Monday, May 12, 2014
My Mother's Day was just fabulous. I can't say anything extravagant or spectacular occurred, but it was my favorite so far! My first Mother's Day was only a month after losing Lillian. I can safely say that will be my worst Mother's Day of my life. My family took special care to acknowledge the fact that I'm still a mommy, but it was still just heartbreaking. My second Mother's Day, I was about 4 months pregnant with Evan. I loved being a mommy to two precious babies, but neither were in my arms! This year, I got to celebrate with the sweetest, snuggliest, most handsome guy around. He was my favorite gift! We also had our dedication at church this day, which just makes the day even more special. I got to stand alongside my husband and introduce our son to the church and pledge to raise our child to love God and raise him up to know Christ. All of our family came to support us and pray over us, which was such a bittersweet moment. I wholly know that one of the hands laid on us was from Evan's big sister. We never got a ceremony to dedicate her to God, mostly because she doesn't need one. She is with Him! We couldn't raise her to know Him near as well as she does now. She's the one teaching us! I had such a sweet time with family and am so grateful for the wonderful moms in my life. I'm especially grateful for the little girl who made me a mom. She has and will always hold a piece of my heart.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
2 Years Old!
Yeah, you read that right. Our baby girl isn't a baby anymore! It's so unbelievable that our precious baby girl is 2 years old!! I realize that outside our realm of time, she isn't literally two years old. But since I have no clue how time works in heaven, she is a bouncing, bubbly 2 year old in my mind. I like to believe she had the most wonderful ladybug birthday party in heaven, and one of these days I'm going to hear all about it. Brian, Evan, and I celebrated her birthday by spending the day together. Brian took off work so he could spend some time with us. One of the traditions I started last year was ordering flowers from the same woman who arranged her funeral flowers. She is a wonderful woman whom God placed in our path when we needed her the most. We brought Evan by the shop to show him off and picked up our lily arrangement, which was beautiful. Afterwards, we got lunch and then took a balloon out to the cemetery. It was a very sweet and lovely day that I got to spend with the people that make my world turn. Before bed that night, I looked up at the sky and told my daughter I loved her and to stay close to momma. I also asked her to please send me more ladybugs. I need them!
My little girl works in funny ways. No matter what I'm expecting or wanting, I always seem to learn a lesson of patience. I would have loved nothing more than to have a day full of ladybugs all over. I had wanted her birthday to be a day of reassurance and understanding that no matter what, she is still present with us. So, I may have been a little discouraged when I didn't get a single one on her birthday. NOT ONE! The next day we had a memorial day for our close family and I did end up seeing one, maybe two that day. It was also a lovely day spent remembering and honoring a special girl who will always have a place in our family. My family is awesome and didn't find it a bit odd when I asked them to come over for a memorial day for her. Everyone showed up and supported us just as they always do, and I love them so much for it. The next day, however was a ladies night at our church. It was something I was looking forward to but I definitely didn't expect it to have anything to do with Lillian. We sat down to a delicious dinner and then later had a guest speaker who had a very good message that was refreshing, yet hard to stomach all in one.
On our way in to the sanctuary, I grabbed my sister and the arm and said, "Oh look! That bag is so cute!" Sure enough, this girl had a gift bag that had ladybugs all over it. I didn't really think much of it until later. I should have known that my baby girl was gonna sneak into this wonderful message and open my eyes to something I needed to work on. We found our seats and waited for the guest speaker to share her story with us. As this very wonderful woman of God took the stage and started speaking, she mentioned forgiveness. I sat there intently listening to her message as she said, "...I forgive you, now you need to forgive yourself" As she said that, it was like I could breathe a little easier. I could feel God's presence and He was telling me, "This part, listen to this". I don't know how to describe how you feel when you know God is near. It was loud and clear: I needed to forgive myself. No "ifs" or "buts" about it. I have always carried this "mommy guilt" around. You know, that guilt that "if only..." you were to do this or "I should have" done that. I definitely had major mommy guilt with Lillian. You can tell me until you're blue in the face that it wasn't preventable and that it was only a freak accident, but in the back of my mind there's that mommy guilt that doesn't budge. Well, I sat in church realizing that the ladybug bag was to get my attention as if to say, "Pay attention to this, mommy!" I knew exactly what she was referring to. I needed to forgive myself. I let it go right then and there. It wasn't necessarily a tear-jerking, gut-wrenching, kneel down and bawling moment. I had a realization and simply just handed it over to God. I can't carry the burden of our loss on my shoulders and the feeling that I could have done something different. I choose to pass that along and will not let it weigh me down anymore.
I love that my little girl has done it again. She never fails to make her momma proud. I may not get my ladybugs right away, or even in the way I picture, but she does send them in her time. I absolutely love my special connection to heaven and being close to her is all I could ask for.
My little girl works in funny ways. No matter what I'm expecting or wanting, I always seem to learn a lesson of patience. I would have loved nothing more than to have a day full of ladybugs all over. I had wanted her birthday to be a day of reassurance and understanding that no matter what, she is still present with us. So, I may have been a little discouraged when I didn't get a single one on her birthday. NOT ONE! The next day we had a memorial day for our close family and I did end up seeing one, maybe two that day. It was also a lovely day spent remembering and honoring a special girl who will always have a place in our family. My family is awesome and didn't find it a bit odd when I asked them to come over for a memorial day for her. Everyone showed up and supported us just as they always do, and I love them so much for it. The next day, however was a ladies night at our church. It was something I was looking forward to but I definitely didn't expect it to have anything to do with Lillian. We sat down to a delicious dinner and then later had a guest speaker who had a very good message that was refreshing, yet hard to stomach all in one.
On our way in to the sanctuary, I grabbed my sister and the arm and said, "Oh look! That bag is so cute!" Sure enough, this girl had a gift bag that had ladybugs all over it. I didn't really think much of it until later. I should have known that my baby girl was gonna sneak into this wonderful message and open my eyes to something I needed to work on. We found our seats and waited for the guest speaker to share her story with us. As this very wonderful woman of God took the stage and started speaking, she mentioned forgiveness. I sat there intently listening to her message as she said, "...I forgive you, now you need to forgive yourself" As she said that, it was like I could breathe a little easier. I could feel God's presence and He was telling me, "This part, listen to this". I don't know how to describe how you feel when you know God is near. It was loud and clear: I needed to forgive myself. No "ifs" or "buts" about it. I have always carried this "mommy guilt" around. You know, that guilt that "if only..." you were to do this or "I should have" done that. I definitely had major mommy guilt with Lillian. You can tell me until you're blue in the face that it wasn't preventable and that it was only a freak accident, but in the back of my mind there's that mommy guilt that doesn't budge. Well, I sat in church realizing that the ladybug bag was to get my attention as if to say, "Pay attention to this, mommy!" I knew exactly what she was referring to. I needed to forgive myself. I let it go right then and there. It wasn't necessarily a tear-jerking, gut-wrenching, kneel down and bawling moment. I had a realization and simply just handed it over to God. I can't carry the burden of our loss on my shoulders and the feeling that I could have done something different. I choose to pass that along and will not let it weigh me down anymore.
