Unexpected bumps

It's been a while since I've posted.  Our little bumblebee is 4 weeks old today!  I can't believe every morning that I get to roll over and see this beautiful face

How lucky am I??  I'm loving every second of motherhood, even those 2 am feedings and changings.  Bring it on!  This little boy has my heart and I love him with every fiber of my being.  He is so utterly amazing.

I last spoke about the things that lead up to him being here.  So many things came together to make him being here early a little easier.  This post will explain a little about the craziness that happened the day I got induced.  I haven't really had a chance to share much about his arrival and there's so much to the story that I'll have to make multiple posts.  

So, starting from the morning of September 26th, I decided to go out and shop at garage sales.   I cannot pass up a good sale, especially with a baby on the way.  I set out in search of more newborn clothes since I decided I didn't have enough for my little one.  I didn't have much luck but the last sale that I stopped at was a success.  I found Evan some onesies and as I was browsing the knick knacks, I found a treasure, a little craft wooden ladybug.  I picked it up and thought about it and actually put it back down.  After a few moments of going back and forth, I decided that the ladybug was worth 25 cents, so I added it to my pile.  I got into my car with my newly acquired treasures and started driving around in search of more sale signs.  Not 10 minutes later, I got a phone call.  I looked at the number and noticed it was my doctor's office.  I was confused since the only time they call me is for a reminder of an appointment.  My next appointment wasn't until the following Wednesday, so it couldn't be that.  I answered the phone and my doctor greeted me.  Uhhh... Now I was really confused.  She has never personally called me.  Usually the automatic messaging calls, or even my nurse, but never my doctor.  I was really lost as to why I was talking to my dr.  She started talking to me about my ultrasound (which was the day before) and wanted to "catch me up" with a few things.  I listened as she started explaining that she had talked to my ultrasound tech who had noticed something during our appointment.  My doctor decided it was worth mentioning to the high risk ob and they all discussed that this abnormality was risky enough that they weren't comfortable leaving him be.  She explained that one of his umbilical veins (veins inside of his tummy that transferred blood from the cord to his body, not the umbilical cord itself) showed to be enlarged.  Apparently this has risk of developing clots, which in turn, can cause fetal death... My heart dropped.  I just sat there and listened as my mind raced and my hand held my tummy.  I felt so betrayed.  I had prayed all throughout this pregnancy and (most of the time) had kept my stress and worry level down.  I had put faith in God that He would see us through this pregnancy and that we would get our healthy baby.  All of this stuff kept going through my mind as I was supposed to be listening to my doctor.  I know my dr could sense my apprehension and reassured me the best she could.   All I could think of was, "Not again. Not again."   I asked her opinion on where we go from here.  She said that her recommendation, along with the high risk O.B. was to have me come in for an amniocentesis to see if Evan's lungs were developed enough for him to be delivered and then I could be induced if we got a positive result (which she anticipated would be the case).  I was so flustered with her news, I asked her to give me a short explanation so I could call Brian and fill him in.  I listened really carefully this time and tried to think of any last minute questions before I hung up.  I surprised myself by thinking level-headed enough to ask, "After he's here, are there any risks?"  She told me that since we don't use our umbilical cords after birth, he would no longer have any issues after he makes his debut.  My heart filled after hearing this.  My baby would be just fine after he is in my arms.  Now, we just have to get him here... Like, NOW.  I hung up with her and sat there in my car for a second.  I prayed and held my tummy while I told myself it WILL be alright.  I dialed Brian's number and tried to tell him as calmly as possible what I had just discussed with my doctor.  He asked a few questions and then when I asked, "What do we do?? I'm not ready!"  He simply replied, "We're going in to get induced"  It was just fact to him.  I had all these emotions and questions and thoughts swirling in my mind and my level-headed husband heard the facts and just accepted it.  I kept telling him that I wasn't ready for this.  I was going to have a baby by the next day!  I couldn't wrap my head around it and yet he was so calm and reassured me that yes, I was ready and we are going in to have a baby.  He also made sure to tell me, "It's going to be okay"  I believed him.  He's faced hell with me.  It HAD to be okay!  We couldn't face anymore tragedy, especially with our precious baby.  He hung up the phone and mentioned to his nearest co-worker that he had to go and wouldn't be back for a while and drove straight home to meet me.  

The next phone call I made was to my mom.  I filled her in the best I could and she insisted on coming over to help us.  She wouldn't take no for an answer and I didn't push it since I think I needed someone to tell me what to do.  She came straight over and finished packing things on our list that we still needed.

I remember being so scared and confused on the way to the hospital.  I was wondering why this was not going so smoothly.  I needed this baby in my arms and I needed everything to go perfect.  It was then that it dawned on me.  Lillian had sent me a ladybug not 10 minutes before getting that phone call.  She knew what was going to happen even before I did.  I was definitely reassured that she was looking out for her baby brother and parents.  I would be lying if I said that I was calm after that.  I was still shaken up and kind of confused at the situation.  I was worried about my baby and I hated that this wasn't going as smoothly as I anticipated.  The most important thing is that he is healthy.  We were a little nervous on the way to the hospital but little did I know what my baby girl had in store.

(This is the good part!)

We drove into the parking garage and parked near the hospital entrance.  We left all of our bags in the car and the car seat was literally thrown in the back seat, not strapped in.  My doctor had scheduled an amniocentesis for 12 pm and had instructed us to arrive at 11.  We were running a few minutes behind but had made record time after receiving such life-altering news.  We were going in as a couple and leaving with an infant!  Can you tell my mind was blown??  So, we walk to the elevators, ride up to the labor and delivery floor, get off the elevator and see the same waiting room that we faced 17 months prior. Only last time, we faced a waiting room full of our devastated family members.  I will never forget that look in their faces.  I walked past those chairs and up to the desk.  There was a nurse at the desk and a receptionist behind, but otherwise, we were the only people there.  I did a double take at the nurse.  Could it be?? Before even looking at her name tag, I exclaimed, "Are you (insert name here)?!?"  Then I looked down and saw that, in fact, it was who I thought it was.  The nurse who was with me all day with Lillian.  She was SUCH a Godsend!  She is the woman who took care of our daughter when it was too much for us to face.  She wrapped her up and introduced her to us so gently and told us how beautiful she was.  I don't remember the names of any of my other nurses last time, but this one, she was an angel!  I will never forget her for as long as I live.  She is amazing.  And there she was!  With tears in my eyes I told her, "You were with us last time!  You were my nurse!"  She smiled at me and asked how long ago was that.  I told her it was about a year and a half ago.  I was almost crying at her, poor lady.  She said, "Are you here for an amnio?"  I told her I was.  She replied, "You're my 12 o'clock!"           GOOSEBUMPS!

Thank you God!! How could I be afraid when my favorite nurse was with me?? Oh my gosh, you guys.  I cannot explain the heaviness that was lifted.  It was going to be okay!  God was working already and my favorite nurse was going to get to meet Lillian's little brother.  

Bumblebee is here!

He's here! He's here! He's here!
Our little miracle has made his arrival!  We are beyond thrilled and overjoyed to have our little bumblebee in our arms.  He is everything I expected and more.  I absolutely adore this little being.

Just like everything else in our lives, there is a wonderful story behind his arrival.  It was a day full of chaos, stress, fear, and anxiousness, but it ended with our boy in our arms.  That's all that matters.  It will take me a few posts to tell his story because of all the wonderful miracles that were intertwined to bring him here.  This first one I'll talk about the week prior to his arrival.

I didn't realize as we were going through it, but so many things were starting to come together so that we could have everything prepared for Evan to join us.  The first thing was the car seat.  My mom and I were discussing what we needed before the baby was born since we weren't having any showers until after his arrival.  She wanted to get him his car seat since it's kind of a necessity!  My grandma and mom both went in on it I ended up ordering it for them because I'm a sucker for deals and could get them a better price by using my own card.  The car seat was delivered to us within a week before Evan being born.  We had ordered it early, since he still had a month before his due date.  I am SO thankful we had that little twinge of urgency!  We could have bought him a car seat from the store but the one we had picked out is only available online.  Not to mention, once we realized he would be making an early appearance, things got a little crazy.

