Daddy's Little Girl

One of my favorite memories of Brian and Lillian was when he felt her kick for the first time.  I wasn't too far along and was occasionally feeling "flutters"  but nothing strong enough to feel from the the outside.  I was laying on the floor listening to Brian play the guitar.  I mentioned, "Maybe the baby will like music.  Play for her."  So I scooted up as close as I could to him and she was moving a little.  I told him to put his hand on my tummy and since it took two hands to play a guitar, I strummed a few cords.  All of the sudden him and I both felt a big *POP*.  That was the hardest I had ever felt her kick before.  We both got wide eyed and just stared at each other for a moment.  Then we busted up laughing in disbelief.  I could not believe that he just happened to be feeling the right spot at the right time and especially since I'd never felt her kick that hard before.  I'm guessing she was wanting to impress her daddy with her karate skills :)

Later on in my pregnancy, Brian was leaning over my belly talking to her.  He laid his cheek on my tummy and *THUMP*, yet again he was on the receiving end of our little girl's punches.  She whacked him right in the cheek.  His face lit up and we both had a good laugh after that one.  He loved talking to his baby girl.  He was the one giving her all these silly nicknames.  I did call her "sea monkey", I got it from my favorite movie of ALL time, Juno.  Brian and I even dressed up as Juno and Bleeker for Halloween.

I wasn't really that far along at the time so I added a pillow to make it a little more obvious.  My husband is such a trooper

Some of his nicknames for her included Kicky Baby, Silly Baby, and Baby girl.  This guy totally MELTED for his little girl.  I suggested for him to read to her every night just to have something that he could do to connect with her.  It's hard for dads to be very involved in pregnancies.  They can support moms in a lot of ways but there's little aside from talking that they can do to bond with the baby.  We got a few books for her and Brian would read them to her at night time.  We planned to continue the tradition when she was born too.  His favorite book to read was called, "Goodnight Gorilla".  We also liked "Goodnight Moon".  We later realized how appropriate these books were for us.  It was a sweet little gesture that Brian did for Lillian but was so meaningful in the end and I'm glad they had that.  

I can't stress enough how supportive Brian is.  He is so AMAZING.  Through day one he has been supportive and up to this day, I don't know how I got to be so lucky to have him.  He truly is my rock through everything.  In good times, great times, bad times, and even the horrible times.  I have heard awful statistics about couples who divorce after the loss of a child.  I do see how it could devastate a couple and family, however, I know this will not be the case for us.  I know with all my heart that when we promised each other to be there through good times and in bad, we both meant it.  We still mean it.  We were hurting together and now healing together.  

Sometimes I look at our life and think, "Wow.  From the outside looking in, our life sucks!"  And I used to believe that.  But this is far from the truth.  We ARE blessed.  Children are blessings and gifts from God.  We just don't get to always keep our blessings.  I refuse to continue to be sad about her leaving us.  I've begged God to take the pain away and helped us to feel whole again.  Lately, I've felt just that.  When I think with my head, yeah it is sad.  It's REALLY sad!  But, when I feel with my heart, the pain is gone.  The bottomless feeling of sadness that used to reside in my heart is gone.  I feel bad for everyone who knows us and thinks how devastated we must be.  How life shattering something like this would be to us.  I wish to tell everyone who feels "sorry" for us.  Don't!  I have lots to live for still. I have a wonderful and supportive family, an amazing husband, a future full of blessings, and a perfect little girl in heaven.  Really, if you think about it, she has the best life imaginable.  She went straight from her mommy's warm and comfortable womb straight to heaven.  She didn't endure the agonizing experience of birth, the pain of being hungry, the uncomfortable feeling of teeth coming in, getting shots, getting the flu, skinning her knee, falling off her bike, getting a broken heart, and much more importantly, the pain of a loss.  I don't look at her life in the sense of what she's missing out on.  How can you compare this measly life to the perfection and greatness of heaven?  It's really the most ideal life anyone can ask for.  Does that mean I want more children to go to heaven?  HECK NO!  I want lots more happy and healthy children here with me, on earth.  But, with Lillian, we had no choice.  So, I will continue to be happy for her because even though she's my daughter and I want her more than ever, I know she's safe.  I will see her again.  I have no doubts.  

Well, I didn't know that I was going to go on that tangent today but there it is folks.  I find this blog to be therapeutic and I'm glad to share our lives with everyone.  I don't want everyone to think I'm curled up in a ball on the floor bawling my eyes out day in and day out.  We are okay and we will continue to be okay.  Thanks for the love and support.  Love you all!