I love that my little girl has done it again. She never fails to make her momma proud. I may not get my ladybugs right away, or even in the way I picture, but she does send them in her time. I absolutely love my special connection to heaven and being close to her is all I could ask for.
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| daddy and evan at cemetery |
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| such a cutie! |
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| mommy and evan |
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| our ladybug cake |
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| beautiful lily and ladybug flower arrangement |
Friday, March 14, 2014
I rarely find time to sit down and collect my thoughts anymore (go figure). I feel a little guilty that I don't blog as much as I'd like, but I have to remind myself that blogging does not equate to how much I love my daughter. Like I have said multiple times, I think of Lillian every day. I try to picture what she would look like, how she would be as a big sister, and if she would have Brian's dimples like Evan does. I cannot believe how much I can see her in Evan. Last week, I leaned over the bassinet and watched Evan as he slept. All at once a sadness swept over me as I saw my sweet baby girl's face in his. His sweet little upturned lips looked exactly like hers did when we held her almost two whole years ago. I cried because I missed my daughter, I cried because I love my son, I cried because I wanted them both here together. I still miss her immensely. I have to remind myself that in the times of my self pity and sadness, it wasn't meant for them both to be together. It never was in God's plan for my two children to be with us at the same time. If our sweet little baby girl had stayed here on Earth with us, Brian and I would have never decided to have another child so soon after a cesarean. Since she went to be with Jesus, we both had a strong urge to be parents as soon as we felt it safe. That's where Evan comes in. He's only here because Lillian couldn't be, and she sent us this perfect little guy to mend our broken hearts. He has been the BEST healing we could ask for. Only Evan can make me smile through the tears with his big, gummy, drooly grins and huge dimples. I tell him about his big sissy every so often and always mention how much she loves him. It may seem silly but I think he's seen her. I like to think that she is around us every day and that he catches glimpses of her throughout our day. I pray that he will come to love her just as much as we do. She holds such a huge part of our hearts.
I don't know the extent of how we will keep her in our lives and in her siblings lives. I just know that I want her to be present. I imagine we will just continue to parent just as we've been living our lives these past two years, whatever feels right. One thing I do know, this is what we needed. God has been with, carried, surrounded, and comforted us throughout this whole time. I would not have chosen this path for us to take, but I will use our story to lead others to Christ and teach our children how their older sister helped us to see our way through.
I don't know the extent of how we will keep her in our lives and in her siblings lives. I just know that I want her to be present. I imagine we will just continue to parent just as we've been living our lives these past two years, whatever feels right. One thing I do know, this is what we needed. God has been with, carried, surrounded, and comforted us throughout this whole time. I would not have chosen this path for us to take, but I will use our story to lead others to Christ and teach our children how their older sister helped us to see our way through.
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| I can't get over those big blue eyes! |
Monday, January 20, 2014
*Disclaimer* I wrote this post 2 whole months ago and didn't get a chance to finish it and am just now sitting down to finish writing (oops). I need to write another post on what Evan's doing now at 4 months. I promise I will not wait as long anymore :(
Wow, it has been entirely too long since I've tapped these keys for a blog post. Our little man is 2 months now! Every day, I fall in love with him a little more. Even though I only saw Lillian for a few minutes, (by choice) I see her in him all the time. They share the same chubby cheeks, wrinkled head, and beautiful pouty lips. It is such a blessing for him to have some resemblance to her so I can see a flicker of her as he grows.
A little bit of an update Evan: He is doing fabulous. He does struggle with colic and acid reflux but we are doing our best to help every way we can. He's been going to a chiropractor and we have already noticed a change. It's helped his attitude even, since he's not so uncomfortable. His new trick is smiling! I LOVE seeing that big, gummy grin. I also love the fact that he's got his daddy's dimples, so precious! He does have a little bit of a ornery side, as he likes to flip us the bird on a daily basis. I find it quite amusing for the time being :) I love every second of being his mommy and can't wait to see what else he has in store for us.
Back to our birth story...
I left off talking about our fav nurse ever. That was my absolute favorite part of labor/delivery, of course that's not including getting to hold my baby. It was just as if God was saying, "I'm here." I knew that once again He sent our angel to take care of us.
After reuniting with our nurse and reminiscing about our little angel baby, we had to get on with business. I remember telling my nurse that we do not do things very easy. Our last pregnancy was completely devastating and this one was fine up until they found an abnormality and then it was panic time. We got checked in and went through the million routine questions and waited for the doctors to come in. After a little bit of chit-chat, it was finally time for my test. I was having an amniocentesis, which is basically extracting some of the amniotic fluid from my tummy by using a big needle. It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't really the worst thing ever. It did kinda stink that the first time they stuck me, Evan moved into the way so they had to take it out and redo it. They extracted some fluid and sent it off to be tested to see if baby's lungs were developed. We assumed that they would be but as luck would have it, the test came back "inconclusive." Great. I was so lost at that point. The test coming back inconclusive meant that my doctor couldn't technically induce me. The medical "red tape" has guidelines that you have to abide by in order to be eligible to be induced. Basically, my wonderful dr was trying to find any way around sending me home. Because, at that point, her hands were kind of tied. The problem was that Evan's umbilical vein issue was not really critical, but it's so rare that there was not a lot of documentation on it. It was explained to me that the times that it had been monitored in other cases, it has lead to infant fatality (although it was not a high number of those cases, it was still a very real possibility). Since it's extremely rare, there hasn't been a whole lot of research on it. Everyone agreed that the risk of him being born a little early was minimal compared to the risk of him remaining in the womb. I could not go home and have peace of mind that he would be alright. There's really no way of monitoring that condition to be sure he was alright. The biggest risk of him to make an early appearance would be that he may have slight breathing issues, but as far along as he was, there wasn't a huge concern. My doctor did all she could to "naturally" induce me (basically without breaking the water or using meds.) Apparently it worked because within the hour, I was dilated from a 1 to a 3. She could now admit me to the hospital and break my water to help speed things along. I was so relieved to be admitted to the hospital because I knew that I was in good hands and our baby boy would be born soon. But, I also knew that I had a big task ahead of me and I was NOT mentally prepared for it!
