After lots of thought and even more effort, last night I submitted a job application to be a para in a local school.  I've been stressing and worrying about money lately.  I know God tells us not to worry but sometimes I need lots of reminders.  I had this inner struggle of us having to be extremely tight with oyr money and I can't help not to feel somewhat of the blame.  Our plan had originally been that I would stay home with our little ones until they are old enough for school and then we'll take it from there.  My husband is a very smart man and we're blessed that he has a job that can support us and allow me to raise our kids.  So, we were following the plan when I was pregnant with Lillian and I quit my substitute job about a week before we lost her.  So, ever since I've been trying my hardest to be a very supportive "housewife" while my hubby works his butt off at his job and also a side project that he has started with a few other guys and they're hoping to make a success.  That leaves me at home alone a lot of the time but surprisingly enough, I enjoy it. It sounds bad but I don't mind being at home by myself.  I put all my effort into taking care of the house, chores, groceries, and cooking.  Brian's 2 jobs at home is trash (yuck!) and mowing.  Sometimes I give him a break and just do it myself.  I want to take as much stress off his shoulders as I can.  This is why I have been beating myself up so much about getting a job.  I would be perfectly content staying at home and taking care of  everything else so Brian doesn't have to but life doesn't always work out how you plan.  No matter how much thought and planning you put into something, everything can change in a blink of an eye.  Bills keep coming, things come up, and life goes on.  I felt a weight on my shoulders and guilt that we were pretty tight on money and I was the one at home not contributing financially.  I must say that ALL of this weight that I was feeling was from my own thoughts, Brian told me that he liked me to be home and didn't really want me to get a job.  He is so amazing.  There he is pulling his weight and working on an extra project and he tells me to keep doing what is best for me.  I love him.  I still can't get passed the thought of how much money I can earn in the year (plus some) we're waiting for our next blessing to come into our family.  I could save up more money for our future kiddos, pay off more of Brian's student loans, and not have to be so tight on our budget.  I'm not really sure what we'd be doing if Lillian were here.  I do know that if I had a little one that we were "budgeting" for, going without a few things, or pinching pennies, it would be worth it.  When we lost her, anything above and beyond that pain is just salt in the wound.  I'm sure you can relate if you have someone special in your life.  You'd do anything and everything for them.  Budgeting would be no big deal, turning off the dvr wouldn't matter, not eating out anymore is doable.  But, when said person is gone, then what?  It's no longer that we're trying to budget so that I can stay at home with our baby, it's another bad thing that is hitting us while we're down.  Everything seems magnified when your already going through a tough time.  Since Lillian isn't here at home with me, we are no longer "saving" money since daycare prices are outrageous.  Plus, I went to school for early childhood development.  It would be like calling a mechanic when you know how to fix your own car.  Pointless!  So, I'm at home most days taking care of anything and everything I can but that doesn't bring an income.  I don't feel like I'm contributing enough (even though my husband insists that it's perfectly fine with him) and I finally guilted myself into working.  I think it would be a good idea anyways to make me feel like I'm doing something again.  Not only can I contribute to my family but if I work with kids again, I can make a difference in their lives.  I know the time will come when I get to be at home with my children but it's just not going to happen right now.  Right now I can do something and I refuse to sit around waiting for my future to get here.  Before we lost Lillian, I was motivated to do things in her best interest.  I always thought and considered how I can make her life better in the future.  This is exactly how I'm making my decisions for our future children.  How can I make it go by easier for our next one?  I live for my children, even though they're not with me yet.