Finding our funeral attire Part 1

When I was in the hospital, I didn't want to talk about funeral arrangements.  I wanted to focus on what was important at the time, which was meeting Lillian and trying to recuperate.  Our parents were SUCH a blessing during this time.  They all went to the funeral home and made arrangements for us.  They dealt with most of the details and asked us about any preferences we had.  We later found out that they split the cost of the funeral and refused to let us pay anything towards it.  I felt so bad that they had to pay for a funeral for their grandchild.  No one should have to do that.  But, they were more than willing to do anything and everything they could for us.  One of our first nights home (I really can't remember specifics, it was either Thursday or Friday) our parents came over to finalize all of the arrangements.  They had made plans with the funeral home to have her service on Monday.  We chose to have her obituary put in the paper.  I wanted my baby to be remembered.  I wanted people to read about her and know that she was here on this earth.  My dad handed me the print of the obituary and tears started rolling down my cheeks.  I believe it was the first time I had actually read her name.  It made her so real.  This was our baby and that was her name.  As I kept reading, "precious daughter of Jordan and Brian Bayes" it was just too much.  I was still in shock that this was our life.  I couldn't believe we were going through this.  I remember the night we found out that she was gone, I was so upset and told Brian, "I don't want to be those poor parents in the front row [of a funeral] crying over their baby."  I decided at that moment that I wasn't going to be that.  I didn't want everyone looking at us feeling sorry for us.  I wanted them to be happy for our baby.  I couldn't bare the thought of everyone giving me the "I'm so sorry" look.  I didn't want that.  Our baby's funeral was not going to be a sad day.  I didn't want her birthday to be a sad day either.  I didn't cry on either of those days.  I held those who were sad and reassured them that we were all going to be okay.  And, our baby, she was more than okay.  She was perfect.  

Our parents arranged for the pastor to come over to our house on Saturday night so we could talk about how we wanted our service to go.  However, before that, we needed to find something to wear.  Those of you who know my husband, can understand my worry.  We needed to get him a suit, but being the 6 foot 4 inch guy that he is, we couldn't just go pick one up.  He would most likely have to have something tailored.  I prayed that God would let us find something perfect to wear to our daughter's funeral.  Since I had just had a baby, I was at a delicate "in between" stage and I wanted to find something that I would feel comfortable in.  We all decided to wear the traditional black, but in honor of our baby girl, we would add a hint of pink.  So, off we went to the mall in hopes of finding the perfect attire to honor Lillian.  At this time, I was so attached to Brian.  I would barely let him leave my sight, much less go somewhere without me.  I wanted to go with him and help him pick out a suit, plus I really needed to be able to try on whatever I was going to wear.  I wasn't sure how I was going to get around the mall after being just days out of a major abdominal surgery, but we'd figure it out.  I had REALLY missed my caffeine and coffee so on the way, we stopped at Starbuck's for a frappuccino. YUM!  As we were leaving, the barista told us to "stay safe tonight."  Apparently the weather was correlating with "our world" because there were bad storms heading our way.  I hadn't really heard much about them and wasn't worried about it but everyone kept mentioning them.  I guess we were too preoccupied with other things and didn't even realize that there was possible tornadoes that night.  Well, I guess we'd worry about that later because we couldn't do anything about it now.  Right now, we needed to go shopping, we had to worry about one thing at a time.  

We arrived at the mall and I had devised a plan.  I had called ahead to see if they had wheelchairs available for the public.  They did!  However, the wheelchairs were available "first come, first serve."  Please God let there be a wheelchair.  If they were out, I didn't know what I would do.  I was barely walking at that point and if I pushed myself too much, I was incredibly sore afterwards.  I had brought my medication with me because I was still taking it every few hours.  I was waiting in the car as Brian went in to find customer service.  I realized that while waiting in the car, that was the first time I had been alone in a while.  I really hated that feeling, Brian hurry up!  I was watching the door that I'd last seen him go into and praying that they had a wheelchair for me.  All of the sudden, here comes this tall guy through the door backwards all hunched over.  He got one!  I can't explain how relieved I had felt. I remember thinking, "That's my husband, my hero."  It may seem like such an insignificant thing from an outside perspective, but to me, it was everything.  To me, it represents how I was surviving at the time.  Brian was (and still is) my hero.  He would do anything to make my pain just a little better.  If that meant he had to go get a wheelchair and push me around the mall, then he would do it.  No questions asked.  So there he was, as my knight in shining armor, wheeling up my "horse."  I sat down and we made a plan.  We headed to the Men's Wearhouse hoping to find him a suit.  I could not believe how busy it was.  I wanted to find a salesperson, quietly tell them our story and have them work their magic.  That was not possible when there were a million people crowding in there looking for a suit to wear to prom.  Where were those pushy salespeople when you needed them?  I wanted someone to come up and ask us if we needed help but, it seems that everyone else needed help too.  They were all busy.  Finally, a sweet lady came up and asked us if we were finding everything okay.  I had the whole dialogue in my head on what I was going to say but as I opened my mouth, nothing came out.  I said, "Our daughter died..." and tried my best to keep going but then I started crying and turned into a blubbering mess.  I was so embarrassed and I know I had to look like a mess.  Who was this crazy girl in a wheelchair that was crying in a suit store??  Real nice.  So, she asked me to repeat myself because she couldn't hear me.  I apologized and took a deep breath and explained our situation.  We had lost our daughter and my husband needed a suit by Monday.  She told me that she was going to finish up with something real quick and then we'll figure it out and that I shouldn't worry.  I asked Brian to push me over to the corner of the store where it was a little more secluded.  Once again, like when we were in the maternity ward, we were in a happy place and I was not fitting in.  Everyone else in the maternity ward would have a happy ending, and everyone else in the store was looking for a suit for something other than their daughter's funeral.  I felt very out of place.  So, I was parked in the corner so I wouldn't feel so exposed.  Brian walked off with the nice woman in search of a suit jacket.  I was texting on my phone so that no one would pay attention to me or bother me, trying to look preoccupied.  But, it didn't work.  One of the overly social sales associates suddenly had nothing to do, so he decided to come visit with me. 

 "Wow, she's in a wheelchair and texting"  Ugh, please just leave me alone.  I gave him a nice "leave me alone" nod. 

 "So, what did you do? Hurt your knee or something?"  

"No, I had surgery."  Please just stop.

"Did you just get tired of being at home or what?

I replied, "No, actually.  I like being at home."

He finally took the hint and wandered off to bother someone else.

I did not want to share with some complete stranger about our most personal experience and I most definitely didn't want that "look" that people give you when they find out your situation.  I hate when I have to tell someone that we lost our child.  Either they feel bad for bringing it up or they get quiet and don't know what to say.  No one should ever feel bad about asking about such a happy topic, children.  But, I will encourage you to please, please be mindful how you word things.  You don't know who has been through what when it comes to fertility or pregnancy issues.  It is a very painful and private topic that not everyone has been so blessed to have all of their children be healthy.  Remember that next time you playfully ask someone when they're going to have their "next one," that there may be more to the story. Although it seems like a very innocent statement, it could be extremely painful on the receiving end.  I've had many people who've came forward and expressed their painful experience of a loss.  It's a very common problem that discriminates against no one.  It is all too common and that is such a shame.  I'm saying all of this because I would hate to cause someone unnecessary pain on my behalf.  I have a new outlook on when asking people about their children.  I don't think it's ever appropriate to ask someone about when they're going to start a family, unless you are VERY close to them.  I had to learn this the hard way, by going through such a painful loss.  Some people have fertility issues and want so desperately to have a child, but it's not that easy.  In our case, we would love to have another child as soon as tomorrow but that's not possible.  I'm not sure how I'll approach the topic of meeting new people and answering the infamous question, "Do you have any kids?"  Brian and I have discussed this incident because we know it's going to happen.  There will be someone who doesn't know our story that asks the question and we need a plan.  I want to avoid having someone feel bad for asking such a innocent question.  They don't expect to hear such devastating news.  It will depend on the situation but we decided on the answer, "Yes, I have a daughter in Heaven."  I would feel wrong just saying "No."  That's not true and not fair to us.  It would be like denying our own daughter and that would simply not be okay in my eyes.  Also, we can set the tone so that someone doesn't feel guilty for asking us.  We can assure them that yes, we do have a daughter and she is safe in Heaven looking down on us.  

