Man, I'm so happy to see 2012 come to an end. I know I shouldn't say this but I'm SO done with 2012. It just sucked. It more than sucked. We had lost so many loved ones last year, cried many tears, gave many hugs, and it was just depressing. That being said, SUCK IT 2012!!! I'm DONE with you!!! Phew, I feel better. Haha, just typing that makes me feel better.
I'm ready to bring in a new year with my family having many wonderful blessings in our future. I whole heartedly believe that we will have a fantastic year coming up. Today I was thinking about Lillian and how we've come SO far, like leaps and bounds far. We are coming up on 9 months. In some senses it feels like April was decades ago, in other senses it feels like it is not so far away. We have a new normal in our house and it includes Lillian in as many aspects as possible. We had a great Christmas with exactly ZERO meltdowns from me! I'm pretty proud of that one. I dreaded all of the other holidays before this one but with Christmas, it was different. I wasn't afraid of it. I wanted to enjoy our family time and traditions. I prayed (and had others praying for us) for a wonderful Christmas, and it was just that. Simply wonderful. I carried a peace around in my heart that my baby is in Heaven. I had no sadness whatsoever. It's hard to explain, but I know that it is the peace that only comes from God. I hope it's here to stay. I haven't had the overwhelming feeling of grief and sadness in a while and I hope to keep it that way.
I started to feel a little sad today but Lillian sent plenty of ladybugs to get me out of it and I'm doing well. Even as I'm watching t.v. right now, there was a ladybug pinata. Random, but I'll take it :P Love my ladybugs.
I apologize if this post is super random and out there. It's currently 12:30 a.m. and I can't sleep so I decided blogging would be a nice remedy to my boredom.
Thank you all for the continued support and understanding, we are making it. I'm ready for 2013 and all of the wonderful things that are in store. Please keep us and our family in your prayers as we are ready for some happiness. I know God is in charge and will carry us through anything. I just pray that "anything" is a happier route next year.
God Bless and Happy New Year!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
8 months
I mentioned in my last post that we were coming up on 8 months since Lillian went to be with Jesus. I don't usually like to "keep up" with the time that has passed because it makes it seem like I'm keeping track. I try not to keep a ticker in my head about how many days we've been through, but the 10th of every month will always be a reminder of our little girl. I most definitely was apprehensive about this upcoming milestone. We only had Lillian for 8 months and now we were approaching the 8 month mark of being without her. I was kind of dreading this milestone. I hated the thought of being without her longer than we had her here with us. That being said, I prayed for guidance. I know that so many prayers have gotten us this far and I wasn't going to give up now. I prayed and knew in my heart that this day was NOT going to be a bad one. I had some wonderful people tell me first thing Monday morning (the 10th) that they were praying for me. They each told me that they knew I was going to get some ladybugs. Oh wow you guys, they weren't kidding!! First thing in the morning, I went on an errand at school and the room that I went to was ladybug themed! The whole room! It's the same room that had the ladybug bulletin board on my first day of school and there are tons more inside :) I was soo happy! Later, a little girl asked me if I liked her tattoo and showed it to me... It was a Tinkerbell tattoo with a little ladybug on it :) Another girl got stamps from going to Speech class and she happened to choose a ladybug that day. After school I went grocery shopping and saw some ladybug toys while I was walking around Dillons. Then, later that night, I was looking online through some sales and one of the toys that came up was a ladybug rattle.
I know, it seems ridiculous and there's always the thought in the back of my head that I'm just "looking" for them. Well yeah! I want to see them, but I KNOW they are from her. I hadn't had many new ladybugs in a while, just a few here and there. Whenever I asked Lillian to send me some and other people prayed that God would send me those special messages, I received them! I think I counted 7 in one day!! That is just insane. I love love love getting ladybugs but I try not to ask for them until I really need them. It may take a day or two, but she never disappoints.
As far as a general report on how we're doing, we're doing well. We miss Lillian. All. The. Time. That will never change. But what has changed is that we are healing. We are on the mend. Life is going on and we include her as much as we can. I feel whole again. I think my heart has accepted that she is my baby in Heaven. We will always have the special aspect of having a child in Heaven and her siblings will grow up knowing that she is their older sister. Our family wouldn't be complete without her. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If I knew what was going to happen, what our life would be like, I'd still have her. In a heartbeat I would have her. There is life beyond this world. I'd go through all the pain and heartache again to make sure she was with us in our future. I love my precious daughter. She has made us better people and brought our family closer together. I will miss her until the day I die and I join her in Heaven, but I will live my life being the best mom I can be until then.
