Wow it's been so busy lately. I miss blogging on a regular basis but I feel like I've run out of stories to share. I have been doing pretty good in pregnancy so far. I've felt pretty good for the most part but more recently have had intense back pain. I've started going back to my chiropractor to remedy that, so hopefully I'll be on the mend soon. Emotionally, I've been doing far better than I ever anticipated. We've prayed over and over that this pregnancy wouldn't be filled with anxiety and fear. I dreaded going through the next pregnancy before we were expecting, but am somewhat surprised how smoothly the first 25 weeks has gone. I do have my moments that are harder than others. I think being pregnant brings up so many memories and emotions about Lillian that aren't avoidable. I remember the excitement we had when I started to show and how thrilled we were to have a little girl joining us soon. A piece of my heart will always be with her, it breaks for the loss of someone so precious. I think in my mind, I have some doubts or fears, but my heart knows that our son will be here safe and sound. The hardest part is having him here and not both of our children.
My mind works differently these days. I've often wondered things about our future that most don't have to think about. My poor innocent little baby will grow up knowing about death. He will learn early on about his perfect older sister who is with Jesus. I didn't have an experience with loss until I was in my teens. I will have to face the questions of why part of our family isn't here. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. As a parent, the most important thing that you want to do is to protect your children. Protect them from pain and the harsh world. It's heartbreaking for me to think how we have to expose our other kids to such sadness at such an early age. But, on the other hand, I wouldn't exclude Lillian from our family. Ever. I'm saddened to have to explain to her siblings that she's not with us, but I don't feel there is any other option. She's their big sister and always will be. I never thought that we'd ever have to contemplate subjects such as this but this is what hand we were dealt, so we will do our best.
Part of me is trying to be thankful of where we are at in this pregnancy. I'm at 25 weeks and baby has been moving on a regular basis. I think we've gotten this far without any major anxiety because we've focused on where we were at and not how much further there is to go. We've spent time in prayer, asking God to be with us as we get through another pregnancy and we of course have pleaded with him that this baby get to stay with us. The other half of me is ready for him to be born. I know this isn't an option because we still have about 12 weeks left until he's considered full term and I want him to be healthy! But, if I could, I would jump ahead to October and skip right to the delivery. I long for my baby to be here and my heart is so ready to be a mommy to someone I can cuddle and love on.
For the most part, my pregnancy symptoms have been almost identical. I have had back pain, round ligament pains, annoying gag reflex, and no morning sickness!! The babies have had a little bit of different personalities, though. Lillian was so sporadic with her movements and it was pretty random. She'd be busy one day and calm the next. Evan is more laid back. His movements are pretty consistent and I can tell his sleep schedule. It reassures me that he has a routine. I can tell that he wakes up every few hours, wiggles around, and then goes back to sleep. I think he's going to be like his daddy, pretty chill. I'm okay with that. Brian thinks that Lillian was a little high strung, like her momma :P I'm okay with that too. I love my little mini-me.
There has been a few differences when it's come to decisions for me. I'm not at a point that I want to do the nursery. It is hard for me to think about how much we worked in that room for Lillian. I had everything set up for her and it was perfect and then all of the sudden it was empty. Currently, I have all of her stuff downstairs in storage and Evan's stuff in the nursery. I've bought him quite a few things but can't bring myself to organizing it. I asked my wonderful family if that could be their gift to us, putting the nursery together. They are more than happy to do so. I also asked that my baby showers wait until Evan was here. I want it to be a "Welcome Baby Celebration". It's hard for me to get excited about him being here and make a big fuss over cute outfits and blankets when he's not here yet. I don't mind getting gifts for him but it seems a little overwhelming to have all attention on me at a party. I guess I don't have my head wrapped around this completely because my reasoning is a little random. All I know, is that I just want him here. I will party with everyone else when he is here! I just have to get there first. Maybe part of it is because our "code" in getting through this is taking it a day at a time. As the days slowly tick by, that's one day crossed off my calendar, one day closer to seeing my baby boy. Setting up the nursery or having a baby shower kind of goes against that code. It's jumping ahead to the end, which is against the rules for us. Weird, I know, but it works for us.
In a couple days, I have a drs appointment. I will have a glucose screening, an ultrasound, and a regular appointment. It is also the same day that marks 15 months since Lillian was born. That is just incredible to me. My heart still longs for my daughter but it doesn't hurt as deeply as it has before. My wound is healing but there will always be a piece missing. I think Evan will bring even more healing and joy to our lives. Even though this pregnancy has stirred up the feelings of sadness and pain, he has brought happiness and hope. I'm so thankful for this little man who will live up to his name. He will show us that God truly is gracious.
No comments:
Post a Comment