This post was not exactly what I thought I was going to write about when I started it but I guess that's how God works.  I always pray that He helps me to write our story in a way that can help others and also bring more people to know Him.  I intended on writing the full story of shopping that day but I went off into a rant so I'll continue that story after the weekend.  I thank everyone for being so supportive and helping me to keep our daughter's memory alive.  Feel free to contact me or share our story if you think it could help someone else.  Love you guys!

The first day of our new lives

As we arrived home after leaving the hospital, the house seemed so empty and foreign.  This house which I fell in love with about two years prior, the same place I dreamed of bringing our babies home to, was so empty.  Even our two little doggies were away at my parent's house.  I hated that feeling of emptiness.  It just didn't feel right, I was supposed to be carrying a diaper bag while Brian carried a car seat in and we were supposed to be coming home with the dogs greeting us and checking out the new little person in our lives.  I dreaded all of the "firsts" in our new life, the first time to see our empty nursery, the first night back in our bed without my daughter kicking me all night, the first family gathering where I planned to show her off, the first trip back to the grocery store without going down the baby aisle, you get the idea.  I knew that there were going to be a lot of new "firsts" in our lives and I was definitely not looking forward to them.  However, I did want to face them head on because I knew in my heart that the first time will always be the hardest.  I wanted to face it head on and get it over with.  I was going to get through this, one way or another.  Lillian will NOT be looking down at her mother who is falling apart.  I want her to look down on us and be proud of us and know how much she is loved and missed.

So, going back to arriving home, we pulled into the driveway and parked in the garage.  I was still pretty unsteady on my feet and really sore.  Brian helped me out and walked me through the door.  I looked around and saw that every single thing that I had bought or was related to a baby, was put away.  My family had came over (with my permission and request) and put away ALL of our baby stuff.  I cannot thank them enough for doing that for us. Still, it hurt.  Not the fact that they did it, it was why they had to do it.  Everyone was doing anything and everything to soften the sting of losing our baby girl.  I actually walked around and looked in cabinets in the kitchen where I had stored bottles and pictures on the fridge of our first ultrasound, they were all put away.  I went straight to the nursery.  I had to look at it.  I had to face it head on.  I opened the door and peeked in.  Nothing.  Cue one of our many "firsts", first meltdown.  Brian was there to hold me and talk me down.  He would soon get very practiced in this.  I needed to see it though.  I needed to face the emptiness head on and feel the pain.  I remember thinking that I just wanted time to move.  I held on to the fact that time will heal our pain.  I wanted desperately for time to pass on so we could find our new normal and some happiness again.  I desperately clung to that hope.

After that, we decided to eat something.  It had been a while since I'd ate a decent meal and though my head and heart were in pain, my body was starving.  We heated up some leftovers from the dinner our moms had got the night we found out and went to go sit outside and eat.  I needed some fresh air after being contained in a hospital room for 3 days straight.  I needed to breathe.  I had made it through the biggest "first" of all and  survived.  We had arrived home for the first time without our little girl.  We faced her empty room and had to embrace our new life.  I knew deep down that we were going to get through this, it was just going to have to be one step at a time.

Recovery

I'm jumping around in our story a bit.  I already spoke about getting out of the hospital and going to our two week checkup but I'm going to go back a little bit.  Time was so confusing and it seemed as if it was just flying by for about two weeks.  It is all pretty much a blur looking back on it.  I'm not sure if it was the meds, shock, grief, or a combination of it all but for about two weeks, days just ran together.  I'll try to sort it out as best as possible.

So, I had a c section and was recovering in the hospital.  Slowly but surely, I was regaining strength physically and emotionally.  One of our "fondest" memories of the hospital stay was about every four hours we had a nurse come in and say, "Rate your pain."  They had a big poster on the wall explaining the intensity of pain using a scale of 1-10.  I would pick an appropriate number and they'd hand me some pills.  To this day, one of the running jokes in our house is, "Rate your pain."  Don't ask me why.  My hubby and I have a weird sense of humor.  The WORST part of my c section was the pain in my shoulder/back.  That was the worst pain I've ever been in.  Apparently it's a normal side affect from a c section to have air trapped in you and it settles in your shoulders but it was sooo painful.  I remembering chuckling at something my mom said and it threw me into a complete state of pain.  I couldn't catch my breath because tensing up and breathing would make it hurt worse which made it a vicious cycle.  I learned quickly that things weren't very funny anymore.  I also had that happen when I would start to tear up and feel sad.  I had to learn to stifle that emotion quickly.  Not only was my sadness causing me pain emotionally, but now physically too.  After about a day or so, I could get up and walk around and I felt a lot better.  Throughout my stay, I was pretty comfortable.  Brian would probably disagree with me.  Hospital beds are not made for 6' 4" guys.  I never heard him complain once though.  He's a trooper.  We decided to go home as soon as possible which was Thursday afternoon.  My doctor was really lenient and told us that whenever we wanted to leave, we could.  If we decided we wanted to stay another day, that was okay too.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to be in my own bed.  I wanted to be anywhere but that empty maternity room with absent cries.  I wanted to watch my own tv that didn't have channels on "How to take care of your newborn."  I was just done with it all.  

The time finally came to be discharged.  Brian went ahead and went down to get the car and parked by the designated entrance and waited.  I had my purse, some pillows, and a vase of flowers that my sister had bought.  They were beautiful lilies, so appropriate.  My nurse ordered me a wheel chair so I sat in my room and waited.  She came back about 20 minutes later and saw that I was still there.  She decided that I simply had just had enough so she went to find a wheel chair herself.  She found a wheelchair that must have been made for the "plus size" moms because I fit in it comfortably with pillows on either side of me.  She wheeled me out to our car and after telling her thank you, we were on our way home.  On our way to our new life.  It was the scariest feeling.

At the time, the goal was to get through the next hurdle.  In the hospital, we had plenty of things to worry about for me to recover.  I had to be able to keep water down in order for me to be taken off of the drip.  I had to be able to get up and walk around to be able to take the pressure cuffs off my legs.  I had plenty of things to worry about that made me not face our situation head on.  But, on the ride home, we were facing our new reality.  I had to start my recovery outside of the hospital where there was no nurses to wait on me and give me my medicine.  I knew that life would keep going on, no matter what had happened to us.  That is exactly what I was afraid of, having to move on.

Results and Responsibility Part 2

I left off talking about our 2 week checkup and finding out the results of some of my and Lillian's tests.  Brian and I found out that we would have to wait a year before trying to bring another child into our family.

After hearing this news, my doctor went on to explain something that showed up abnormal in my test results. One of my tests came back positive for MTHFR genetic mutation.  She said that most of the time, doctors advocate to not test for this specific mutation because not much is known about it and it causes more anxiety than anything.  She said that from the studies that have been done on this specific mutation, it has been linked to women having miscarriages and stillbirths.  However, she still didn't think this was related to Lillian's death.  She still believed that her cause of death was the cord accident and was not in any way related to this mutation.  She assured me that even though some women may have problems, that doesn't mean I will, and that this is the reason a lot of professionals don't want to test for the mutation.  It just causes excess worry and anxiety when there isn't enough evidence to show one way or another.  She chose to run the tests on me because she wanted to rule out all other possibilities from Lillian passing away.

