The days are on my calendar are slowly getting crossed off. As I mark an "X" on the day of the calendar that we're on, I take comfort in the fact that we are one day closer to meeting our baby boy. We are getting there. I can't believe that we're actually in this moment. We are at 28 weeks today and my heart is so full of love for the son we haven't met yet. I want nothing more than to protect this innocent little being with all that I have and I know that it's not up to me. That's the hardest thing I've had to come to terms with I think. Ultimately, I can't control what goes on in his life even though he's in me. I can however, control myself and how we approach obstacles. I can choose to pray for his safety and that God will hold us in the good AND bad times. I can show Evan how much our heavenly father loves us and that no matter what, He will always be there for us. I can love my baby and talk to him and meet him where he's at right now, which is about 2 pounds and growing. I'm in a sappy mood right now so I suppose this will be a sappy post. Currently, my son is running on my emotions because he's kicking the tar out of me. He's giving me the extra love that I need. He is filling my heart with the love that I've been missing and my mommy mode is kicking back in. As I suspected early on, as soon as the excitement started kicking in, so would the emotions. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I was so very thankful but I couldn't bring myself to get excited. I was just getting by and focusing on the day to day stuff. As we moved along, I slowly started to realize what this all entailed. We still just take life a day at a time but as I feel my baby wiggling around, it's hard to ignore the fact that his due date is coming sooner than later. I feel so extremely blessed to have this little miracle growing inside of me but sometimes the feelings of happiness and joy are accompanied with sadness, anxiety, and the bittersweet realization of what we are missing with dear Lillian. I've said it many, many times, I don't think our daughter is missing a single thing in life. Not one single thing. We are the ones who are missing out. I do find comfort in the fact that she will never hurt or long for me. She doesn't know pain or the feeling of being without her momma. She has the overall picture of what exactly life entails. In the blink of an eye, her mom and the rest of her family will join her for eternity. However, on the flip side, we on earth don't have this perspective. A lifetime is such a long time to be away from your child. It hurts me everyday to have a piece of my heart gone. I want to stress to all those who have also lost a loved one, we are making it, but it's not easy. I try my hardest to show our life for what it truly is. Sometimes it's awful, stressful, draining, and exhausting, but it can also be strengthening, healing, joyful, and calm. There's so much that goes along with grief but the most important thing that we try to remember is just trust God. He is our rock and strength. I do not know how anyone copes without a relationship with Him. There would be no hope. I would say that if I had to sum up how I'm doing right now with this pregnancy I would say that we are doing pretty well overall. I'm not anxious at all, I haven't had many breakdowns, and I'm still just content with being at 28 weeks. We are slowly getting there and it is wonderful.
This little guy is bringing around happiness in a place that hasn't seen it in a while. He is lighting up our family's lives already and making his daddy especially happy. I love watching Brian's face gleam with pride when he's holding my tummy and feeling the little bumps. It fills my heart with joy to see my partner experience the joys of parenthood again. We recently got to see Evan in a 3d ultrasound. I was speechless to see his perfect little face and his adorable pouty lips. I wonder if he will resemble his sister at all. I looked at Lillian's ultrasounds and saw that she has the big pouty lip like her brother. I know that when I kiss him, I will be sending a kiss to heaven to our sweet girl. I know she knows the devout love we feel for her and she makes her love known to us all the time. I will always miss her being in our life but will never forget the impact she has made and continues to make in our lives. All her siblings will know that there is one very special girl looking out for them.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Hope and healing
Wow it's been so busy lately. I miss blogging on a regular basis but I feel like I've run out of stories to share. I have been doing pretty good in pregnancy so far. I've felt pretty good for the most part but more recently have had intense back pain. I've started going back to my chiropractor to remedy that, so hopefully I'll be on the mend soon. Emotionally, I've been doing far better than I ever anticipated. We've prayed over and over that this pregnancy wouldn't be filled with anxiety and fear. I dreaded going through the next pregnancy before we were expecting, but am somewhat surprised how smoothly the first 25 weeks has gone. I do have my moments that are harder than others. I think being pregnant brings up so many memories and emotions about Lillian that aren't avoidable. I remember the excitement we had when I started to show and how thrilled we were to have a little girl joining us soon. A piece of my heart will always be with her, it breaks for the loss of someone so precious. I think in my mind, I have some doubts or fears, but my heart knows that our son will be here safe and sound. The hardest part is having him here and not both of our children.
My mind works differently these days. I've often wondered things about our future that most don't have to think about. My poor innocent little baby will grow up knowing about death. He will learn early on about his perfect older sister who is with Jesus. I didn't have an experience with loss until I was in my teens. I will have to face the questions of why part of our family isn't here. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. As a parent, the most important thing that you want to do is to protect your children. Protect them from pain and the harsh world. It's heartbreaking for me to think how we have to expose our other kids to such sadness at such an early age. But, on the other hand, I wouldn't exclude Lillian from our family. Ever. I'm saddened to have to explain to her siblings that she's not with us, but I don't feel there is any other option. She's their big sister and always will be. I never thought that we'd ever have to contemplate subjects such as this but this is what hand we were dealt, so we will do our best.
Part of me is trying to be thankful of where we are at in this pregnancy. I'm at 25 weeks and baby has been moving on a regular basis. I think we've gotten this far without any major anxiety because we've focused on where we were at and not how much further there is to go. We've spent time in prayer, asking God to be with us as we get through another pregnancy and we of course have pleaded with him that this baby get to stay with us. The other half of me is ready for him to be born. I know this isn't an option because we still have about 12 weeks left until he's considered full term and I want him to be healthy! But, if I could, I would jump ahead to October and skip right to the delivery. I long for my baby to be here and my heart is so ready to be a mommy to someone I can cuddle and love on.
