Holidays

Holidays are some of the harder days.  I had a cute little patriotic outfit that my mother in law gave us for Lillian's first fourth of July.  If she was here, I would have her decked out in red, white, and blue and sitting in  a lawn chair watching the fourth of July parade.  Right this moment actually.  These are the days that I miss my baby the most.  When we come up to the specific events that I had planned around her.  Right after she passed, we celebrated Mother's Day.  My first Mother's Day as a mommy, however I had no baby to celebrate with.  Then after that came Father's Day.  Round two for the boxing match that just seems to be consisting of life just kicking us when we're already down.  So, now we're at the Fourth of July.  I don't have a little girl in my lap in her matching patriotic outfit and I'm not worried about keeping her out of the heat and sun.  Instead, that outfit is packed away in a room in the basement that is too painful to go in.  And instead, I'm sitting here writing a blog about my daughter so that I can keep her memory alive as much as humanly possible.  This has become my new norm and we've become used to the painful blows and everyday reminders of everything we don't have.  When I feel myself sinking into this overwhelming sadness, I think about her perspective.  What's she doing right now?  Just think about her view of fireworks from heaven.  I'm sure the beauty that surrounds her is not even close to the cheap "Made in China" explosives that she would see in her whole lifetime here.  My baby is surrounded by love and joy.  I am still sad for myself on missing out on these things with her but what more does a mom ask for than for their child to be safe and healthy?  My daughter is both and I find peace in that.  

P.S.  I signed onto my blog to let everyone know that I didn't plan on blogging today or on other major holidays and that I take the weekends off.  I guess God had other plans because he laid it on my heart to just keep typing.  Who am I to say no to that?  Haha!  Love you all!  Stay safe tonight!