After all of this new information, I was just plain overwhelmed. I remember just sitting there and nodding and not knowing what to say.  I was so confused with all this.  Why was I still getting more and more bad news? I didn't know why God hadn't answered my prayer for "no more bad news."  I needed something to hold onto, something that would give me reassurance.  But, it seemed like this was the opposite.  When I was at my weakest, I was still getting more weight added to my load.  I didn't know how to process this information.  Did this mean God wasn't listening?  Why me?  What did I do wrong?  Did I not pray enough? Why? Why? Why?  I don't understand.

I often times feel overwhelmed with all of the stuff that I have in my life.  Now, not only did I not have my precious little girl, I had to have a c section, which resulted in us having to wait at least a year until we could try again to bring other children into the world.  I wanted to be able to have my family see our baby and say goodbye to her, but her appearance prevented that.  I needed to have no more bad news to add to the anxiety of next time I'm pregnant, but now I had some genetic problem that is related to pregnancy difficulties.  It is so overwhelming at times to take all of this in at once.  One thought can lead to many more that turn into an emotional breakdown.  I felt as though I was being betrayed.  My husband and I have been so blessed with his career, our family, our home, and having a great relationship.  I didn't understand how we could go from being so happy to being so devastated.  All around me, I hear everyone saying that we're so strong.  I don't know how to react to that statement.  I don't feel strong.  I don't feel like I'm doing any great thing.  I'm surviving.  You don't know what you're capable of until you are put in that situation.  I miss our old life, and often times I still can't believe that this is our new life.  I hate that we went through this.  Even though I know there's a plan and purpose for everything, I wish it didn't have to be that way.  That's just human nature.  It's hard for me to see that God is in control of all of this sometimes.  I know that he is, he promised it to us.  But, since I'm human, I'm not perfect and I do feel defeated.  In those times, I look to Him.  I give all this pain and sadness to Him.  It's too much for me to hold onto.  The bible states that He is close to the brokenhearted.  Well, if there is ever a question as to what "brokenhearted" looks like, it's me!!  This brings me reassurance to know that God still hears my prayers and knows my sadness.  After all, He lost his son too.  He knows our pain.  I find comfort in the fact that no matter what happens, I'm not alone.  I pray daily and talk to Him often.  I ask that He stays close to us and blesses us abundantly.  When I think of our story, it reminds me of the story of Job.  I found this short story which sums it up quite well:

Job, a prosperous wealthy man of impeccable moral character was a man with whom God had proved to be still His own, no matter how hard his trials were. Satan challenged Job’s goodness, proposing to God to test him since he is only good because of God’s protection. God did agree and removed Job’s protection. Satan removed Job’s wealth, children and health so he would curse God. Despite his extremely difficult situation, Job did not curse God, but rather cursed the day of his birth. Albeit he protested his plight and sought for an explanation with his 3 friends, he never accused God for the injustice. God then reply to Job with these famous words: “Brace yourself like a man. I will question you and you will answer.” Job was overwhelmed and said “I am unworthy – how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth.” Then Job’s trial was over.  He is restored to health and gained more than what he lost in possessions.  He lived for another 140 years.


I'm looking forward to many blessings in our future.  I pray everyday that I can continue to have peace in my life and that we have many blessings.  I don't even know what I'm asking for but I know that God hears my pleas.  I ask Him for lots and lots of BIG blessings in our future.  Things that only He can provide.  And I believe in my heart that He will answer our prayers.  Since God is awesome, our current message at church is so perfect for us.  It was a whole 4 week message on prayers and how to build a relationship with God.  Prayers aren't something we do "for" God.  If you think about it, how do you become close to others in your life?  You talk to them.  This series at church was so perfect.  I needed to hear the reassurance that when you pray, God says, "Yes," "No," or "Wait."  Well,  I'm waiting God!  I'm waiting for our future blessings.  I'm waiting for the peace through all our next pregnancies that only You can provide.  Because I know I would be such a mess with worry through any future pregnancies.  But, with Him, I know that He can provide the same peace that has been with us before.  The same peace that was with us in our delivery room when I gave birth to my still child.  I have faith.  I hold strong to that.

Results and Responsibility Part 1

It just occurred to me that some people may not know the final cause of why Lillian passed away.  So, here's all the information that I received from my doctor and test results.

Right at delivery, I heard my doctor say that her umbilical cord was twisted off at her navel.  I heard her also say that her cord was around her neck a few times.  She said that she was a perfectly normally developed baby and was average size for her age.  Later, after the surgery she told us that even though she can't say for sure, her instinct was that the cause was from a "cord accident."  Dr. S explained to us that her umbilical cord was twisted over about three times at her navel and also had multiple twists throughout it.  She said that she has seen many different variations of umbilical cords, some are thinner, some thicker, some really long, and some short.  Lillian's was on the thinner end of the spectrum and our lab results stated that the length was in 97th percentile (meaning that in general population, hers was much longer than average).  The fact that her cord was unusually long and small in diameter adding to that with multiple cord torsion, it resulted in her losing the vital supply of nutrients and oxygen.  She was such an active baby with all of these factors, unfortunately, caused our little girl to pass away.  We had to wait a couple weeks for the results from the testing of the placenta to come back.  We opted not to have them do an autopsy because Dr. S advised that most of the time, nothing else shows up and we decided our little girl had simply been through enough.  My doctor had to wait on a few tests to get back to make sure that there were no other factors but in the end, her gut instinct was right.

Initially at the hospital, my doctor spoke of her suspicions of what had caused it.  She said that she doubted anything else would come back irregular but wanted to test to make sure we didn't have any risks for future pregnancies.  She told us that she would have the results back by our two week checkup and we could discuss it then.

The two week appointment finally arrived and I was terrified.  The last I heard was that Lillian passed away due to an accident, nothing could have prevented it, nothing caused it, it will not affect our future babies, and I didn't do anything wrong.  This was the best case scenario given our circumstances.  I needed it to be a freak accident that I didn't cause and wouldn't happen again.  I remember praying and begging God that we didn't get anymore bad news.  I needed some good news.  I was desperate for it.  We went into our appointment and my doctor told us that nothing new was found, she still believed that Lillian's death was due to a cord accident.  However, she then gave us some very heartbreaking news.  Since I had to get a cesarean, we would have to wait at minimum, a whole year to try again.  A WHOLE YEAR!!  And that was even before we could start trying.  Most times it takes a while before a couple conceives and then even after that, it's another 9 months before you can meet your baby.  I choked back tears when hearing this.  She went on explaining that when you have a c section, the outside incision heals quickly, but the uterine scar needs a while to heal completely before getting stretched out again.  The risks of not allowing for healing is a possible uterine rupture.  That could lead to even more problems including, hysterectomy, fetal death, or even maternal death.  I couldn't hold back the waterworks anymore.  Tears spilled down my cheeks and Brian came over to me to hold me.  Even though we had just lost Lillian, we discussed wanting to get pregnant again as soon as possible.  Some people may not understand our wants because of what just happened to us.  But, I couldn't bring Lillian back.  I can't have her, I never will.  But what I can do is love her and be happy for her and give her siblings.  I had an intense maternal need and love for a child and no one to give it to.  I can honestly say if someone had given up their baby in the hospital, I would have taken them home with me.  No questions asked.  I needed someone to care for.  I needed to be pregnant again.  And now, it was going to be a waiting process.

