*Disclaimer*  I wrote this post 2 whole months ago and didn't get a chance to finish it and am just now sitting down to finish writing (oops).  I need to write another post on what Evan's doing now at 4 months.  I promise I will not wait as long anymore :(

Wow, it has been entirely too long since I've tapped these keys for a blog post.  Our little man is 2 months now!  Every day, I fall in love with him a little more.  Even though I only saw Lillian for a few minutes, (by choice) I see her in him all the time.  They share the same chubby cheeks, wrinkled head, and beautiful pouty lips.  It is such a blessing for him to have some resemblance to her so I can see a flicker of her as he grows.

A little bit of an update Evan:  He is doing fabulous.  He does struggle with colic and acid reflux but we are doing our best to help every way we can.  He's been going to a chiropractor and we have already noticed a change.  It's helped his attitude even, since he's not so uncomfortable.  His new trick is smiling!  I LOVE seeing that big, gummy grin.  I also love the fact that he's got his daddy's dimples, so precious!  He does have a little bit of a ornery side, as he likes to flip us the bird on a daily basis.  I find it quite amusing for the time being :)  I love every second of being his mommy and can't wait to see what else he has in store for us.

Back to our birth story...
I left off talking about our fav nurse ever.  That was my absolute favorite part of labor/delivery, of course that's not including getting to hold my baby.   It was just as if God was saying, "I'm here."  I knew that once again He sent our angel to take care of us.
After reuniting with our nurse and reminiscing about our little angel baby, we had to get on with business.  I remember telling my nurse that we do not do things very easy.  Our last pregnancy was completely devastating and this one was fine up until they found an abnormality and then it was panic time.  We got checked in and went through the million routine questions and waited for the doctors to come in.  After a little bit of chit-chat, it was finally time for my test.  I was having an amniocentesis, which is basically extracting some of the amniotic fluid from my tummy by using a big needle.  It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't really the worst thing ever. It did kinda stink that the first time they stuck me, Evan moved into the way so they had to take it out and redo it.  They extracted some fluid and sent it off to be tested to see if baby's lungs were developed.  We assumed that they would be but as luck would have it, the test came back "inconclusive."  Great.  I was so lost at that point.  The test coming back inconclusive meant that my doctor couldn't technically induce me.  The medical "red tape" has guidelines that you have to abide by in order to be eligible to be induced.  Basically, my wonderful dr was trying to find any way around sending me home.  Because, at that point, her hands were kind of tied.  The problem was that Evan's umbilical vein issue was not really critical, but it's so rare that there was not a lot of documentation on it.  It was explained to me that the times that it had been monitored in other cases, it has lead to infant fatality (although it was not a high number of those cases, it was still a very real possibility).  Since it's extremely rare, there hasn't been a whole lot of research on it.  Everyone agreed that the risk of him being born a little early was minimal compared to the risk of him remaining in the womb.  I could not go home and have peace of mind that he would be alright.  There's really no way of monitoring that condition to be sure he was alright.  The biggest risk of him to make an early appearance would be that he may have slight breathing issues, but as far along as he was, there wasn't a huge concern.  My doctor did all she could to "naturally" induce me (basically without breaking the water or using meds.)  Apparently it worked because within the hour, I was dilated from a 1 to a 3.  She could now admit me to the hospital and break my water to help speed things along.  I was so relieved to be admitted to the hospital because I knew that I was in good hands and our baby boy would be born soon.  But, I also knew that I had a big task ahead of me and I was NOT mentally prepared for it!
