Life is still going merrily along. We're slowly easing into winter but when the weather is in the 60s and 70s it doesn't really feel like Christmas season. I'm surprising myself with how gracefully this transition has gone as we near Christmas time. I was honestly dreading this part of the year that revolves around family time and being thankful for everything.
Somewhere downstairs there are adorable (read adorable as obnoxiously cute) tutu onesies that I bought last year after Christmas when they were on sale. They are packed away with all of her other things that, God willing, will be used sometime in the future. I was so looking forward to dolling up my princess and toting her around in red and green tutus with bows bigger than her head. I am slowly coming to terms with our new reality. It still stings that Lillian won't be joining us this holiday season but I am starting to get used to the "new norm."
The new norm includes Brian and I making weekly trips to the cemetery to talk to our baby girl. Sometimes with heavier hearts than others, but that's okay. It also includes us spending lots of time together because I can't see myself being without my husband, because he's the only person who truly "gets" me. Our norm also includes my heart skipping a beat and my palms sweaty when I meet someone new and they start a conversation because I'm wondering if they'll ask THE question, "So, do you have any kids?" It means shopping for my daughter in the lawn and garden section for decor to put at her grave. Our life revolves around ladybugs and prayers and time with family. It is a new norm but I'm so happy to have a norm at all.
Not too long ago, our lives were shook up and we could hardly tell up from down. Our lives are far from the average norm but I'm okay with that. I'm claiming my life and wouldn't trade anyone for theirs. There has been a lot of pain and sadness in our lives but God will always be there to love us through it. We're looking forward to having a lot of good things and blessings in our future. Like I said before, I wasn't too fond of Christmas creeping up on us but like always, God has other plans. He's given me a peace that I know could only come from a supernatural being. I'd expected to keep the Christmas decorations in the basement, avoid the chipper associates at the stores, and "putting up with the holidays." Instead, God has given me joy for what we do have, and peace in knowing (once again like He's done so many other times) that my baby is alive.
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