Pregnancy has still been treating me well. Everything is going really smoothly and I couldn't ask for anything more. Today marks 12 weeks which is also the end of the first trimester, a wonderful milestone to hit for sure. Every little step of the way, we will be celebrating these little accomplishments. I know that God has his hand over this baby and He provides us peace especially when we need it the most.
Physically I've been doing well but emotionally it's been a little draining. When Lillian passed away, we first had to learn to cope with it and make any sense that we could. Then after a while, reality had set in and and we accepted our new norm. Our baby was in Heaven and we would think of her often but we were far enough away from the situation that reality didn't sting as much. Well now, ever since we've found out we're expecting, it's been a daily reminder of our last pregnancy. It's hard to describe, but every little thing is a reminder of Lillian and how she was here once. Every time Brian leans down to talk to baby, it throws me back in time to when he did that with Lillian. When he reads Bumblebee books every night, I think about the books we used to read to her. When I subconsciously lay my hand on my tummy, I'm taken back to Lillian's kicks and punches. Everything reminds me of her. Every. Single. Thing.
Most of the time, it's nice. I like to remember her and think of her. Especially since I know she is aware of it. Too many times I've thought, "I wonder if Lillian is with me? Even here?" And every time, she'll let me know that she's there! Most of the time it's wonderful, sometimes it's heartbreaking. I miss her. I wish I could have her here. When I'm having a hard day, I can experience emotions as if it just happened. It's bizarre how easy I can be back in that place of devastation. A loss is not something you "get over", you just learn how to deal with it. A combination of the daily reminders from this pregnancy, my hormones, and the anniversary of her death approaching has been tough on me. One day last week I remember telling Lillian, "I love you Lillian." and then blew her a kiss. "I wish I could give you real kisses. Every time I kiss baby, I will be sending you one too."
A few nights after saying that was one of my "rough nights". All of the emotions that I've experienced with her loss came flooding back to me. It was sadness on top of anxiety on top of grief on top of worry. It was not pretty. All these thoughts entered my head. Literally what went through my mind was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions and I was just beat. All the thoughts put together looked like this: "I miss my daughter, I want her back, I wish I could have saved her, I just want her back, What if this baby isn't okay, What if we can't find a heartbeat, How am I supposed to make it through the rest of this pregnancy, I can't do this!!!" All of these things were going through my mind but it wasn't that organized. It was more like they hit me all at once and I was a wreck. Brian just holds me when I get like that. He is everything I could ever ask for and never knew I would need. I am showing you the honest and true side of grief because I don't want people to think it's ever easy. It's okay to be distraught and devastated. I could never imagine that this would be our life and that we would face such big obstacles. Now that I'm here, I want to do my part to influence others in a positive light. I AM okay only because of God's love. Without the reassurance of His presence and the fact that she's in His care, I would not be okay. I wouldn't even come close. So, onto the point of this story. You didn't think I was just gonna write this depressing post and leave it at that did you? No, I wouldn't do that. That isn't the way God works. He conquers all in the end and this story has a happy ending.
So, just like every other meltdown, Brian says a prayer over us. We always ask for the peace that covers us and helps us get through life. When I went to bed that night, I was exhausted and had no problems falling asleep. When I woke up the next morning, I didn't want to open my eyes. I closed my eyes and was trying so hard to relive my dream and see every detail that I could. My dream was wonderful. It was sweet and everything I needed... In my dream, I was in my bed and I was holding Lillian. She was the age she would be right now (almost 1). She was the spitting image of me! I remember thinking that I have to show everyone her picture because she looks just like I did when I was little. I had her in my arms and facing me and she was just grinning at me. I knew in my dream that she recognized who I was. She knew I was her mommy. Such a happy baby and I was squeezing her so tight. Now, here's the reason I woke up with tears in my eyes... I was kissing her. I kissed her cheeks and her face and I'd pull back and look at her face and see her smile. Then I'd do it again. She just looked at me and was so joyful. I kissed her and kissed her and kissed her. That was it. That was all I needed. It wasn't just a dream, it was a vision God gave me because I desperately needed it. I needed to know my daughter was alright. Awesome story right? It's not over! The next day was the first time I felt Bumblebee move and KNOW without a doubt that it was baby. BOTH of my babies, in their own way, let me know that they are okay. I needed that so much. God knows our hearts and our pain. He also knows better than we do. I trust that He will provide everything we ever need and more. He knew that I needed my little miracles to reassure me in their own little way.
