Patience is a Virtue

I can't help but feel sad now that I've come to the "end" of Lillian's story.  I know her story will continue but I know that I won't have enough stories to blog every day.  The views on the page have dropped some and  I'm having a hard time with it slowing down.  This blog gives my baby a purpose.  As long as I talk about her, she stays real.  I fear that she'll slowly slip out of our lives and it brings tears to my eyes at the thought.  I know, I know, it's a ridiculous thought and that could never happen but I hate change.  I don't want to think about a time where Lillian isn't talked about as much or remembered as a part of our family.  I know that in the future, it will be different than it is now.  It hopefully will be better but I know one thing's for certain, it will be different.  It's hard to deal with the thought of change whether it be good or bad.  Which brings me back to today.  I'm still writing in my blog but I've finished the story of when Lillian was here with us and it is so fitting for our lives because I'm asking myself, "Now what?"  Now what do I write about?  What do I do?  Should I get a job?  Where do I get a job?  Should I stay at home and heal?  Can I help someone else?  WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I DO NOW??  This question has been plaguing me for a few weeks now.  I feel like I've had a good time to deal with my pain and although sometimes I feel like my emotions are unpredictable, I've grown used to the fact that this is my new normal.  I've tried my best to stay stable and keep looking forward to what God's plan is for us but it seems as if now I'm at a standstill.  I know God doesn't take breaks, I know He's here with us, but sometimes I feel like I'm sitting here waiting for a bus that's never going to come.  I've been taking it day by day and sometimes minute by minute in order to reach short term goals and now I feel like I'm at the place that I was striving for all along.  So, now what do I do?  I recently decided to keep an eye out for job opportunities but that is a very difficult task seeing as how I don't know what I want to do.  Should I take it easy or should I go for something a little more challenging to keep myself busy?  GAH!  All the questions rolling around in my head these days are a little overwhelming.  I've been praying for God to let me know what to do next.  Surely He knows I'm not patient right?? I'm a planner, I need to know these things asap!  I'm trying to be patient but "patient" is not a word in my dictionary.  It seems like a word that God's trying to write in there though.  I have to be patient and wait for the day that I can become a mom again.  I have to wait to meet my firstborn daughter.  I am stuck in a rut and I feel as I'm typing this that God's putting the word "patience" on my heart.  I'm trying God!  I keep praying for this patience, as I hear it's a virtue, but it is not a natural reaction that's for sure.  I pray and pray that God will bless us and after all these struggles, we can be closer to Him in the process.  Hopefully, in the long run, we will be blessed abundantly and will look back on these times and be able to appreciate all life has given us.  Please keep us in your prayers as we still have our hard times and bad days.  In the mean time, we're getting by and I'm learning a new word.  Patience.