Yep, you read that right, THREE whole years since our baby girl went to be with Jesus. In some ways I feel every second that has passed without her, in others I cannot believe it's been that long. I will say one thing, I would never ever in my wildest dreams would have thought we'd be here three years later with two beautiful boys who make my world turn. Oh how I wish I could go back to talk to myself three years back and say, "hang in there, you have so much waiting for you." I know there is a healing process and I definitely needed that time to grieve her, no matter how painful it was, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, debilitating pain. That is a pretty good summary of how we were doing back then. We were just barely surviving, doing what we had to do to get through the worst time of our life. If I had to describe our life now, I'd say we are flourishing, thriving, loving, and best of all living! We are living our life and enjoying our two beautiful boys. Brian and I see eye to eye on almost everything, we enjoy each other's company, we have the same belief in parenting, and we are totally in love. Our life isn't perfect, but we make it work. No matter what struggles that come up or how many blessings we receive in the future, we cannot change what happened in the past. Lillian is a part of our life and always will be. I would do anything in my power to get her back, but unfortunately that's not how life works. Since I have no power of her leaving us, I do everything in my power to keep her memory and spirit alive. I am the best mom to her that I know how, and that's all I can do. I mother my boys by taking care of them, showing affection, and providing for every need they have. For Lillian, I still mother her, but in a different way. We visit the cemetery every week to tell her that no matter what, she's still in our family and she is part of our lives. We make sure to decorate her marker to include her with our holidays and milestones. And lastly, we celebrate her birth. She was here, she made an impact on us, and she is very much part of our family. It's a very limited way of expressing our love, but it's what we have. We celebrate the time we had with her and the fact that she's still with us in spirit, and one day we will be reunited.
We celebrated her 3rd birthday this year by having our closest family over for dinner and cake, and we ordered flowers from the same woman who arranged her funeral flowers. It was a sweet day and I'm so thankful to be able to share her with those close to us. Later, Brian, the boys and I went to the cemetery and put up some decorations for her. It was a wonderfully beautiful day for our special little girl. Happy third birthday, Lillian. We love you!