Another crazy happenstance was my urge to get the nursery done.  Brian and I had discussed earlier in the pregnancy how hard it was for me to be in Lillian's room.  We had both went in there and set it all up perfectly and arranged her things so meticulously so that it would be ready for her.  Later, we had to face the empty room that no longer held her things and that was truly devastating.  In this pregnancy, it was hard to see that room as anything but hers.  I didn't want to face it at all and was insisting on having family come over to help with it AFTER  Evan was here.  Well, for one reason or another, I started feeling like it was okay.  I kept thinking about the possibility of working on the nursery and finishing it before I had him.  We made the phone calls and asked our family if they would like to help out and be a part of putting his room together.  So, the last weekend we had before Evan's birthday, we spent the day moving furniture, decorating, arranging, and cleaning his room.  Seriously, the very last weekend!  The only things that I had left to do in the nursery was to find some curtains and to finish wall hangings with my grandma.  I went crazy looking for the perfect curtains.  We finished the nursery set up on Saturday and then I dragged Brian around town looking for curtains on Sunday morning.  I was so tired from tromping around 3 different stores with my 45 extra pounds of baby that we didn't even go to church that morning (shhhh, don't tell my pastor).  I was REALLY discouraged, though!  I even got online and looked for some and was pretty perturbed when I had no luck.  So, I used my plan b and called grandma!  Grandma is so handy!  I asked if she would take me to a fabric store that week and we could find some material that I liked and just make the stupid things (I was a little aggravated at that point).  Of course, she was happy to help me out and the following Tuesday (3 days before he was born) we did just that.  I ended up finding some really cute fabric, and it was on sale.  We also bought some flannel to make some burp rags since it was super cheap and I had only a couple.  We didn't completely finish the curtains that day but I was happy that I had something that I loved, and we were almost done with them.  My urge to finish the nursery was a little strange since I was not even 37 weeks along and prior to then, I insisted on waiting to do it until after I had him.  Crazy!
Okay, now go back to Saturday... The same day we worked on the nursery.  That evening I scheduled to have our maternity pictures done with a good friend of ours who has done our pics for quite some time.  She has taken our pictures for numerous occasions including family, senior, engagement, wedding, new house, gender reveal, and even our little girl's funeral.  Every time she's given us such treasures that are irreplaceable.  I hadn't made it to our scheduled date for maternity pics with Lillian.  We were one week shy of doing them.  I really wish we had scheduled them just a week sooner.  But, with Evan, we had them scheduled for when I was 36 weeks along.  I measured about 2 weeks ahead, so I really looked like I was ready to pop!  The photo shoot went sooo perfectly and I about cried when I saw the shots she got.  Amazing!  Once again, this was not even a week before Evan was born (only 6 days prior).  I'm so incredibly thankful that we got those pictures done in time!  I really would have been disappointed to miss another one of my opportunities to document my pregnancy.

Now I'm going to fast forward to the day before I got the call that it was "go time".  I'll explain more about why Evan was born early in my next few posts but right now I'm focusing on the day before.  It really is bizarre!  So, on Wednesday I woke up on a mission.  I had decided that I should go to the store and get a few meals to bake and freeze.  Usually, going to the store is an ordeal for me.  I have to get online and check the sales and coupon matchups, then make a list, find my coupons, and get everything organized before I go.  This time I didn't worry about that.  I just found a couple recipes that I could fix for an easy freezer meal.  I ran to the grocery store, well run isn't really an appropriate word for it.  Okay, I waddled through the grocery store and grabbed a few essentials, including a "0" birthday candle.  I had seen an idea online where you get a little cupcake for baby's "birth" day.   The cashier kinda looked at me funny when I checked out and asked, "So, who's turning zero?"  I just pointed at my belly and he laughed at me.  I later went home and made two recipes and stuck them in the freezer.  It was a little tolling since being on my feet was really hard on my back, but I managed.  I relaxed until Brian got home and apologized for the lack of dinner.  I had been busy all day but still had to make dinner for that night.  He is so understanding and laid back, he didn't even mind.  The funny thing is, the story isn't even over.  The crazy part is what I did that night!
I was so exhausted from going to the store and cooking all day that I had collapsed on our over-sized bean bag chair.  Brian was sitting with me, playing a game, I'm sure.  I turned to him and asked him, "Are we ever going to pack our hospital bag?  We have nothing ready."  As exhausted as I was, I heaved my fat butt upstairs and started going over our list.  We went back and forth to different rooms and got some of the stuff put into our duffle bags and diaper bag.  After we got the majority of our stuff organized, I ended up in the nursery.  I sat in the rocking chair and teared up.  I had the realization that the baby we'd bring into this room wasn't our little girl.  I had to have a moment to just let that go.  Brian came in and saw me in my exhausted, hormonal upset and held me.  It was like I had to have closure that night before I went to bed.  I eventually collapsed in bed that night after a very long day of being productive.  That was the last night we had together at home before our little man would join us.  I am so thankful I had some sort of drive to kick things into gear.  I had a little voice telling me that I thought he would be born early but I had no idea that he would be 3.5 weeks!
This whole post are the things that happened a week or less prior to baby bumblebee's appearance.  What a week!

The next few posts will be a clearer explanation of what brought about his early arrival.  It was a scary and nerve-wrecking few days but, as cliche as it may sound, it was so worth it.  Here's our little guy for your viewing pleasure.

Evan Scott Bayes

Born September 27, 2013

7lbs 10 oz

20" long

*Giant sigh of relief*  We are past 34 weeks!  I know it's not some magic number but there's just something about passing that number of 34 that makes me breathe a little easier.  As we approached that milestone, I couldn't help but feel a little overwhelmed.  I kept thinking about how long this pregnancy has taken to get this far.  I still can't completely fathom how we managed to get through the worst time in our lives.  Just thinking about it still gets me choked up.  It's so hard to describe the loss of a baby you never got a chance to "meet."  If I were on the outside looking in, I know I wouldn't understand it.  Evan's pregnancy has been a time of a lot of healing and even more joy.  He reminds us that there is good in this world, there are healthy babies, we will receive blessings.  He's done so much for our broken hearts.  Even though being pregnant again brings up a lot of grief and emotions, I think it's necessary.  We so badly need a little one to hold and love on and kiss.  I'm so thankful my husband had the same feeling about the situation that I did.  We were both devastated over the loss of our precious girl but we couldn't bring her back to us.  However, we could give her the gift of siblings.  We both wanted to have children as soon as possible.  I never thought I would say this but I'm thankful that I had a cesarean.  The c section forced us to wait at least 9 months before thinking of adding to our family again.  It was SUCH a blessing for us to wait.  It took me a while to get past the intense grief and the newness of the situation.  Even though I would have never believed it back then, it was definitely best that we have some time to heal.  It's been 17 months (wow!)  since we had our daughter.  I still have problems wrapping my head around the thought that we are parents to two children.  I'm so in love with both of our children and ache to hold both of them.  I tell Lillian that every time we kiss her brother, we'll be sending her a kiss too.  I know there's a connection between the two of them since she helped bring him into this world.  I've wondered if she's already met him.  

We are so so so ready to meet this little man.  I'm praying he decides to make an early appearance because my patience is running out.  This is week 35 and we get to see Evan every week now with our ultrasounds.  He is growing and doing perfect.  He weighs about 5 pounds now and has a full head of hair!  37 weeks is technically considered full term so anywhere between 2-5 weeks, our son will be joining us.  I'm totally in disbelief at that.  I don't think I'll believe that he's actually coming until he's in my arms.  Even then, I'll probably pinch myself.  I cannot wait!

