This is going to be a long post because I don't want to drag this part of the story out. It's a little painful to recall all of these memories and I'd rather do it all in one sitting. Today I'm writing about meeting our little girl. Some details are disheartening and overwhelming so if you're sensitive to it, you may want to skip today's post. I wrote with great care, love, and respect for our daughter so it is not gruesome but the subject matter is just so darn sad.
Most would think that the day you give birth to your lifeless child would be the worst day of your life. For us, this isn't the case. Even though I didn't know how to face the intense happenings of the day, I knew it was not going to be a sad day.
We found out on Monday, April 9 that our baby had passed away and decided to go home that night and have her the next day. I'm so glad we did that. At the time I just needed to be home. I remember thinking and saying over and over, "I just need to go home." Brian was reassuring me and stayed by my side that whole night. I knew I had to call our family. I asked Brian how we were going to make those phone calls and break everyone's hearts. This little girl is so loved. I didn't want to have to call each and every person that she means so much to and break their heart. I called my mom first. She knew I was at my doctor's appointment and that I had thought something was wrong and I knew she would be worried when I hadn't called her right after the appointment. I called and told her, then my dad, then my sisters. They were out shopping for my baby shower and to hear them go from happiness to disbelief is so disheartening. I just told everyone to come over. I needed my family to be there. Brian called his parents and his brother. Everyone had the same reaction, they dropped what they were doing and came straight over. We all hugged and cried and hugged some more. My mother and mother-in-law graciously went to buy our precious baby girl a dress and grabbed some dinner for everyone there. I couldn't eat anything though. At my appointment earlier, my doctor had said that the baby was in breech position and would probably need to be delivered via c section. Since there was a possibility of a cesarean, she said not to eat or drink after midnight. That was really no problem since I had literally no appetite. I forced myself to eat half of a roll. We packed a hospital bag not knowing what to expect, we just dumped a bunch of stuff in there. I didn't know if I would have to try to go through labor for a little bit or if I would just go straight to surgery. All of my "birth plans" went out the window. Nothing I had planned for or on was going to happen. I didn't care anymore about a natural delivery. Everything that I was preparing for was so I could do the best thing possible for my baby. Unfortunately, none of this was necessary. I probably slept less than an hour that night. All night long I thought about what would happen the next day, how we would face it, and how that was the last time I'd get to spend with my little baby in my tummy.(I'm sorry, this is such a depressing post)
My wonderful mom wouldn't leave our house and camped out on the couch. She drove us to the hospital first thing in the morning. I probably looked pathetic. I walked into the maternity ward with bags under my eyes and a broken heart. My whole family was sitting in the waiting room. I had such love and support there with me. Brian and I had decided that this wasn't going to be a sad day. This was the day we were to meet our firstborn child and I would not remember it being an awful day. After I checked in, my nurse came to get me. She introduced herself as Janice. She was an angel, I'm sure of it. I followed her to my room and she was just so wonderful. She made me feel comfortable and was so reassuring. She had such a way with people. Somehow she even made those stupid annoying questions about your whole life history non-invasive. She spent the whole day with us and I don't know how I would have got through the day without her. They gave my family a whole other maternity room so they didn't have to wait with the other happy hopeful family members who would soon go meet their living babies. My doctor came around sometime
that morning to check on me and see Lillian's positioning. She was still sideways and her shoulder was facing down so even if labor was induced, she wouldn't be able to be in position for delivery. So, the final decision was made that she would be born by cesarean. After getting my blood drawn TWICE (they lost the first set, go figure!), a failed iv attempt, a successful iv, and some nasty chalky drink, I was prepped for surgery. I was supposed to go in as soon as my blood work came back but that is of course on hospital time so it took a little longer than expected. My family gave me hugs and said that they'd be here afterwards. They told me that they were praying for us. I told them not to be sad because this wasn't a day for it. I never cried that day. I didn't want to. There was plenty of time for that later but today was not the time. So, Brian geared up and off we went to surgery. I remember feeling a sense of peace that whole day. God was with us in the operating room. We weren't overwhelmed with everything that was going on. We were just there, and God was with us. I had to get my spinal/epidural and that was a breeze. They laid me back down and started the surgery. It was a bizarre feeling because although I wasn't in any pain, I could still feel them pushing around on my stomach. I had watched plenty of baby shows to know what to expect in a c section and about how long it would take. Leave it up to my daughter to be stubborn, because even in delivery she wouldn't come out! She was wedged in tight. I remember hearing my doctor and her assistant discussing the easiest way to get her out. It took a lot of maneuvering but they finally delivered her. I was saddened by the fact that I had to ask if she was out or not because of the lack of crying in the room. She was 4 pounds 6.5 ounces and 19.5 inches long born at 11:00 am. We decided to wait until the surgery was over before we held her. My nurse had warned us that she would look a little different than a typical living baby. We wanted to get through one thing at a time and would meet her in a little