Instincts and Intuition

I've heard many times about "maternal instincts" and women who get the "mommy sense" but I guess I didn't know much about it until I experienced it first hand.  Looking back on my pregnancy, there were different things that I feel like I did because of my mommy instincts.  For some reason at about 20 weeks, I decided to start a journal.  I wanted to remember the major milestones that we went through and writing them down seemed like a logical thing to do.  I will forever cherish this journal and my pregnancy pictures that I insisted on taking.  I hadn't known at the time how important the journal would be in the future but I did know that I wanted to be able to remember as much as possible.  I nagged asked Brian to be sure to put some of his thoughts in it too.  I left the notebook out so I could remind myself to write something at least once a week.  I am soooo glad I listened to my instincts because I will treasure this notebook forever.  I wrote about everything.  I didn't want to forget anything about my pregnancy.  The day I decided to start the journal, I had just came across a blank notebook and picked up a pen and started writing.  I think Brian was cleaning out a room for his office/man cave so I opted to stay out of the way and sat at the desk and just started writing.  I guess nothing can state it better than me just copying my entry so here it is:
" December 31, 2011
This is a journal for our first child.  I decided to write to her so she can see how much she is loved, even before she arrived.  I'm starting this journal while I'm 20 wks pregnant and daddy and I are sooo anxious!

This is the last day of 2011, I'm reminiscing on the last year.  Daddy & I have done a lot in 2011.  We've settled into our new house, got to go to Seattle, San Diego, and the Bahamas, and learned we were going to be parents!  On the day I found out I was pregnant, I was so surprised!  We knew you'd be coming anytime now but we didn't know when or how soon.  I took a pregnancy test in September and saw that it was positive.  I was so overjoyed, I didn't know what to do.  I was feeling all these different emotions at once.  I wanted to tell your dad in some special way so I paced back and forth looking for an idea but came up with nothing so I grabbed the test and ran downstairs.  I told your dad that I needed to talk to him about something and asked him to turn his game off.  He sat next to me and asked what was up and I asked him, 'Will you be the father of my child?' and then handed him the test.  He said, 'Are you pregnant?!'  I said, 'Yeah!  I think so!'  We were so excited we just hugged and cried and didn't know what to say.  Words can't express the joy that you've brought to our lives already.  We told family and friends when I was about 8 wks pregnant and had our first dr's appointment at 10 weeks.  We got to have an ultrasound and saw your little body just laying up there on the screen.  We were in awe!  you had your hand up by your face like you were waving hi to us :)  Mommy and Daddy showed your picture to everyone!  We lovingly nicknamed you our little 'sea monkey.' You jumped during the sono and it was so cute!  Your grandparents can't wait till you get here. They were bursting at the seams to tell everyone but we made them wait a couple weeks.  We wanted to make sure you were healthy.  Aunt C & K are thrilled to meet you.  You are going to be one spoiled little girl!
In my first trimester I didn't have too many symptoms.  I managed to get by without any morning sickness, wooohoo!  I did crave a lot of junk food when I was first pregnant and I was a VERY hungry lady!  A few things I crave are:  Oj, ice cream, icees, citrus fruits, salty foods, junk food like chips, pizza, burgers, and fries. YUM!  The first time I felt you kick I was on a cruise ship with dad, gma & gpa Bayes and uncle A.  I was by myself in our cabin watching t.v. when I felt a little flutter in my belly.  I smiled and talked to you.  I was so ecstatic to feel you wiggling.  I was about 14 1/2 weeks along.  They say that's early but I think it's because you are a wiggle worm.  I'm afraid that when you get here we will have our hands full!  Which brings me to our 2nd ultrasound...  I had my 2nd sono when I was 18 weeks pregnant on December 19.  I had to work that day and I could not get through that day fast enough!  It was like Christmas came early and I was getting to have a present early.  I finally got to the dr's office and met daddy there.  We went in and the technician started showing us all your different parts.  She showed us kidneys, heart, brain, head, torso, arms, legs, feet, and face.  She finally asked us if she could tell the sex, if we wanted to know what it is.  I said YES!!  It seemed like forever before she finally checked and showed us that you were a girl!  Again, I was speechless.  Daddy was so happy to have a daddy's little girl :)  I've always wanted a little girl of my own and God has blessed us with one.  I had a feeling all along that you were a girl and now I knew you were!  Time to go shopping!
*side note that I added later- I forgot to mention, all through the ultrasound, you moved sooo much.  She had to try a few times to get a good picture of your face but you had your neck bent back and face buried into the wall of my uterus.  You were wiggling around so much she had to retake some pictures.  One time she even had to jiggle my belly around to get you to move.  We just laughed at your stubbornness.  Finally, when she was about to finish up, she went back to your face and we saw your cute little nose and lips.  What a beautiful girl we have and we have pictures to prove it! *
Of course we asked if everything looked good and if you were healthy.  I want you to be healthy and happy.  She said everything looks great and measures normal.  Your heartbeat was 165.  It
seems like all the old wive's tales were true with you:
-if you carry low, it's a girl
-if the heart rate's high, it's a girl (you've been in the 160s every time)
-if you crave oj, it's a girl
-the chinese gender predictor said you would be a girl
-we tried the "ring test" and tied daddy's wedding ring to a string and held it over my belly and it did circles instead of back and forth.  They say that means it's a girl
-i had a few people insist that you were a girl
-i had a hunch ever since the beginning
-i had many dreams that you were a girl.

Needless to say, we are so happy to have a little girl join our family.
Now that we're up to date, that brings us to the present.  Mommy and daddy have been working on your nursery.  We're changing it from an office to your bedroom.  I bought a pink and brown swing and lots of clothes and diapers for you already.  I need to stop buying things since I know we have a lot more coming!  I can't wait until you get here little girl, keep growing strong!"

Phew that was a lot of writing/typing.  It makes me happy now to look back on my writing to Lillian and know how much joy we had with her here.  I'm a little saddened by the feeling of us missing out on the future we had "planned."  God had different plans for her and we are still praying daily for a sense of peace in our lives.  I can honestly say that being 2 months out, I feel a lot of comfort and peace.  More than I thought I could ever imagine to have after such a huge tragedy.  I often hear about my and my husband's strength to get through this.  What strength?  I don't have any strength.  It is God's strength that gets us through and His alone.  I rely heavily on my ever supportive husband to pull me through the hard times (which are less and less frequent) but I know that without God, we would be at a loss.  I have prayed desperately for peace in our lives and have recently started to feel His hand holding us.  I know He is here with us and that we are not alone.  I also know that Lillian is living the best life we could never provide for her.  One without sin, sadness, grief, or pain.  She will never know the sadness we feel from her loss, and this alone brings me comfort.  I do ask for continued prayers for us.  We still need everyone's support and prayers, they truly mean more to us than we could ever express.  I promise that this blog will not have a big, tear-jerking, sad ending.  This part of our lives is just a small happening in our lives.  I will not let this part of our lives define who we are and I will certainly not let her down because "Lillian's Story" is just beginning.  She will forever live in our hearts.