Last weekend Brian and I went to an event offered at our hospital.  They had short sessions throughout the day that you could pick and choose off of a list and attend at your leisure.  They also had a bunch of vendors with pamphlets, freebies, and merchandise.  How could I say no to a day full of FREE baby info sessions and random pamphlets??  We started our day walking around the vendors and perusing the booths.  I got some good information, entered a few raffles, and took a few cards/pamphlets that I knew would go straight to the recycle bin.  I didn't want to be rude, though!  I HAD to take them :)  After about a half hour of meandering, the classes started.  The one class that appealed to us the most was Infant CPR.  Brian and I chose that as the first class we'd attend.  VERY important!  We brushed up on our first aid skills and I'm now really confident that we are up to date in case an emergency should ever arise.  The second class was a class for dads.  I thought it would be fun to see what info they presented to the dads that showed up.  I went along for support.  I was really hoping that it would be an infant 101 class for new dads but it really just ended up being a generic, "be there for your kids and wife" class.  I was really disappointed in it.  I thought it would be funny to watch Brian learn how to change a diaper or assist his wife through labor.  They covered nothing like that!  Boo!  So, after our oh-so-informative "dad class" was over, we got in line to go on the hospital tour.  I made the quick decision to do the tour just to make sure I knew what to do when it's go time.  Even though we've already been to this hospital, I wanted to make sure I knew the layout.  I wasn't exactly of sound mind at our last stay.  By the time the tour was about to start, my back was killing me and I was starting to run out of energy.  Brian asked me if I would be up to doing the tour since I was already wincing in pain.  I told him that I'd push through and be fine, so off we went.  The tour group had about 20 people in it, so the mass of us headed to the elevator to the labor and delivery floor.  Half of the group got on one elevator while the rest of us waited for the second.  Brian and I were some of the last people on when a dad and his little girl, no more than two, stepped onto the elevator behind us.  I looked down and smiled at her.  She was dressed in pink and had dark brown, curly hair.  My eyes then went to her skirt... Ladybugs!  I looked at my husband and whispered, "Awwww, her skirt has ladybugs on it."   Right after that, we arrived at our floor.  The dad and daughter stepped out of the way so the herd could exit the elevator.  As the elevator doors opened, life seemed to slow down.  Brian's body language changed and I could tell he had the same feeling in his stomach that I just did.  Our first look out of the elevator was the exact waiting room we entered 16 months ago and it was filled with our family who looked upset and grief stricken.  I looked around and could almost feel the sadness.  I grabbed my husband's hand as he took a deep sigh.  I was kicking myself for not thinking this all out.  Of course we were going to go see the same place we were when we had Lillian.  It hadn't dawned on me and I'm not really sure why.  It took my breath away seeing this room again and I didn't know if I wanted to go any further.  I walked hand in hand with my husband as the group shuffled/waddled down the hallway.  We went to see one of the rooms that we'd be staying in when we arrived at the hospital.  The tour guide explained all the protocols of admittance and the generic guidelines for moms in labor.  We later went to the other floor which is where mom and baby recover until it's time to go home.  Brian and I had seen enough of that room last time we were there so we decided to wait in the hallway.  I turned to him and apologized for deciding to go on the tour.  I should have realized that we would be revisiting the same place that we had experienced so much pain only a year and a half ago.  I was kicking myself for not thinking of it sooner and I hated that my hubby and I were now so down after having such a good morning.  We followed the group back downstairs to the main expo and after a quick break, decided we were both done for the day.  We ended up skipping the last session and left before the door prizes were drawn.

We left the hospital and walked hand in hand back to the car, a little exhausted from the day.  On the way home we stopped for lunch and discussed the morning.  In a way, we were thankful for visiting the hospital before checking in to deliver Evan.  I think that would have been very overwhelming to show up while in labor and seeing that place again for the first time since our last stay.  It was something that needed to happen, however it didn't make it any less painful.  Seeing all those sights just brought all our emotions back to surface.  It was a difficult experience but an important one that needed to be faced.

When we were in the car, almost home, I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.  I answered it only to learn that I had won a door prize from one of the vendors.  I was so excited to learn it was an item I had been eyeing earlier.  The booth had many hand-made items including this towel apron.  I made plans to meet up with the lady later that day to pick up my prize.   When we met up, she handed me this aqua blue towel apron with brightly colored animals on the border.  I unwrapped some of the ribbon around it and low and behold, there were little ladybugs along with the other animals.  Lillian was with us before we even knew we needed her (on the little girl's skirt)  and afterwards she sent us a gift for her little brother.  Our little angel knows exactly what we need.

Here's the little ladybug on our towel :)

For those of you wondering what a towel apron is... It's simply an apron made out of a bath towel.  You wear it when you give your kiddos a bath to protect you from getting soaked and when they're done, you scoop them up and wrap them in your towel.  Genius!

Third Trimester

Well, we did it.  We've made it to the third trimester with our rainbow baby.  Evan is doing great and growing nice and healthy.  We have started our weekly ultrasounds to ensure that he's developing and doing all he should.  His first biophysical profile went perfectly.  He showed us that he knows how to use his lungs, wiggled around, and my favorite part, showed us his luscious locks.  His hair has grown since the last time we saw him, just two weeks ago.  He hid his adorable little face but we got a peek at his pouty lips and chubby cheeks.  I'm so in love with this little man.  He has my heart already.  I know Lillian sent him to us to help us heal a little.

As we get closer to the 34 week mark, I'm needing to remind myself more and more to just take life a day at a time.  At my dr appt yesterday, my tummy measured at 34 weeks.  All I could think about is this is the size I was with Lillian.  She always measured right with the correct week. I miss her beyond words can say but in a way, being pregnant makes me close to her again.  With the feeling of closeness, it also brings sadness and grief back into the picture.  I know part of it is pregnancy hormones and regular mommy anxiety but a lot of it is from our loss.  I can't protect our children from everything and that is the most helpless feeling in the world.  So, I have to go back to our our life motto, "one day at a time".  Sometimes it's more of an hour or minute, but the most important thing is to not jump ahead.  We are at 32 weeks with our pregnancy and 16 months out from having Lillian.  That's where we have to be right now.  I can't worry about things that are out of my control.  

As of right now, we are okay.  We appreciate any prayers as we are approaching the 34 week mark and possibly facing higher anxiety.  I'm so beyond thankful to have this little miracle but I'm sooo ready for him to be here.  My body isn't exactly thrilled to be pregnant and it's been a little miserable.  I would do anything to get my baby here safely, though.  So, I will gratefully endure anything until he decides to make his debut.  I can't wait to meet Evan and I cannot wait to show him off.  I know he's so loved by so many people and he will grow up knowing that if it weren't for his sister, and all the love and support we've received, and of course, God's grace, he wouldn't be a part of our family.  We are so so very thankful for the continued support.  We are almost there!

Another post within a week?? Wow!  So, today I have a short story but it's still a good one.
It starts a couple days ago when I was feeling kinda down.  I don't know if it's the weather or what but I've been so restless lately.  I'm so ready for this baby to be here and I'm done being pregnant.  Don't take that the wrong way, I LOVE that I'm pregnant.  This baby is a blessing sent here from God and Lillian.  I'm just so ready for my son to be out here in my arms.  I've described it before as feeling like an extended pregnancy.  I spent 8 months bonding with Lillian before having to say goodbye and then move on as a mom without a child.  It's a little confusing for my heart to be pregnant again since it's such a familiar feeling, it's just unreal to believe that it will end with a baby in our arms.  If you do the math, it's like I've been pregnant about 15 months total and I'm just done.  I feel like I've put the effort in and I just want my baby here.  I was feeling that way a couple days ago when I was going against my cardinal rule of taking it a day at a time.  I was feeling overwhelmed with the thought of a possible 11 more weeks before we get to meet our little prince.  That seems like such a long time.  I was also sad because I feel so far away from Lillian.  It's been almost 16 months since we've had her with us and it's hard to move on.  I haven't had as many signs from her since I've been pregnant.  I miss her immensely and I know that this baby will bring some healing but no matter how many children we have, it will never be her.  Brian gave me a hug and reminded me that we can't worry about the future or the past.  We can just be in the moment.  I eventually took his advice and although I didn't like it, I turned my mind off.  I stopped dwelling on the time we have left and all the "what ifs" that can haunt you during pregnancy.  I did remind Lillian that I like feeling her close to me though.