It was quite a loong night that night. I was admitted at 3:00 on Thursday afternoon and delivered him at 8:30 the next morning. I tried my hardest to get things moving along on my own, but my body just was not ready. I needed some help progressing so I was put on meds that would speed up labor and contractions were not very nice to me! I was nauseated and shaky around midnight when I finally decided to get my epidural. It was my hope that I could sleep a little bit that night and save my energy for the big finale. That didn't go as planned either. Sometime around 1 or 2 a.m. my nurse came in and told me that the baby's heart rate was dropping with every contraction and that if it were going to continue to do so, it could mean a cesarean. I was definitely NOT having that! I sat up in bed and Brian and I prayed through every single contraction that baby would be protected and that he wouldn't have any stress on him. When Brian got so tired that he fell asleep, I continued praying through the night. I watched Evan's heart rate monitor and I think it maybe dropped only twice after that. I was so thankful that God was protecting him. I really really didn't want to have to deal with recovering from surgery. I think a lot of it had to do with our past delivery. I really wanted this experience to be completely different from our first. I couldn't really be too delighted to meet our little guy when one, I'm in the middle of a major surgery, and two, it just reminded me of our last experience. Well, God heard our cries and pleas for protection over our son because I had no more issues with labor after that. It was 6 or 7 in the morning when my nurse came in and told me that I was good to go and could have the baby within the hour. Phew! I was so thankful but so utterly exhausted. I remember Brian coming over to my side and cheerfully saying, "This is it! We're about to have a baby!" I'm pretty sure I replied with, "Shut up." Yeah, you read that right. My cranky self had been up all night going through all these pokes and prods and contractions and I just wasn't exactly seeing sunshine and rainbows yet. I was annoyed that we weren't about to have a baby, I was! My hubby kinda chuckled at me and took it all in stride. He knew it was just the lack of sleep talking. I had been up for over 24 hours at that point while he had gotten some cat naps in. When everyone started filing in and all the stuff started getting prepped, I was thinking to myself, "Okay, this is it. Once we get this little guy out here, all of the worry and stress is over with."
All the nurses, assistants, doctors, (and I'm convinced there were a few other people who just came for the big show) decided it was go time. After about 10-15 minutes of pushing, out popped the most handsome little guy I've ever laid eyes on. Brian leaned over me as close as he could get and held us both. We were in awe. The doctor tried to hand Brian the scissors to cut the cord, but he politely declined. They turned to me and asked if I would like to do it. Sure! I did everything else, I got this under control! :P My hubby was not offended at all that he missed his opportunity. All that mattered to either of us was that our little guy was here, safe and sound. We loved hearing his screams because it was so opposite from Lillian's delivery when the OR was so quiet, I had to ask the doctor if she was out yet. I held my little guy as close as I could and just stared at his face. I remember that he was trying so hard to open his eyes but there was a bright light over the top of us and he was facing straight up at it. I held my hand over his face to shade him some and he could keep his eyes open then. He looked at me and just stared. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. This sweet little puffy cheeked baby was all ours. I loved him so much. I don't really know what everyone else was doing but for the first hour, Evan was on my chest and he looked so peaceful. It was finally time to weigh and measure him so they took him away from me and did all the routine checkups. I could not believe my ears when they said that my "preemie" baby was 7lbs 10oz! I was a full term baby and was only at 7lbs 5oz. I guess the Braums they put in down the street from our house proved to be a good placement for them. Though our baby was good and healthy, he had a low oxygen level and his breathing was very labored. You could watch his poor little chest working over time trying to get his lungs to get enough oxygen to them. I was heartbroken when they announced they had to take him away to his own room in the special care unit. In normal cases I would have been dismissed within a few hours and been able to go be with him soon after, but as I stated earlier, we do not go about things the easy way. I had some complications myself and it confined me to stay in the delivery room until 3:00 that afternoon. I think I was somewhat in shock and also a state of haziness from the lack of sleep. All I could think of was that this was a lot like last time where I'm laying in recovery with no baby to bond with. It was of course not the same circumstance but I had no idea how he was doing and what he needed. I know more than once the thought crossed my mind that they would come back up to me and tell me something horrible had happened. They allowed Brian to go be with him but he was shooed away after saying that they needed to place an iv in Evan's head. Had I been less out of it, I would have fought harder for Brian to stay in there. If I couldn't be with him, I wanted his daddy to be close. I didn't need any support, I just needed to know my baby was okay. The hospital staff promised that he could come back in about an hour but when I had my nurse call down, they hadn't even placed his iv yet. I was so frustrated and helpless. It was a long day that day. It should have been a sweet special day but it ended up being stressful and disappointing. I finally was dismissed from delivery room and my nurse that day wheeled me down to the recovery room. I think I was in that room for 5 minutes at the most, long enough to put some socks on and grab a pillow. I wanted to go see my baby!! By that time, Brian was allowed back in the room and Evan was sporting a nice big iv on his noggin. My nurse wheeled me in and gave Brian orders to not let me stand for very long. I really had no thoughts on my well being. I was fine! My baby was the one lying there with cords all over him and not able to be with me when he needed me the most. It makes me sad to think about how those first few days of his life, he was in bed, alone. I would have done a few things different if I could do it over but I have my baby here now and that's the most important thing. I only regret that I didn't push for more bonding time right at the start. I only left his side for short periods of time and only left the hospital once to go home and take a nap. The first few days of his life out of the womb were spent on a few monitors which really made it hard to hold him. The nurses were really great with us but they all seemed a little wary of getting him in and out a lot. I hated that I had to ASK to hold my baby. He needed me but I don't think that was priority to them. After he hit a few milestones like being able to regulate his own temperature and his oxygen levels stayed up, they weren't as concerned. Each day he lost a cord that he was hooked to until he finally lost that nasty iv. I could see my baby again without all the tubes and wires that he was attached to. I felt for Brian seeing as how he hardly got any time with him at first. Baby was on my chest for a bit right after delivery and then Brian got a few minutes with him. When we were in the special care unit, we could only get him out for feedings at first so daddy wasn't really included there. Needless to say we ALL breathed a little easier as Evan progressed. When I was a patient also, it was difficult to remember when I needed medications (one every 4 hours and one every 8). I needed to be back in my room to get those or I would be regretting it! I also tried to be back in time for meals too. But, then I wanted to be available for Evan when he needed to eat too. I told them that I didn't want him to have any formula which meant that I needed to stick close in case he woke up and needed to eat. I also tried to pump as much as possible so that there would be milk in the room if they ever needed it and I was gone. I was doing all of that on no sleep the first 2 days and minimal the next 3. I didn't sleep well at night because Evan would go into an arching fit and would be coughing up fluids. It was pretty alarming but since the nurses didn't seem concerned at it, I took it upon myself to make sure he wasn't going to choke on it. Their reasoning was that if it was stressing him, it would show on his monitors and they would come check on him. That wasn't good enough to me because after all he's been through, I was not going to let anything else "stress" him. So, whenever he made any sort of noise, I woke up. Some of the times it led to his arching fits and I shot out of bed to make sure he didn't swallow any of it. Our hospital stay was definitely not sunshine and roses but I guess they usually aren't. I was discharged after our 2nd day there but Evan was still there for 3 more days. We stuck close to the room and only went home after Evan's nurse made me go home and take a nap. I'm sure I looked terrible. I was admitted on thursday afternoon and delivered Evan friday morning at 8:30 a.m. and then he was finally discharged Monday evening. It was QUITE the ordeal!
