Brian and I had discussed beforehand that we didn't want her funeral to be sad and depressing. It was a day to celebrate our marriage and the beginning of our family. We wanted to be happy on that day and wanted to be comforting to everyone else who was seeing us for the first time since everything had happened. See, me and Brian had dealt with this for a week already. We had already had 7 days to sort out information whereas a lot of family and friends were showing up and facing the reality of it all for the first time. They had to look at the tiny casket and see all the little baby clothes on the memory table and it was a very unfortunate truth to face. We wanted to hug those who were sad and tell them why we were going to be alright and why Lillian will not be missing out on anything.
Our family showed up about an hour before the ceremony so we could make some last minute plans. We decided where we were going to sit and how many pews were needed for family. One of our family friends is a photographer and I asked if she would take pictures of the funeral so I could have beautiful pictures to keep as a memory. She happily agreed and I'm so glad of it! She's so talented and the pictures are perfect. Now I can show you how wonderful of a ceremony we had for Lillian if you weren't able to make it. I asked our photog friend to take a picture of Brian and I placing our hands on her casket and it turned out so beautiful.
After we did a few pictures, we went to a private room to talk with the pastor and so he could talk to some of our extended family about what was happening that day. He told everyone what a great family we had as support and that Brian and I had such a special relationship together. He asked if anyone had something they wanted to add or say to us. A few different family members said some sweet things to us and wanted us to know that they're here for us. After a while, it was finally time to go start the service. We filed out of the room and into the chapel. I looked in the back windows and saw so many people who came to support us and say goodbye to Lillian. I couldn't believe how loved she was already. We all took our seats and waited for Pastor D to start the service. I remember feeling a sense of peace and joy that day. It's hard to describe. I know I wasn't happy but I think God's love was showing through us because I remember feeling so filled with peace. I sat with Brian, hand in hand, at our daughter's funeral, and it was okay. I listened as Pastor D spoke about Brian and I's relationship, our family and their support, Lillian being a very active baby, and the story of how she finally got her name. He also talked about what we had discussed at the meeting ahead of time and how Mary and I shared similar pain. Pastor D then told a story of a friend that he has who discussed with him the very topic of losing a child. He said that a long time ago, they were having a discussion about children. They liked to throw around scenarios to discuss, debate, and whatnot. During one of their discussions, he asked this friend if she were have a scenario where you would either lose your life, or your child's life, what would you choose?
Without a bat of an eye, she replied, "I'd choose for my child to die."
Surprised at her answer, he said, "Well maybe you'll change your mind when you have kids."
So, as time went on she did end up having children a few years later and the topic came up again. Again, Pastor D asked her the same question, "If you had to choose either you or your child to die, who would you choose?"
And without hesitation she said, "Every time I'd choose my child."
He said he couldn't believe that she still said the same thing after now being a mother.
She then went on to explain, "If I were to die, my child would have to suffer through the pains of this world and I wouldn't be here to protect them. If they were to die, they'd go straight to heaven without any pain and would be in a perfect world."
This, my friends, is why I'm okay. When pastor D told me this story, I couldn't believe how much this matched up with my thoughts and feelings. It's not the same scenario and I didn't get to choose any of this but since it happened to us, I choose to be happy for my daughter. I would never want Lillian to feel pain of loss or hurt and I'm so grateful that she never will. This is quite a shocking story to those who have never pondered morbid things like that, but death is in my reality. I have to face it on a daily basis and I will certainly not be afraid of it!
Anyways, continuing with the service, everything was going wonderful and smooth until he read a letter that my sister wrote to Lillian. The day we had Lillian, my sister gave Brian a letter that she wrote to her and asked us to read it to her. She brought the letter to the funeral so everyone could hear it and when Pastor D read it aloud, there was not a dry eye! It was so sweet and thoughtful. She spoke of how much she loved our little baby girl and how she got to feel her kick. She signed the letter, "Aunt Kiki" Which was what we decided her auntie name would be :) I made it all the way through the service without tearing up and it was coming to a close.
I had previously asked Pastor D to offer a prayer for those people who may not know Jesus but would like to. He was surprised that I had asked this but said it would be an honor. So, as the service was coming to a close, he did just that. He explained that we requested that if anyone felt lead to ask for forgiveness and wanted to make a decision to trust Jesus then to pray it with him. I wanted Lilian's life to make an impact on others. I thought that maybe if people saw the strength and faith that we had, they would rethink their own destiny. I pray that someone's life was changed because of it. Pastor D closed the service with that prayer and it was a beautiful ending to a beautiful ceremony.
Here's a few pictures of Lillian's funeral. Our moms picked out flower arrangements and our aunt brought the beautiful casket.
One white lily was all the flower shop had. It was just meant for our sweet Lillian
Beautiful casket and floral arrangement
Our memory table: Full of all the things I dreamed of using with her. The dress hanging down in front is a bow holder. I bought a ton of bows to put on this girl's head.
Picture of Lillian's hands and feet taken by bereavement staff at hospital, quilt that my grandma and I made, Goodnight Gorilla book that Brian read to her all the time, picture of me 7 months pregnant that was used for my baby shower invite, willow tree figurine that my mom gave me for Christmas, burp rags that my gma and I made, one in the pic below is star wars and pink (so Brian wouldn't be left out :P)
More pictures in this photo, some handmade booties and caps from friends, a pink zebra swimsuit that I looked for forever and paid way too much for, a tutu that I made for her, pink zebra blankie sent from Brian's aunt, and our unity sand from our wedding. I'll explain that in my post about the grave site service.
She had such a special and beautiful service. Thanks so much to everyone who helped out with it. I could not have gotten through it without everyone's support.
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