It just occurred to me that some people may not know the final cause of why Lillian passed away. So, here's all the information that I received from my doctor and test results.
Right at delivery, I heard my doctor say that her umbilical cord was twisted off at her navel. I heard her also say that her cord was around her neck a few times. She said that she was a perfectly normally developed baby and was average size for her age. Later, after the surgery she told us that even though she can't say for sure, her instinct was that the cause was from a "cord accident." Dr. S explained to us that her umbilical cord was twisted over about three times at her navel and also had multiple twists throughout it. She said that she has seen many different variations of umbilical cords, some are thinner, some thicker, some really long, and some short. Lillian's was on the thinner end of the spectrum and our lab results stated that the length was in 97th percentile (meaning that in general population, hers was much longer than average). The fact that her cord was unusually long and small in diameter adding to that with multiple cord torsion, it resulted in her losing the vital supply of nutrients and oxygen. She was such an active baby with all of these factors, unfortunately, caused our little girl to pass away. We had to wait a couple weeks for the results from the testing of the placenta to come back. We opted not to have them do an autopsy because Dr. S advised that most of the time, nothing else shows up and we decided our little girl had simply been through enough. My doctor had to wait on a few tests to get back to make sure that there were no other factors but in the end, her gut instinct was right.
Initially at the hospital, my doctor spoke of her suspicions of what had caused it. She said that she doubted anything else would come back irregular but wanted to test to make sure we didn't have any risks for future pregnancies. She told us that she would have the results back by our two week checkup and we could discuss it then.
The two week appointment finally arrived and I was terrified. The last I heard was that Lillian passed away due to an accident, nothing could have prevented it, nothing caused it, it will not affect our future babies, and I didn't do anything wrong. This was the best case scenario given our circumstances. I needed it to be a freak accident that I didn't cause and wouldn't happen again. I remember praying and begging God that we didn't get anymore bad news. I needed some good news. I was desperate for it. We went into our appointment and my doctor told us that nothing new was found, she still believed that Lillian's death was due to a cord accident. However, she then gave us some very heartbreaking news. Since I had to get a cesarean, we would have to wait at minimum, a whole year to try again. A WHOLE YEAR!! And that was even before we could start trying. Most times it takes a while before a couple conceives and then even after that, it's another 9 months before you can meet your baby. I choked back tears when hearing this. She went on explaining that when you have a c section, the outside incision heals quickly, but the uterine scar needs a while to heal completely before getting stretched out again. The risks of not allowing for healing is a possible uterine rupture. That could lead to even more problems including, hysterectomy, fetal death, or even maternal death. I couldn't hold back the waterworks anymore. Tears spilled down my cheeks and Brian came over to me to hold me. Even though we had just lost Lillian, we discussed wanting to get pregnant again as soon as possible. Some people may not understand our wants because of what just happened to us. But, I couldn't bring Lillian back. I can't have her, I never will. But what I can do is love her and be happy for her and give her siblings. I had an intense maternal need and love for a child and no one to give it to. I can honestly say if someone had given up their baby in the hospital, I would have taken them home with me. No questions asked. I needed someone to care for. I needed to be pregnant again. And now, it was going to be a waiting process.
Yes, I know that plenty of people have gotten pregnant after a cesarean and had no problem. I've had others tell me that they too have safely delivered after getting pregnant soon after a c section. But, you have to remember that statistics mean nothing to me and Brian. We ARE the statistics. We are that tiny percent that have lost a child after we were well into the "safe zone." I would never ever do anything to cause danger to my child, even if it is breaking my own heart. I will always put the best interest of my children before myself. And in our case, it means to allow some time to go by before we bring another child into this world. I could not imagine going through anything like this every again. I definitely can't imagine going through it and it being my fault. So, here goes responsibility again. Man, I'm starting to hate that word.
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