For the most part, my pregnancy symptoms have been almost identical. I have had back pain, round ligament pains, annoying gag reflex, and no morning sickness!! The babies have had a little bit of different personalities, though. Lillian was so sporadic with her movements and it was pretty random. She'd be busy one day and calm the next. Evan is more laid back. His movements are pretty consistent and I can tell his sleep schedule. It reassures me that he has a routine. I can tell that he wakes up every few hours, wiggles around, and then goes back to sleep. I think he's going to be like his daddy, pretty chill. I'm okay with that. Brian thinks that Lillian was a little high strung, like her momma :P I'm okay with that too. I love my little mini-me.
There has been a few differences when it's come to decisions for me. I'm not at a point that I want to do the nursery. It is hard for me to think about how much we worked in that room for Lillian. I had everything set up for her and it was perfect and then all of the sudden it was empty. Currently, I have all of her stuff downstairs in storage and Evan's stuff in the nursery. I've bought him quite a few things but can't bring myself to organizing it. I asked my wonderful family if that could be their gift to us, putting the nursery together. They are more than happy to do so. I also asked that my baby showers wait until Evan was here. I want it to be a "Welcome Baby Celebration". It's hard for me to get excited about him being here and make a big fuss over cute outfits and blankets when he's not here yet. I don't mind getting gifts for him but it seems a little overwhelming to have all attention on me at a party. I guess I don't have my head wrapped around this completely because my reasoning is a little random. All I know, is that I just want him here. I will party with everyone else when he is here! I just have to get there first. Maybe part of it is because our "code" in getting through this is taking it a day at a time. As the days slowly tick by, that's one day crossed off my calendar, one day closer to seeing my baby boy. Setting up the nursery or having a baby shower kind of goes against that code. It's jumping ahead to the end, which is against the rules for us. Weird, I know, but it works for us.
In a couple days, I have a drs appointment. I will have a glucose screening, an ultrasound, and a regular appointment. It is also the same day that marks 15 months since Lillian was born. That is just incredible to me. My heart still longs for my daughter but it doesn't hurt as deeply as it has before. My wound is healing but there will always be a piece missing. I think Evan will bring even more healing and joy to our lives. Even though this pregnancy has stirred up the feelings of sadness and pain, he has brought happiness and hope. I'm so thankful for this little man who will live up to his name. He will show us that God truly is gracious.
My mind works differently these days. I've often wondered things about our future that most don't have to think about. My poor innocent little baby will grow up knowing about death. He will learn early on about his perfect older sister who is with Jesus. I didn't have an experience with loss until I was in my teens. I will have to face the questions of why part of our family isn't here. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. As a parent, the most important thing that you want to do is to protect your children. Protect them from pain and the harsh world. It's heartbreaking for me to think how we have to expose our other kids to such sadness at such an early age. But, on the other hand, I wouldn't exclude Lillian from our family. Ever. I'm saddened to have to explain to her siblings that she's not with us, but I don't feel there is any other option. She's their big sister and always will be. I never thought that we'd ever have to contemplate subjects such as this but this is what hand we were dealt, so we will do our best.
Part of me is trying to be thankful of where we are at in this pregnancy. I'm at 25 weeks and baby has been moving on a regular basis. I think we've gotten this far without any major anxiety because we've focused on where we were at and not how much further there is to go. We've spent time in prayer, asking God to be with us as we get through another pregnancy and we of course have pleaded with him that this baby get to stay with us. The other half of me is ready for him to be born. I know this isn't an option because we still have about 12 weeks left until he's considered full term and I want him to be healthy! But, if I could, I would jump ahead to October and skip right to the delivery. I long for my baby to be here and my heart is so ready to be a mommy to someone I can cuddle and love on.
For the most part, my pregnancy symptoms have been almost identical. I have had back pain, round ligament pains, annoying gag reflex, and no morning sickness!! The babies have had a little bit of different personalities, though. Lillian was so sporadic with her movements and it was pretty random. She'd be busy one day and calm the next. Evan is more laid back. His movements are pretty consistent and I can tell his sleep schedule. It reassures me that he has a routine. I can tell that he wakes up every few hours, wiggles around, and then goes back to sleep. I think he's going to be like his daddy, pretty chill. I'm okay with that. Brian thinks that Lillian was a little high strung, like her momma :P I'm okay with that too. I love my little mini-me.
There has been a few differences when it's come to decisions for me. I'm not at a point that I want to do the nursery. It is hard for me to think about how much we worked in that room for Lillian. I had everything set up for her and it was perfect and then all of the sudden it was empty. Currently, I have all of her stuff downstairs in storage and Evan's stuff in the nursery. I've bought him quite a few things but can't bring myself to organizing it. I asked my wonderful family if that could be their gift to us, putting the nursery together. They are more than happy to do so. I also asked that my baby showers wait until Evan was here. I want it to be a "Welcome Baby Celebration". It's hard for me to get excited about him being here and make a big fuss over cute outfits and blankets when he's not here yet. I don't mind getting gifts for him but it seems a little overwhelming to have all attention on me at a party. I guess I don't have my head wrapped around this completely because my reasoning is a little random. All I know, is that I just want him here. I will party with everyone else when he is here! I just have to get there first. Maybe part of it is because our "code" in getting through this is taking it a day at a time. As the days slowly tick by, that's one day crossed off my calendar, one day closer to seeing my baby boy. Setting up the nursery or having a baby shower kind of goes against that code. It's jumping ahead to the end, which is against the rules for us. Weird, I know, but it works for us.