I know, it seems ridiculous and there's always the thought in the back of my head that I'm just "looking" for them. Well yeah! I want to see them, but I KNOW they are from her. I hadn't had many new ladybugs in a while, just a few here and there. Whenever I asked Lillian to send me some and other people prayed that God would send me those special messages, I received them! I think I counted 7 in one day!! That is just insane. I love love love getting ladybugs but I try not to ask for them until I really need them. It may take a day or two, but she never disappoints.
As far as a general report on how we're doing, we're doing well. We miss Lillian. All. The. Time. That will never change. But what has changed is that we are healing. We are on the mend. Life is going on and we include her as much as we can. I feel whole again. I think my heart has accepted that she is my baby in Heaven. We will always have the special aspect of having a child in Heaven and her siblings will grow up knowing that she is their older sister. Our family wouldn't be complete without her. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If I knew what was going to happen, what our life would be like, I'd still have her. In a heartbeat I would have her. There is life beyond this world. I'd go through all the pain and heartache again to make sure she was with us in our future. I love my precious daughter. She has made us better people and brought our family closer together. I will miss her until the day I die and I join her in Heaven, but I will live my life being the best mom I can be until then.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
What's normal anyways?
Life is still going merrily along. We're slowly easing into winter but when the weather is in the 60s and 70s it doesn't really feel like Christmas season. I'm surprising myself with how gracefully this transition has gone as we near Christmas time. I was honestly dreading this part of the year that revolves around family time and being thankful for everything.
Somewhere downstairs there are adorable (read adorable as obnoxiously cute) tutu onesies that I bought last year after Christmas when they were on sale. They are packed away with all of her other things that, God willing, will be used sometime in the future. I was so looking forward to dolling up my princess and toting her around in red and green tutus with bows bigger than her head. I am slowly coming to terms with our new reality. It still stings that Lillian won't be joining us this holiday season but I am starting to get used to the "new norm."
The new norm includes Brian and I making weekly trips to the cemetery to talk to our baby girl. Sometimes with heavier hearts than others, but that's okay. It also includes us spending lots of time together because I can't see myself being without my husband, because he's the only person who truly "gets" me. Our norm also includes my heart skipping a beat and my palms sweaty when I meet someone new and they start a conversation because I'm wondering if they'll ask THE question, "So, do you have any kids?" It means shopping for my daughter in the lawn and garden section for decor to put at her grave. Our life revolves around ladybugs and prayers and time with family. It is a new norm but I'm so happy to have a norm at all.
Not too long ago, our lives were shook up and we could hardly tell up from down. Our lives are far from the average norm but I'm okay with that. I'm claiming my life and wouldn't trade anyone for theirs. There has been a lot of pain and sadness in our lives but God will always be there to love us through it. We're looking forward to having a lot of good things and blessings in our future. Like I said before, I wasn't too fond of Christmas creeping up on us but like always, God has other plans. He's given me a peace that I know could only come from a supernatural being. I'd expected to keep the Christmas decorations in the basement, avoid the chipper associates at the stores, and "putting up with the holidays." Instead, God has given me joy for what we do have, and peace in knowing (once again like He's done so many other times) that my baby is alive.
Somewhere downstairs there are adorable (read adorable as obnoxiously cute) tutu onesies that I bought last year after Christmas when they were on sale. They are packed away with all of her other things that, God willing, will be used sometime in the future. I was so looking forward to dolling up my princess and toting her around in red and green tutus with bows bigger than her head. I am slowly coming to terms with our new reality. It still stings that Lillian won't be joining us this holiday season but I am starting to get used to the "new norm."
The new norm includes Brian and I making weekly trips to the cemetery to talk to our baby girl. Sometimes with heavier hearts than others, but that's okay. It also includes us spending lots of time together because I can't see myself being without my husband, because he's the only person who truly "gets" me. Our norm also includes my heart skipping a beat and my palms sweaty when I meet someone new and they start a conversation because I'm wondering if they'll ask THE question, "So, do you have any kids?" It means shopping for my daughter in the lawn and garden section for decor to put at her grave. Our life revolves around ladybugs and prayers and time with family. It is a new norm but I'm so happy to have a norm at all.
Not too long ago, our lives were shook up and we could hardly tell up from down. Our lives are far from the average norm but I'm okay with that. I'm claiming my life and wouldn't trade anyone for theirs. There has been a lot of pain and sadness in our lives but God will always be there to love us through it. We're looking forward to having a lot of good things and blessings in our future. Like I said before, I wasn't too fond of Christmas creeping up on us but like always, God has other plans. He's given me a peace that I know could only come from a supernatural being. I'd expected to keep the Christmas decorations in the basement, avoid the chipper associates at the stores, and "putting up with the holidays." Instead, God has given me joy for what we do have, and peace in knowing (once again like He's done so many other times) that my baby is alive.
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