This was not the way I pictured our rainbow baby entering our lives but I thank God every day for this wonderful little guy who has put a mend on a broken heart. There will always be a scar where the piece that belongs to Lillian was torn away. I know that the pain will never just go away and sometimes little things will make my scar ache for her. As we go along our day to day life, I stop and think for just a brief moment, "Who is missing?" I feel a little tug at my heart when I realize, that the little girl who should be running around and keeping us busy is only watching us from above. A mother's heart will always long for all of her children and although we never had Lillian in our home, her name is written in my heart and could never be forgotten. Even when I know that she is not here and have never experienced any time with her physically, I think deep down, I know she's here and present in our lives. So since she's so very present, I'll look around and wonder who I'm missing. For that split second I am a little confused and then I remind myself that although she is "missing" she will always be present.
Wow, it has been entirely too long since I've tapped these keys for a blog post. Our little man is 2 months now! Every day, I fall in love with him a little more. Even though I only saw Lillian for a few minutes, (by choice) I see her in him all the time. They share the same chubby cheeks, wrinkled head, and beautiful pouty lips. It is such a blessing for him to have some resemblance to her so I can see a flicker of her as he grows.
A little bit of an update Evan: He is doing fabulous. He does struggle with colic and acid reflux but we are doing our best to help every way we can. He's been going to a chiropractor and we have already noticed a change. It's helped his attitude even, since he's not so uncomfortable. His new trick is smiling! I LOVE seeing that big, gummy grin. I also love the fact that he's got his daddy's dimples, so precious! He does have a little bit of a ornery side, as he likes to flip us the bird on a daily basis. I find it quite amusing for the time being :) I love every second of being his mommy and can't wait to see what else he has in store for us.
Back to our birth story...
I left off talking about our fav nurse ever. That was my absolute favorite part of labor/delivery, of course that's not including getting to hold my baby. It was just as if God was saying, "I'm here." I knew that once again He sent our angel to take care of us.
After reuniting with our nurse and reminiscing about our little angel baby, we had to get on with business. I remember telling my nurse that we do not do things very easy. Our last pregnancy was completely devastating and this one was fine up until they found an abnormality and then it was panic time. We got checked in and went through the million routine questions and waited for the doctors to come in. After a little bit of chit-chat, it was finally time for my test. I was having an amniocentesis, which is basically extracting some of the amniotic fluid from my tummy by using a big needle. It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't really the worst thing ever. It did kinda stink that the first time they stuck me, Evan moved into the way so they had to take it out and redo it. They extracted some fluid and sent it off to be tested to see if baby's lungs were developed. We assumed that they would be but as luck would have it, the test came back "inconclusive." Great. I was so lost at that point. The test coming back inconclusive meant that my doctor couldn't technically induce me. The medical "red tape" has guidelines that you have to abide by in order to be eligible to be induced. Basically, my wonderful dr was trying to find any way around sending me home. Because, at that point, her hands were kind of tied. The problem was that Evan's umbilical vein issue was not really critical, but it's so rare that there was not a lot of documentation on it. It was explained to me that the times that it had been monitored in other cases, it has lead to infant fatality (although it was not a high number of those cases, it was still a very real possibility). Since it's extremely rare, there hasn't been a whole lot of research on it. Everyone agreed that the risk of him being born a little early was minimal compared to the risk of him remaining in the womb. I could not go home and have peace of mind that he would be alright. There's really no way of monitoring that condition to be sure he was alright. The biggest risk of him to make an early appearance would be that he may have slight breathing issues, but as far along as he was, there wasn't a huge concern. My doctor did all she could to "naturally" induce me (basically without breaking the water or using meds.) Apparently it worked because within the hour, I was dilated from a 1 to a 3. She could now admit me to the hospital and break my water to help speed things along. I was so relieved to be admitted to the hospital because I knew that I was in good hands and our baby boy would be born soon. But, I also knew that I had a big task ahead of me and I was NOT mentally prepared for it!
It was quite a loong night that night. I was admitted at 3:00 on Thursday afternoon and delivered him at 8:30 the next morning. I tried my hardest to get things moving along on my own, but my body just was not ready. I needed some help progressing so I was put on meds that would speed up labor and contractions were not very nice to me! I was nauseated and shaky around midnight when I finally decided to get my epidural. It was my hope that I could sleep a little bit that night and save my energy for the big finale. That didn't go as planned either. Sometime around 1 or 2 a.m. my nurse came in and told me that the baby's heart rate was dropping with every contraction and that if it were going to continue to do so, it could mean a cesarean. I was definitely NOT having that! I sat up in bed and Brian and I prayed through every single contraction that baby would be protected and that he wouldn't have any stress on him. When Brian got so tired that he fell asleep, I continued praying through the night. I watched Evan's heart rate monitor and I think it maybe dropped only twice after that. I was so thankful that God was protecting him. I really really didn't want to have to deal with recovering from surgery. I think a lot of it had to do with our past delivery. I really wanted this experience to be completely different from our first. I couldn't really be too delighted to meet our little guy when one, I'm in the middle of a major surgery, and two, it just reminded me of our last experience. Well, God heard our cries and pleas for protection over our son because I had no more issues with labor after that. It was 6 or 7 in the morning when my nurse came in and told me that I was good to go and could have the baby within the hour. Phew! I was so thankful but so utterly exhausted. I remember Brian coming over to my side and cheerfully saying, "This is it! We're about to have a baby!" I'm pretty sure I replied with, "Shut up." Yeah, you read that right. My cranky self had been up all night going through all these pokes and prods and contractions and I just wasn't exactly seeing sunshine and rainbows yet. I was annoyed that we weren't about to have a baby, I was! My hubby kinda chuckled at me and took it all in stride. He knew it was just the lack of sleep talking. I had been up for over 24 hours at that point while he had gotten some cat naps in. When everyone started filing in and all the stuff started getting prepped, I was thinking to myself, "Okay, this is it. Once we get this little guy out here, all of the worry and stress is over with."
