1st appt

I scheduled my first doctor's appointment to be at 10 weeks.  My doctor offered for me to come in asap so I could check my blood work and hormone levels but I declined.  No matter if I were to see the heartbeat right away, or if my numbers were good, it wouldn't give me peace of mind.  I decided to wait until 10 weeks along, like normal.  I want this pregnancy to be as normal as possible.  I asked my doctor if it were alright that we wait until I was 10 weeks along like last time and she was completely comfortable with that.  Our appointment was March 20th at 9:00 a.m.  I was not really worried or thinking about it ahead of time, but the day of was a different story.  I don't know if you remember me mentioning it but we always take our lives a day at a time.  Never worry about anything until the time has come.  This was a perfect example because as soon as I woke up, it was as if a switch flipped and I was a bundle of nerves.  I didn't sleep well that night and even dreamed about it.  I was so nervous that morning and wanted nothing but wonderful news from our appointment.  Brian decided to take the morning off from work so he could join me.  He kept reminding me that everything was going to be fine and that we were going to get to see our baby today!  That held me over for the ride up to the doctor's office.

It was finally time for our appt and we checked in a little early.  The receptionist made sure that all of our information was the same and said that we had a copay.  I pulled out my card and handed it over.  She said, "This appointment will be the only one you have to pay for.  When you come back, you won't have any charge."
I had already knew this info but the fact that she was mentioning us coming back, made me so happy.  When I took a seat beside Brian, I was so happy.  Here, at the doctor's office, the norm is a healthy pregnancy which results in a lot of visits to check up on the little one.  At home in our little bubble, it's harder to be so optimistic.  There are so many things that can go wrong and it's hard to focus on being positive.  So, when the receptionist said that simple statement, it was as if I was given permission to expect to keep returning.  I was sitting in the waiting room grinning.  I think I knew that this was the beginning of a wonderful day.
I got called back almost right away and was glad to see my wonderful nurse again.  It's nice to have everyone know your background so you don't have to get everyone up to date.  I just wanted to focus on this little one today.  She took us back to our room and took my weight, blood pressure, and asked a few questions.  She let us know that our doctor would be in soon to talk to us before we did any testing.

After a few minutes, Dr. S came in and was all smiles.  She was soooo happy for us and the first thing she told us was congratulations.  Prior to the appointment, I was worried she may feel a little nervous about us not waiting a whole year before getting pregnant again.  But the second she walked in, all my fears were gone.  She was completely confident that we would be just fine.  I asked her a couple questions, one including us trying for a natural labor instead of another cesarean.  She was completely okay with that as long as everything was going smoothly and my body and baby cooperated.  I was so thrilled to hear that!  I really don't want another cesarean.  Then, after a little discussion, she mentioned what our appointment would entail that day.  I was crossing my fingers hoping that she would let me have an ultrasound that day.  She listed off all of the tests that we'd need, then she'd listen to the heartbeat with the doppler, and then she also wanted an ultrasound to be able to have a reference to look back on to track everything.  YES!  When she mentioned the ultrasound, she was a little wary and was maybe thinking that we would not want it.  I piped up, "I was hoping you'd say that!  We REALLY want to see the heartbeat."  She was very glad to see that we were all on the same page and said, "I'll go see if she's free right now"
Dr. S left the room and went to talk to the ultrasound tech.   The last time the tech saw us, was the worst time of our lives.  I'm sure that was an awful day for her too.  She was expecting too and was due 3 days before me.
Brian and I were goofily smiling at each other waiting for a knock on the door.  Any moment now, we'd see our little baby up on the screen, but more importantly, the heartbeat.  Our wonderful ultrasound tech knocked on our door and asked if we were ready.  YES!!! Let's run!! She was also so happy to see us.  She remembered us and was very excited for our wonderful news.  Brian asked how her baby was and she said that she was keeping them busy.  I think I hopped up onto the chair before anyone else sat down.  Hurry up, people!  She squirted the warm goo on my tummy and put the wand on my tummy.  There it is.  Our baby.  She had to zoom in because baby's only as big as a grape right now.  As soon as she zoomed in, I saw it.  The little pulse in the center of our Bumblebee.  Our little miracle.  I was in heaven.  I don't care about any other testing I have to do, I'll do whatever I need to.  Now that I know that this little one is safe and comfortable, it changes my whole world.  Bumblebee was laying on his/her side and started wiggling almost as if trying to snuggle in tight.  Soooo sweet.  My heart just melted for this little one.  She monitored the heart rate and it was about 183, which is perfectly normal.  Baby measured at 9 weeks 4 days which is pretty darn close to the calculation I had at 9 weeks 3 days.  Everything looks perfect!  We got the print outs of our ultrasound which I will treasure forever.  I looked over at Brian and he was all grin.  This was exactly what we wanted and needed.

Baby's head on left and baby is facing us.  You can see the arm buds and leg buds are tucked  in.

We headed back to the room for the routine tests and check up.  I was visiting with my doctor some and told her that I wanted to be safe and take her advice at having a year between pregnancies but I just couldn't wait anymore.  She told us not to be worried at all.  She didn't blame us at all and that we did everything perfect.  That made me feel so good!  She was perfectly fine with the time between pregnancies and was confident that we would be alright.  That ended the rest of my anxieties.  The last thing she wanted to do before we left was hear the heartbeat on the doppler.  She put the goo on my tummy and moved the wand around and around. She pushed on me and tried over and over but had no luck.  She literally tried for about 5 minutes.  I told her that I was glad we didn't try the doppler first because I would have had a heart attack.  She kept saying, "I know you're in there"  but still had no luck.  Finally, after a battle of who could be more stubborn, baby won out.  Dr. S said, "Okay, baby wins this one!"  She turned off the machine and told us that we could go back to the ultrasound and see the heartbeat so we wouldn't be worried.  We went back to the room again and saw that baby had basically done a flip.  We could now see the profile of baby's little noggin and the little arm and leg buds.  We got more pictures since we could see a different angle a little better.  Our tech told us that if we ever had any worries or just wanted to see the baby, to just call.  She would fit us in to give us peace of mind.  She is so sweet and it made me feel good to have all these people behind us and keeping this baby safe.