In a couple days, I have a drs appointment. I will have a glucose screening, an ultrasound, and a regular appointment. It is also the same day that marks 15 months since Lillian was born. That is just incredible to me. My heart still longs for my daughter but it doesn't hurt as deeply as it has before. My wound is healing but there will always be a piece missing. I think Evan will bring even more healing and joy to our lives. Even though this pregnancy has stirred up the feelings of sadness and pain, he has brought happiness and hope. I'm so thankful for this little man who will live up to his name. He will show us that God truly is gracious.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Evan's name
It has been entirely too long since I've written on here. Not a single day goes by without me thinking of Lillian, she is very much a big part of our lives. I tell her every single day that I love her and miss her. It's difficult to describe the love you have for a person that you've never met. I'm sure some people think I talk about her too much or should be "over" it a little more by now but that will never be the case. I will never be over it and I will never stop talking about her. She has made me the person I am today and has brought us so many blessings, including her little brother. I've said it before and I will tell him when he's older, if it weren't for her, he wouldn't be with us right now.
I have been bumping right along in my pregnancy (pun intended). Evan should be right around a pound right now and has been practicing his karate on a daily basis. It's such a nice time in pregnancy because I can feel him multiple times throughout the day and it's reassuring that he's still doing well and growing nice and strong. In fact, as I'm typing he just kicked me and my belly just moved. I love this little man so much already. I have to admit that as I was entering the stage of him moving, it was emotional. It brought back all those times Lillian would move around and do flips in my tummy. It stirred up emotions in me that included sadness, fear, anxiety, and joy. It is a very confusing time to be pregnant after a stillbirth. Even though I'm "in the clear" at 23 weeks, Brian and I know better, there's no such thing. We do what we can and are getting through it alright. We pray for his health and safety every day. We talk to him and let him know how much he's loved and how we can't wait until he's here (which is the understatement of the century).
Many people have commented on us already having names picked out already for this baby. If you remember, we didn't have Lillian's name picked out until after we found out that she passed away. It was my gut that just didn't feel right giving her a name. Later, I realized it was because God had a name picked out for her, it just wasn't given to us. All I knew at the time is that it didn't feel right. So, we had a wonderful story about how we came about her name but this time, it seemed like there wasn't as much "divine intervention" involved. Boy was I wrong.
Brian and I had discussed baby names one day. If I remember right it was even before we were expecting this one. We (well maybe it's more "I") decided that it would be neat if all of our kids' names ended with an "n". So no one is left out. We came across a girl's name pretty quickly and we both agreed on it. I had to look through a few boys' names before I found the one that we chose, Evan. It means, "God is gracious." I thought that was very fitting. We agreed on the middle name, "Scott" since both my dad and father in law have that as their middle name. Honestly, I didn't think we'd need this name yet since I was convinced this baby was a girl. It was a HUGE surprise when we had our ultrasound and there was our little Evan who so obviously was NOT a girl! (oops!) So, at our gender reveal party, we announced that we were having a boy and his name is Evan. Everyone was so happy and grateful to hear we had a healthy baby boy on the way.
A little backstory...I blogged about my uncle here, a while back. Reread the post if you need a refresher. He was a great man that passed away last October. He is dearly missed but we are assured is in Heaven with our little ladybug angel and many others who are awaiting our arrival.
Okay, back to the story. It took me a good two weeks before it dawned on me that Evan's name was practically my uncle's last name. Duh! This pregnancy brain is hard to keep running sometimes. I realized it in a passing thought one day and made a mental note to message my aunt sometime about it. Well, it took me a while later when I was at my parent's house to realize that Evan is due mid-October, which is the same time that my uncle passed away last year. That was such an obvious correlation that I couldn't ignore. God was giving our family a gift of life in honor of one we lost. I sent my aunt a message on Father's Day to let her know I was thinking about their family. I wanted to encourage her some so I decided to let her in on my realization behind our son's name. I told her that I believe that Evan was a gift for our family to show us that even in the darkest hour, God will conquer all. He is with us and has His hand over all of us. I told her that I believe that God gave us the name "Evan" in honor of my uncle and that he was due the same time that my uncle went to be with the Lord. She replied that she was tearing up because she felt like God had spoken to her before we even knew the gender of our baby. She thought that God was telling her that our little bumblebee was a boy, and get this, would have Billy's name! I couldn't believe what I was reading! I was choking up and tears were streaming down my face. We both received the same message, but at different times. I didn't discuss it with her till at least a month later but we both had the same reassurance. It just reaffirmed it for both of us, though. God is great and I cannot begin to fathom how much he loves us. His plan always has me guessing, but he's always faithful.
I have been bumping right along in my pregnancy (pun intended). Evan should be right around a pound right now and has been practicing his karate on a daily basis. It's such a nice time in pregnancy because I can feel him multiple times throughout the day and it's reassuring that he's still doing well and growing nice and strong. In fact, as I'm typing he just kicked me and my belly just moved. I love this little man so much already. I have to admit that as I was entering the stage of him moving, it was emotional. It brought back all those times Lillian would move around and do flips in my tummy. It stirred up emotions in me that included sadness, fear, anxiety, and joy. It is a very confusing time to be pregnant after a stillbirth. Even though I'm "in the clear" at 23 weeks, Brian and I know better, there's no such thing. We do what we can and are getting through it alright. We pray for his health and safety every day. We talk to him and let him know how much he's loved and how we can't wait until he's here (which is the understatement of the century).