Yes, I know that plenty of people have gotten pregnant after a cesarean and had no problem.  I've had others tell me that they too have safely delivered after getting pregnant soon after a c section.  But, you have to remember that statistics mean nothing to me and Brian.  We ARE the statistics.  We are that tiny percent that have lost a child after we were well into the "safe zone."  I would never ever do anything to cause danger to my child, even if it is breaking my own heart.  I will always put the best interest of my children before myself.  And in our case, it means to allow some time to go by before we bring another child into this world. I could not imagine going through anything like this every again.  I definitely can't imagine going through it and  it being my fault.  So, here goes responsibility again.  Man, I'm starting to hate that word.

Our treasures

While I was wheeled to my new room after having said our goodbyes, I knew that our time with our favorite nurse Janice had come to an end.  I was sad to say goodbye to her but made sure she knew how grateful we were of her and how amazing she is.  I was settling in my new room with a new nurse hooked up to a bunch of different things and letting everything sink in.  Everything seemed to be winding down so I told Brian to go grab something to eat.  He, too, didn't have much of an appetite the day before and still hadn't eaten anything  that day.  So, he ran down to the cafeteria (I think with my sister and brother-in-law) and in comes our favorite nurse!  She was back and she had an armful of goodies!  She brought in a small pink box, some papers, and the most treasured thing I will ever own, a plaster of my daughters hand and feet.  I cannot believe that they think to do stuff like this.  I will forever hold these things dear to my heart.  I remember telling people while I was still in the hospital not to pick it up.  I felt like I had to protect that thing with my life.  That plaster was irreplaceable.  Along with the precious plaster, they brought me the dress that she wore, hat, booties, blanket, some locks of her hair, hand and footprints, and even some teeny tiny little rings they had placed on her fingers for pictures.  I couldn't believe everything that they did for us.  I will have these items forever as a reminder of my first born child.  She is real.  Sometimes I feel as if all of this didn't happen.  It was such a short time in my life that I carried her, 8 short months.  I prepared a whole room for her, I changed my entire lifestyle, and quit my job.  As time moves on, it seems to play tricks on me.  It feels as if all of this happened so long ago, even though it was just a little over two months.  Sometimes it feels like just a bad dream.  But, with these special pieces given to me by the hospital, my daughter is real.  I can touch the molding of her hand and kiss the bottoms of her feet.  I love showing the plaster of Lillian's feet and hand.  It makes me feel proud to have such a great accomplishment.  A perfect little girl.  Her siblings will all know that they have an older sister in heaven and I love having these special items to remember her by.

Lillian's dress, hat, and blanket that she wore in pictures.  Someone hand made these.

The tiny rings that were on her fingers in pictures.

Hand print and foot print

My favorite treasure of all.  The casting of her feet and hand.  I love this.

Lillian's Birthday

This is going to be a long post because I don't want to drag this part of the story out.  It's a little painful to recall all of these memories and I'd rather do it all in one sitting.  Today I'm writing about meeting our little girl.  Some details are disheartening and overwhelming so if you're sensitive to it, you may want to skip today's post.  I wrote with great care, love, and respect for our daughter so it is not gruesome but the subject matter is just so darn sad.

Most would think that the day you give birth to your lifeless child would be the worst day of your life.  For us, this isn't the case.  Even though I didn't know how to face the intense happenings of the day, I knew it was not going to be a sad day.

 We found out on Monday, April 9 that our baby had passed away and decided to go home that night and have her the next day.  I'm so glad we did that.  At the time I just needed to be home.  I remember thinking and saying over and over, "I just need to go home."  Brian was reassuring me and stayed by my side that whole night.  I knew I had to call our family.  I asked Brian how we were going to make those phone calls and break everyone's hearts.  This little girl is so loved.  I didn't want to have to call each and every person that she means so much to and break their heart.  I called my mom first.  She knew I was at my doctor's appointment and that I had thought something was wrong and I knew she would be worried when I hadn't called her right after the appointment. I called and told her, then my dad, then my sisters.  They were out shopping for my baby shower and to hear them go from happiness to disbelief is so disheartening.  I just told everyone to come over.  I needed my family to be there.  Brian called his parents and his brother.  Everyone had the same reaction, they dropped what they were doing and came straight over.  We all hugged and cried and hugged some more.  My mother and mother-in-law graciously went to buy our precious baby girl a dress and grabbed some dinner for everyone there.  I couldn't eat anything though.  At my appointment earlier, my doctor had said that the baby was in breech position and would probably need to be delivered via c section.  Since there was a possibility of a cesarean, she said not to eat or drink after midnight.  That was really no problem since I had literally no appetite.  I forced myself to eat half of a roll.  We packed a hospital bag not knowing what to expect, we just dumped a bunch of stuff in there.  I didn't know if I would have to try to go through labor for a little bit or if I would just go straight to surgery.  All of my "birth plans" went out the window.  Nothing I had planned for or on was going to happen.  I didn't care anymore about a natural delivery.  Everything that I was preparing for was so I could do the best thing possible for my baby.  Unfortunately, none of this was necessary.  I probably slept less than an hour that night.  All night long I thought about what would happen the next day, how we would face it, and how that was the last time I'd get to spend with my little baby in my tummy.(I'm sorry, this is such a depressing post)
My wonderful mom wouldn't leave our house and camped out on the couch.  She drove us to the hospital first thing in the morning.  I probably looked pathetic.  I walked into the maternity ward with bags under my eyes and a broken heart.  My whole family was sitting in the waiting room.  I had such love and support there with me.  Brian and I had decided that this wasn't going to be a sad day.  This was the day we were to meet our firstborn child and I would not remember it being an awful day.  After I checked in, my nurse came to get me.  She introduced herself as Janice.  She was an angel, I'm sure of it.  I followed her to my room and she was just so wonderful.  She made me feel comfortable and was so reassuring.  She had such a way with people.  Somehow she even made those stupid annoying questions about your whole life history non-invasive.  She spent the whole day with us and I don't know how I would have got through the day without her.  They gave my family a whole other maternity room so they didn't have to wait with the other happy hopeful family members who would soon go meet their living babies.  My doctor came around sometime
that morning to check on me and see Lillian's positioning.  She was still sideways and her shoulder was facing down so even if labor was induced, she wouldn't be able to be in position for delivery.  So, the final decision was made that she would be born by cesarean.  After getting my blood drawn TWICE (they lost the first set, go figure!), a failed iv attempt, a successful iv, and some nasty chalky drink, I was prepped for surgery.  I was supposed to go in as soon as my blood work came back but that is of course on hospital time so it took a little longer than expected.  My family gave me hugs and said that they'd be here afterwards.  They told me that they were praying for us.  I told them not to be sad because this wasn't a day for it.  I never cried that day.  I didn't want to.  There was plenty of time for that later but today was not the time.  So, Brian geared up and off we went to surgery.  I remember feeling a sense of peace that whole day.  God was with us in the operating room.  We weren't overwhelmed with everything that was going on.  We were just there, and God was with us.  I had to get my spinal/epidural and that was a breeze.  They laid me back down and started the surgery.  It was a bizarre feeling because although I wasn't in any pain, I could still feel them pushing around on my stomach.  I had watched plenty of baby shows to know what to expect in a c section and about how long it would take.  Leave it up to my daughter to be stubborn, because even in delivery she wouldn't come out!  She was wedged in tight.  I remember hearing my doctor and her assistant discussing the easiest way to get her out.  It took a lot of maneuvering but they finally delivered her.  I was saddened by the fact that I had to ask if she was out or not because of the lack of crying in the room.  She was 4 pounds 6.5 ounces and 19.5 inches long born at 11:00 am.  We decided to wait until the surgery was over before we held her.  My nurse had warned us that she would look a little different than a typical living baby.  We wanted to get through one thing at a time and would meet her in a little bit.  I remember just looking at Brian as he sat by my head and in one hand held my face and in the other, he held my hand.  We were clinging so tightly and I felt the most comfort as I laid my cheek in his hand.  That's all I needed.  He sat there beside me through the whole thing.  I remember one of the nurses telling him at the beginning, "Brian, if you need to leave at any time, just walk around here and go through these doors."  He replied a little too harshly, "I'm NOT leaving!"  Haha, looking back on that it makes me giggle.  He was so protective of me.  He later told me that he wanted to tell my doctor, "She needs to be okay."  He's expressed over and over that he just wanted me to get through it and be okay.  Everything else, we could work through.  My angel nurse, Janice, was holding our daughter.  She talked about how beautiful she was and asked if we wanted to see her.  We said that no, we would still wait until we got to our room.  They finally finished sewing me up and the doctor left and the nurses were cleaning up the room and doing their final checks.  I remember after they pulled the sheet down that was blocking my view and behind it was a rather large woman with her (dirty) scrubs still on.  I looked up at her and said, "You're covered in me!"  She laughed and said, "Yeah, that happens."  I don't know why it didn't really bother me but it's kind of funny to look back on now.  They cleaned me up and put me on my gurney to go back to the recovery room.  I was so relieved for that to be over.  Brian was too.  He grabbed my foot as a loving gesture and then stated, "I don't know why I just did that.  You can't feel your feet."  I laughed and said, "You grabbed my foot?"  We were wheeled back to our room and finally were ready to meet our baby.

