Last weekend Brian and I went to an event offered at our hospital.  They had short sessions throughout the day that you could pick and choose off of a list and attend at your leisure.  They also had a bunch of vendors with pamphlets, freebies, and merchandise.  How could I say no to a day full of FREE baby info sessions and random pamphlets??  We started our day walking around the vendors and perusing the booths.  I got some good information, entered a few raffles, and took a few cards/pamphlets that I knew would go straight to the recycle bin.  I didn't want to be rude, though!  I HAD to take them :)  After about a half hour of meandering, the classes started.  The one class that appealed to us the most was Infant CPR.  Brian and I chose that as the first class we'd attend.  VERY important!  We brushed up on our first aid skills and I'm now really confident that we are up to date in case an emergency should ever arise.  The second class was a class for dads.  I thought it would be fun to see what info they presented to the dads that showed up.  I went along for support.  I was really hoping that it would be an infant 101 class for new dads but it really just ended up being a generic, "be there for your kids and wife" class.  I was really disappointed in it.  I thought it would be funny to watch Brian learn how to change a diaper or assist his wife through labor.  They covered nothing like that!  Boo!  So, after our oh-so-informative "dad class" was over, we got in line to go on the hospital tour.  I made the quick decision to do the tour just to make sure I knew what to do when it's go time.  Even though we've already been to this hospital, I wanted to make sure I knew the layout.  I wasn't exactly of sound mind at our last stay.  By the time the tour was about to start, my back was killing me and I was starting to run out of energy.  Brian asked me if I would be up to doing the tour since I was already wincing in pain.  I told him that I'd push through and be fine, so off we went.  The tour group had about 20 people in it, so the mass of us headed to the elevator to the labor and delivery floor.  Half of the group got on one elevator while the rest of us waited for the second.  Brian and I were some of the last people on when a dad and his little girl, no more than two, stepped onto the elevator behind us.  I looked down and smiled at her.  She was dressed in pink and had dark brown, curly hair.  My eyes then went to her skirt... Ladybugs!  I looked at my husband and whispered, "Awwww, her skirt has ladybugs on it."   Right after that, we arrived at our floor.  The dad and daughter stepped out of the way so the herd could exit the elevator.  As the elevator doors opened, life seemed to slow down.  Brian's body language changed and I could tell he had the same feeling in his stomach that I just did.  Our first look out of the elevator was the exact waiting room we entered 16 months ago and it was filled with our family who looked upset and grief stricken.  I looked around and could almost feel the sadness.  I grabbed my husband's hand as he took a deep sigh.  I was kicking myself for not thinking this all out.  Of course we were going to go see the same place we were when we had Lillian.  It hadn't dawned on me and I'm not really sure why.  It took my breath away seeing this room again and I didn't know if I wanted to go any further.  I walked hand in hand with my husband as the group shuffled/waddled down the hallway.  We went to see one of the rooms that we'd be staying in when we arrived at the hospital.  The tour guide explained all the protocols of admittance and the generic guidelines for moms in labor.  We later went to the other floor which is where mom and baby recover until it's time to go home.  Brian and I had seen enough of that room last time we were there so we decided to wait in the hallway.  I turned to him and apologized for deciding to go on the tour.  I should have realized that we would be revisiting the same place that we had experienced so much pain only a year and a half ago.  I was kicking myself for not thinking of it sooner and I hated that my hubby and I were now so down after having such a good morning.  We followed the group back downstairs to the main expo and after a quick break, decided we were both done for the day.  We ended up skipping the last session and left before the door prizes were drawn.

We left the hospital and walked hand in hand back to the car, a little exhausted from the day.  On the way home we stopped for lunch and discussed the morning.  In a way, we were thankful for visiting the hospital before checking in to deliver Evan.  I think that would have been very overwhelming to show up while in labor and seeing that place again for the first time since our last stay.  It was something that needed to happen, however it didn't make it any less painful.  Seeing all those sights just brought all our emotions back to surface.  It was a difficult experience but an important one that needed to be faced.

When we were in the car, almost home, I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.  I answered it only to learn that I had won a door prize from one of the vendors.  I was so excited to learn it was an item I had been eyeing earlier.  The booth had many hand-made items including this towel apron.  I made plans to meet up with the lady later that day to pick up my prize.   When we met up, she handed me this aqua blue towel apron with brightly colored animals on the border.  I unwrapped some of the ribbon around it and low and behold, there were little ladybugs along with the other animals.  Lillian was with us before we even knew we needed her (on the little girl's skirt)  and afterwards she sent us a gift for her little brother.  Our little angel knows exactly what we need.

Here's the little ladybug on our towel :)

For those of you wondering what a towel apron is... It's simply an apron made out of a bath towel.  You wear it when you give your kiddos a bath to protect you from getting soaked and when they're done, you scoop them up and wrap them in your towel.  Genius!