It was quite a loong night that night. I was admitted at 3:00 on Thursday afternoon and delivered him at 8:30 the next morning.  I tried my hardest to get things moving along on my own, but my body just was not ready.  I needed some help progressing so I was put on meds that would speed up labor and contractions were not very nice to me!  I was nauseated and shaky around midnight when I finally decided to get my epidural.  It was my hope that I could sleep a little bit that night and save my energy for the big finale.  That didn't go as planned either.  Sometime around 1 or 2 a.m. my nurse came in and told me that the baby's heart rate was dropping with every contraction and that if it were going to continue to do so, it could mean a cesarean.  I was definitely NOT having that!  I sat up in bed and Brian and I prayed through every single contraction that baby would be protected and that he wouldn't have any stress on him.  When Brian got so tired that he fell asleep, I continued praying through the night.  I watched Evan's heart rate monitor and I think it maybe dropped only twice after that.  I was so thankful that God was protecting him.  I really really didn't want to have to deal with recovering from surgery.  I think a lot of it had to do with our past delivery.  I really wanted this experience to be completely different from our first.  I couldn't really be too delighted to meet our little guy when one, I'm in the middle of a major surgery, and two, it just reminded me of our last experience.  Well, God heard our cries and pleas for protection over our son because I had no more issues with labor after that.  It was 6 or 7 in the morning when my nurse came in and told me that I was good to go and could have the baby within the hour.  Phew!  I was so thankful but so utterly exhausted.  I remember Brian coming over to my side and cheerfully saying, "This is it!  We're about to have a baby!"  I'm pretty sure I replied with, "Shut up."  Yeah, you read that right.  My cranky self had been up all night going through all these pokes and prods and contractions and I just wasn't exactly seeing sunshine and rainbows yet.  I was annoyed that we weren't about to have a baby, I was!  My hubby kinda chuckled at me and took it all in stride.  He knew it was just the lack of sleep talking.  I had been up for over 24 hours at that point while he had gotten some cat naps in.  When everyone started filing in and all the stuff started getting prepped, I was thinking to myself, "Okay, this is it.  Once we get this little guy out here, all of the worry and stress is over with."
All the nurses, assistants, doctors, (and I'm convinced there were a few other people who just came for the big show) decided it was go time.  After about 10-15 minutes of pushing, out popped the most handsome little guy I've ever laid eyes on.  Brian leaned over me as close as he could get and held us both.  We were in awe.  The doctor tried to hand Brian the scissors to cut the cord, but he politely declined.  They turned to me and asked if I would like to do it.  Sure!  I did everything else, I got this under control! :P  My hubby was not offended at all that he missed his opportunity.  All that mattered to either of us was that our little guy was here, safe and sound.  We loved hearing his screams because it was so opposite from Lillian's delivery when the OR was so quiet, I had to ask the doctor if she was out yet.  I held my little guy as close as I could and just stared at his face.  I remember that he was trying so hard to open his eyes but there was a bright light over the top of us and he was facing straight up at it.  I held my hand over his face to shade him some and he could keep his eyes open then.  He looked at me and just stared.  I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  This sweet little puffy cheeked baby was all ours.  I loved him so much.  I don't really know what everyone else was doing but for the first hour, Evan was on my chest and he looked so peaceful.  It was finally time to weigh and measure him so they took him away from me and did all the routine checkups.  I could not believe my ears when they said that my "preemie" baby was 7lbs 10oz!  I was a full term baby and was only at 7lbs 5oz.  I guess the Braums they put in down the street from our house proved to be a good placement for them.  Though our baby was good and healthy, he had a low oxygen level and his breathing was very labored.  You could watch his poor little chest working over time trying to get his lungs to get enough oxygen to them.  I was heartbroken when they announced they had to take him away to his own room in the special care unit.  In normal cases I would have been dismissed within a few hours and been able to go be with him soon after, but as I stated earlier, we do not go about things the easy way.  I had some complications myself and it confined me to stay in the delivery room until 3:00 that afternoon.  I think I was somewhat in shock and also a state of haziness from the lack of sleep.  All I could think of was that this was a lot like last time where I'm laying in recovery with no baby to bond with.  It was of course not the same circumstance but I had no idea how he was doing and what he needed.  I know more than once the thought crossed my mind that they would come back up to me and tell me something horrible had happened.  