The days are on my calendar are slowly getting crossed off.  As I mark an "X" on the day of the calendar that we're on, I take comfort in the fact that we are one day closer to meeting our baby boy.  We are getting there.  I can't believe that we're actually in this moment.  We are at 28 weeks today and my heart is so full of love for the son we haven't met yet.  I want nothing more than to protect this innocent little being with all that I have and I know that it's not up to me.  That's the hardest thing I've had to come to terms with I think.  Ultimately, I can't control what goes on in his life even though he's in me.  I can however, control myself and how we approach obstacles.  I can choose to pray for his safety and that God will hold us in the good AND bad times.  I can show Evan how much our heavenly father loves us and that no matter what, He will always be there for us.  I can love my baby and talk to him and meet him where he's at right now, which is about 2 pounds and growing.  I'm in a sappy mood right now so I suppose this will be a sappy post.  Currently, my son is running on my emotions because he's kicking the tar out of me.  He's giving me the extra love that I need.  He is filling my heart with the love that I've been missing and my mommy mode is kicking back in.  As I suspected early on, as soon as the excitement started kicking in, so would the emotions.  In the beginning of this pregnancy, I was so very thankful but I couldn't bring myself to get excited.  I was just getting by and focusing on the day to day stuff.  As we moved along, I slowly started to realize what this all entailed.  We still just take life a day at a time but as I feel my baby wiggling around, it's hard to ignore the fact that his due date is coming sooner than later.  I feel so extremely blessed to have this little miracle growing inside of me but sometimes the feelings of happiness and joy are accompanied with sadness, anxiety, and the bittersweet realization of what we are missing with dear Lillian.  I've said it many, many times, I don't think our daughter is missing a single thing in life. Not one single thing.  We are the ones who are missing out.  I do find comfort in the fact that she will never hurt or long for me.  She doesn't know pain or the feeling of being without her momma.  She has the overall picture of what exactly life entails.  In the blink of an eye, her mom and the rest of her family will join her for eternity.  However, on the flip side, we on earth don't have this perspective.  A lifetime is such a long time to be away from your child.  It hurts me everyday to have a piece of my heart gone.  I want to stress to all those who have also lost a loved one, we are making it, but it's not easy.  I try my hardest to show our life for what it truly is.  Sometimes it's awful, stressful, draining, and exhausting, but it can also be strengthening, healing, joyful, and calm.  There's so much that goes along with grief but the most important thing that we try to remember is just trust God.  He is our rock and strength.  I do not know how anyone copes without a relationship with Him.  There would be no hope.  I would say that if I had to sum up how I'm doing right now with this pregnancy I would say that we are doing pretty well overall.  I'm not anxious at all, I haven't had many breakdowns, and I'm still just content with being at 28 weeks.  We are slowly getting there and it is wonderful.
This little guy is bringing around happiness in a place that hasn't seen it in a while.  He is lighting up our family's lives already and making his daddy especially happy.  I love watching Brian's face gleam with pride when he's holding my tummy and feeling the little bumps.  It fills my heart with joy to see my partner experience the joys of parenthood again.  We recently got to see Evan in a 3d ultrasound.  I was speechless to see his perfect little face and his adorable pouty lips.  I wonder if he will resemble his sister at all.  I looked at Lillian's ultrasounds and saw that she has the big pouty lip like her brother.  I know that when I kiss him, I will be sending a kiss to heaven to our sweet girl.  I know she knows the devout love we feel for her and she makes her love known to us all the time.  I will always miss her being in our life but will never forget the impact she has made and continues to make in our lives.  All her siblings will know that there is one very special girl looking out for them.