Honesty

Today we are 7 weeks pregnant and I'm still feeling pretty good.  I know I say it every month, but I can't believe how far we've come since Lillian left us. We are a week shy of 11 months.  Wow.  Looking back, I can't even remember the people that Brian and I were during the worst time of our lives.  We both say that it most definitely doesn't feel like those are our memories, just some haunting nightmares that we will always live with.  

I'm so so so very thankful to be pregnant.  It is definitely a bittersweet feeling.  I'm in between two children and it's a very confusing time.  Honestly, I feel like I'm caught between two worlds.  I have a daughter in heaven who is with us in the most real sense possible, and now I have this little soul that I'm doing my best to take care of and love.  And as long as I'm being honest, I feel like I should share my feelings about this pregnancy.  I want this blog to be uplifting and encouraging but above all, I want it to be honest.  It is so overwhelming to lose a child and it can be such a devastating and depressing place to be.  In our case, it wasn't the end of our family.  My and Brian's relationship has never been stronger.  We have made it out on top and are not letting it get the best of us.  My daughter will always have a piece of my heart, but her death does not take her away from me.  All that being said, my heart is so full of thankfulness and peace for this little one.  I pray that this baby gets to stay with us and that we will never have to endure another loss again.  However, I am very reserved about this pregnancy.  I know that God has given us this wonderful blessing but we also know too well that nothing in this life is guaranteed.  I love this little one because he/she is my child, but it's hard to get excited when we have such a long way to go.  I think that God has placed this stillness over my heart because the feelings of being overwhelmed with happiness and excitement could also lead to feelings of anxiety and worry.  I don't need all those emotions right now.  I have thankfulness and peace and that's all I could ask for.

Our child does have a name.  Since we don't know the sex, we don't know which one, but he/she has one!  We plan on revealing the name as soon as we know the sex.  This is different than when I was pregnant with Lillian.  I was adamant about not naming her until we met her.  I could never really explain it but later I felt as though God would give us her name when it was time, and He did.  In fact, Lillian was NEVER on our list of names.  I only found it the day that we found out she was in heaven.  I found it a little before my doctor's appointment.  When the ultrasound technician said there was no heartbeat, as soon as I could speak, I stated, "Her name is Lillian."  I didn't even think about it.  God just put it on my heart and I said it.  The next day we found out that her name means "innocence, purity, and beauty."  So perfect.  I LOVE her name and it's so weird to say but I don't feel as though we picked it.  God chose it for her.  I'm not sure why we have names picked out this time.  One name, I feel as though God gave it to us a while ago.  If we get to use it, I'll tell that story when the time comes.  I guess we will just have to stick with bumble bee for now.