They allowed Brian to go be with him but he was shooed away after saying that they needed to place an iv in Evan's head.  Had I been less out of it, I would have fought harder for Brian to stay in there.  If I couldn't be with him, I wanted his daddy to be close.  I didn't need any support, I just needed to know my baby was okay.  The hospital staff promised that he could come back in about an hour but when I had my nurse call down, they hadn't even placed his iv yet.  I was so frustrated and helpless.  It was a long day that day.  It should have been a sweet special day but it ended up being stressful and disappointing.  I finally was dismissed from delivery room and my nurse that day wheeled me down to the recovery room.  I think I was in that room for 5 minutes at the most, long enough to put some socks on and grab a pillow.  I wanted to go see my baby!!  By that time, Brian was allowed back in the room and Evan was sporting a nice big iv on his noggin.  My nurse wheeled me in and gave Brian orders to not let me stand for very long.  I really had no thoughts on my well being.  I was fine!  My baby was the one lying there with cords all over him and not able to be with me when he needed me the most.  It makes me sad to think about how those first few days of his life, he was in bed, alone.  I would have done a few things different if I could do it over but I have my baby here now and that's the most important thing.  I only regret that I didn't push for more bonding time right at the start.  I only left his side for short periods of time and only left the hospital once to go home and take a nap.  The first few days of his life out of the womb were spent on a few monitors which really made it hard to hold him.  The nurses were really great with us but they all seemed a little wary of getting him in and out a lot.  I hated that I had to ASK to hold my baby.  He needed me but I don't think that was priority to them.  After he hit a few milestones like being able to regulate his own temperature and his oxygen levels stayed up, they weren't as concerned.  Each day he lost a cord that he was hooked to until he finally lost that nasty iv.  I could see my baby again without all the tubes and wires that he was attached to.  I felt for Brian seeing as how he hardly got any time with him at first.  Baby was on my chest for a bit right after delivery and then Brian got a few minutes with him.  When we were in the special care unit, we could only get him out for feedings at first so daddy wasn't really included there.  Needless to say we ALL breathed a little easier as Evan progressed.  When I was a patient also, it was difficult to remember when I needed medications (one every 4 hours and one every 8).  I needed to be back in my room to get those or I would be regretting it!  I also tried to be back in time for meals too. But, then I wanted to be available for Evan when he needed to eat too.  I told them that I didn't want him to have any formula which meant that I needed to stick close in case he woke up and needed to eat.  I also tried to pump as much as possible so that there would be milk in the room if they ever needed it and I was gone.  I was doing all of that on no sleep the first 2 days and minimal the next 3.  I didn't sleep well at night because Evan would go into an arching fit and would be coughing up fluids.  It was pretty alarming but since the nurses didn't seem concerned at it, I took it upon myself to make sure he wasn't going to choke on it.  Their reasoning was that if it was stressing him, it would show on his monitors and they would come check on him.  That wasn't good enough to me because after all he's been through, I was not going to let anything else "stress" him.  So, whenever he made any sort of noise, I woke up.  Some of the times it led to his arching fits and I shot out of bed to make sure he didn't swallow any of it.  Our hospital stay was definitely not sunshine and roses but I guess they usually aren't.  I was discharged after our 2nd day there but Evan was still there for 3 more days.  We stuck close to the room and only went home after Evan's nurse made me go home and take a nap.  I'm sure I looked terrible.  I was admitted on thursday afternoon and delivered Evan friday morning at 8:30 a.m. and then he was finally discharged Monday evening.  It was QUITE the ordeal!

This was not the way I pictured our rainbow baby entering our lives but I thank God every day for this wonderful little guy who has put a mend on a broken heart.  There will always be a scar where the piece that belongs to Lillian was torn away.  I know that the pain will never just go away and sometimes little things will make my scar ache for her.  As we go along our day to day life, I stop and think for just a brief moment, "Who is missing?"  I feel a little tug at my heart when I realize, that the little girl who should be running around and keeping us busy is only watching us from above.  A mother's heart will always long for all of her children and although we never had Lillian in our home, her name is written in my heart and could never be forgotten.  Even when I know that she is not here and have never experienced any time with her physically, I think deep down, I know she's here and present in our lives.  So since she's so very present, I'll look around and wonder who I'm missing.  For that split second I am a little confused and then I remind myself that although she is "missing" she will always be present.