Skip forward to this morning and I woke up to a couple messages from my friend on fb.  She had came across a website that had a little Ladybug mascot on it.  This little ladybug's name just happened to be "Lilly."  That was so cute.  On the page it said, "Lilly the Ladybug Finds Her New Home"

Um, Okay Lillian!  I get it!
She's telling me that she's always here with me but also, she's where she's supposed to be too.  She HAS found her new home.  So, that was really reassuring to have a sweet little message from her after I need it.  It still surprises me that I seem to get the signs and messages after I really need them.  She sees that her momma needs some love.

The second thing that my friend sent me was that she was at the store later and met a little girl wearing a ladybug raincoat and guess what her name was... Lillian.

I was speechless as I read that message.  I hadn't told anyone besides Brian that I was having a hard time a few nights ago.  It turns out that I don't need to.  Lillian sees when her mom is struggling and sends me ladybugs when I need them the most.  I am so in awe of the wonderful blessings that my daughter has brought and still brings to us.  The most important one being, her little brother.

The days are on my calendar are slowly getting crossed off.  As I mark an "X" on the day of the calendar that we're on, I take comfort in the fact that we are one day closer to meeting our baby boy.  We are getting there.  I can't believe that we're actually in this moment.  We are at 28 weeks today and my heart is so full of love for the son we haven't met yet.  I want nothing more than to protect this innocent little being with all that I have and I know that it's not up to me.  That's the hardest thing I've had to come to terms with I think.  Ultimately, I can't control what goes on in his life even though he's in me.  I can however, control myself and how we approach obstacles.  I can choose to pray for his safety and that God will hold us in the good AND bad times.  I can show Evan how much our heavenly father loves us and that no matter what, He will always be there for us.  I can love my baby and talk to him and meet him where he's at right now, which is about 2 pounds and growing.  I'm in a sappy mood right now so I suppose this will be a sappy post.  Currently, my son is running on my emotions because he's kicking the tar out of me.  He's giving me the extra love that I need.  He is filling my heart with the love that I've been missing and my mommy mode is kicking back in.  As I suspected early on, as soon as the excitement started kicking in, so would the emotions.  In the beginning of this pregnancy, I was so very thankful but I couldn't bring myself to get excited.  I was just getting by and focusing on the day to day stuff.  As we moved along, I slowly started to realize what this all entailed.  We still just take life a day at a time but as I feel my baby wiggling around, it's hard to ignore the fact that his due date is coming sooner than later.  I feel so extremely blessed to have this little miracle growing inside of me but sometimes the feelings of happiness and joy are accompanied with sadness, anxiety, and the bittersweet realization of what we are missing with dear Lillian.  I've said it many, many times, I don't think our daughter is missing a single thing in life. Not one single thing.  We are the ones who are missing out.  I do find comfort in the fact that she will never hurt or long for me.  She doesn't know pain or the feeling of being without her momma.  She has the overall picture of what exactly life entails.  In the blink of an eye, her mom and the rest of her family will join her for eternity.  However, on the flip side, we on earth don't have this perspective.  A lifetime is such a long time to be away from your child.  It hurts me everyday to have a piece of my heart gone.  I want to stress to all those who have also lost a loved one, we are making it, but it's not easy.  I try my hardest to show our life for what it truly is.  Sometimes it's awful, stressful, draining, and exhausting, but it can also be strengthening, healing, joyful, and calm.  There's so much that goes along with grief but the most important thing that we try to remember is just trust God.  He is our rock and strength.  I do not know how anyone copes without a relationship with Him.  There would be no hope.  I would say that if I had to sum up how I'm doing right now with this pregnancy I would say that we are doing pretty well overall.  I'm not anxious at all, I haven't had many breakdowns, and I'm still just content with being at 28 weeks.  We are slowly getting there and it is wonderful.
This little guy is bringing around happiness in a place that hasn't seen it in a while.  He is lighting up our family's lives already and making his daddy especially happy.  I love watching Brian's face gleam with pride when he's holding my tummy and feeling the little bumps.  It fills my heart with joy to see my partner experience the joys of parenthood again.  We recently got to see Evan in a 3d ultrasound.  I was speechless to see his perfect little face and his adorable pouty lips.  I wonder if he will resemble his sister at all.  I looked at Lillian's ultrasounds and saw that she has the big pouty lip like her brother.  I know that when I kiss him, I will be sending a kiss to heaven to our sweet girl.  I know she knows the devout love we feel for her and she makes her love known to us all the time.  I will always miss her being in our life but will never forget the impact she has made and continues to make in our lives.  All her siblings will know that there is one very special girl looking out for them.

Hope and healing

Wow it's been so busy lately.  I miss blogging on a regular basis but I feel like I've run out of stories to share.  I have been doing pretty good in pregnancy so far.  I've felt pretty good for the most part but more recently have had intense back pain.  I've started going back to my chiropractor to remedy that, so hopefully I'll be on the mend soon.  Emotionally, I've been doing far better than I ever anticipated.  We've prayed over and over that this pregnancy wouldn't be filled with anxiety and fear.  I dreaded going through the next pregnancy before we were expecting, but am somewhat surprised how smoothly the first 25 weeks has gone.  I do have my moments that are harder than others.  I think being pregnant brings up so many memories and emotions about Lillian that aren't avoidable.  I remember the excitement we had when I started to show and how thrilled we were to have a little girl joining us soon.  A piece of my heart will always be with her, it breaks for the loss of someone so precious.  I think in my mind, I have some doubts or fears, but my heart knows that our son will be here safe and sound.  The hardest part is having him here and not both of our children.

My mind works differently these days.  I've often wondered things about our future that most don't have to think about.  My poor innocent little baby will grow up knowing about death.  He will learn early on about his perfect older sister who is with Jesus.  I didn't have an experience with loss until I was in my teens.  I will have to face the questions of why part of our family isn't here.  I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it.  As a parent, the most important thing that you want to do is to protect your children.  Protect them from pain and the harsh world.  It's heartbreaking for me to think how we have to expose our other kids to such sadness at such an early age.  But, on the other hand, I wouldn't exclude Lillian from our family.  Ever.  I'm saddened to have to explain to her siblings that she's not with us, but I don't feel there is any other option.  She's their big sister and always will be.  I never thought that we'd ever have to contemplate subjects such as this but this is what hand we were dealt, so we will do our best.

Part of me is trying to be thankful of where we are at in this pregnancy.  I'm at 25 weeks and baby has been moving on a regular basis.  I think we've gotten this far without any major anxiety because we've focused on where we were at and not how much further there is to go.  We've spent time in prayer, asking God to be with us as we get through another pregnancy and we of course have pleaded with him that this baby get to stay with us.  The other half of me is ready for him to be born.  I know this isn't an option because we still have about 12 weeks left until he's considered full term and I want him to be healthy!  But, if I could, I would jump ahead to October and skip right to the delivery.  I long for my baby to be here and my heart is so ready to be a mommy to someone I can cuddle and love on.

For the most part, my pregnancy symptoms have been almost identical.  I have had back pain, round ligament pains, annoying gag reflex, and no morning sickness!!  The babies have had a little bit of different personalities, though.  Lillian was so sporadic with her movements and it was pretty random.  She'd be busy one day and calm the next.  Evan is more laid back.  His movements are pretty consistent and I can tell his sleep schedule.  It reassures me that he has a routine.  I can tell that he wakes up every few hours, wiggles around, and then goes back to sleep.  I think he's going to be like his daddy, pretty chill.  I'm okay with that. Brian thinks that Lillian was a little high strung, like her momma :P  I'm okay with that too.  I love my little mini-me.