All the nurses, assistants, doctors, (and I'm convinced there were a few other people who just came for the big show) decided it was go time. After about 10-15 minutes of pushing, out popped the most handsome little guy I've ever laid eyes on. Brian leaned over me as close as he could get and held us both. We were in awe. The doctor tried to hand Brian the scissors to cut the cord, but he politely declined. They turned to me and asked if I would like to do it. Sure! I did everything else, I got this under control! :P My hubby was not offended at all that he missed his opportunity. All that mattered to either of us was that our little guy was here, safe and sound. We loved hearing his screams because it was so opposite from Lillian's delivery when the OR was so quiet, I had to ask the doctor if she was out yet. I held my little guy as close as I could and just stared at his face. I remember that he was trying so hard to open his eyes but there was a bright light over the top of us and he was facing straight up at it. I held my hand over his face to shade him some and he could keep his eyes open then. He looked at me and just stared. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. This sweet little puffy cheeked baby was all ours. I loved him so much. I don't really know what everyone else was doing but for the first hour, Evan was on my chest and he looked so peaceful. It was finally time to weigh and measure him so they took him away from me and did all the routine checkups. I could not believe my ears when they said that my "preemie" baby was 7lbs 10oz! I was a full term baby and was only at 7lbs 5oz. I guess the Braums they put in down the street from our house proved to be a good placement for them. Though our baby was good and healthy, he had a low oxygen level and his breathing was very labored. You could watch his poor little chest working over time trying to get his lungs to get enough oxygen to them. I was heartbroken when they announced they had to take him away to his own room in the special care unit. In normal cases I would have been dismissed within a few hours and been able to go be with him soon after, but as I stated earlier, we do not go about things the easy way. I had some complications myself and it confined me to stay in the delivery room until 3:00 that afternoon. I think I was somewhat in shock and also a state of haziness from the lack of sleep. All I could think of was that this was a lot like last time where I'm laying in recovery with no baby to bond with. It was of course not the same circumstance but I had no idea how he was doing and what he needed. I know more than once the thought crossed my mind that they would come back up to me and tell me something horrible had happened. They allowed Brian to go be with him but he was shooed away after saying that they needed to place an iv in Evan's head. Had I been less out of it, I would have fought harder for Brian to stay in there. If I couldn't be with him, I wanted his daddy to be close. I didn't need any support, I just needed to know my baby was okay. The hospital staff promised that he could come back in about an hour but when I had my nurse call down, they hadn't even placed his iv yet. I was so frustrated and helpless. It was a long day that day. It should have been a sweet special day but it ended up being stressful and disappointing. I finally was dismissed from delivery room and my nurse that day wheeled me down to the recovery room. I think I was in that room for 5 minutes at the most, long enough to put some socks on and grab a pillow. I wanted to go see my baby!! By that time, Brian was allowed back in the room and Evan was sporting a nice big iv on his noggin. My nurse wheeled me in and gave Brian orders to not let me stand for very long. I really had no thoughts on my well being. I was fine! My baby was the one lying there with cords all over him and not able to be with me when he needed me the most. It makes me sad to think about how those first few days of his life, he was in bed, alone. I would have done a few things different if I could do it over but I have my baby here now and that's the most important thing. I only regret that I didn't push for more bonding time right at the start. I only left his side for short periods of time and only left the hospital once to go home and take a nap. The first few days of his life out of the womb were spent on a few monitors which really made it hard to hold him. The nurses were really great with us but they all seemed a little wary of getting him in and out a lot. I hated that I had to ASK to hold my baby. He needed me but I don't think that was priority to them. After he hit a few milestones like being able to regulate his own temperature and his oxygen levels stayed up, they weren't as concerned. Each day he lost a cord that he was hooked to until he finally lost that nasty iv. I could see my baby again without all the tubes and wires that he was attached to. I felt for Brian seeing as how he hardly got any time with him at first. Baby was on my chest for a bit right after delivery and then Brian got a few minutes with him. When we were in the special care unit, we could only get him out for feedings at first so daddy wasn't really included there. Needless to say we ALL breathed a little easier as Evan progressed. When I was a patient also, it was difficult to remember when I needed medications (one every 4 hours and one every 8). I needed to be back in my room to get those or I would be regretting it! I also tried to be back in time for meals too. But, then I wanted to be available for Evan when he needed to eat too. I told them that I didn't want him to have any formula which meant that I needed to stick close in case he woke up and needed to eat. I also tried to pump as much as possible so that there would be milk in the room if they ever needed it and I was gone. I was doing all of that on no sleep the first 2 days and minimal the next 3. I didn't sleep well at night because Evan would go into an arching fit and would be coughing up fluids. It was pretty alarming but since the nurses didn't seem concerned at it, I took it upon myself to make sure he wasn't going to choke on it. Their reasoning was that if it was stressing him, it would show on his monitors and they would come check on him. That wasn't good enough to me because after all he's been through, I was not going to let anything else "stress" him. So, whenever he made any sort of noise, I woke up. Some of the times it led to his arching fits and I shot out of bed to make sure he didn't swallow any of it. Our hospital stay was definitely not sunshine and roses but I guess they usually aren't. I was discharged after our 2nd day there but Evan was still there for 3 more days. We stuck close to the room and only went home after Evan's nurse made me go home and take a nap. I'm sure I looked terrible. I was admitted on thursday afternoon and delivered Evan friday morning at 8:30 a.m. and then he was finally discharged Monday evening. It was QUITE the ordeal!
This was not the way I pictured our rainbow baby entering our lives but I thank God every day for this wonderful little guy who has put a mend on a broken heart. There will always be a scar where the piece that belongs to Lillian was torn away. I know that the pain will never just go away and sometimes little things will make my scar ache for her. As we go along our day to day life, I stop and think for just a brief moment, "Who is missing?" I feel a little tug at my heart when I realize, that the little girl who should be running around and keeping us busy is only watching us from above. A mother's heart will always long for all of her children and although we never had Lillian in our home, her name is written in my heart and could never be forgotten. Even when I know that she is not here and have never experienced any time with her physically, I think deep down, I know she's here and present in our lives. So since she's so very present, I'll look around and wonder who I'm missing. For that split second I am a little confused and then I remind myself that although she is "missing" she will always be present.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Unexpected bumps
It's been a while since I've posted. Our little bumblebee is 4 weeks old today! I can't believe every morning that I get to roll over and see this beautiful face
How lucky am I?? I'm loving every second of motherhood, even those 2 am feedings and changings. Bring it on! This little boy has my heart and I love him with every fiber of my being. He is so utterly amazing.
I last spoke about the things that lead up to him being here. So many things came together to make him being here early a little easier. This post will explain a little about the craziness that happened the day I got induced. I haven't really had a chance to share much about his arrival and there's so much to the story that I'll have to make multiple posts.