Janice brought over our precious daughter wrapped up in a little blanket.  She said, "I want to show you her perfect parts first.  Here's her beautiful little hand and look at this cute little foot."  Janice had told us that due to her passing a few days ago, her skin was very sensitive.  Since it took so much work to deliver her, unfortunately, it had put her through quite a bit.  Janice handed her too me and she felt so light.  She was wrapped in her blanket and it was covering her mostly.  I had held many babies in my life, but this was my baby.  I remember feeling nothing.  I wasn't sad, mad, happy, or anything.  I think God was guarding my heart so I didn't have to face the harsh reality of what we were really going through at the moment.  I removed the blanket from my daughter's face and saw the cutest little button nose that you've ever seen.  Her hands and feet were perfect.  She brown hair like me :)  And, her lips.  She has my lips!  Thin lips that curve a little downward that me and my sister's all share.  She was my daughter.  I did see all of the unfortunate markings that the nurse was talking about.  I try to describe it in the least harshest way possible because I have to protect my little girl's dignity.  She looked somewhat as if she were a burn patient.  Parts of her skin was peeling and I instantly knew that I didn't want anyone to see her like this, even Brian.  I held her and wanted to protect her from the world.  I covered her back up and I told Brian that her appearance is a little surprising.  I wanted to protect him from seeing his little girl like that.  But he said it was okay and that he wanted to hold her.  I handed her over and watched as my husband got to hold her for a few minutes.  I had wanted my family all to meet her and be able to say goodbye to her but after I saw her, I decided it was for the best not to do that.  I didn't want anyone to see her like that and I definitely didn't want them to remember her like that.  When I look back on that day, the hardest thing is that my family didn't get to see her.  I wish they had been able to.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have made a different decision if I had it to do over again, I just wish she was a little more presentable.  I wish we had a full term, screaming, living baby to introduce to our family.  But we didn't.  So, I had to make decisions accordingly.  And, my husband and I's decision was to protect our daughter's dignity.  We only had a short time to be her parents and we were going to make the best decisions possible.  We held her some but we both knew that it wasn't her that we were holding.  Our little girl was with the angels.  We both decided that after about 20 minutes (I have no idea how long it actually was, time was so eluding) that we were ready to give her back.  They had stated that there was a service that would take her pictures and send them off to an editor and we would receive the images free of charge.  We were happy that they could do something that would be so meaningful.  They asked if we wanted to be in the images but we politely declined.  We really couldn't think of much more than getting by and recovering.

My nurse stayed with me throughout most of the day and was so wonderful to us.  I remember telling her before I went into surgery when they were about to give me my epidural, "I'm sorry you have to go through stuff like this.  Your job is supposed to be happy."  She looked at me and said that she was happy to be there with me.  I couldn't believe this woman.  She was such a blessing and I knew from the beginning that she was also a Christian.  She was the person who held my baby, told me how perfect she was, walked me through one of the hardest things of my life, and was happy to do it.  I know God had answered everyone's prayers and sent this woman to us.  She was such a blessing and I will always hold her in my heart.  Throughout the day, we felt God's presence.  I recall asking Brian the night before, "How are we going to go through this?  How am I supposed to deliver her and how are we going to be strong enough to hold her?"  Well, we didn't need to know how to do any of this.  The answer was given simply from everyone's prayers. I'm not lying when I told each and every person after they stated, "We're praying for you."  that I was so grateful for that.  That was what we needed and meant so much to us.  It got us through our entire day.  It was an emotionally exhausting day but we could feel God's presence and know that He was holding us.  His strength was all we needed.

Everything Changes

I found a poem while searching around on blogs for some comfort from other people who have went through similar situations.  I decided that's probably not the best thing for me because it's just so dang depressing.  I was actually surprised at the feedback I got from writing this blog.  Everyone keeps encouraging me, "Have you wrote your blog yet today???"  Haha, I'm glad everyone is enjoying it though.  I'm also glad to be able to continue to keep Lillian's memory alive.  She will always be our firstborn.  She is the one who made us parents, made our parents, grandparents.  And she made our siblings into aunts and uncles, and my grandma, a great grandma.  She has had such a huge impact in her short 8 months she was here.  I'm proud to be able to call myself her momma.  We went through some tough times at first but are slowly finding that time is very healing.  This poem is pretty accurate in all my feelings.  This girl hit the nail on the head (sorry, I can't remember where I even saw this). 




Today I should be watching over you, 
but instead you are flying above, watching over me. 
I should be seeing you smile while you look up at me, 
Instead I look up to the sky and smile knowing you are at peace. 
I should be rocking you to sleep in my arms every night, 
Instead I’m sitting here rocking myself back and forth with my arms crossed. 
I should be comforting you and wiping away your tears as you cry, 
Instead I’m wiping away the river of tears that I cry, with nothing to comfort me. 
I should be exhausted from getting up with you every couple of hours. 
Instead I’m exhausted from sleepless nights because all I dream of is you. 
I should be fixing you bottles and feeding you baby foods, 
Instead I’m trying to find a reason for myself to eat and drink. 
I should be watching you learn to crawl across the floor. 
Instead I’m the one on my hands and knees begging to have you back 
I should be watching you grow, 
Instead I’m watching myself learn to let go. 
I should be buying you clothes and toys, 
Instead I buy flowers to place on your tombstone. 
I should be celebrating you achieving your milestones. 
Instead I count the months that pass since you passed. 
I should be listening to the sound of you breathing while you lay asleep on my chest, 
Instead my chest aches and it hurts to even breathe. 
I should be showing your pictures to all my friends and family, 
Instead only a select view have gotten to see you. 
I should be carrying you with me, everywhere I go ….. 
Well this is one thing that I do, for you are always in my heart. 