There has been a few differences when it's come to decisions for me.  I'm not at a point that I want to do the nursery.  It is hard for me to think about how much we worked in that room for Lillian.  I had everything set up for her and it was perfect and then all of the sudden it was empty.  Currently, I have all of her stuff downstairs in storage and Evan's stuff in the nursery.  I've bought him quite a few things but can't bring myself to organizing it.  I asked my wonderful family if that could be their gift to us, putting the nursery together.  They are more than happy to do so.  I also asked that my baby showers wait until Evan was here.  I want it to be a "Welcome Baby Celebration".  It's hard for me to get excited about him being here and make a big fuss over cute outfits and blankets when he's not here yet.  I don't mind getting gifts for him but it seems a little overwhelming to have all attention on me at a party.  I guess I don't have my head wrapped around this completely because my reasoning is a little random.  All I know, is that I just want him here.  I will party with everyone else when he is here!  I just have to get there first.  Maybe part of it is because our "code" in getting through this is taking it a day at a time.  As the days slowly tick by, that's one day crossed off my calendar, one day closer to seeing my baby boy.  Setting up the nursery or having a baby shower kind of goes against that code.  It's jumping ahead to the end, which is against the rules for us.  Weird, I know, but it works for us.

In a couple days, I have a drs appointment.  I will have a glucose screening, an ultrasound, and a regular appointment.  It is also the same day that marks 15 months since Lillian was born.  That is just incredible to me.  My heart still longs for my daughter but it doesn't hurt as deeply as it has before.  My wound is healing but there will always be a piece missing.  I think Evan will bring even more healing and joy to our lives.  Even though this pregnancy has stirred up the feelings of sadness and pain, he has brought happiness and hope.  I'm so thankful for this little man who will live up to his name.  He will show us that God truly is gracious.

Evan's name

It has been entirely too long since I've written on here.  Not a single day goes by without me thinking of Lillian, she is very much a big part of our lives.  I tell her every single day that I love her and miss her.  It's difficult to describe the love you have for a person that you've never met.  I'm sure some people think I talk about her too much or should be "over" it a little more by now but that will never be the case.  I will never be over it and I will never stop talking about her.  She has made me the person I am today and has brought us so many blessings, including her little brother.  I've said it before and I will tell him when he's older,  if it weren't for her, he wouldn't be with us right now.

 I have been bumping right along in my pregnancy (pun intended).  Evan should be right around a pound right now and has been practicing his karate on a daily basis.  It's such a nice time in pregnancy because I can feel him multiple times throughout the day and it's reassuring that he's still doing well and growing nice and strong.  In fact, as I'm typing he just kicked me and my belly just moved.  I love this little man so much already.  I have to admit that as I was entering the stage of him moving, it was emotional.  It brought back all those times Lillian would move around and do flips in my tummy.  It stirred up emotions in me that included sadness, fear, anxiety, and joy.  It is a very confusing time to be pregnant after a stillbirth.  Even though I'm "in the clear" at 23 weeks, Brian and I know better, there's no such thing.  We do what we can and are getting through it alright.  We pray for his health and safety every day.  We talk to him and let him know how much he's loved and how we can't wait until he's here (which is the understatement of the century).

Many people have commented on us already having names picked out already for this baby.  If you remember, we didn't have Lillian's name picked out until after we found out that she passed away.  It was my gut that just didn't feel right giving her a name.  Later, I realized it was because God had a name picked out for her, it just wasn't given to us.  All I knew at the time is that it didn't feel right.  So, we had a wonderful story about how we came about her name but this time, it seemed like there wasn't as much "divine intervention" involved.  Boy was I wrong.

Brian and I had discussed baby names one day.  If I remember right it was even before we were expecting this one.  We (well maybe it's more "I") decided that it would be neat if all of our kids' names ended with an "n".  So no one is left out.  We came across a girl's name pretty quickly and we both agreed on it.  I had to look through a few boys' names before I found the one that we chose, Evan.  It means, "God is gracious."  I thought that was very fitting.  We agreed on the middle name, "Scott" since both my dad and father in law have that as their middle name.  Honestly, I didn't think we'd need this name yet since I was convinced this baby was a girl.  It was a HUGE surprise when we had our ultrasound and there was our little Evan who so obviously was NOT a girl!  (oops!)  So, at our gender reveal party, we announced that we were having a boy and his name is Evan.  Everyone was so happy and grateful to hear we had a healthy baby boy on the way.

A little backstory...I blogged about my uncle here, a while back.  Reread the post if you need a refresher.  He was a great man that passed away last October.  He is dearly missed but we are assured is in Heaven with our little ladybug angel and many others who are awaiting our arrival.

Okay, back to the story.  It took me a good two weeks before it dawned on me that Evan's name was practically my uncle's last name.  Duh!  This pregnancy brain is hard to keep running sometimes.  I realized it in a passing thought one day and made a mental note to message my aunt sometime about it.  Well, it took me a while later when I was at my parent's house to realize that Evan is due mid-October, which is the same time that my uncle passed away last year.  That was such an obvious correlation that I couldn't ignore.  God was giving our family a gift of life in honor of one we lost.  I sent my aunt a message on Father's Day to let her know I was thinking about their family.  I wanted to encourage her some so I decided to let her in on my realization behind our son's name.  I told her that I believe that Evan was a gift for our family to show us that even in the darkest hour, God will conquer all.  He is with us and has His hand over all of us.  I told her that I believe that God gave us the name "Evan" in honor of my uncle and that he was due the same time that my uncle went to be with the Lord.  She replied that she was tearing up because she felt like God had spoken to her before we even knew the gender of our baby.  She thought that God was telling her that our little bumblebee was a boy, and get this, would have Billy's name!  I couldn't believe what I was reading!  I was choking up and tears were streaming down my face.  We both received the same message, but at different times.  I didn't discuss it with her till at least a month later but we both had the same reassurance.  It just reaffirmed it for both of us, though.  God is great and I cannot begin to fathom how much he loves us.  His plan always has me guessing, but he's always faithful.

Bumblebee...... BOY!

A few weeks ago I had my appointment with our 18 week ultrasound.  I was so ready to know if we had another little girl joining our family or if I would break the 4 generation streak of all girls with the first boy.  We learned that we are, in fact, breaking records.  Bumblebee is a healthy little boy!

The day of our appointment was surprisingly uneventful.  I was of course so ready to find out but it hadn't quite hit me that we were going that day.  I've said it before, but we take life as it comes.  The morning of our appointment, I went about my work like normal and didn't think about it too much.  That all changed once it was time to leave and go to my doctor's.  I walked out the door and I called Brian.  I was so giddy!!  In less than an hour, we'd know!  Brian met me at home so we could ride together and he was just as psyched.  We had a nice, talkative drive up to the doctor's office and we could barely contain our excitement.  I checked in a little early and within about 15 minutes, our favorite ultrasound tech poked her head around the corner and called my name!  I hopped out of my seat and followed her to the back.  She asked, "So, are we finding out the sex today?"  In which I eagerly responded, "YES!"  I told her that we had a party planned right afterwards so I hoped baby would cooperate.  She told us that she wouldn't let us leave without finding out, especially since we've got a party waiting for us at home.  

