Bumblebee

As most of you already know, Lillian is a big sister.  I say "is" instead of "going to be" because this little baby is only 6 weeks old and as big as a sweet pea but he/she is here.  I don't believe in a certain time where a pregnancy turns into a baby.  This baby is a being and has a soul.  We have prayed many times that this little one will get to stay with us.  It is such a hard thing to describe on how I feel about the situation.  Deep down I want to believe that we deserve to have a healthy screaming baby in October, but another part of me knows that nothing in this life is guaranteed. Lillian definitely had a hand in this baby being here.  I have a wonderful testimony of how Lillian has helped this baby come into our lives.

When Brian and I decided that we were ready for our family to expand, we discussed it with Lillian.  It sounds a little bizarre but I don't really care.  I talk to my daughter like she is sitting with me because I know she can hear me.  On one of our weekly visits to the cemetery we told Lillian, "Okay baby.  Mommy and Daddy are ready for another baby.  Can you ask God for a healthy little sibling?  Soon?"
We hugged each other and went home.  Later that day, I decided that I needed to go to Goodwill.  This is such a crazy part because I just got this idea in my head that I wanted to go look for a certain piece of furniture for a project and once I got the idea, I needed to leave NOW!  I got ready and was about to leave Brian at home because he wasn't getting around fast enough.  He decided to go with me in case I needed help.  I was looking for a table for the dining room to make us a coffee bar.  When we got there, we didn't have any luck finding furniture so I decided to look through the books to see if there was anything that I couldn't live without.  I found a children's book to add to our library and then got in line to pay for it.  I was disappointed that our hunt had ended with only a book and was second guessing whether we should wait in line to buy one measly book.  I turned around to talk to Brian and the first thing I saw was a little baby cap with ladybugs all over it.  I snatched it up and showed Brian what I found.  "Look!  A ladybug hat!  Maybe it's from Lillian, for our new baby."
So I decided to wait in line and purchase my book and baby cap.  I talked to Brian on the way home and wondered aloud if this was a sign that Lillian had heard us and that she was with us and wanted a sibling too. If that's not a clear enough sign, every SINGLE day until I found out I was pregnant, I received multiple ladybugs.  I have never ever gotten multiple ladybugs every day for such a long stretch of time.  It was as if Lillian was saying, "I hear you mom and dad.  I'll be here with you until you can see for yourself."  People sent me small gifts of ladybugs, I saw them online and in books, they were just everywhere.  It was about 3 weeks straight that this went on until I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  My heart was pounding and I was in disbelief that this actually happened.  My little girl does big things.  She still amazes me on how much she continues to influence our lives.  She is such a blessing to us and I know she's so happy that she is now a big sister to a little 6 week old sweet pea named Bumblebee <3

Ladybug cap

This is how I told Brian that I was pregnant again.  His face was priceless!

Also, here's the details:  I haven't been to the doctor yet.  I will call her soon and see when she wants to see me.  Last time I talked to her she said we could come in as early as 6 weeks but I'm leaning towards waiting until the normal time of about 10 weeks.  I've calculated my due date and I'm due October 20th, which is a week before my birthday.  We found out a few days before Valentine's day and I'm due around my birthday.  Perfection.

Right here, right now

I'm getting to the point of only posting about once a month.  It's not an intentional thing but I think it is kind of an indicator of where we're at in our lives.  We are going on with her in our hearts and never letting her memory fade.  I think of her every day.  Not a day goes by without her crossing my mind multiple times.  Lately she's sent me lots of ladybugs which is keeping her close to me.  I appreciate everyone who takes time out of their days to encourage me and give me a little token that reminded them of us.  I am so thankful of you guys.  It helps me heal.  It is reassuring that others (especially those who didn't know me when Lillian was here) step forward to be supportive.  I love when I can acknowledge the fact that I do have a daughter and that others acknowledge her existence too.  That being said, if you ever want to talk to me about her, feel free to.  Some people may not know what to say in fear of making me sad.  But, that's just the opposite. All I have left is to talk about her.  It makes me happy that others care enough to mention her.  The sad part is what happened to her, I live and face that truth on a daily basis.  I have learned that you have to face things  head on if you really want to get some healing.  I've intentionally pushed myself to keep moving on, keep going forward.  I want my daughter's life to make an impact on others and maybe shed some light into the darkness that we, too often, have to face.  It has also put some perspective on things in my life.  I know that when we do receive our future healthy children, I will have even more patience.  I know how sacred these little lives are and how I would never want to take it for granted.  If I have to endure the worst pregnancy symptoms and live a miserable 9 months, I would do it in a second as long as my baby was healthy and happy.
I have also learned how wonderful my husband is.   He has seen me through the darkest time that I could ever imagine and never once batted an eye.  I know I've apologized multiple times for being "crazy" and he calmly reassures me, "Honey, you're not crazy."  He has always held me when I'm upset and will drop anything and everything to take care of me.  He tells me that I'm strongest person he's ever met, meanwhile he's the one that has watched the love of his life collapse into hysterics from a broken heart.  I couldn't even fathom being this close to my husband but since we had to endure such a devastating tragedy, I'm thankful that out of it all, we are inseparable.  He is my rock and I could never picture my life without him.  He is my hero <3

Tomorrow marks 10 months since our sweet girl was born.  I cannot believe that number.  10 months.  It feels like an eternity.  I'm so thankful that the pain is slowly fading.  Right now, we rarely shed tears or have bad days.  I think it's because we still feel her close but our hearts have accepted the fact of what our lives have become.  We are parents to a little girl with wings who loves ladybugs.  It wouldn't surprise me if she had red wings with black polka dots.  She gives us what we need to go on.  She's here with us and always will be.



I will leave you with a Valentine's present from our Lilybug....

Btw, this was the ONLY one on the rack.  I looked again and never found another.