It's insane how your life can change in an instant.  Your whole world can completely turn upside down.  I hate that we had to go through this.  I hate how much things did change.  Instead of shopping the baby section in the stores, we shop for our daughter in the garden section, trying to find things to decorate her gravesite and garden.  It was not only hard to say goodbye to her, but we had to say goodbye to just about everything.  I'm sure you can imagine, babies require a TON of stuff.  It was hard to change our daily routines in every aspect.  I didn't need my maternity clothes, I no longer needed to look for good deals on diapers and wipes, I didn't need to wash all her laundry.  And her nursery, that was probably the toughest part.  Luckily, I have an amazing family.  They packed every single thing they could find and put it in one of our extra bedrooms.  I didn't think it would have been a big deal at the time but now I'm SOOOOO graciously thankful for them.  I had spent so much energy and time shopping, organizing, and preparing her space for her.  Sometimes I would go into her nursery and have a weird feeling.  Like I was detached from all of it.  It was kind of bizarre, now that I think back.  I accredited it to the thought of disbelief that we were actually going to have a baby here with us.  But, now I think it may have just been me wondering if we would ever bring our daughter home.  I never washed her clothes.  I'm not sure why.  I just thought that when I washed them, I was definitely a mom then.  It seems so insignificant, washing your baby clothes, but to me it was a huge hurdle.  I wasn't ready to take that next step and now it seems to make a little sense.  All of her things are nicely packed in our spare bedroom downstairs.  My poor family!  I'm such a planner and that room was FILLED with stuff!  They never mentioned anything about it though.  I know in times like these, everyone is just grateful to help in any way.  And, we will always be grateful for everything that was done to help us.  When I came home from the hospital, I wanted to go see her room.  I knew it was going to be hard as with every step in this journey, but I had to face it.  I wanted to force myself to deal with everything and not hide any of it away.  I wanted to feel my pain so I could begin to heal as soon as possible.  I was devastated to see the bare walls and empty closet.  Her room looked how I felt, empty. I was so upset to see it but still needed to.  Brian came to hold me and as if reading my mind he said, "Do you want to go in?"  I swear we had some sort of weird telepathic connection throughout this time because he always seemed to know what I needed and when.  So, we went in the empty room that used to be a nursery.  Metaphorically, this room was representing us embracing our "new" life.  We faced the emptiness that used to hold our whole world.  It was a blank slate that was extremely scary to face, but we did it anyways.  However, we did not face it alone.  God is always with us, even when we feel abandoned.  I've been through the doubt and feeling of being alone.  It is not a good place to be at all.  But, I have some great people in my life who remind me that even in dark times, He is with us.  I can't stress enough that without God, I would be at a loss.  My comfort is in the fact that my baby is not dead.  She is alive and growing in Heaven.  We will meet her again, eventually.  I feel sadness in the fact that she isn't here with us, but joy in knowing that she is with our Heavenly Father.  

The luckiest girl in the world.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.  It's true.  I have the most amazing husband in the entire world.  Sorry ladies!  The best guy in the whole world is taken!  Haha, but really, on what we know as the worst days of our lives, I saw how truly wonderful my hubby is.
I know I already touched on that day that what we consider the worst day of our lives but I forgot one of the most important details.
So, we found out that our daughter was no longer with us, but with our Heavenly Father.  Brian and I were devastated and it seemed as if our world was crashing down.  Our ultrasound technician and doctor were amazing with us.  They were extremely supportive and did everything possible to help ease our pain.  Our lovely technician was as far along as I was.  If I remember right, She was due 3 days before me.  When we finally finished up the ultrasound, we turned to leave and as I walked out the door, I heard my husband say, "Thank you.  I hope everything goes well for you and your pregnancy."  At the time, my head was elsewhere and didn't think one bit about it.  But, later on, the memory of my husband stating that one simple thing popped into my head.  It brought tears to my eyes.  He had just LOST his baby girl and his world was crashing in and yet he turned around and made sure to wish her that everything went safely for her.  I mean, seriously.  This speaks volumes to me.  I'm still dumbfounded at the thought.  I know that when the time comes for us to have more little ones, he will not disappoint.  He has such a caring heart and ever since I told him that he was going to be a daddy, he has definitely had a heart for kiddos.  I love this man with all my heart and I enjoy sharing with you all how I know that he truly is such a wonderful and Godly man.

What's in a name?

I've mentioned before that throughout my whole pregnancy, we didn't have a name picked out for the baby.  We had decided early on that we didn't want to pick out a name until we met our baby.  We wanted to see what he/she looked like and felt like we could pick out one that was fitting.  I wasn't sure why I was so adamant about waiting, I couldn't explain it.  All I knew is that is what I wanted so that's what we were doing.  We had a loooong, always changing list of names that we'd come up with over time.  People would ask us about names and we'd give them our list.  Sidney, Sabrina, Bridget, Kenley, and Chloe were some of them.  I felt so awkward talking about names whenever the topic was brought up.  Maybe it's because I knew in my heart that none of them were hers.  I couldn't believe that I couldn't choose a name that I absolutely loved because every since I was younger, I'd pick out my favorites and I had a few, but none of them seemed good enough.  I think God placed it in my heart that when the time came, he'd give me the perfect one.  It seemed that is exactly what happened...

When I was 34 weeks pregnant, it was Easter weekend.  I believe that the last day that our baby was with us on was Thursday, April 5th.  At the time, I noticed on Friday that I didn't remember her moving much that day.  Over the weekend, I'd thought she had moved a little but it turns out I had just felt my own pulse and mistaken them for hiccups and her repositioning was just due to my movements.  I was hoping so much that this was no big deal.  She was just not being very active because she was running out of room.  I decided to make a dr appt first thing on Monday and they got me in that day.  Before I went in, I was looking around on baby websites and looking at names.  I found the name "Lillian" and instantly was drawn to it.  I asked Brian (I was messaging him when he was at work) if he liked it and for once, we both agreed to a name.  We both really liked it, which was definitely rare.  So,  we agreed to add it to our list.  Brian met me at my appt that day and when we found out that our daughter was with the Lord, I spoke with the most assurance that I've ever known, "Her name is Lillian."  I felt that God had given us her name and Brian, being the wonderful man that he is simply stated, "Okay."  He knew that in my tone of voice that it was just fact.  That was her name.  I didn't even think about anything else.  We went ahead to make necessary plans and had to finish up an ultrasound.  It was devastating to see my once live baby with such a stillness on the screen.  The main thing that I remember that day was the instant I found out, I was totally at a loss.  My mind was going a million miles a minute and at the same time it was stopped.  I closed my eyes and wanted to be anywhere but there. All I remember was someone over me (I was laying down getting an ultrasound) and holding me.  It took me a minute to realize that it was my husband.  The first thing he said was, "This isn't your fault."  He wanted me to be sure to never ever blame myself.  He kept repeating it to me, knowing me all too well.  He made me say it aloud.  "It's not my fault."  He reassured me that I did EVERYTHING to take care of our baby.  I was the best mom to her.  It makes me tear up to think of how amazing he responded.  He was everything I needed and more.  He still is.  He took it to another level when he asked me what her middle name was.  Well, God had left that up to me because I got nothing!  "Uhh, I don't know."  So I let him pick.  He chose "Denae" after my middle name.  Gosh!  Why does this guy have to be so amazing?? I let him pick anything in the world and he picked my middle name.  So perfect.

It wasn't until later the next day while I was in recovery that we learned the meaning of her name.  My sister, Kirsten was on her phone looking up her name.  I'm not sure why but she was trying to find the meaning.  I remember that there was only a few of us in the room, Kirsten, Brian, my dad, and me.  She said, "Lillian, it means 'Innocence, Purity, and Beauty"   WOW!! I could not think of 3 better words to describe our precious little girl.  I knew that God had given us her name and now I knew why.

