Visitation

Sorry I didn't post yesterday.  One of our computers crashed and the hubby needed the other one so I was without for a day.  I'll continue today with the story of our visitation but I'm going to take the rest of the week off since we'll be out of town for a few days.  I'll be back next week.

Lillian's visitation was on Sunday, the day before her funeral service.  Brian and I decided that we still didn't want anyone to see her even though they could try to cover her skin a bit. We threw a few ideas around but the idea of everyone seeing my sweet girl like that just made me anxious so everyone decided it was a good idea for it to be a closed casket.  I was more comfortable with that.  My husband's aunt works in the funeral business and had brought us a lovely little casket for her.  She was so great through all of this.  I know she worked behind the scenes so much and I will never be able to thank her enough.  She also helped us to get Lillian's grave marker at wholesale cost so those of you who donated to her fund, we got the most out of all the donations!
I told everyone to be comfortable at the visitation.  I chose to wear jeans and a black shirt.  I didn't want to worry about what I looked like, I was just focused on getting through the whole ordeal.  As time was getting closer to leave, I started thinking again, "How am I going to do this?"  I was so worried about seeing all those sad faces and I didn't want all eyes on me.  I know everyone who came, was there to support us, but I couldn't help but feel that I let everyone down.  I know none of it is my fault but I still struggle with the fact that she passed away while I was carrying her.  I remember thinking during my pregnancy that I didn't want my innocent little girl to be in this cruel harsh world, I just wanted to keep her safe in my tummy forever.  Even my tummy wasn't a safe place for her and I couldn't protect her from such a cruel world.

My parents drove us to the funeral home which was literally less than a mile from our house.  I started realizing in the car ride up there what I was about to face.  I knew my daughter was in that funeral home, laying in the tiny casket that our aunt brought up and dressed in a frilly white dress and headband that our moms picked out.  I also knew that I didn't want to see any of it.  I didn't want to face her again and see again what had happened to my innocent little girl.  We were given the option to open the casket to see her but we both decided that it would be for the best if we didn't.  We had already said our goodbyes at the hospital.  When we pulled up to the funeral home, I walked through the front doors and faced what seemed like a thousand people.  I felt so awkward and had no idea what to do.  All eyes were on me and I didn't know if I should smile or start hugging people or what.  So, I just headed to one corner of the room and busied myself with talking.  At the time, I was still recovering from my cesarean and in a lot of pain.  I couldn't stand for long and it hurt to reach up or bend down.  I hugged a few people and walked around and then finally decided to go sit on the couch in the room with my baby.  They had her casket in a private room along with a memory table that my mom, sister, and husband prepared. We visited the funeral home earlier and saw that the previous funeral had a nice table outside of the chapel that was filled with mementos and pictures that were special to the woman.  I was so glad I saw that because now I had something to make my daughter's funeral more special and meaningful.  There were so many things that I had made and bought just for her that we won't use for our other kids.  They were for her and I wanted to bring them to set up a memory table.  So, those things were nicely arranged on a table in the visitation room.  I took a seat on one of the couches in there because I couldn't stand anymore.  I had a few people in the room with me and my family was in there with me along with all the flowers and plants that people sent.  I remember after a while, I could just hear people talking and visiting outside in the main area while I was sitting in the visitation room and I was starting to get anxious.  I remember telling my mom that it was pointless for me to stay there if no one wanted to come in and talk to me.  I could hear loud talking and conversation outside our room and was upset to think that everyone was just visiting about something other than my beautiful little girl.  I was about ready to leave when people started trickling in.  Apparently my mom had made rounds and told everyone that we would be leaving soon so if they would like to talk to me, they needed to do so now.  Mom saves the day.  I felt better when everyone came in to give me a hug and tell me that they were thinking about us.  I was so happy to see how many people loved her and us so much.  Honestly, if it had happened to someone else I don't know that I would be able to go to a visitation or funeral for a baby.  How devastating that would be to the parents to lose their firstborn baby girl who would have survived had they known something was wrong.  And then I remember it's us that it happened to.  I was extremely grateful for everyone who did show up seeing as how if had happened to someone else, I may have chickened out.  I don't blame anyone who didn't make the funeral.  If it wasn't my daughter laying there in the casket, I would be anywhere but there.  After getting hugs and talking to everyone, we decided that we should head home.  I was physically and emotionally exhausted and needed to go home.  Brian and I went to Lillian's casket and told our sweet girl that we loved her and then we left to go home.