So, starting from the morning of September 26th, I decided to go out and shop at garage sales. I cannot pass up a good sale, especially with a baby on the way. I set out in search of more newborn clothes since I decided I didn't have enough for my little one. I didn't have much luck but the last sale that I stopped at was a success. I found Evan some onesies and as I was browsing the knick knacks, I found a treasure, a little craft wooden ladybug. I picked it up and thought about it and actually put it back down. After a few moments of going back and forth, I decided that the ladybug was worth 25 cents, so I added it to my pile. I got into my car with my newly acquired treasures and started driving around in search of more sale signs. Not 10 minutes later, I got a phone call. I looked at the number and noticed it was my doctor's office. I was confused since the only time they call me is for a reminder of an appointment. My next appointment wasn't until the following Wednesday, so it couldn't be that. I answered the phone and my doctor greeted me. Uhhh... Now I was really confused. She has never personally called me. Usually the automatic messaging calls, or even my nurse, but never my doctor. I was really lost as to why I was talking to my dr. She started talking to me about my ultrasound (which was the day before) and wanted to "catch me up" with a few things. I listened as she started explaining that she had talked to my ultrasound tech who had noticed something during our appointment. My doctor decided it was worth mentioning to the high risk ob and they all discussed that this abnormality was risky enough that they weren't comfortable leaving him be. She explained that one of his umbilical veins (veins inside of his tummy that transferred blood from the cord to his body, not the umbilical cord itself) showed to be enlarged. Apparently this has risk of developing clots, which in turn, can cause fetal death... My heart dropped. I just sat there and listened as my mind raced and my hand held my tummy. I felt so betrayed. I had prayed all throughout this pregnancy and (most of the time) had kept my stress and worry level down. I had put faith in God that He would see us through this pregnancy and that we would get our healthy baby. All of this stuff kept going through my mind as I was supposed to be listening to my doctor. I know my dr could sense my apprehension and reassured me the best she could. All I could think of was, "Not again. Not again." I asked her opinion on where we go from here. She said that her recommendation, along with the high risk O.B. was to have me come in for an amniocentesis to see if Evan's lungs were developed enough for him to be delivered and then I could be induced if we got a positive result (which she anticipated would be the case). I was so flustered with her news, I asked her to give me a short explanation so I could call Brian and fill him in. I listened really carefully this time and tried to think of any last minute questions before I hung up. I surprised myself by thinking level-headed enough to ask, "After he's here, are there any risks?" She told me that since we don't use our umbilical cords after birth, he would no longer have any issues after he makes his debut. My heart filled after hearing this. My baby would be just fine after he is in my arms. Now, we just have to get him here... Like, NOW. I hung up with her and sat there in my car for a second. I prayed and held my tummy while I told myself it WILL be alright. I dialed Brian's number and tried to tell him as calmly as possible what I had just discussed with my doctor. He asked a few questions and then when I asked, "What do we do?? I'm not ready!" He simply replied, "We're going in to get induced" It was just fact to him. I had all these emotions and questions and thoughts swirling in my mind and my level-headed husband heard the facts and just accepted it. I kept telling him that I wasn't ready for this. I was going to have a baby by the next day! I couldn't wrap my head around it and yet he was so calm and reassured me that yes, I was ready and we are going in to have a baby. He also made sure to tell me, "It's going to be okay" I believed him. He's faced hell with me. It HAD to be okay! We couldn't face anymore tragedy, especially with our precious baby. He hung up the phone and mentioned to his nearest co-worker that he had to go and wouldn't be back for a while and drove straight home to meet me.
The next phone call I made was to my mom. I filled her in the best I could and she insisted on coming over to help us. She wouldn't take no for an answer and I didn't push it since I think I needed someone to tell me what to do. She came straight over and finished packing things on our list that we still needed.
I remember being so scared and confused on the way to the hospital. I was wondering why this was not going so smoothly. I needed this baby in my arms and I needed everything to go perfect. It was then that it dawned on me. Lillian had sent me a ladybug not 10 minutes before getting that phone call. She knew what was going to happen even before I did. I was definitely reassured that she was looking out for her baby brother and parents. I would be lying if I said that I was calm after that. I was still shaken up and kind of confused at the situation. I was worried about my baby and I hated that this wasn't going as smoothly as I anticipated. The most important thing is that he is healthy. We were a little nervous on the way to the hospital but little did I know what my baby girl had in store.
(This is the good part!)
We drove into the parking garage and parked near the hospital entrance. We left all of our bags in the car and the car seat was literally thrown in the back seat, not strapped in. My doctor had scheduled an amniocentesis for 12 pm and had instructed us to arrive at 11. We were running a few minutes behind but had made record time after receiving such life-altering news. We were going in as a couple and leaving with an infant! Can you tell my mind was blown?? So, we walk to the elevators, ride up to the labor and delivery floor, get off the elevator and see the same waiting room that we faced 17 months prior. Only last time, we faced a waiting room full of our devastated family members. I will never forget that look in their faces. I walked past those chairs and up to the desk. There was a nurse at the desk and a receptionist behind, but otherwise, we were the only people there. I did a double take at the nurse. Could it be?? Before even looking at her name tag, I exclaimed, "Are you (insert name here)?!?" Then I looked down and saw that, in fact, it was who I thought it was. The nurse who was with me all day with Lillian. She was SUCH a Godsend! She is the woman who took care of our daughter when it was too much for us to face. She wrapped her up and introduced her to us so gently and told us how beautiful she was. I don't remember the names of any of my other nurses last time, but this one, she was an angel! I will never forget her for as long as I live. She is amazing. And there she was! With tears in my eyes I told her, "You were with us last time! You were my nurse!" She smiled at me and asked how long ago was that. I told her it was about a year and a half ago. I was almost crying at her, poor lady. She said, "Are you here for an amnio?" I told her I was. She replied, "You're my 12 o'clock!" GOOSEBUMPS!
Thank you God!! How could I be afraid when my favorite nurse was with me?? Oh my gosh, you guys. I cannot explain the heaviness that was lifted. It was going to be okay! God was working already and my favorite nurse was going to get to meet Lillian's little brother.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Bumblebee is here!
He's here! He's here! He's here!
Our little miracle has made his arrival! We are beyond thrilled and overjoyed to have our little bumblebee in our arms. He is everything I expected and more. I absolutely adore this little being.
Just like everything else in our lives, there is a wonderful story behind his arrival. It was a day full of chaos, stress, fear, and anxiousness, but it ended with our boy in our arms. That's all that matters. It will take me a few posts to tell his story because of all the wonderful miracles that were intertwined to bring him here. This first one I'll talk about the week prior to his arrival.
I didn't realize as we were going through it, but so many things were starting to come together so that we could have everything prepared for Evan to join us. The first thing was the car seat. My mom and I were discussing what we needed before the baby was born since we weren't having any showers until after his arrival. She wanted to get him his car seat since it's kind of a necessity! My grandma and mom both went in on it I ended up ordering it for them because I'm a sucker for deals and could get them a better price by using my own card. The car seat was delivered to us within a week before Evan being born. We had ordered it early, since he still had a month before his due date. I am SO thankful we had that little twinge of urgency! We could have bought him a car seat from the store but the one we had picked out is only available online. Not to mention, once we realized he would be making an early appearance, things got a little crazy.
