Other children in our life

After we finished shopping, we returned the wheelchair and I hobbled out of there.  The short walk from the kiosk to the parking lot was still difficult for me.  Every time I stood up to walk, I felt like my abdomen was so tight and that I was stretching out my muscles.  Such a weird feeling.  Note to self- avoid any more cesareans in the future.  I do not like this feeling!  We headed home so I could rest some before the meeting with the pastor.  We had family in and out throughout this whole time doing anything they could to help us.  My parents, Brian's parents, my sister's and their guys planned to be there for the meeting that night.  My sister, who lives in an apartment, brought her dogs over since there were going to be bad storms that night and they didn't have a safe place to go in case of a tornado.  So, slumber party it was!  

Shortly before the pastor was to arrive, my dad got a phone call from my cousin.  He handed me the phone and I talked to him.  My cousin was wanting to drop by and see us but said he didn't want to intrude.  I told him to come on over!  I loved having everyone be so close to us and just being there.  I didn't care if we were all in a room just staring at each other, I just wanted family to be there.  Prior to the phone call, I learned that my cousin's wife was worried about making me upset by bringing their infant daughter around and to the funeral.  Although I could understand where she was coming from, that was the opposite of what I felt.  I NEVER want anyone to feel guilty that they have a healthy baby.  End of story.  Regardless of us being pregnant and losing our daughter, other babies will be born.  Had we never been pregnant, my little baby cousin would still be here and she was not my daughter.  I'm happy that others have their children and that they don't have to feel the pain that I feel.  I would never wish that on anyone.  I'm happy that there's hope that I, too, someday will have a healthy happy infant.  It helped some that my career is working with children.  I worked for years taking care of infants and children so I don't only associate babies to the loss of my own.  I shared stories with a close friend, who was pregnant a few weeks ahead of me, all throughout our pregnancies.  In fact, she had a son (who was Lillian's boyfriend :P) shortly after we had Lillian.  I hate that she would ever feel sad talking about her son to us.  I love her little man, he is precious.  It is sad that we lost our baby girl.  I would change it if I could, but I can't.  Her death is not related to other babies.  In my eyes they are completely separate. 

Getting back to the story, I told my cousin to come over asap because the pastor was due to show up in about 30 min.  I asked him who he was bringing with him because I didn't dare want him to leave the baby and wife at home in fear of hurting us.  He told me that his whole family was heading over and I told him that I was glad.  I loved seeing my little baby cousin, she is such a doll.  They brought over a meal for us and the most delicious strawberry cake I've ever had.  My mouth is watering now just thinking about it!  We visited a little while but then our pastor showed up and we needed to start our meeting.  We hugged goodbye and promised to meet up again soon.  

This story seems so insignificant from an outsider's perspective but it allows me to express our thoughts on other children.  I love love love children.  They are my passion.  I hate the thought of anyone feeling guilty talking to me or being around me because they have a healthy baby or child.  I'm so glad that those children are here, like I said, it brings us hope for happy endings.  I know it's harder for Brian, seeing little ones, because he has approximately zero experience with infants.  His career on working with computers brings him little contact with being around children.  That being said, it is a little different for him.  Seeing a baby reminds him of our daughter but he wholeheartedly agrees with me when I say that we don't relate other children and babies to our sadness and loss.  Until we get our "happy ending", I will continue to love on other's kids and kiss one of God's greatest blessings, children.