Many people have commented on us already having names picked out already for this baby. If you remember, we didn't have Lillian's name picked out until after we found out that she passed away. It was my gut that just didn't feel right giving her a name. Later, I realized it was because God had a name picked out for her, it just wasn't given to us. All I knew at the time is that it didn't feel right. So, we had a wonderful story about how we came about her name but this time, it seemed like there wasn't as much "divine intervention" involved. Boy was I wrong.
Brian and I had discussed baby names one day. If I remember right it was even before we were expecting this one. We (well maybe it's more "I") decided that it would be neat if all of our kids' names ended with an "n". So no one is left out. We came across a girl's name pretty quickly and we both agreed on it. I had to look through a few boys' names before I found the one that we chose, Evan. It means, "God is gracious." I thought that was very fitting. We agreed on the middle name, "Scott" since both my dad and father in law have that as their middle name. Honestly, I didn't think we'd need this name yet since I was convinced this baby was a girl. It was a HUGE surprise when we had our ultrasound and there was our little Evan who so obviously was NOT a girl! (oops!) So, at our gender reveal party, we announced that we were having a boy and his name is Evan. Everyone was so happy and grateful to hear we had a healthy baby boy on the way.
A little backstory...I blogged about my uncle here, a while back. Reread the post if you need a refresher. He was a great man that passed away last October. He is dearly missed but we are assured is in Heaven with our little ladybug angel and many others who are awaiting our arrival.
Okay, back to the story. It took me a good two weeks before it dawned on me that Evan's name was practically my uncle's last name. Duh! This pregnancy brain is hard to keep running sometimes. I realized it in a passing thought one day and made a mental note to message my aunt sometime about it. Well, it took me a while later when I was at my parent's house to realize that Evan is due mid-October, which is the same time that my uncle passed away last year. That was such an obvious correlation that I couldn't ignore. God was giving our family a gift of life in honor of one we lost. I sent my aunt a message on Father's Day to let her know I was thinking about their family. I wanted to encourage her some so I decided to let her in on my realization behind our son's name. I told her that I believe that Evan was a gift for our family to show us that even in the darkest hour, God will conquer all. He is with us and has His hand over all of us. I told her that I believe that God gave us the name "Evan" in honor of my uncle and that he was due the same time that my uncle went to be with the Lord. She replied that she was tearing up because she felt like God had spoken to her before we even knew the gender of our baby. She thought that God was telling her that our little bumblebee was a boy, and get this, would have Billy's name! I couldn't believe what I was reading! I was choking up and tears were streaming down my face. We both received the same message, but at different times. I didn't discuss it with her till at least a month later but we both had the same reassurance. It just reaffirmed it for both of us, though. God is great and I cannot begin to fathom how much he loves us. His plan always has me guessing, but he's always faithful.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Bumblebee...... BOY!
A few weeks ago I had my appointment with our 18 week ultrasound. I was so ready to know if we had another little girl joining our family or if I would break the 4 generation streak of all girls with the first boy. We learned that we are, in fact, breaking records. Bumblebee is a healthy little boy!
Now, here's a super cool story. My gma cut this out of the paper and saved it for me. I thought it was cute and I hung it up on my fridge. The pic says "Mommy, is this a ladybug or a gentlemanbug?" I didn't notice until I was looking at it yesterday that the date was the same exact day we found out the sex of Bumblebee. Lillian sent this to us without a doubt!
The day of our appointment was surprisingly uneventful. I was of course so ready to find out but it hadn't quite hit me that we were going that day. I've said it before, but we take life as it comes. The morning of our appointment, I went about my work like normal and didn't think about it too much. That all changed once it was time to leave and go to my doctor's. I walked out the door and I called Brian. I was so giddy!! In less than an hour, we'd know! Brian met me at home so we could ride together and he was just as psyched. We had a nice, talkative drive up to the doctor's office and we could barely contain our excitement. I checked in a little early and within about 15 minutes, our favorite ultrasound tech poked her head around the corner and called my name! I hopped out of my seat and followed her to the back. She asked, "So, are we finding out the sex today?" In which I eagerly responded, "YES!" I told her that we had a party planned right afterwards so I hoped baby would cooperate. She told us that she wouldn't let us leave without finding out, especially since we've got a party waiting for us at home.
We went into the dark little room which houses a reclining bed, a fancy computer, a big t.v. and some chairs. I assumed my position and anxiously waited for her to squirt the warm goo on my tummy. As soon as she put the wand down, it was in the PERFECT position to see the goods. She said, "Oh, I think we're going to be able to find out right now actually!" YAYAYAYAYAY, the moment I've been waiting for! So, she moved it around a little bit and got a good angle and she didn't even have to say anything, we could see plain as day. The first thing that popped out of my mouth was, "Oh my gosh... That's a thing!!" She laughed at me and said, "Yup, it's a little boy!" I was in complete shock. Like, seriously, utter shock. I was sure that it was a little girl and called him a "she" up unto that point. Sorry little guy! Brian just laughed at me. All that ran through my head was how much shopping I needed to do. We have everything pink at our house. Our little boy couldn't wear any of Lillian's clothes. So much shopping to do!
Our little son was so precious. After seeing the "goods", we saw his heartbeat and feet and of course his sweet little face. He was all curled up and didn't want to show us much more than that. She couldn't get all the measurements that she needed because he was so shy. At one point, the tech said, "Uhh, how's your bladder?" I said, "I need to pee!!" They told me to come in with a full bladder but I guess I was an overachiever because it was blocking the view to his face. She let me go empty my bladder in hopes that we'd be able to see him better. When I came back, we couldn't see him a whole lot better. We got some good pictures and since I'll have more ultrasounds later, they can get those measurements later on.