Another crazy happenstance was my urge to get the nursery done. Brian and I had discussed earlier in the pregnancy how hard it was for me to be in Lillian's room. We had both went in there and set it all up perfectly and arranged her things so meticulously so that it would be ready for her. Later, we had to face the empty room that no longer held her things and that was truly devastating. In this pregnancy, it was hard to see that room as anything but hers. I didn't want to face it at all and was insisting on having family come over to help with it AFTER Evan was here. Well, for one reason or another, I started feeling like it was okay. I kept thinking about the possibility of working on the nursery and finishing it before I had him. We made the phone calls and asked our family if they would like to help out and be a part of putting his room together. So, the last weekend we had before Evan's birthday, we spent the day moving furniture, decorating, arranging, and cleaning his room. Seriously, the very last weekend! The only things that I had left to do in the nursery was to find some curtains and to finish wall hangings with my grandma. I went crazy looking for the perfect curtains. We finished the nursery set up on Saturday and then I dragged Brian around town looking for curtains on Sunday morning. I was so tired from tromping around 3 different stores with my 45 extra pounds of baby that we didn't even go to church that morning (shhhh, don't tell my pastor). I was REALLY discouraged, though! I even got online and looked for some and was pretty perturbed when I had no luck. So, I used my plan b and called grandma! Grandma is so handy! I asked if she would take me to a fabric store that week and we could find some material that I liked and just make the stupid things (I was a little aggravated at that point). Of course, she was happy to help me out and the following Tuesday (3 days before he was born) we did just that. I ended up finding some really cute fabric, and it was on sale. We also bought some flannel to make some burp rags since it was super cheap and I had only a couple. We didn't completely finish the curtains that day but I was happy that I had something that I loved, and we were almost done with them. My urge to finish the nursery was a little strange since I was not even 37 weeks along and prior to then, I insisted on waiting to do it until after I had him. Crazy!
Okay, now go back to Saturday... The same day we worked on the nursery. That evening I scheduled to have our maternity pictures done with a good friend of ours who has done our pics for quite some time. She has taken our pictures for numerous occasions including family, senior, engagement, wedding, new house, gender reveal, and even our little girl's funeral. Every time she's given us such treasures that are irreplaceable. I hadn't made it to our scheduled date for maternity pics with Lillian. We were one week shy of doing them. I really wish we had scheduled them just a week sooner. But, with Evan, we had them scheduled for when I was 36 weeks along. I measured about 2 weeks ahead, so I really looked like I was ready to pop! The photo shoot went sooo perfectly and I about cried when I saw the shots she got. Amazing! Once again, this was not even a week before Evan was born (only 6 days prior). I'm so incredibly thankful that we got those pictures done in time! I really would have been disappointed to miss another one of my opportunities to document my pregnancy.
Now I'm going to fast forward to the day before I got the call that it was "go time". I'll explain more about why Evan was born early in my next few posts but right now I'm focusing on the day before. It really is bizarre! So, on Wednesday I woke up on a mission. I had decided that I should go to the store and get a few meals to bake and freeze. Usually, going to the store is an ordeal for me. I have to get online and check the sales and coupon matchups, then make a list, find my coupons, and get everything organized before I go. This time I didn't worry about that. I just found a couple recipes that I could fix for an easy freezer meal. I ran to the grocery store, well run isn't really an appropriate word for it. Okay, I waddled through the grocery store and grabbed a few essentials, including a "0" birthday candle. I had seen an idea online where you get a little cupcake for baby's "birth" day. The cashier kinda looked at me funny when I checked out and asked, "So, who's turning zero?" I just pointed at my belly and he laughed at me. I later went home and made two recipes and stuck them in the freezer. It was a little tolling since being on my feet was really hard on my back, but I managed. I relaxed until Brian got home and apologized for the lack of dinner. I had been busy all day but still had to make dinner for that night. He is so understanding and laid back, he didn't even mind. The funny thing is, the story isn't even over. The crazy part is what I did that night!
I was so exhausted from going to the store and cooking all day that I had collapsed on our over-sized bean bag chair. Brian was sitting with me, playing a game, I'm sure. I turned to him and asked him, "Are we ever going to pack our hospital bag? We have nothing ready." As exhausted as I was, I heaved my fat butt upstairs and started going over our list. We went back and forth to different rooms and got some of the stuff put into our duffle bags and diaper bag. After we got the majority of our stuff organized, I ended up in the nursery. I sat in the rocking chair and teared up. I had the realization that the baby we'd bring into this room wasn't our little girl. I had to have a moment to just let that go. Brian came in and saw me in my exhausted, hormonal upset and held me. It was like I had to have closure that night before I went to bed. I eventually collapsed in bed that night after a very long day of being productive. That was the last night we had together at home before our little man would join us. I am so thankful I had some sort of drive to kick things into gear. I had a little voice telling me that I thought he would be born early but I had no idea that he would be 3.5 weeks!
This whole post are the things that happened a week or less prior to baby bumblebee's appearance. What a week!
The next few posts will be a clearer explanation of what brought about his early arrival. It was a scary and nerve-wrecking few days but, as cliche as it may sound, it was so worth it. Here's our little guy for your viewing pleasure.
Our little miracle has made his arrival! We are beyond thrilled and overjoyed to have our little bumblebee in our arms. He is everything I expected and more. I absolutely adore this little being.
Just like everything else in our lives, there is a wonderful story behind his arrival. It was a day full of chaos, stress, fear, and anxiousness, but it ended with our boy in our arms. That's all that matters. It will take me a few posts to tell his story because of all the wonderful miracles that were intertwined to bring him here. This first one I'll talk about the week prior to his arrival.
I didn't realize as we were going through it, but so many things were starting to come together so that we could have everything prepared for Evan to join us. The first thing was the car seat. My mom and I were discussing what we needed before the baby was born since we weren't having any showers until after his arrival. She wanted to get him his car seat since it's kind of a necessity! My grandma and mom both went in on it I ended up ordering it for them because I'm a sucker for deals and could get them a better price by using my own card. The car seat was delivered to us within a week before Evan being born. We had ordered it early, since he still had a month before his due date. I am SO thankful we had that little twinge of urgency! We could have bought him a car seat from the store but the one we had picked out is only available online. Not to mention, once we realized he would be making an early appearance, things got a little crazy.
