Results and Responsibility Part 2

I left off talking about our 2 week checkup and finding out the results of some of my and Lillian's tests.  Brian and I found out that we would have to wait a year before trying to bring another child into our family.

After hearing this news, my doctor went on to explain something that showed up abnormal in my test results. One of my tests came back positive for MTHFR genetic mutation.  She said that most of the time, doctors advocate to not test for this specific mutation because not much is known about it and it causes more anxiety than anything.  She said that from the studies that have been done on this specific mutation, it has been linked to women having miscarriages and stillbirths.  However, she still didn't think this was related to Lillian's death.  She still believed that her cause of death was the cord accident and was not in any way related to this mutation.  She assured me that even though some women may have problems, that doesn't mean I will, and that this is the reason a lot of professionals don't want to test for the mutation.  It just causes excess worry and anxiety when there isn't enough evidence to show one way or another.  She chose to run the tests on me because she wanted to rule out all other possibilities from Lillian passing away.

After all of this new information, I was just plain overwhelmed. I remember just sitting there and nodding and not knowing what to say.  I was so confused with all this.  Why was I still getting more and more bad news? I didn't know why God hadn't answered my prayer for "no more bad news."  I needed something to hold onto, something that would give me reassurance.  But, it seemed like this was the opposite.  When I was at my weakest, I was still getting more weight added to my load.  I didn't know how to process this information.  Did this mean God wasn't listening?  Why me?  What did I do wrong?  Did I not pray enough? Why? Why? Why?  I don't understand.

I often times feel overwhelmed with all of the stuff that I have in my life.  Now, not only did I not have my precious little girl, I had to have a c section, which resulted in us having to wait at least a year until we could try again to bring other children into the world.  I wanted to be able to have my family see our baby and say goodbye to her, but her appearance prevented that.  I needed to have no more bad news to add to the anxiety of next time I'm pregnant, but now I had some genetic problem that is related to pregnancy difficulties.  It is so overwhelming at times to take all of this in at once.  One thought can lead to many more that turn into an emotional breakdown.  I felt as though I was being betrayed.  My husband and I have been so blessed with his career, our family, our home, and having a great relationship.  I didn't understand how we could go from being so happy to being so devastated.  All around me, I hear everyone saying that we're so strong.  I don't know how to react to that statement.  I don't feel strong.  I don't feel like I'm doing any great thing.  I'm surviving.  You don't know what you're capable of until you are put in that situation.  I miss our old life, and often times I still can't believe that this is our new life.  I hate that we went through this.  Even though I know there's a plan and purpose for everything, I wish it didn't have to be that way.  That's just human nature.  It's hard for me to see that God is in control of all of this sometimes.  I know that he is, he promised it to us.  But, since I'm human, I'm not perfect and I do feel defeated.  In those times, I look to Him.  I give all this pain and sadness to Him.  It's too much for me to hold onto.  The bible states that He is close to the brokenhearted.  Well, if there is ever a question as to what "brokenhearted" looks like, it's me!!  This brings me reassurance to know that God still hears my prayers and knows my sadness.  After all, He lost his son too.  He knows our pain.  I find comfort in the fact that no matter what happens, I'm not alone.  I pray daily and talk to Him often.  I ask that He stays close to us and blesses us abundantly.  When I think of our story, it reminds me of the story of Job.  I found this short story which sums it up quite well:

Job, a prosperous wealthy man of impeccable moral character was a man with whom God had proved to be still His own, no matter how hard his trials were. Satan challenged Job’s goodness, proposing to God to test him since he is only good because of God’s protection. God did agree and removed Job’s protection. Satan removed Job’s wealth, children and health so he would curse God. Despite his extremely difficult situation, Job did not curse God, but rather cursed the day of his birth. Albeit he protested his plight and sought for an explanation with his 3 friends, he never accused God for the injustice. God then reply to Job with these famous words: “Brace yourself like a man. I will question you and you will answer.” Job was overwhelmed and said “I am unworthy – how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth.” Then Job’s trial was over.  He is restored to health and gained more than what he lost in possessions.  He lived for another 140 years.


I'm looking forward to many blessings in our future.  I pray everyday that I can continue to have peace in my life and that we have many blessings.  I don't even know what I'm asking for but I know that God hears my pleas.  I ask Him for lots and lots of BIG blessings in our future.  Things that only He can provide.  And I believe in my heart that He will answer our prayers.  Since God is awesome, our current message at church is so perfect for us.  It was a whole 4 week message on prayers and how to build a relationship with God.  Prayers aren't something we do "for" God.  If you think about it, how do you become close to others in your life?  You talk to them.  This series at church was so perfect.  I needed to hear the reassurance that when you pray, God says, "Yes," "No," or "Wait."  Well,  I'm waiting God!  I'm waiting for our future blessings.  I'm waiting for the peace through all our next pregnancies that only You can provide.  Because I know I would be such a mess with worry through any future pregnancies.  But, with Him, I know that He can provide the same peace that has been with us before.  The same peace that was with us in our delivery room when I gave birth to my still child.  I have faith.  I hold strong to that.