We went into the dark little room which houses a reclining bed, a fancy computer, a big t.v. and some chairs.   I assumed my position and anxiously waited for her to squirt the warm goo on my tummy.  As soon as she put the wand down, it was in the PERFECT position to see the goods.  She said, "Oh, I think we're going to be able to find out right now actually!"  YAYAYAYAYAY, the moment I've been waiting for!  So, she moved it around a little bit and got a good angle and she didn't even have to say anything, we could see plain as day.  The first thing that popped out of my mouth was, "Oh my gosh... That's a thing!!"  She laughed at me and said, "Yup, it's a little boy!"  I was in complete shock.  Like, seriously, utter shock.  I was sure that it was a little girl and called him a "she" up unto that point.  Sorry little guy!  Brian just laughed at me.  All that ran through my head was how much shopping I needed to do.  We have everything pink at our house.  Our little boy couldn't wear any of Lillian's clothes.  So much shopping to do!

Our little son was so precious.  After seeing the "goods", we saw his heartbeat and feet and of course his sweet little face.  He was all curled up and didn't want to show us much more than that.  She couldn't get all the measurements that she needed because he was so shy.  At one point, the tech said, "Uhh, how's your bladder?"  I said, "I need to pee!!"  They told me to come in with a full bladder but I guess I was an overachiever because it was blocking the view to his face.  She let me go empty my bladder in hopes that we'd be able to see him better.  When I came back, we couldn't see him a whole lot better.  We got some good pictures and since I'll have more ultrasounds later, they can get those measurements later on.  

All the sudden, I remembered about the little blood collection.  I asked her about it and if the blood was still there.  She said that it was gone and that it must have dissolved.  Praise God!! I knew it wasn't anything to worry about but it sure felt good to hear that it was gone.  I walked out of that appointment with Brian holding one hand and the pictures of our son in the other.  I probably still had a look of shock on my face but all that mattered was that our little baby was healthy.  I was such a happy momma!

The little hand is pointing right to his little parts.

Evan means "God is gracious"

Scott is my dad's and father in law's middle name

My favorite pic!

I can't wait to kiss these little toes

 Now, here's a super cool story.  My gma cut this out of the paper and saved it for me.  I thought it was cute and I hung it up on my fridge.  The pic says "Mommy, is this a ladybug or a gentlemanbug?"  I didn't notice until I was looking at it yesterday that the date was the same exact day we found out the sex of Bumblebee.  Lillian sent this to us without a doubt!

Oh, how He loves us so.

I've been meaning to post this story for a while now, but life is taking off without me.  A quick update: We're at 17 weeks this week and I'm feeling pretty good still.  I have started experiencing the same back pain I had with Lillian, that is not pleasant.  I have many uncomfortable symptoms showing up more and more lately but I don't mind one bit.  Whatever it takes to get this baby here healthy and happy in October, I'll do it.
Okay, now for the real story.  It all started a few weeks ago when I attended a women's night out at our church.  The fact that I was even at the event was a little surprising, considering I wasn't able to attend the original date.  Brian and I had Lillian's memorial day on the original date that the women's night was scheduled.  There was a conflict in the scheduling so after I declined an invite to the dinner, I was happy to learn that the night was rescheduled to a later date.  I bought a ticket at one of the tables and showed up ready for a night out of the house.  The guest speaker was great, such a sweet woman of God and her story was so touching.  I enjoyed having some "girl time", eating a delicious dinner, and listening to a very powerful testimony, but little did I know that God had something big planned for that night.

As I listened to this woman pour her heart out and share her personal life with a bunch of strangers, I couldn't help but feel a connection.  She spoke about her background, family, and trials throughout her life.  Then, she mentioned her career.  She pointed over to some beautifully painted portraits and said that she is an artist.  There was this little moment of clarity in my head.  It was as if there was some sort of light bulb as I had the sudden realization that I was supposed to be there tonight.
A little back story...
Last year, after we had Lillian, I had a passing thought that someday I may have someone paint a picture of her for us.  We have photographs of her but those pictures aren't who she is.  Those photos captured the remnants of her soul and being after she left this earth.  Even when I look at those pictures today, the first thought that enters my head is, "That's not my daughter."  No, I'm not in denial.  I've seen my daughter and how she is now.  She is beautiful, happy, and perfect.  These images of her body after she's passed are not who she is.  The same reason we didn't spend much time visiting her when I delivered her is the same reason we choose not to share her pictures with everyone.  It isn't her and it's not how I want her remembered.  But, if we could have someone try to paint her, that would be different!  I would proudly display that in my home and show it off to anyone and everyone who would pay attention.  The problem was, if I were to want someone to paint her, I'd have to request that.  And how do you ask a complete stranger to look at a picture of your baby who's passed away and try to paint them as if they're alive?  That would be a little bit of an oddball request.  Not to mention, I would have to completely trust whomever we asked because this is our daughter.  I wouldn't blame someone for denying the request since it would be extremely difficult to fulfill such a task.  So, last year I let that passing thought go since there would be a whole mess emotions wound up in this idea.  Okay... fast forward back to women's night.
So, this little voice in my head reminded me of my passing thought of a year ago about having a portrait of our little angel and the same voice was saying, "This is her.  This is who you need to talk to."   I've learned to listen to the little voice, my daughter has helped me realize that there are some things in life that you can't deny.  This voice is one of them.  I was a little hesitant, only because of the fact that if I were to go up and talk to her afterwards, I was going to be a mess.  I knew I'd start bawling at her and seem like a crazy lady.  I still had a little time before I had to worry about that though, she was still speaking and there were a few door prizes on the table to give away.
Speaking of the door prizes, there was another little miracle in the making. There were roughly 100-150 women there that night and maybe about 20 door prizes to give away.  Everyone in the room bought one ticket to attend the dinner and all those tickets were in a basket.  The names were being picked from that basket to determine who the lucky winners were.  There were about 10 prizes left by the end of the night and I saw one gift bag that contained a Scentsy wax warmer and a little stuffed duck inside it.  When I saw that bag, the same voice I "heard" earlier said, "That's for you."  It's hard to describe but I wasn't praying or wishing for the prize, I just knew it was mine.  It was just fact.  (Sorry if I seem a little crazy, God works in supernatural ways and sometimes when you try to explain it, it's borderline crazy :P)  So, I continued listening and visiting and low and behold, at the end of the night, they called my name for that gift bag.  It was so awesome but yet it wasn't surprising since I already "knew" it was mine.  When my name was called, it was another confirmation that I needed to talk to this woman.  The little feeling I got telling me about the door prize, was also telling me to go talk to her after she's done.
The night came to a close and anyone was invited to stick around and visit.  *Sigh* This is my chance, I don't know what I'm going to say but I do know that there will be tears involved, but oh well.  Here goes nothing.  I put my gift bag in my seat and went and found a pen so I could exchange emails with her.  I waited in line for a few minutes and was trying to think of what to say when she turned to me and smiled.  I introduced myself and thanked her for sharing her story.  I then asked if we could exchange emails since I had a request for her.  I started trying to tell my story in the shortest way possible but I didn't get very far into it before the tears came.  I felt so overwhelmed with emotion after realizing all of the things that had to come together for our paths to cross.  This predicament couldn't be better.  I have a christian woman who has faced trials and loss in her life and who's also an artist.  Who better could God have chosen than her?  I tried my best to explain my request and still seem sane.  I'm not sure how much sense I was making at that point.  I must have put a few coherent thoughts together because after a quick prayer, hugs, and exchanged emails, I made my way back to my seat.  I tried to gather my stuff up as quick as possible and get to the car.  I knew I was going to lose it when I got there but I had to get there first.
I called Brian when I got into my car and started bawling all over again.  I tried to do my best to explain the situation but as he told me later, he "was not mentally prepared for that phone call."  Haha!  I love my man.  In the midst of our chaotic life, he still makes me laugh.  On my way home, I talked to him and recalled the night's events.  I told him about the speaker, her story, her being an artist, the gift bag, and the whole night.  I pulled into the drive and got off the phone.  I grabbed my gift bag and for the first time really looked at it.  The warmer that was in there was called "Valentine"  Oh wow!! We found out that we were expecting this baby a few days before Valentine's day and made our "official" announcement to the public on Valentine's day.  That's awesome!  I told everyone that we found out around Valentine's day and I'm due around my birthday.  This baby is the perfect gift for both!  So, if I hadn't had enough at that point, I read the little card tied on to the bag.  It read: "I'm sending this angel to watch over you in times of great trouble or stress, to wrap it's wings around you and whisper these words with the love of a friend- You Are Blessed"
You guys, I totally lost it.  Ugly cry!!  I came in the door and Brian was doing his best to calm down his hysteric, pregnant wife.  I was trying to tell him about the little card but he was trying to tell me to lay down and take it easy.  I was saying, "Noooo, you have to read this!  It's from Lillian!"  Poor guy.  He took the gift bag from me and was trying to do anything to calm my psychotic self.  That whole night was just overwhelming.  I couldn't fathom all of the things that God had to put into motion for all this to happen.  All of this was for me.  The only way I can explain it is overwhelming.
If all of that wasn't enough, I learned that this was the first time that our wonderful speaker has spoken publicly about her story in 5 years.  Thankfully, she obeyed the calling she had to do this event and I was able to attend.   And still, even more incredible, I realized later that this door prize wasn't originally intended to be a door prize.  I recognized it from the last event that Brian and I attended at the church.  It was at the silent auction that we were at a few weeks prior and it just so happened that no one purchased it.  That little duck was supposed to be for Bumblebee and this gift basket was for me.  I love love love it!