Pictures are worth a thousand words

If you know me personally, you know that I LOVE taking pictures.  I want to be able to remember special memories and so I'm the one with the camera on vacations, family parties, or whenever.  My pregnancy was definitely a special memory.  Starting at about 20 weeks, I took pictures every week to document my growing belly.  At first Brian happily offered to take the pictures for me since I was trying to pose and take the picture at the same time.  Later, he learned how generous of an offer it was.  This small weekly tradition soon turned bitter.  As I mentioned before, a pregnant woman is a sensitive being.  It quickly turned into a frustrating, never-ending, torturous photo shoot.  It literally took no less than 20 shots each week until I found one that was decent.  Looking back, I'm so grateful to have these pictures but during the time, I was so irritated!  Each week I felt more bloated than the last.  I was convinced that I looked fat, not pregnant!  Brian stayed calm and listened to my barking orders of "not that angle!", "turn the flash off", "how's this??".  Oh the memories... That was soo not fun.  But, I suppose all that matters is that we have documented my pregnancy as best as possible and I'm smiling in the pictures at least!  At least I looked happy right??  

 Here's just a few of them.  LOVE!!  I loved the time I had with her.  I didn't even know her name yet in all these pictures but I felt such a deep love for this little girl that was part of me and part of my hubby.  I miss being pregnant and feeling her kicks.  I miss this little being that I didn't really even get to meet.  Love you Lillian Denae.  I will always hold you in my heart!

Daddy's Little Girl

One of my favorite memories of Brian and Lillian was when he felt her kick for the first time.  I wasn't too far along and was occasionally feeling "flutters"  but nothing strong enough to feel from the the outside.  I was laying on the floor listening to Brian play the guitar.  I mentioned, "Maybe the baby will like music.  Play for her."  So I scooted up as close as I could to him and she was moving a little.  I told him to put his hand on my tummy and since it took two hands to play a guitar, I strummed a few cords.  All of the sudden him and I both felt a big *POP*.  That was the hardest I had ever felt her kick before.  We both got wide eyed and just stared at each other for a moment.  Then we busted up laughing in disbelief.  I could not believe that he just happened to be feeling the right spot at the right time and especially since I'd never felt her kick that hard before.  I'm guessing she was wanting to impress her daddy with her karate skills :)

Later on in my pregnancy, Brian was leaning over my belly talking to her.  He laid his cheek on my tummy and *THUMP*, yet again he was on the receiving end of our little girl's punches.  She whacked him right in the cheek.  His face lit up and we both had a good laugh after that one.  He loved talking to his baby girl.  He was the one giving her all these silly nicknames.  I did call her "sea monkey", I got it from my favorite movie of ALL time, Juno.  Brian and I even dressed up as Juno and Bleeker for Halloween.

I wasn't really that far along at the time so I added a pillow to make it a little more obvious.  My husband is such a trooper

Some of his nicknames for her included Kicky Baby, Silly Baby, and Baby girl.  This guy totally MELTED for his little girl.  I suggested for him to read to her every night just to have something that he could do to connect with her.  It's hard for dads to be very involved in pregnancies.  They can support moms in a lot of ways but there's little aside from talking that they can do to bond with the baby.  We got a few books for her and Brian would read them to her at night time.  We planned to continue the tradition when she was born too.  His favorite book to read was called, "Goodnight Gorilla".  We also liked "Goodnight Moon".  We later realized how appropriate these books were for us.  It was a sweet little gesture that Brian did for Lillian but was so meaningful in the end and I'm glad they had that.  

I can't stress enough how supportive Brian is.  He is so AMAZING.  Through day one he has been supportive and up to this day, I don't know how I got to be so lucky to have him.  He truly is my rock through everything.  In good times, great times, bad times, and even the horrible times.  I have heard awful statistics about couples who divorce after the loss of a child.  I do see how it could devastate a couple and family, however, I know this will not be the case for us.  I know with all my heart that when we promised each other to be there through good times and in bad, we both meant it.  We still mean it.  We were hurting together and now healing together.  

Sometimes I look at our life and think, "Wow.  From the outside looking in, our life sucks!"  And I used to believe that.  But this is far from the truth.  We ARE blessed.  Children are blessings and gifts from God.  We just don't get to always keep our blessings.  I refuse to continue to be sad about her leaving us.  I've begged God to take the pain away and helped us to feel whole again.  Lately, I've felt just that.  When I think with my head, yeah it is sad.  It's REALLY sad!  But, when I feel with my heart, the pain is gone.  The bottomless feeling of sadness that used to reside in my heart is gone.  I feel bad for everyone who knows us and thinks how devastated we must be.  How life shattering something like this would be to us.  I wish to tell everyone who feels "sorry" for us.  Don't!  I have lots to live for still. I have a wonderful and supportive family, an amazing husband, a future full of blessings, and a perfect little girl in heaven.  Really, if you think about it, she has the best life imaginable.  She went straight from her mommy's warm and comfortable womb straight to heaven.  She didn't endure the agonizing experience of birth, the pain of being hungry, the uncomfortable feeling of teeth coming in, getting shots, getting the flu, skinning her knee, falling off her bike, getting a broken heart, and much more importantly, the pain of a loss.  I don't look at her life in the sense of what she's missing out on.  How can you compare this measly life to the perfection and greatness of heaven?  It's really the most ideal life anyone can ask for.  Does that mean I want more children to go to heaven?  HECK NO!  I want lots more happy and healthy children here with me, on earth.  But, with Lillian, we had no choice.  So, I will continue to be happy for her because even though she's my daughter and I want her more than ever, I know she's safe.  I will see her again.  I have no doubts.  

Well, I didn't know that I was going to go on that tangent today but there it is folks.  I find this blog to be therapeutic and I'm glad to share our lives with everyone.  I don't want everyone to think I'm curled up in a ball on the floor bawling my eyes out day in and day out.  We are okay and we will continue to be okay.  Thanks for the love and support.  Love you all!

Instincts and Intuition

I've heard many times about "maternal instincts" and women who get the "mommy sense" but I guess I didn't know much about it until I experienced it first hand.  Looking back on my pregnancy, there were different things that I feel like I did because of my mommy instincts.  For some reason at about 20 weeks, I decided to start a journal.  I wanted to remember the major milestones that we went through and writing them down seemed like a logical thing to do.  I will forever cherish this journal and my pregnancy pictures that I insisted on taking.  I hadn't known at the time how important the journal would be in the future but I did know that I wanted to be able to remember as much as possible.  I nagged asked Brian to be sure to put some of his thoughts in it too.  I left the notebook out so I could remind myself to write something at least once a week.  I am soooo glad I listened to my instincts because I will treasure this notebook forever.  I wrote about everything.  I didn't want to forget anything about my pregnancy.  The day I decided to start the journal, I had just came across a blank notebook and picked up a pen and started writing.  I think Brian was cleaning out a room for his office/man cave so I opted to stay out of the way and sat at the desk and just started writing.  I guess nothing can state it better than me just copying my entry so here it is:
" December 31, 2011
This is a journal for our first child.  I decided to write to her so she can see how much she is loved, even before she arrived.  I'm starting this journal while I'm 20 wks pregnant and daddy and I are sooo anxious!