bit. I remember just looking at Brian as he sat by my head and in one hand held my face and in the other, he held my hand. We were clinging so tightly and I felt the most comfort as I laid my cheek in his hand. That's all I needed. He sat there beside me through the whole thing. I remember one of the nurses telling him at the beginning, "Brian, if you need to leave at any time, just walk around here and go through these doors." He replied a little too harshly, "I'm NOT leaving!" Haha, looking back on that it makes me giggle. He was so protective of me. He later told me that he wanted to tell my doctor, "She needs to be okay." He's expressed over and over that he just wanted me to get through it and be okay. Everything else, we could work through. My angel nurse, Janice, was holding our daughter. She talked about how beautiful she was and asked if we wanted to see her. We said that no, we would still wait until we got to our room. They finally finished sewing me up and the doctor left and the nurses were cleaning up the room and doing their final checks. I remember after they pulled the sheet down that was blocking my view and behind it was a rather large woman with her (dirty) scrubs still on. I looked up at her and said, "You're covered in me!" She laughed and said, "Yeah, that happens." I don't know why it didn't really bother me but it's kind of funny to look back on now. They cleaned me up and put me on my gurney to go back to the recovery room. I was so relieved for that to be over. Brian was too. He grabbed my foot as a loving gesture and then stated, "I don't know why I just did that. You can't feel your feet." I laughed and said, "You grabbed my foot?" We were wheeled back to our room and finally were ready to meet our baby.
Janice brought over our precious daughter wrapped up in a little blanket. She said, "I want to show you her perfect parts first. Here's her beautiful little hand and look at this cute little foot." Janice had told us that due to her passing a few days ago, her skin was very sensitive. Since it took so much work to deliver her, unfortunately, it had put her through quite a bit. Janice handed her too me and she felt so light. She was wrapped in her blanket and it was covering her mostly. I had held many babies in my life, but this was my baby. I remember feeling nothing. I wasn't sad, mad, happy, or anything. I think God was guarding my heart so I didn't have to face the harsh reality of what we were really going through at the moment. I removed the blanket from my daughter's face and saw the cutest little button nose that you've ever seen. Her hands and feet were perfect. She brown hair like me :) And, her lips. She has my lips! Thin lips that curve a little downward that me and my sister's all share. She was my daughter. I did see all of the unfortunate markings that the nurse was talking about. I try to describe it in the least harshest way possible because I have to protect my little girl's dignity. She looked somewhat as if she were a burn patient. Parts of her skin was peeling and I instantly knew that I didn't want anyone to see her like this, even Brian. I held her and wanted to protect her from the world. I covered her back up and I told Brian that her appearance is a little surprising. I wanted to protect him from seeing his little girl like that. But he said it was okay and that he wanted to hold her. I handed her over and watched as my husband got to hold her for a few minutes. I had wanted my family all to meet her and be able to say goodbye to her but after I saw her, I decided it was for the best not to do that. I didn't want anyone to see her like that and I definitely didn't want them to remember her like that. When I look back on that day, the hardest thing is that my family didn't get to see her. I wish they had been able to. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have made a different decision if I had it to do over again, I just wish she was a little more presentable. I wish we had a full term, screaming, living baby to introduce to our family. But we didn't. So, I had to make decisions accordingly. And, my husband and I's decision was to protect our daughter's dignity. We only had a short time to be her parents and we were going to make the best decisions possible. We held her some but we both knew that it wasn't her that we were holding. Our little girl was with the angels. We both decided that after about 20 minutes (I have no idea how long it actually was, time was so eluding) that we were ready to give her back. They had stated that there was a service that would take her pictures and send them off to an editor and we would receive the images free of charge. We were happy that they could do something that would be so meaningful. They asked if we wanted to be in the images but we politely declined. We really couldn't think of much more than getting by and recovering.
My nurse stayed with me throughout most of the day and was so wonderful to us. I remember telling her before I went into surgery when they were about to give me my epidural, "I'm sorry you have to go through stuff like this. Your job is supposed to be happy." She looked at me and said that she was happy to be there with me. I couldn't believe this woman. She was such a blessing and I knew from the beginning that she was also a Christian. She was the person who held my baby, told me how perfect she was, walked me through one of the hardest things of my life, and was happy to do it. I know God had answered everyone's prayers and sent this woman to us. She was such a blessing and I will always hold her in my heart. Throughout the day, we felt God's presence. I recall asking Brian the night before, "How are we going to go through this? How am I supposed to deliver her and how are we going to be strong enough to hold her?" Well, we didn't need to know how to do any of this. The answer was given simply from everyone's prayers. I'm not lying when I told each and every person after they stated, "We're praying for you." that I was so grateful for that. That was what we needed and meant so much to us. It got us through our entire day. It was an emotionally exhausting day but we could feel God's presence and know that He was holding us. His strength was all we needed.
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