All the sudden, I remembered about the little blood collection. I asked her about it and if the blood was still there. She said that it was gone and that it must have dissolved. Praise God!! I knew it wasn't anything to worry about but it sure felt good to hear that it was gone. I walked out of that appointment with Brian holding one hand and the pictures of our son in the other. I probably still had a look of shock on my face but all that mattered was that our little baby was healthy. I was such a happy momma!
The little hand is pointing right to his little parts.
Evan means "God is gracious"
Scott is my dad's and father in law's middle name
My favorite pic!
I can't wait to kiss these little toes
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Oh, how He loves us so.
I've been meaning to post this story for a while now, but life is taking off without me. A quick update: We're at 17 weeks this week and I'm feeling pretty good still. I have started experiencing the same back pain I had with Lillian, that is not pleasant. I have many uncomfortable symptoms showing up more and more lately but I don't mind one bit. Whatever it takes to get this baby here healthy and happy in October, I'll do it.
Okay, now for the real story. It all started a few weeks ago when I attended a women's night out at our church. The fact that I was even at the event was a little surprising, considering I wasn't able to attend the original date. Brian and I had Lillian's memorial day on the original date that the women's night was scheduled. There was a conflict in the scheduling so after I declined an invite to the dinner, I was happy to learn that the night was rescheduled to a later date. I bought a ticket at one of the tables and showed up ready for a night out of the house. The guest speaker was great, such a sweet woman of God and her story was so touching. I enjoyed having some "girl time", eating a delicious dinner, and listening to a very powerful testimony, but little did I know that God had something big planned for that night.
As I listened to this woman pour her heart out and share her personal life with a bunch of strangers, I couldn't help but feel a connection. She spoke about her background, family, and trials throughout her life. Then, she mentioned her career. She pointed over to some beautifully painted portraits and said that she is an artist. There was this little moment of clarity in my head. It was as if there was some sort of light bulb as I had the sudden realization that I was supposed to be there tonight.
A little back story...
Last year, after we had Lillian, I had a passing thought that someday I may have someone paint a picture of her for us. We have photographs of her but those pictures aren't who she is. Those photos captured the remnants of her soul and being after she left this earth. Even when I look at those pictures today, the first thought that enters my head is, "That's not my daughter." No, I'm not in denial. I've seen my daughter and how she is now. She is beautiful, happy, and perfect. These images of her body after she's passed are not who she is. The same reason we didn't spend much time visiting her when I delivered her is the same reason we choose not to share her pictures with everyone. It isn't her and it's not how I want her remembered. But, if we could have someone try to paint her, that would be different! I would proudly display that in my home and show it off to anyone and everyone who would pay attention. The problem was, if I were to want someone to paint her, I'd have to request that. And how do you ask a complete stranger to look at a picture of your baby who's passed away and try to paint them as if they're alive? That would be a little bit of an oddball request. Not to mention, I would have to completely trust whomever we asked because this is our daughter. I wouldn't blame someone for denying the request since it would be extremely difficult to fulfill such a task. So, last year I let that passing thought go since there would be a whole mess emotions wound up in this idea. Okay... fast forward back to women's night.
So, this little voice in my head reminded me of my passing thought of a year ago about having a portrait of our little angel and the same voice was saying, "This is her. This is who you need to talk to." I've learned to listen to the little voice, my daughter has helped me realize that there are some things in life that you can't deny. This voice is one of them. I was a little hesitant, only because of the fact that if I were to go up and talk to her afterwards, I was going to be a mess. I knew I'd start bawling at her and seem like a crazy lady. I still had a little time before I had to worry about that though, she was still speaking and there were a few door prizes on the table to give away.
Speaking of the door prizes, there was another little miracle in the making. There were roughly 100-150 women there that night and maybe about 20 door prizes to give away. Everyone in the room bought one ticket to attend the dinner and all those tickets were in a basket. The names were being picked from that basket to determine who the lucky winners were. There were about 10 prizes left by the end of the night and I saw one gift bag that contained a Scentsy wax warmer and a little stuffed duck inside it. When I saw that bag, the same voice I "heard" earlier said, "That's for you." It's hard to describe but I wasn't praying or wishing for the prize, I just knew it was mine. It was just fact. (Sorry if I seem a little crazy, God works in supernatural ways and sometimes when you try to explain it, it's borderline crazy :P) So, I continued listening and visiting and low and behold, at the end of the night, they called my name for that gift bag. It was so awesome but yet it wasn't surprising since I already "knew" it was mine. When my name was called, it was another confirmation that I needed to talk to this woman. The little feeling I got telling me about the door prize, was also telling me to go talk to her after she's done.
The night came to a close and anyone was invited to stick around and visit. *Sigh* This is my chance, I don't know what I'm going to say but I do know that there will be tears involved, but oh well. Here goes nothing. I put my gift bag in my seat and went and found a pen so I could exchange emails with her. I waited in line for a few minutes and was trying to think of what to say when she turned to me and smiled. I introduced myself and thanked her for sharing her story. I then asked if we could exchange emails since I had a request for her. I started trying to tell my story in the shortest way possible but I didn't get very far into it before the tears came. I felt so overwhelmed with emotion after realizing all of the things that had to come together for our paths to cross. This predicament couldn't be better. I have a christian woman who has faced trials and loss in her life and who's also an artist. Who better could God have chosen than her? I tried my best to explain my request and still seem sane. I'm not sure how much sense I was making at that point. I must have put a few coherent thoughts together because after a quick prayer, hugs, and exchanged emails, I made my way back to my seat. I tried to gather my stuff up as quick as possible and get to the car. I knew I was going to lose it when I got there but I had to get there first.