Another crazy happenstance was my urge to get the nursery done. Brian and I had discussed earlier in the pregnancy how hard it was for me to be in Lillian's room. We had both went in there and set it all up perfectly and arranged her things so meticulously so that it would be ready for her. Later, we had to face the empty room that no longer held her things and that was truly devastating. In this pregnancy, it was hard to see that room as anything but hers. I didn't want to face it at all and was insisting on having family come over to help with it AFTER Evan was here. Well, for one reason or another, I started feeling like it was okay. I kept thinking about the possibility of working on the nursery and finishing it before I had him. We made the phone calls and asked our family if they would like to help out and be a part of putting his room together. So, the last weekend we had before Evan's birthday, we spent the day moving furniture, decorating, arranging, and cleaning his room. Seriously, the very last weekend! The only things that I had left to do in the nursery was to find some curtains and to finish wall hangings with my grandma. I went crazy looking for the perfect curtains. We finished the nursery set up on Saturday and then I dragged Brian around town looking for curtains on Sunday morning. I was so tired from tromping around 3 different stores with my 45 extra pounds of baby that we didn't even go to church that morning (shhhh, don't tell my pastor). I was REALLY discouraged, though! I even got online and looked for some and was pretty perturbed when I had no luck. So, I used my plan b and called grandma! Grandma is so handy! I asked if she would take me to a fabric store that week and we could find some material that I liked and just make the stupid things (I was a little aggravated at that point). Of course, she was happy to help me out and the following Tuesday (3 days before he was born) we did just that. I ended up finding some really cute fabric, and it was on sale. We also bought some flannel to make some burp rags since it was super cheap and I had only a couple. We didn't completely finish the curtains that day but I was happy that I had something that I loved, and we were almost done with them. My urge to finish the nursery was a little strange since I was not even 37 weeks along and prior to then, I insisted on waiting to do it until after I had him. Crazy!
Okay, now go back to Saturday... The same day we worked on the nursery. That evening I scheduled to have our maternity pictures done with a good friend of ours who has done our pics for quite some time. She has taken our pictures for numerous occasions including family, senior, engagement, wedding, new house, gender reveal, and even our little girl's funeral. Every time she's given us such treasures that are irreplaceable. I hadn't made it to our scheduled date for maternity pics with Lillian. We were one week shy of doing them. I really wish we had scheduled them just a week sooner. But, with Evan, we had them scheduled for when I was 36 weeks along. I measured about 2 weeks ahead, so I really looked like I was ready to pop! The photo shoot went sooo perfectly and I about cried when I saw the shots she got. Amazing! Once again, this was not even a week before Evan was born (only 6 days prior). I'm so incredibly thankful that we got those pictures done in time! I really would have been disappointed to miss another one of my opportunities to document my pregnancy.
Now I'm going to fast forward to the day before I got the call that it was "go time". I'll explain more about why Evan was born early in my next few posts but right now I'm focusing on the day before. It really is bizarre! So, on Wednesday I woke up on a mission. I had decided that I should go to the store and get a few meals to bake and freeze. Usually, going to the store is an ordeal for me. I have to get online and check the sales and coupon matchups, then make a list, find my coupons, and get everything organized before I go. This time I didn't worry about that. I just found a couple recipes that I could fix for an easy freezer meal. I ran to the grocery store, well run isn't really an appropriate word for it. Okay, I waddled through the grocery store and grabbed a few essentials, including a "0" birthday candle. I had seen an idea online where you get a little cupcake for baby's "birth" day. The cashier kinda looked at me funny when I checked out and asked, "So, who's turning zero?" I just pointed at my belly and he laughed at me. I later went home and made two recipes and stuck them in the freezer. It was a little tolling since being on my feet was really hard on my back, but I managed. I relaxed until Brian got home and apologized for the lack of dinner. I had been busy all day but still had to make dinner for that night. He is so understanding and laid back, he didn't even mind. The funny thing is, the story isn't even over. The crazy part is what I did that night!
I was so exhausted from going to the store and cooking all day that I had collapsed on our over-sized bean bag chair. Brian was sitting with me, playing a game, I'm sure. I turned to him and asked him, "Are we ever going to pack our hospital bag? We have nothing ready." As exhausted as I was, I heaved my fat butt upstairs and started going over our list. We went back and forth to different rooms and got some of the stuff put into our duffle bags and diaper bag. After we got the majority of our stuff organized, I ended up in the nursery. I sat in the rocking chair and teared up. I had the realization that the baby we'd bring into this room wasn't our little girl. I had to have a moment to just let that go. Brian came in and saw me in my exhausted, hormonal upset and held me. It was like I had to have closure that night before I went to bed. I eventually collapsed in bed that night after a very long day of being productive. That was the last night we had together at home before our little man would join us. I am so thankful I had some sort of drive to kick things into gear. I had a little voice telling me that I thought he would be born early but I had no idea that he would be 3.5 weeks!
This whole post are the things that happened a week or less prior to baby bumblebee's appearance. What a week!
The next few posts will be a clearer explanation of what brought about his early arrival. It was a scary and nerve-wrecking few days but, as cliche as it may sound, it was so worth it. Here's our little guy for your viewing pleasure.
Evan Scott Bayes
Born September 27, 2013
7lbs 10 oz
20" long
Monday, September 16, 2013
*Giant sigh of relief* We are past 34 weeks! I know it's not some magic number but there's just something about passing that number of 34 that makes me breathe a little easier. As we approached that milestone, I couldn't help but feel a little overwhelmed. I kept thinking about how long this pregnancy has taken to get this far. I still can't completely fathom how we managed to get through the worst time in our lives. Just thinking about it still gets me choked up. It's so hard to describe the loss of a baby you never got a chance to "meet." If I were on the outside looking in, I know I wouldn't understand it. Evan's pregnancy has been a time of a lot of healing and even more joy. He reminds us that there is good in this world, there are healthy babies, we will receive blessings. He's done so much for our broken hearts. Even though being pregnant again brings up a lot of grief and emotions, I think it's necessary. We so badly need a little one to hold and love on and kiss. I'm so thankful my husband had the same feeling about the situation that I did. We were both devastated over the loss of our precious girl but we couldn't bring her back to us. However, we could give her the gift of siblings. We both wanted to have children as soon as possible. I never thought I would say this but I'm thankful that I had a cesarean. The c section forced us to wait at least 9 months before thinking of adding to our family again. It was SUCH a blessing for us to wait. It took me a while to get past the intense grief and the newness of the situation. Even though I would have never believed it back then, it was definitely best that we have some time to heal. It's been 17 months (wow!) since we had our daughter. I still have problems wrapping my head around the thought that we are parents to two children. I'm so in love with both of our children and ache to hold both of them. I tell Lillian that every time we kiss her brother, we'll be sending her a kiss too. I know there's a connection between the two of them since she helped bring him into this world. I've wondered if she's already met him.
We are so so so ready to meet this little man. I'm praying he decides to make an early appearance because my patience is running out. This is week 35 and we get to see Evan every week now with our ultrasounds. He is growing and doing perfect. He weighs about 5 pounds now and has a full head of hair! 37 weeks is technically considered full term so anywhere between 2-5 weeks, our son will be joining us. I'm totally in disbelief at that. I don't think I'll believe that he's actually coming until he's in my arms. Even then, I'll probably pinch myself. I cannot wait!
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