It's hard to believe that had this night not been rescheduled, I would have missed this all.  Now can you see why I was so overwhelmed by God's greatness?  His love is wonderful and even in my flaws and imperfections, He loves me and goes to great lengths to show it.

Lillian's Memorial Party

A couple weeks ago, we had the memorial party for Lillian.  I wish I could have had a huge celebration with anyone who wanted to be there but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.  My emotions were a little touchy these days and I didn't want a big group of people when I didn't know how the day would go.  We opted instead for our close family to come over for lunch and to plant some flowers.  It was a sweet day.  The weather couldn't have been more perfect.  The cake turned out better than I could have pictured and the flowers were exactly what we wanted.  There were ladybugs everywhere.  I ordered a container of live ladybugs and had planned for the release after the garden was finished but little did I know that Lillian had already sent us some.  The container of ladybugs was left inside while we went out to do some work.  All over the backyard everyone was finding ladybugs.  They were just crawling all over the yard.  We were walking around and it was as if they were swarming our backyard.  It was so perfect.  I haven't seen any ladybugs in the yard since that day.  Of course we still did our release of the container of ladybugs later on.  That was almost magical.  We all held out our hands and poured some ladybugs into them.  They crawled around for a bit and then when they flew off, they just went up and away.  It was almost as if they went straight to Heaven.  The day was perfect.  Everyone was so helpful and the garden looks so nice.  The weather was so nice out and allowed for us to comfortably celebrate and remember our daughter.

Our perfect cake

We ordered fresh flowers to match the arrangement on her  casket

Everyone getting started

Maybe this was a break :)

Ladybug release

Mom, Dad, and a ladybug.

Part of the finished garden

We later added mulch to finish up

Although this was a perfect day, it was not how I envisioned my little girl's first birthday party.  I remember even thinking about having her first birthday when I was pregnant with her.  I wish more than anything that this party could have been different.  I wish we were all surrounding a high chair watching a blue-eyed, brown-haired little girl making a mess of her cake and trying to figure out how to rip open presents.  Those were my dreams for her.  Life doesn't always go how we plan.  We've learned to accept things how they come and rely on God to get us through.  This horrible tragedy could have broke me, my husband, and our marriage.  We didn't let that happen though.  It did break our hearts, maybe even our spirit, but we didn't let it break our faith.  God has worked great things from Lillian's life, and still continues to do so.  This new baby wouldn't be here if it weren't for Lillian.  I will always hold that close to my heart.  Even though life doesn't go how you have "planned" it to, God is still right there.  He is working in our lives in more ways than we know.

Little Miracles

Pregnancy has still been treating me well.  Everything is going really smoothly and I couldn't ask for anything more.  Today marks 12 weeks which is also the end of the first trimester, a wonderful milestone to hit for sure. Every little step of the way, we will be celebrating these little accomplishments.  I know that God has his hand over this baby and He provides us peace especially when we need it the most.

Physically I've been doing well but emotionally it's been a little draining.  When Lillian passed away, we first had to learn to cope with it and make any sense that we could.  Then after a while, reality had set in and and we accepted our new norm.  Our baby was in Heaven and we would think of her often but we were far enough away from the situation that reality didn't sting as much.  Well now, ever since we've found out we're expecting, it's been a daily reminder of our last pregnancy.  It's hard to describe, but every little thing is a reminder of Lillian and how she was here once.  Every time Brian leans down to talk to baby, it throws me back in time to when he did that with Lillian.  When he reads Bumblebee books every night, I think about the books we used to read to her.  When I subconsciously lay my hand on my tummy, I'm taken back to Lillian's kicks and punches.  Everything reminds me of her.  Every. Single. Thing. 

Most of the time, it's nice.  I like to remember her and think of her.  Especially since I know she is aware of it.  Too many times I've thought, "I wonder if Lillian is with me?  Even here?"  And every time, she'll let me know that she's there!  Most of the time it's wonderful, sometimes it's heartbreaking.  I miss her.  I wish I could have her here.  When I'm having a hard day, I can experience emotions as if it just happened.  It's bizarre how easy I can be back in that place of devastation.  A loss is not something you "get over", you just learn how to deal with it.  A combination of the daily reminders from this pregnancy, my hormones, and the anniversary of her death approaching has been tough on me.  One day last week I remember telling Lillian, "I  love you Lillian." and then blew her a kiss.  "I wish I could give you real kisses.  Every time I kiss baby, I will be sending you one too."  

A few nights after saying that was one of my "rough nights".  All of the emotions that I've experienced with her loss came flooding back to me.  It was sadness on top of anxiety on top of grief on top of worry.  It was not pretty.  All these thoughts entered my head.  Literally what went through my mind was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions and I was just beat.  All the thoughts put together looked like this: "I miss my daughter, I want her back, I wish I could have saved her, I just want her back, What if this baby isn't okay, What if we can't find a heartbeat, How am I supposed to make it through the rest of this pregnancy, I can't do this!!!"   All of these things were going through my mind but it wasn't that organized.  It was more like they hit me all at once and I was a wreck.  Brian just holds me when I get like that.  He is everything I could ever ask for and never knew I would need.  I am showing you the honest and true side of grief because I don't want people to think it's ever easy.  It's okay to be distraught and devastated.  I could never imagine that this would be our life and that we would face such big obstacles.  Now that I'm here, I want to do my part to influence others in a positive light.  I AM okay only because of God's love.  Without the reassurance of His presence and the fact that she's in His care, I would not be okay.  I wouldn't even come close.  So, onto the point of this story.  You didn't think I was just gonna write this depressing post and leave it at that did you?  No, I wouldn't do that.  That isn't the way God works.  He conquers all in the end and this story has a happy ending.

So, just like every other meltdown, Brian says a prayer over us.  We always ask for the peace that covers us and helps us get through life.  When I went to bed that night, I was exhausted and had no problems falling asleep.  When I woke up the next morning, I didn't want to open my eyes.  I closed my eyes and was trying so hard to relive my dream and see every detail that I could.  My dream was wonderful.  It was sweet and everything I needed... In my dream, I was in my bed and I was holding Lillian.  She was the age she would be right now (almost 1).  She was the spitting image of me!  I remember thinking that I have to show everyone her picture because she looks just like I did when I was little.  I had her in my arms and facing me and she was just grinning at me.  I knew in my dream that she recognized who I was.  She knew I was her mommy.  Such a happy baby and I was squeezing her so tight.  Now, here's the reason I woke up with tears in my eyes... I was kissing her.  I kissed her cheeks and her face and I'd pull back and look at her face and see her smile.  Then I'd do it again.  She just looked at me and was so joyful.  I kissed her and kissed her and kissed her.  That was it.  That was all I needed.  It wasn't just a dream, it was a vision God gave me because I desperately needed it.  I needed to know my daughter was alright.  Awesome story right?  It's not over!  The next day was the first time I felt Bumblebee move and KNOW without a doubt that it was baby.  BOTH of my babies, in their own way, let me know that they are okay.  I needed that so much.  God knows our hearts and our pain.  He also knows better than we do.  I trust that He will provide everything we ever need and more.  He knew that I needed my little miracles to reassure me in their own little way.