I called Brian when I got into my car and started bawling all over again. I tried to do my best to explain the situation but as he told me later, he "was not mentally prepared for that phone call." Haha! I love my man. In the midst of our chaotic life, he still makes me laugh. On my way home, I talked to him and recalled the night's events. I told him about the speaker, her story, her being an artist, the gift bag, and the whole night. I pulled into the drive and got off the phone. I grabbed my gift bag and for the first time really looked at it. The warmer that was in there was called "Valentine" Oh wow!! We found out that we were expecting this baby a few days before Valentine's day and made our "official" announcement to the public on Valentine's day. That's awesome! I told everyone that we found out around Valentine's day and I'm due around my birthday. This baby is the perfect gift for both! So, if I hadn't had enough at that point, I read the little card tied on to the bag. It read: "I'm sending this angel to watch over you in times of great trouble or stress, to wrap it's wings around you and whisper these words with the love of a friend- You Are Blessed"
You guys, I totally lost it. Ugly cry!! I came in the door and Brian was doing his best to calm down his hysteric, pregnant wife. I was trying to tell him about the little card but he was trying to tell me to lay down and take it easy. I was saying, "Noooo, you have to read this! It's from Lillian!" Poor guy. He took the gift bag from me and was trying to do anything to calm my psychotic self. That whole night was just overwhelming. I couldn't fathom all of the things that God had to put into motion for all this to happen. All of this was for me. The only way I can explain it is overwhelming.
If all of that wasn't enough, I learned that this was the first time that our wonderful speaker has spoken publicly about her story in 5 years. Thankfully, she obeyed the calling she had to do this event and I was able to attend. And still, even more incredible, I realized later that this door prize wasn't originally intended to be a door prize. I recognized it from the last event that Brian and I attended at the church. It was at the silent auction that we were at a few weeks prior and it just so happened that no one purchased it. That little duck was supposed to be for Bumblebee and this gift basket was for me. I love love love it!
It's hard to believe that had this night not been rescheduled, I would have missed this all. Now can you see why I was so overwhelmed by God's greatness? His love is wonderful and even in my flaws and imperfections, He loves me and goes to great lengths to show it.
Okay, now for the real story. It all started a few weeks ago when I attended a women's night out at our church. The fact that I was even at the event was a little surprising, considering I wasn't able to attend the original date. Brian and I had Lillian's memorial day on the original date that the women's night was scheduled. There was a conflict in the scheduling so after I declined an invite to the dinner, I was happy to learn that the night was rescheduled to a later date. I bought a ticket at one of the tables and showed up ready for a night out of the house. The guest speaker was great, such a sweet woman of God and her story was so touching. I enjoyed having some "girl time", eating a delicious dinner, and listening to a very powerful testimony, but little did I know that God had something big planned for that night.
As I listened to this woman pour her heart out and share her personal life with a bunch of strangers, I couldn't help but feel a connection. She spoke about her background, family, and trials throughout her life. Then, she mentioned her career. She pointed over to some beautifully painted portraits and said that she is an artist. There was this little moment of clarity in my head. It was as if there was some sort of light bulb as I had the sudden realization that I was supposed to be there tonight.
A little back story...
Last year, after we had Lillian, I had a passing thought that someday I may have someone paint a picture of her for us. We have photographs of her but those pictures aren't who she is. Those photos captured the remnants of her soul and being after she left this earth. Even when I look at those pictures today, the first thought that enters my head is, "That's not my daughter." No, I'm not in denial. I've seen my daughter and how she is now. She is beautiful, happy, and perfect. These images of her body after she's passed are not who she is. The same reason we didn't spend much time visiting her when I delivered her is the same reason we choose not to share her pictures with everyone. It isn't her and it's not how I want her remembered. But, if we could have someone try to paint her, that would be different! I would proudly display that in my home and show it off to anyone and everyone who would pay attention. The problem was, if I were to want someone to paint her, I'd have to request that. And how do you ask a complete stranger to look at a picture of your baby who's passed away and try to paint them as if they're alive? That would be a little bit of an oddball request. Not to mention, I would have to completely trust whomever we asked because this is our daughter. I wouldn't blame someone for denying the request since it would be extremely difficult to fulfill such a task. So, last year I let that passing thought go since there would be a whole mess emotions wound up in this idea. Okay... fast forward back to women's night.
So, this little voice in my head reminded me of my passing thought of a year ago about having a portrait of our little angel and the same voice was saying, "This is her. This is who you need to talk to." I've learned to listen to the little voice, my daughter has helped me realize that there are some things in life that you can't deny. This voice is one of them. I was a little hesitant, only because of the fact that if I were to go up and talk to her afterwards, I was going to be a mess. I knew I'd start bawling at her and seem like a crazy lady. I still had a little time before I had to worry about that though, she was still speaking and there were a few door prizes on the table to give away.
Speaking of the door prizes, there was another little miracle in the making. There were roughly 100-150 women there that night and maybe about 20 door prizes to give away. Everyone in the room bought one ticket to attend the dinner and all those tickets were in a basket. The names were being picked from that basket to determine who the lucky winners were. There were about 10 prizes left by the end of the night and I saw one gift bag that contained a Scentsy wax warmer and a little stuffed duck inside it. When I saw that bag, the same voice I "heard" earlier said, "That's for you." It's hard to describe but I wasn't praying or wishing for the prize, I just knew it was mine. It was just fact. (Sorry if I seem a little crazy, God works in supernatural ways and sometimes when you try to explain it, it's borderline crazy :P) So, I continued listening and visiting and low and behold, at the end of the night, they called my name for that gift bag. It was so awesome but yet it wasn't surprising since I already "knew" it was mine. When my name was called, it was another confirmation that I needed to talk to this woman. The little feeling I got telling me about the door prize, was also telling me to go talk to her after she's done.