Third Trimester

Well, we did it.  We've made it to the third trimester with our rainbow baby.  Evan is doing great and growing nice and healthy.  We have started our weekly ultrasounds to ensure that he's developing and doing all he should.  His first biophysical profile went perfectly.  He showed us that he knows how to use his lungs, wiggled around, and my favorite part, showed us his luscious locks.  His hair has grown since the last time we saw him, just two weeks ago.  He hid his adorable little face but we got a peek at his pouty lips and chubby cheeks.  I'm so in love with this little man.  He has my heart already.  I know Lillian sent him to us to help us heal a little.

As we get closer to the 34 week mark, I'm needing to remind myself more and more to just take life a day at a time.  At my dr appt yesterday, my tummy measured at 34 weeks.  All I could think about is this is the size I was with Lillian.  She always measured right with the correct week. I miss her beyond words can say but in a way, being pregnant makes me close to her again.  With the feeling of closeness, it also brings sadness and grief back into the picture.  I know part of it is pregnancy hormones and regular mommy anxiety but a lot of it is from our loss.  I can't protect our children from everything and that is the most helpless feeling in the world.  So, I have to go back to our our life motto, "one day at a time".  Sometimes it's more of an hour or minute, but the most important thing is to not jump ahead.  We are at 32 weeks with our pregnancy and 16 months out from having Lillian.  That's where we have to be right now.  I can't worry about things that are out of my control.  

As of right now, we are okay.  We appreciate any prayers as we are approaching the 34 week mark and possibly facing higher anxiety.  I'm so beyond thankful to have this little miracle but I'm sooo ready for him to be here.  My body isn't exactly thrilled to be pregnant and it's been a little miserable.  I would do anything to get my baby here safely, though.  So, I will gratefully endure anything until he decides to make his debut.  I can't wait to meet Evan and I cannot wait to show him off.  I know he's so loved by so many people and he will grow up knowing that if it weren't for his sister, and all the love and support we've received, and of course, God's grace, he wouldn't be a part of our family.  We are so so very thankful for the continued support.  We are almost there!

Another post within a week?? Wow!  So, today I have a short story but it's still a good one.
It starts a couple days ago when I was feeling kinda down.  I don't know if it's the weather or what but I've been so restless lately.  I'm so ready for this baby to be here and I'm done being pregnant.  Don't take that the wrong way, I LOVE that I'm pregnant.  This baby is a blessing sent here from God and Lillian.  I'm just so ready for my son to be out here in my arms.  I've described it before as feeling like an extended pregnancy.  I spent 8 months bonding with Lillian before having to say goodbye and then move on as a mom without a child.  It's a little confusing for my heart to be pregnant again since it's such a familiar feeling, it's just unreal to believe that it will end with a baby in our arms.  If you do the math, it's like I've been pregnant about 15 months total and I'm just done.  I feel like I've put the effort in and I just want my baby here.  I was feeling that way a couple days ago when I was going against my cardinal rule of taking it a day at a time.  I was feeling overwhelmed with the thought of a possible 11 more weeks before we get to meet our little prince.  That seems like such a long time.  I was also sad because I feel so far away from Lillian.  It's been almost 16 months since we've had her with us and it's hard to move on.  I haven't had as many signs from her since I've been pregnant.  I miss her immensely and I know that this baby will bring some healing but no matter how many children we have, it will never be her.  Brian gave me a hug and reminded me that we can't worry about the future or the past.  We can just be in the moment.  I eventually took his advice and although I didn't like it, I turned my mind off.  I stopped dwelling on the time we have left and all the "what ifs" that can haunt you during pregnancy.  I did remind Lillian that I like feeling her close to me though.

Skip forward to this morning and I woke up to a couple messages from my friend on fb.  She had came across a website that had a little Ladybug mascot on it.  This little ladybug's name just happened to be "Lilly."  That was so cute.  On the page it said, "Lilly the Ladybug Finds Her New Home"

Um, Okay Lillian!  I get it!
She's telling me that she's always here with me but also, she's where she's supposed to be too.  She HAS found her new home.  So, that was really reassuring to have a sweet little message from her after I need it.  It still surprises me that I seem to get the signs and messages after I really need them.  She sees that her momma needs some love.

The second thing that my friend sent me was that she was at the store later and met a little girl wearing a ladybug raincoat and guess what her name was... Lillian.

I was speechless as I read that message.  I hadn't told anyone besides Brian that I was having a hard time a few nights ago.  It turns out that I don't need to.  Lillian sees when her mom is struggling and sends me ladybugs when I need them the most.  I am so in awe of the wonderful blessings that my daughter has brought and still brings to us.  The most important one being, her little brother.