Still Missing Her

The three month anniversary of Lillian's death was last week.  I cannot believe it has only been 3 months since my precious baby left this world.  It is a daily struggle to go on with life even though life goes on without me.  Over the weekend my family and I went on a vacation to see some relatives in Oklahoma.  We had a great time and enjoyed being together for a four day weekend but, I couldn't get past feeling like someone was missing.  Every time I thought someone was missing, I'd look up and count everyone, 8 people.  Everyone was obviously there but my heart always reminds me that there is one missing.  I can't shake the feeling of someone being missing from my family.  I can't explain it because she never physically was here with us.  It's unexplainable the feeling of love I have for a baby I never have met and never will.  My heart hurts for the loss of her.  Sure, we'll have other children, I believe it with all my heart.  But, I will never ever have another Lillian and that's what gets me.  I'm not sad for her, but sad that I missed out.  She was made and created from my husband and I and that is so very very special.  I'm so proud to be able to call myself her mommy because she was such a special girl.  She's touched so many different people and more so than I'll ever know.  I pray everyday that God will help me tell our story in a way that will bring others closer to Him and that Lillian's legacy will continue to go on.  I need her leaving us to have a purpose because the pain of losing her for no reason is unbearable.  I'm still struggling with the emptiness of our arms, hearts, house, and lives.  That little girl had a big place here and now that place is a gaping hole.  It's made me a different person, I sometimes feel so delicate that I cannot function in everyday society.  I have been contemplating getting a job but wish I could tell a future employer, "I just had a major loss 3 months ago so please excuse my emotional instability and go easy on me."  But, that's not how life works.  So I debate on whether I'm strong enough to go to a brand new place and handle even more stress when my life is already at a solid 10 on the stress level.  Sometimes it's a bit overwhelming.  Prayers are always welcomed!  

Short post today but I just got back from vacation and have an arm's length of things to do to catch up with all my housework. I will write about her funeral next but I have to find the pictures so I can show you guys how beautiful everything turned out.