Dads hurt too

Today, while scrolling through facebook, I came across this picture.  This poem definitely hit close to home and reminded me of how thankful I am to have such a wonderfully supportive husband.

 I cannot stress how much Brian has supported me and taken care of me.  Of course we loved each other and had a wonderful marriage before, but from the second we found out that our worst fears had came true, Brian has been by my side and hasn't left me since.  He stuck with me through my whole hospital experience, recovery, funeral, and all of my break downs.  If ever I showed any sign of needing some support, he was (and still is) right there without even being asked.  Sometimes, I forget that he hurts too.  When I read this poem, I knew I definitely wanted to share it to bring some light to my better half, and how wonderful he is :)

Lillian's great uncle

My family, Brian and I spent the weekend out of town for my uncle's funeral.  I couldn't believe that after us losing Lillian, and some other family members losing their precious twins along with a special person in their family, that now my uncle was, too, joining our heavenly family.  I can't help but wonder when this chaos will end. I desperately plea with God to please please keep our family safe. I can't imagine any of our family members feeling an ounce more grief or pain. It is reassuring that one day we will be reunited with all of these wonderful people, but until then, we will miss them dearly.

at the service...
After a very special ceremony for a very wonderful man, I stood next to Brian clutching his arm. I leaned into him and pictured what my uncle and Lillian and all of our other family members may be experiencing right now. I prayed for some sign from Lillian. I wanted to feel her close to me. Sometimes I feel selfish for asking for comfort over and over but I miss my baby! !  I started feeling saddened after thinking about where we were just 6 short months ago. We were the family sitting in the hard, uncomfortable chairs on the fake green grass carpet and under neath the tacky tent.  I hate that my cousins and aunt are having to do this right now and feel such deep pain.  I hate funerals...
We bowed our head in a closing prayer and then were dismissed. I turned around to take a little walk. It's a beautiful cemetery. There were many old headstones that had lots of character. I started walking back the way we came in and the FIRST head stone I saw was one that said "Lillian".  I had been expecting a ladybug but her name will most certainly do! My baby is always with me. I know she's in great hands and especially now so since her great uncle is with her.

Little project

I've been wanting to make a shadow box for Lillian for a while now but haven't had a chance to. So, since we were heading on a mission for some autumn flowers for her grave, I decided to see what Michaels had in the way of shadow boxes.
We picked out some pretty flower arrangements and a few packs of ladybug stickers (for my journal) and headed to the frame section.
When we got there, to my surprise, they were on sale for 40% off! Woo hooo!! We can't NOT get one!  So we picked out a nice  sized one and were on our way.
When we got home later, I sat down to work on it, I still wasn't sure what I wanted to include inside of it, so I braved the empty nursery where we keep all of our special things that we got from the hospital and the funeral home. I sat down and felt all the memories and emotions come flooding back.  I picked up some notes and read through them, mistake number one. I could start to feel the lump in my throat start to form. I read about how special our little girl was to everyone and how big of an impact she had on our family. It took me back to the time of it being so new and painful. Time has been doing wonders for us and has healed us tremendously but, reading this stuff and going through her things just took me all the way back as if it were yesterday. I opened yet box we got from the hospital, mistake number two. I pulled out her little dress, cap, and booties that she wore. By this time Brian was standing by, sensing this could get ugly quick. He's getting all too good at that. I couldn't hold it in any longer. Tears starting streaming down my face as the memories came pouring in. I never saw her in this dress but this is what she's wearing in all the pictures we have of her. I had brought a few things to the hospital with us, but since she was so little, the outfits wouldn't have fit her.  So we just let the bereavement staff choose what they had on hand. They later brought all of these treasures to us to cherish forever.
After seeing these sentimental items, I knew that I had to use them. All of the other things were what I had wanted to use with her and dreamed if dressing her in but these were actually hers. They are irreplaceable and therefore, need a special place rather than stuffed in a box.  I dried my tears and grabbed the pink knit cap, white booties, teddy bear, funeral program, and of course the white, hand-made dress she wore. Brian and I carefully pinned the items into the shadowbox, attached the back, and turned it over to look at it. Perfect.
We found an empty spot on the wall downstairs and hung it up. It makes me so happy to see it and I will think of her every time pass it. 