This is the last day of 2011, I'm reminiscing on the last year.  Daddy & I have done a lot in 2011.  We've settled into our new house, got to go to Seattle, San Diego, and the Bahamas, and learned we were going to be parents!  On the day I found out I was pregnant, I was so surprised!  We knew you'd be coming anytime now but we didn't know when or how soon.  I took a pregnancy test in September and saw that it was positive.  I was so overjoyed, I didn't know what to do.  I was feeling all these different emotions at once.  I wanted to tell your dad in some special way so I paced back and forth looking for an idea but came up with nothing so I grabbed the test and ran downstairs.  I told your dad that I needed to talk to him about something and asked him to turn his game off.  He sat next to me and asked what was up and I asked him, 'Will you be the father of my child?' and then handed him the test.  He said, 'Are you pregnant?!'  I said, 'Yeah!  I think so!'  We were so excited we just hugged and cried and didn't know what to say.  Words can't express the joy that you've brought to our lives already.  We told family and friends when I was about 8 wks pregnant and had our first dr's appointment at 10 weeks.  We got to have an ultrasound and saw your little body just laying up there on the screen.  We were in awe!  you had your hand up by your face like you were waving hi to us :)  Mommy and Daddy showed your picture to everyone!  We lovingly nicknamed you our little 'sea monkey.' You jumped during the sono and it was so cute!  Your grandparents can't wait till you get here. They were bursting at the seams to tell everyone but we made them wait a couple weeks.  We wanted to make sure you were healthy.  Aunt C & K are thrilled to meet you.  You are going to be one spoiled little girl!
In my first trimester I didn't have too many symptoms.  I managed to get by without any morning sickness, wooohoo!  I did crave a lot of junk food when I was first pregnant and I was a VERY hungry lady!  A few things I crave are:  Oj, ice cream, icees, citrus fruits, salty foods, junk food like chips, pizza, burgers, and fries. YUM!  The first time I felt you kick I was on a cruise ship with dad, gma & gpa Bayes and uncle A.  I was by myself in our cabin watching t.v. when I felt a little flutter in my belly.  I smiled and talked to you.  I was so ecstatic to feel you wiggling.  I was about 14 1/2 weeks along.  They say that's early but I think it's because you are a wiggle worm.  I'm afraid that when you get here we will have our hands full!  Which brings me to our 2nd ultrasound...  I had my 2nd sono when I was 18 weeks pregnant on December 19.  I had to work that day and I could not get through that day fast enough!  It was like Christmas came early and I was getting to have a present early.  I finally got to the dr's office and met daddy there.  We went in and the technician started showing us all your different parts.  She showed us kidneys, heart, brain, head, torso, arms, legs, feet, and face.  She finally asked us if she could tell the sex, if we wanted to know what it is.  I said YES!!  It seemed like forever before she finally checked and showed us that you were a girl!  Again, I was speechless.  Daddy was so happy to have a daddy's little girl :)  I've always wanted a little girl of my own and God has blessed us with one.  I had a feeling all along that you were a girl and now I knew you were!  Time to go shopping!
*side note that I added later- I forgot to mention, all through the ultrasound, you moved sooo much.  She had to try a few times to get a good picture of your face but you had your neck bent back and face buried into the wall of my uterus.  You were wiggling around so much she had to retake some pictures.  One time she even had to jiggle my belly around to get you to move.  We just laughed at your stubbornness.  Finally, when she was about to finish up, she went back to your face and we saw your cute little nose and lips.  What a beautiful girl we have and we have pictures to prove it! *
Of course we asked if everything looked good and if you were healthy.  I want you to be healthy and happy.  She said everything looks great and measures normal.  Your heartbeat was 165.  It
seems like all the old wive's tales were true with you:
-if you carry low, it's a girl
-if the heart rate's high, it's a girl (you've been in the 160s every time)
-if you crave oj, it's a girl
-the chinese gender predictor said you would be a girl
-we tried the "ring test" and tied daddy's wedding ring to a string and held it over my belly and it did circles instead of back and forth.  They say that means it's a girl
-i had a few people insist that you were a girl
-i had a hunch ever since the beginning
-i had many dreams that you were a girl.

Needless to say, we are so happy to have a little girl join our family.
Now that we're up to date, that brings us to the present.  Mommy and daddy have been working on your nursery.  We're changing it from an office to your bedroom.  I bought a pink and brown swing and lots of clothes and diapers for you already.  I need to stop buying things since I know we have a lot more coming!  I can't wait until you get here little girl, keep growing strong!"

Phew that was a lot of writing/typing.  It makes me happy now to look back on my writing to Lillian and know how much joy we had with her here.  I'm a little saddened by the feeling of us missing out on the future we had "planned."  God had different plans for her and we are still praying daily for a sense of peace in our lives.  I can honestly say that being 2 months out, I feel a lot of comfort and peace.  More than I thought I could ever imagine to have after such a huge tragedy.  I often hear about my and my husband's strength to get through this.  What strength?  I don't have any strength.  It is God's strength that gets us through and His alone.  I rely heavily on my ever supportive husband to pull me through the hard times (which are less and less frequent) but I know that without God, we would be at a loss.  I have prayed desperately for peace in our lives and have recently started to feel His hand holding us.  I know He is here with us and that we are not alone.  I also know that Lillian is living the best life we could never provide for her.  One without sin, sadness, grief, or pain.  She will never know the sadness we feel from her loss, and this alone brings me comfort.  I do ask for continued prayers for us.  We still need everyone's support and prayers, they truly mean more to us than we could ever express.  I promise that this blog will not have a big, tear-jerking, sad ending.  This part of our lives is just a small happening in our lives.  I will not let this part of our lives define who we are and I will certainly not let her down because "Lillian's Story" is just beginning.  She will forever live in our hearts.

Pink or Blue?

Waiting to find out the sex of the baby was close to torturous.  Like I said before, I'm a planner!  How can I go shopping and pick out the cutest clothes if I don't know who I'm shopping for??  I did buy a few neutral things but I'm a definitely a "pink" gal and if my baby was a girl, she is going to be decked out!  So when 18 weeks finally arrived, I was about to jump outta my skin with excitement.  I worked for half a day and I swear there were butterflies in my stomach all morning.  The time finally came to go to my doctor's appointment and Brian met me there.  We sat in the waiting room anxiously waiting.   I LOVED seeing the baby on the monitor so it was even better that we would find out the sex too!  After what seemed like forever, we finally got to called back to get our ultrasound.  Of course the technician took her sweet time doing measurements and making sure everything was in order.  I'm pretty sure she was enjoying making us wait until the end until she finally asked, "If I can determine the sex, do you want to know?"  Ummmm, YES!! Get to it lady!!  Finally.  We were going to know if we had a precious little girl to start our family or a handsome little man.  She told us, "Looks like you have a little girl."  Oh MY GOSH!! I had pink, flowers, bows,sparkles, princesses, and tiaras dancing around in my head.  A little girl.  I had a feeling that she was a girl the whole time but now i knew!  Brian was so excited.  I don't think he had visions of tea parties and dress up like I did, but was so thrilled nonetheless.  We didn't have any names picked out yet but we could call her a "she" at least!  The poor girl had a lot of nicknames but no real name yet.  We decided to make a list of "maybes" and when the time came for her to join us, we'd choose one that was fitting.  I wasn't sure at the time why I wanted to wait to name her but now know the reason.  The day before she was born, God gave us her name.  But, that story's for a later time.  

I surprised myself by not rushing to the store to buy out all their pink outfits.  For one reason, I had a wonderful cousin who was really crossing her fingers for a girl because after her three, she was done.  She had a ton of girl clothes and I was happy to take them off of her hands!  Another reason that I didn't run to the store to go shopping was that I had a party to plan.  I was having our family over for our "Gender Party" (carefully named because "Sex Party" seemed to insinuate a little different meaning.  Ha!)  So, I went to the grocery store and bought stuff for enchiladas, a cake, and some balloons.  Here comes the planner in me again because I wanted everyone to find out at the same time.  The idea was to fill an empty box with helium balloons and have my little cousin open it and then, taaadaaa!  It's a girl!  A little cheesy but I think everyone enjoyed it.  The party went off without a hitch and everyone was so excited.  It was a little expected since my mom's side has a running streak of ALL girls!  In 4 generations and 10 kids, they were all girls.  I was happy to continue the tradition although we were surprised that it's still going.  On my husband's side, it seemed to be about even with boys and girls, so we were going to break the tie either way.  I have always wanted a little girl of my own so, now I had my girl.  I went to sleep one happy mommy that night.