It has been entirely too long since I've written on here. Not a single day goes by without me thinking of Lillian, she is very much a big part of our lives. I tell her every single day that I love her and miss her. It's difficult to describe the love you have for a person that you've never met. I'm sure some people think I talk about her too much or should be "over" it a little more by now but that will never be the case. I will never be over it and I will never stop talking about her. She has made me the person I am today and has brought us so many blessings, including her little brother. I've said it before and I will tell him when he's older, if it weren't for her, he wouldn't be with us right now.
I have been bumping right along in my pregnancy (pun intended). Evan should be right around a pound right now and has been practicing his karate on a daily basis. It's such a nice time in pregnancy because I can feel him multiple times throughout the day and it's reassuring that he's still doing well and growing nice and strong. In fact, as I'm typing he just kicked me and my belly just moved. I love this little man so much already. I have to admit that as I was entering the stage of him moving, it was emotional. It brought back all those times Lillian would move around and do flips in my tummy. It stirred up emotions in me that included sadness, fear, anxiety, and joy. It is a very confusing time to be pregnant after a stillbirth. Even though I'm "in the clear" at 23 weeks, Brian and I know better, there's no such thing. We do what we can and are getting through it alright. We pray for his health and safety every day. We talk to him and let him know how much he's loved and how we can't wait until he's here (which is the understatement of the century).
Many people have commented on us already having names picked out already for this baby. If you remember, we didn't have Lillian's name picked out until after we found out that she passed away. It was my gut that just didn't feel right giving her a name. Later, I realized it was because God had a name picked out for her, it just wasn't given to us. All I knew at the time is that it didn't feel right. So, we had a wonderful story about how we came about her name but this time, it seemed like there wasn't as much "divine intervention" involved. Boy was I wrong.
Brian and I had discussed baby names one day. If I remember right it was even before we were expecting this one. We (well maybe it's more "I") decided that it would be neat if all of our kids' names ended with an "n". So no one is left out. We came across a girl's name pretty quickly and we both agreed on it. I had to look through a few boys' names before I found the one that we chose, Evan. It means, "God is gracious." I thought that was very fitting. We agreed on the middle name, "Scott" since both my dad and father in law have that as their middle name. Honestly, I didn't think we'd need this name yet since I was convinced this baby was a girl. It was a HUGE surprise when we had our ultrasound and there was our little Evan who so obviously was NOT a girl! (oops!) So, at our gender reveal party, we announced that we were having a boy and his name is Evan. Everyone was so happy and grateful to hear we had a healthy baby boy on the way.
A little backstory...I blogged about my uncle here, a while back. Reread the post if you need a refresher. He was a great man that passed away last October. He is dearly missed but we are assured is in Heaven with our little ladybug angel and many others who are awaiting our arrival.
Okay, back to the story. It took me a good two weeks before it dawned on me that Evan's name was practically my uncle's last name. Duh! This pregnancy brain is hard to keep running sometimes. I realized it in a passing thought one day and made a mental note to message my aunt sometime about it. Well, it took me a while later when I was at my parent's house to realize that Evan is due mid-October, which is the same time that my uncle passed away last year. That was such an obvious correlation that I couldn't ignore. God was giving our family a gift of life in honor of one we lost. I sent my aunt a message on Father's Day to let her know I was thinking about their family. I wanted to encourage her some so I decided to let her in on my realization behind our son's name. I told her that I believe that Evan was a gift for our family to show us that even in the darkest hour, God will conquer all. He is with us and has His hand over all of us. I told her that I believe that God gave us the name "Evan" in honor of my uncle and that he was due the same time that my uncle went to be with the Lord. She replied that she was tearing up because she felt like God had spoken to her before we even knew the gender of our baby. She thought that God was telling her that our little bumblebee was a boy, and get this, would have Billy's name! I couldn't believe what I was reading! I was choking up and tears were streaming down my face. We both received the same message, but at different times. I didn't discuss it with her till at least a month later but we both had the same reassurance. It just reaffirmed it for both of us, though. God is great and I cannot begin to fathom how much he loves us. His plan always has me guessing, but he's always faithful.
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