With me everywhere

So most of you already know that Brian and I went on a short trip to Austin this past weekend. Before we even left, I told Brian that this trip was for him and I wanted him to have a good time.  We were going to visit some of his good friends from college and even though they are great friends, I have approx zero in common with them. 
You know how they say opposites attract? Brian and I are the epitome of this old saying.  He is a very wonderful and caring husband but our commonalities stop after our relationship. I love him, he loves me, we share the same beliefs and morals in all the important areas but my idea of fun and his idea of fun are far from similar. It keeps life interesting! So that being said, we were on our way to hang out with a bunch of people who share his interests but I was happy to go along and keep myself entertained.  Plus, Brian took me to the Coach store so that never hurt anything :)
On our outings in Austin, we went to a comic book store, a video game store, and a store that had anything and everything a nerd could wish for... I say that from a place of love.  It was a great time for Brian and he found a few things he couldn't live without but I didn't need any  superhero memorabilia, dice, card games, or comic  books.  I was still wandering around and browsing. All the sudden, something jumped out at me in a bin full of finger puppets. Something red with black polka dots... I snatched it up and made a beeline for Brian. He saw my excitement as I placed it in his hands. "A ladybug!" He pulled out his wallet and went and paid for it. I was so excited, I didn't even check the price (very rare for me)!  We headed out the door and not 5 minutes later, my friend texted me that when she was reading a book to her son, there was a page with ladybugs. She sent me a picture of two big ladybugs. I just knew it wasn't a coincidence.  Those were my only 2 ladybugs I got over the weekend and they just "happened" to pop up within 5 minutes of each other. I live for these moments.

I haven't blogged in a while and I don't have anything really specific to talk about, I just kind of missed talking about Lillian.  Lately I've been trying to keep up with life and sometimes I'm on it's heels and sometimes I feel like I'm getting lapped.  I am still loving my job.  I cannot stress enough that I'm so thankful for this wonderful blessing.  I have a purpose right now and I'm happy to fulfill it.  I know that God is using me and my husband where we're at now and we are doing our best to follow that path.  That being said, not a day goes by that I don't still think of my baby girl.

I'm starting to think about the fact of her being in heaven now than the fact that we lost a child.  It's kind of hard to explain but it's a lot easier to think of Lillian as being in heaven and with Jesus than thinking of the aspect of having "lost a child."  One sense is thinking in the present and future, the other is thinking in the past.  The past is a lot more painful.  Occasionally my mind wanders back to our "old life" where we were blissfully awaiting a precious little one and then my thoughts end up at our current state of being without our little baby girl.  That's quite the doozy.  It's random and out of the blue sometimes.  I'll feel as if I'm in a healthy place and my heart is healed and then the next thing I know, I feel as if I've been reverted back to being utterly devastated.  It is not something I can ever put my finger on and say what specifically triggers these thoughts and emotions but it is so deep and painful.  We wouldn't have made it this far without your thoughts, encouragement, and prayers and I can't thank everyone enough.

We've almost made it to the 6 month mark and I will admit that although I've had my hard times, I've felt tremendous healing and progress.  I don't know how we've ended up at almost 6 months out right now.  It's hard to imagine what our lives would be like had our little girl gotten to stay with us.  It's almost to painful to try to think about.  We mainly focus on what's real and present.  There's no point in pondering the "could have" and "would have beens."  Brian and I find reassurance in the fact that we've survived nearly 6 months after the worst news of our life.  Six WHOLE months.  I know this doesn't seem like much to most but 6 months means everything to us.  They've been six months of tears, prayers, hugs, laughter, work, pain, progress, healing, and love.  We've worked so hard to get this far and will not give up now.

I've been journaling all my ladybug encounters in my pregnancy journal.  Lillian is still alive and working in our lives and I love seeing that.  I know that God is sending us affirmations to help us get through the days and remember our precious girl.  I plan on filling up the whole notebook with stories!

I miss my little girl more than words can express but I cannot stress enough that I am at peace that she is perfect and with our wonderful heavenly Father.  I know that when my day comes to go home, my perfect little girl will be waiting with open arms to welcome me.