The night came to a close and anyone was invited to stick around and visit. *Sigh* This is my chance, I don't know what I'm going to say but I do know that there will be tears involved, but oh well. Here goes nothing. I put my gift bag in my seat and went and found a pen so I could exchange emails with her. I waited in line for a few minutes and was trying to think of what to say when she turned to me and smiled. I introduced myself and thanked her for sharing her story. I then asked if we could exchange emails since I had a request for her. I started trying to tell my story in the shortest way possible but I didn't get very far into it before the tears came. I felt so overwhelmed with emotion after realizing all of the things that had to come together for our paths to cross. This predicament couldn't be better. I have a christian woman who has faced trials and loss in her life and who's also an artist. Who better could God have chosen than her? I tried my best to explain my request and still seem sane. I'm not sure how much sense I was making at that point. I must have put a few coherent thoughts together because after a quick prayer, hugs, and exchanged emails, I made my way back to my seat. I tried to gather my stuff up as quick as possible and get to the car. I knew I was going to lose it when I got there but I had to get there first.
I called Brian when I got into my car and started bawling all over again. I tried to do my best to explain the situation but as he told me later, he "was not mentally prepared for that phone call." Haha! I love my man. In the midst of our chaotic life, he still makes me laugh. On my way home, I talked to him and recalled the night's events. I told him about the speaker, her story, her being an artist, the gift bag, and the whole night. I pulled into the drive and got off the phone. I grabbed my gift bag and for the first time really looked at it. The warmer that was in there was called "Valentine" Oh wow!! We found out that we were expecting this baby a few days before Valentine's day and made our "official" announcement to the public on Valentine's day. That's awesome! I told everyone that we found out around Valentine's day and I'm due around my birthday. This baby is the perfect gift for both! So, if I hadn't had enough at that point, I read the little card tied on to the bag. It read: "I'm sending this angel to watch over you in times of great trouble or stress, to wrap it's wings around you and whisper these words with the love of a friend- You Are Blessed"
You guys, I totally lost it. Ugly cry!! I came in the door and Brian was doing his best to calm down his hysteric, pregnant wife. I was trying to tell him about the little card but he was trying to tell me to lay down and take it easy. I was saying, "Noooo, you have to read this! It's from Lillian!" Poor guy. He took the gift bag from me and was trying to do anything to calm my psychotic self. That whole night was just overwhelming. I couldn't fathom all of the things that God had to put into motion for all this to happen. All of this was for me. The only way I can explain it is overwhelming.
If all of that wasn't enough, I learned that this was the first time that our wonderful speaker has spoken publicly about her story in 5 years. Thankfully, she obeyed the calling she had to do this event and I was able to attend. And still, even more incredible, I realized later that this door prize wasn't originally intended to be a door prize. I recognized it from the last event that Brian and I attended at the church. It was at the silent auction that we were at a few weeks prior and it just so happened that no one purchased it. That little duck was supposed to be for Bumblebee and this gift basket was for me. I love love love it!
It's hard to believe that had this night not been rescheduled, I would have missed this all. Now can you see why I was so overwhelmed by God's greatness? His love is wonderful and even in my flaws and imperfections, He loves me and goes to great lengths to show it.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Lillian's Memorial Party
A couple weeks ago, we had the memorial party for Lillian. I wish I could have had a huge celebration with anyone who wanted to be there but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. My emotions were a little touchy these days and I didn't want a big group of people when I didn't know how the day would go. We opted instead for our close family to come over for lunch and to plant some flowers. It was a sweet day. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. The cake turned out better than I could have pictured and the flowers were exactly what we wanted. There were ladybugs everywhere. I ordered a container of live ladybugs and had planned for the release after the garden was finished but little did I know that Lillian had already sent us some. The container of ladybugs was left inside while we went out to do some work. All over the backyard everyone was finding ladybugs. They were just crawling all over the yard. We were walking around and it was as if they were swarming our backyard. It was so perfect. I haven't seen any ladybugs in the yard since that day. Of course we still did our release of the container of ladybugs later on. That was almost magical. We all held out our hands and poured some ladybugs into them. They crawled around for a bit and then when they flew off, they just went up and away. It was almost as if they went straight to Heaven. The day was perfect. Everyone was so helpful and the garden looks so nice. The weather was so nice out and allowed for us to comfortably celebrate and remember our daughter.
Although this was a perfect day, it was not how I envisioned my little girl's first birthday party. I remember even thinking about having her first birthday when I was pregnant with her. I wish more than anything that this party could have been different. I wish we were all surrounding a high chair watching a blue-eyed, brown-haired little girl making a mess of her cake and trying to figure out how to rip open presents. Those were my dreams for her. Life doesn't always go how we plan. We've learned to accept things how they come and rely on God to get us through. This horrible tragedy could have broke me, my husband, and our marriage. We didn't let that happen though. It did break our hearts, maybe even our spirit, but we didn't let it break our faith. God has worked great things from Lillian's life, and still continues to do so. This new baby wouldn't be here if it weren't for Lillian. I will always hold that close to my heart. Even though life doesn't go how you have "planned" it to, God is still right there. He is working in our lives in more ways than we know.
