8 months

I mentioned in my last post that we were coming up on 8 months since Lillian went to be with Jesus.  I don't usually like to "keep up" with the time that has passed because it makes it seem like I'm keeping track.  I try not to keep a ticker in my head about how many days we've been through, but the 10th of every month will always be a reminder of our little girl.  I most definitely was apprehensive about this upcoming milestone.  We only had Lillian for 8 months and now we were approaching the 8 month mark of being without her.  I was kind of dreading this milestone.  I hated the thought of being without her longer than we had her here with us.  That being said, I prayed for guidance.  I know that so many prayers have gotten us this far and I wasn't going to give up now.  I prayed and knew in my heart that this day was NOT going to be a bad one.  I had some wonderful people tell me first thing Monday morning (the 10th) that they were praying for me.  They each told me that they knew I was going to get some ladybugs.  Oh wow you guys, they weren't kidding!! First thing in the morning, I went on an errand at school and the room that I went to was ladybug themed!  The whole room!  It's the same room that had the ladybug bulletin board on my first day of school and there are tons more inside :)  I was soo happy!  Later, a little girl asked me if I liked her tattoo and showed it to me... It was a Tinkerbell tattoo with a little ladybug on it :)  Another girl got stamps from going to Speech class and she happened to choose a ladybug that day.  After school I went grocery shopping and saw some ladybug toys while I was walking around Dillons.  Then, later that night, I was looking online through some sales and one of the toys that came up was a ladybug rattle.

I know, it seems ridiculous and there's always the thought in the back of my head that I'm just "looking" for them.  Well yeah!  I want to see them, but I KNOW they are from her.  I hadn't had many new ladybugs in a while, just a few here and there.  Whenever I asked Lillian to send me some and other people prayed that God would send me those special messages, I received them!  I think I counted 7 in one day!! That is just insane.  I love love love getting ladybugs but I try not to ask for them until I really need them.  It may take a day or two, but she never disappoints.

As far as a general report on how we're doing, we're doing well.  We miss Lillian. All. The. Time.  That will never change.  But what has changed is that we are healing.  We are on the mend.  Life is going on and we include her as much as we can.  I feel whole again.  I think my heart has accepted that she is my baby in Heaven.  We will always have the special aspect of having a child in Heaven and her siblings will grow up knowing that she is their older sister.  Our family wouldn't be complete without her.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  If I knew what was going to happen, what our life would be like, I'd still have her.  In a heartbeat I would have her.  There is life beyond this world.  I'd go through all the pain and heartache again to make sure she was with us in our future.  I love my precious daughter.  She has made us better people and brought our family closer together.  I will miss her until the day I die and I join her in Heaven, but I will live my life being the best mom I can be until then.