1st appt

I scheduled my first doctor's appointment to be at 10 weeks.  My doctor offered for me to come in asap so I could check my blood work and hormone levels but I declined.  No matter if I were to see the heartbeat right away, or if my numbers were good, it wouldn't give me peace of mind.  I decided to wait until 10 weeks along, like normal.  I want this pregnancy to be as normal as possible.  I asked my doctor if it were alright that we wait until I was 10 weeks along like last time and she was completely comfortable with that.  Our appointment was March 20th at 9:00 a.m.  I was not really worried or thinking about it ahead of time, but the day of was a different story.  I don't know if you remember me mentioning it but we always take our lives a day at a time.  Never worry about anything until the time has come.  This was a perfect example because as soon as I woke up, it was as if a switch flipped and I was a bundle of nerves.  I didn't sleep well that night and even dreamed about it.  I was so nervous that morning and wanted nothing but wonderful news from our appointment.  Brian decided to take the morning off from work so he could join me.  He kept reminding me that everything was going to be fine and that we were going to get to see our baby today!  That held me over for the ride up to the doctor's office.

It was finally time for our appt and we checked in a little early.  The receptionist made sure that all of our information was the same and said that we had a copay.  I pulled out my card and handed it over.  She said, "This appointment will be the only one you have to pay for.  When you come back, you won't have any charge."
I had already knew this info but the fact that she was mentioning us coming back, made me so happy.  When I took a seat beside Brian, I was so happy.  Here, at the doctor's office, the norm is a healthy pregnancy which results in a lot of visits to check up on the little one.  At home in our little bubble, it's harder to be so optimistic.  There are so many things that can go wrong and it's hard to focus on being positive.  So, when the receptionist said that simple statement, it was as if I was given permission to expect to keep returning.  I was sitting in the waiting room grinning.  I think I knew that this was the beginning of a wonderful day.
I got called back almost right away and was glad to see my wonderful nurse again.  It's nice to have everyone know your background so you don't have to get everyone up to date.  I just wanted to focus on this little one today.  She took us back to our room and took my weight, blood pressure, and asked a few questions.  She let us know that our doctor would be in soon to talk to us before we did any testing.

After a few minutes, Dr. S came in and was all smiles.  She was soooo happy for us and the first thing she told us was congratulations.  Prior to the appointment, I was worried she may feel a little nervous about us not waiting a whole year before getting pregnant again.  But the second she walked in, all my fears were gone.  She was completely confident that we would be just fine.  I asked her a couple questions, one including us trying for a natural labor instead of another cesarean.  She was completely okay with that as long as everything was going smoothly and my body and baby cooperated.  I was so thrilled to hear that!  I really don't want another cesarean.  Then, after a little discussion, she mentioned what our appointment would entail that day.  I was crossing my fingers hoping that she would let me have an ultrasound that day.  She listed off all of the tests that we'd need, then she'd listen to the heartbeat with the doppler, and then she also wanted an ultrasound to be able to have a reference to look back on to track everything.  YES!  When she mentioned the ultrasound, she was a little wary and was maybe thinking that we would not want it.  I piped up, "I was hoping you'd say that!  We REALLY want to see the heartbeat."  She was very glad to see that we were all on the same page and said, "I'll go see if she's free right now"
Dr. S left the room and went to talk to the ultrasound tech.   The last time the tech saw us, was the worst time of our lives.  I'm sure that was an awful day for her too.  She was expecting too and was due 3 days before me.
Brian and I were goofily smiling at each other waiting for a knock on the door.  Any moment now, we'd see our little baby up on the screen, but more importantly, the heartbeat.  Our wonderful ultrasound tech knocked on our door and asked if we were ready.  YES!!! Let's run!! She was also so happy to see us.  She remembered us and was very excited for our wonderful news.  Brian asked how her baby was and she said that she was keeping them busy.  I think I hopped up onto the chair before anyone else sat down.  Hurry up, people!  She squirted the warm goo on my tummy and put the wand on my tummy.  There it is.  Our baby.  She had to zoom in because baby's only as big as a grape right now.  As soon as she zoomed in, I saw it.  The little pulse in the center of our Bumblebee.  Our little miracle.  I was in heaven.  I don't care about any other testing I have to do, I'll do whatever I need to.  Now that I know that this little one is safe and comfortable, it changes my whole world.  Bumblebee was laying on his/her side and started wiggling almost as if trying to snuggle in tight.  Soooo sweet.  My heart just melted for this little one.  She monitored the heart rate and it was about 183, which is perfectly normal.  Baby measured at 9 weeks 4 days which is pretty darn close to the calculation I had at 9 weeks 3 days.  Everything looks perfect!  We got the print outs of our ultrasound which I will treasure forever.  I looked over at Brian and he was all grin.  This was exactly what we wanted and needed.

Baby's head on left and baby is facing us.  You can see the arm buds and leg buds are tucked  in.

We headed back to the room for the routine tests and check up.  I was visiting with my doctor some and told her that I wanted to be safe and take her advice at having a year between pregnancies but I just couldn't wait anymore.  She told us not to be worried at all.  She didn't blame us at all and that we did everything perfect.  That made me feel so good!  She was perfectly fine with the time between pregnancies and was confident that we would be alright.  That ended the rest of my anxieties.  The last thing she wanted to do before we left was hear the heartbeat on the doppler.  She put the goo on my tummy and moved the wand around and around. She pushed on me and tried over and over but had no luck.  She literally tried for about 5 minutes.  I told her that I was glad we didn't try the doppler first because I would have had a heart attack.  She kept saying, "I know you're in there"  but still had no luck.  Finally, after a battle of who could be more stubborn, baby won out.  Dr. S said, "Okay, baby wins this one!"  She turned off the machine and told us that we could go back to the ultrasound and see the heartbeat so we wouldn't be worried.  We went back to the room again and saw that baby had basically done a flip.  We could now see the profile of baby's little noggin and the little arm and leg buds.  We got more pictures since we could see a different angle a little better.  Our tech told us that if we ever had any worries or just wanted to see the baby, to just call.  She would fit us in to give us peace of mind.  She is so sweet and it made me feel good to have all these people behind us and keeping this baby safe.

By this time, baby has completely switched directions and the head is on the right.  You can see arms and legs and cord in this picture.

After some blood work, I think I skipped out of there.  Brian and I were hand in hand with big grins.  He took me out to breakfast and said, "I don't want to go to work, I want to spend the day with you and baby." I told him, "Then don't!"  He called into work to see if they would be okay without him for the day and they said that it was fine.  Yay!  We later went to Barnes and Noble to get a pregnancy journal to write all of our special stuff down for this little one.  When we walked in, I saw the children's section and had another thought.  We needed a book for Bumblebee!  Brian's main connection with Lillian was to talk to her and read to her.  It is hard for daddies to be involved when they can't see or hold the baby.  Brian's way to stay close to our little ones from early on is to read.  I took his hand and walked back to the children's section.  The VERY first book I saw out on display was called "Little Bee"  Perfect!

We picked it up and kept looking.  I found a pregnancy journal and a baby book.  The baby book has both bees and ladybugs in it.  Very fitting :)  After a little browsing, we purchased our books and went home.  This was a wonderful beginning to a new chapter in our lives.