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| Our perfect cake |
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| We ordered fresh flowers to match the arrangement on her casket |
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| Everyone getting started |
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| Maybe this was a break :) |
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| Ladybug release |
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| Mom, Dad, and a ladybug. |
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| Part of the finished garden |
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| We later added mulch to finish up |
Although this was a perfect day, it was not how I envisioned my little girl's first birthday party. I remember even thinking about having her first birthday when I was pregnant with her. I wish more than anything that this party could have been different. I wish we were all surrounding a high chair watching a blue-eyed, brown-haired little girl making a mess of her cake and trying to figure out how to rip open presents. Those were my dreams for her. Life doesn't always go how we plan. We've learned to accept things how they come and rely on God to get us through. This horrible tragedy could have broke me, my husband, and our marriage. We didn't let that happen though. It did break our hearts, maybe even our spirit, but we didn't let it break our faith. God has worked great things from Lillian's life, and still continues to do so. This new baby wouldn't be here if it weren't for Lillian. I will always hold that close to my heart. Even though life doesn't go how you have "planned" it to, God is still right there. He is working in our lives in more ways than we know.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Little Miracles
Pregnancy has still been treating me well. Everything is going really smoothly and I couldn't ask for anything more. Today marks 12 weeks which is also the end of the first trimester, a wonderful milestone to hit for sure. Every little step of the way, we will be celebrating these little accomplishments. I know that God has his hand over this baby and He provides us peace especially when we need it the most.
Physically I've been doing well but emotionally it's been a little draining. When Lillian passed away, we first had to learn to cope with it and make any sense that we could. Then after a while, reality had set in and and we accepted our new norm. Our baby was in Heaven and we would think of her often but we were far enough away from the situation that reality didn't sting as much. Well now, ever since we've found out we're expecting, it's been a daily reminder of our last pregnancy. It's hard to describe, but every little thing is a reminder of Lillian and how she was here once. Every time Brian leans down to talk to baby, it throws me back in time to when he did that with Lillian. When he reads Bumblebee books every night, I think about the books we used to read to her. When I subconsciously lay my hand on my tummy, I'm taken back to Lillian's kicks and punches. Everything reminds me of her. Every. Single. Thing.
Most of the time, it's nice. I like to remember her and think of her. Especially since I know she is aware of it. Too many times I've thought, "I wonder if Lillian is with me? Even here?" And every time, she'll let me know that she's there! Most of the time it's wonderful, sometimes it's heartbreaking. I miss her. I wish I could have her here. When I'm having a hard day, I can experience emotions as if it just happened. It's bizarre how easy I can be back in that place of devastation. A loss is not something you "get over", you just learn how to deal with it. A combination of the daily reminders from this pregnancy, my hormones, and the anniversary of her death approaching has been tough on me. One day last week I remember telling Lillian, "I love you Lillian." and then blew her a kiss. "I wish I could give you real kisses. Every time I kiss baby, I will be sending you one too."
A few nights after saying that was one of my "rough nights". All of the emotions that I've experienced with her loss came flooding back to me. It was sadness on top of anxiety on top of grief on top of worry. It was not pretty. All these thoughts entered my head. Literally what went through my mind was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions and I was just beat. All the thoughts put together looked like this: "I miss my daughter, I want her back, I wish I could have saved her, I just want her back, What if this baby isn't okay, What if we can't find a heartbeat, How am I supposed to make it through the rest of this pregnancy, I can't do this!!!" All of these things were going through my mind but it wasn't that organized. It was more like they hit me all at once and I was a wreck. Brian just holds me when I get like that. He is everything I could ever ask for and never knew I would need. I am showing you the honest and true side of grief because I don't want people to think it's ever easy. It's okay to be distraught and devastated. I could never imagine that this would be our life and that we would face such big obstacles. Now that I'm here, I want to do my part to influence others in a positive light. I AM okay only because of God's love. Without the reassurance of His presence and the fact that she's in His care, I would not be okay. I wouldn't even come close. So, onto the point of this story. You didn't think I was just gonna write this depressing post and leave it at that did you? No, I wouldn't do that. That isn't the way God works. He conquers all in the end and this story has a happy ending.
So, just like every other meltdown, Brian says a prayer over us. We always ask for the peace that covers us and helps us get through life. When I went to bed that night, I was exhausted and had no problems falling asleep. When I woke up the next morning, I didn't want to open my eyes. I closed my eyes and was trying so hard to relive my dream and see every detail that I could. My dream was wonderful. It was sweet and everything I needed... In my dream, I was in my bed and I was holding Lillian. She was the age she would be right now (almost 1). She was the spitting image of me! I remember thinking that I have to show everyone her picture because she looks just like I did when I was little. I had her in my arms and facing me and she was just grinning at me. I knew in my dream that she recognized who I was. She knew I was her mommy. Such a happy baby and I was squeezing her so tight. Now, here's the reason I woke up with tears in my eyes... I was kissing her. I kissed her cheeks and her face and I'd pull back and look at her face and see her smile. Then I'd do it again. She just looked at me and was so joyful. I kissed her and kissed her and kissed her. That was it. That was all I needed. It wasn't just a dream, it was a vision God gave me because I desperately needed it. I needed to know my daughter was alright. Awesome story right? It's not over! The next day was the first time I felt Bumblebee move and KNOW without a doubt that it was baby. BOTH of my babies, in their own way, let me know that they are okay. I needed that so much. God knows our hearts and our pain. He also knows better than we do. I trust that He will provide everything we ever need and more. He knew that I needed my little miracles to reassure me in their own little way.
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