By this time, baby has completely switched directions and the head is on the right.  You can see arms and legs and cord in this picture.

After some blood work, I think I skipped out of there.  Brian and I were hand in hand with big grins.  He took me out to breakfast and said, "I don't want to go to work, I want to spend the day with you and baby." I told him, "Then don't!"  He called into work to see if they would be okay without him for the day and they said that it was fine.  Yay!  We later went to Barnes and Noble to get a pregnancy journal to write all of our special stuff down for this little one.  When we walked in, I saw the children's section and had another thought.  We needed a book for Bumblebee!  Brian's main connection with Lillian was to talk to her and read to her.  It is hard for daddies to be involved when they can't see or hold the baby.  Brian's way to stay close to our little ones from early on is to read.  I took his hand and walked back to the children's section.  The VERY first book I saw out on display was called "Little Bee"  Perfect!

We picked it up and kept looking.  I found a pregnancy journal and a baby book.  The baby book has both bees and ladybugs in it.  Very fitting :)  After a little browsing, we purchased our books and went home.  This was a wonderful beginning to a new chapter in our lives.

So, today is  our 11 month mark since Lillian was born.  I started off the day feeling down and a little sad.  The closer we approach the one year mark, the more I'm thinking about her.  I'm sure these pregnancy hormones aren't helping either.  Along with it being 11 months since we've held our firstborn, today we start our 8th week in our second pregnancy.  Lots of feelings to go around.  With the combination of everything, today was just kind of a down day.  We made our weekly trip to the cemetery to talk to our little one and tell her that we love her and miss her.  Later, we came home to eat lunch, take a nap, and later get some groceries.
It was on this grocery trip where our little girl surprised us.  We were heading to the checkout lines and I was gazing at all the flowers, when Brian said, "Look, there's some ladybug balloons."  But, I couldn't look.  I had just stepped on something and it was stuck to the bottom of my shoe.  I steadied myself by holding his arm and lifted my foot up to see what it was and I could NOT believe my eyes!!! A little wooden ladybug was stuck on the bottom of my shoe!  Brian looked down and saw it the same time I did.  He started laughing and said, "Where did that come from?  Where did you get that?"  I couldn't stop giggling to answer him.  I finally responded, "From Lillian!"  I quickly pocketed the little bug (shhhh!) and we were laughing with amazement all the way out of the store.  I couldn't believe that she sent me a ladybug to step on!  It had a sticky on the back of it so it had to have been upside down for me to step on it and it stay on my shoe.  If it hadn't stuck, I would have just kept on walking.  I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!

The funny thing was, when we left the store, the security alarm went off.  I know that this didn't set it off but it still made me laugh.

Honesty

Today we are 7 weeks pregnant and I'm still feeling pretty good.  I know I say it every month, but I can't believe how far we've come since Lillian left us. We are a week shy of 11 months.  Wow.  Looking back, I can't even remember the people that Brian and I were during the worst time of our lives.  We both say that it most definitely doesn't feel like those are our memories, just some haunting nightmares that we will always live with.  

I'm so so so very thankful to be pregnant.  It is definitely a bittersweet feeling.  I'm in between two children and it's a very confusing time.  Honestly, I feel like I'm caught between two worlds.  I have a daughter in heaven who is with us in the most real sense possible, and now I have this little soul that I'm doing my best to take care of and love.  And as long as I'm being honest, I feel like I should share my feelings about this pregnancy.  I want this blog to be uplifting and encouraging but above all, I want it to be honest.  It is so overwhelming to lose a child and it can be such a devastating and depressing place to be.  In our case, it wasn't the end of our family.  My and Brian's relationship has never been stronger.  We have made it out on top and are not letting it get the best of us.  My daughter will always have a piece of my heart, but her death does not take her away from me.  All that being said, my heart is so full of thankfulness and peace for this little one.  I pray that this baby gets to stay with us and that we will never have to endure another loss again.  However, I am very reserved about this pregnancy.  I know that God has given us this wonderful blessing but we also know too well that nothing in this life is guaranteed.  I love this little one because he/she is my child, but it's hard to get excited when we have such a long way to go.  I think that God has placed this stillness over my heart because the feelings of being overwhelmed with happiness and excitement could also lead to feelings of anxiety and worry.  I don't need all those emotions right now.  I have thankfulness and peace and that's all I could ask for.

Our child does have a name.  Since we don't know the sex, we don't know which one, but he/she has one!  We plan on revealing the name as soon as we know the sex.  This is different than when I was pregnant with Lillian.  I was adamant about not naming her until we met her.  I could never really explain it but later I felt as though God would give us her name when it was time, and He did.  In fact, Lillian was NEVER on our list of names.  I only found it the day that we found out she was in heaven.  I found it a little before my doctor's appointment.  When the ultrasound technician said there was no heartbeat, as soon as I could speak, I stated, "Her name is Lillian."  I didn't even think about it.  God just put it on my heart and I said it.  The next day we found out that her name means "innocence, purity, and beauty."  So perfect.  I LOVE her name and it's so weird to say but I don't feel as though we picked it.  God chose it for her.  I'm not sure why we have names picked out this time.  One name, I feel as though God gave it to us a while ago.  If we get to use it, I'll tell that story when the time comes.  I guess we will just have to stick with bumble bee for now.