Adios 2012

Man, I'm so happy to see 2012 come to an end.  I know I shouldn't say this but I'm SO done with 2012.  It just sucked.  It more than sucked.  We had lost so many loved ones last year, cried many tears, gave many hugs, and it was just depressing.  That being said, SUCK IT 2012!!! I'm DONE with you!!! Phew, I feel better.  Haha, just typing that makes me feel better.

I'm ready to bring in a new year with my family having many wonderful blessings in our future.  I whole heartedly believe that we will have a fantastic year coming up.  Today I was thinking about Lillian and how we've come SO far, like leaps and bounds far.  We are coming up on 9 months.  In some senses it feels like April was decades ago, in other senses it feels like it is not so far away.  We have a new normal in our house and it includes Lillian in as many aspects as possible.  We had a great Christmas with exactly ZERO meltdowns from me!  I'm pretty proud of that one.  I dreaded all of the other holidays before this one but with Christmas, it was different.  I wasn't afraid of it.  I wanted to enjoy our family time and traditions.  I prayed (and had others praying for us) for a wonderful Christmas, and it was just that.  Simply wonderful.  I carried a peace around in my heart that my baby is in Heaven.  I had no sadness whatsoever.  It's hard to explain, but I know that it is the peace that only comes from God.  I hope it's here to stay.  I haven't had the overwhelming feeling of grief and sadness in a while and I hope to keep it that way.

I started to feel a little sad today but Lillian sent plenty of ladybugs to get me out of it and I'm doing well.  Even as I'm watching t.v. right now, there was a ladybug pinata.  Random, but I'll take it :P  Love my ladybugs.

I apologize if this post is super random and out there.  It's currently 12:30 a.m.  and I can't sleep so I decided blogging would be a nice remedy to my boredom.

Thank you all for the continued support and understanding, we are making it.  I'm ready for 2013 and all of the wonderful things that are in store.  Please keep us and our family in your prayers as we are ready for some happiness.  I know God is in charge and will carry us through anything.  I just pray that "anything" is a happier route next year.

God Bless and Happy New Year!

8 months

I mentioned in my last post that we were coming up on 8 months since Lillian went to be with Jesus.  I don't usually like to "keep up" with the time that has passed because it makes it seem like I'm keeping track.  I try not to keep a ticker in my head about how many days we've been through, but the 10th of every month will always be a reminder of our little girl.  I most definitely was apprehensive about this upcoming milestone.  We only had Lillian for 8 months and now we were approaching the 8 month mark of being without her.  I was kind of dreading this milestone.  I hated the thought of being without her longer than we had her here with us.  That being said, I prayed for guidance.  I know that so many prayers have gotten us this far and I wasn't going to give up now.  I prayed and knew in my heart that this day was NOT going to be a bad one.  I had some wonderful people tell me first thing Monday morning (the 10th) that they were praying for me.  They each told me that they knew I was going to get some ladybugs.  Oh wow you guys, they weren't kidding!! First thing in the morning, I went on an errand at school and the room that I went to was ladybug themed!  The whole room!  It's the same room that had the ladybug bulletin board on my first day of school and there are tons more inside :)  I was soo happy!  Later, a little girl asked me if I liked her tattoo and showed it to me... It was a Tinkerbell tattoo with a little ladybug on it :)  Another girl got stamps from going to Speech class and she happened to choose a ladybug that day.  After school I went grocery shopping and saw some ladybug toys while I was walking around Dillons.  Then, later that night, I was looking online through some sales and one of the toys that came up was a ladybug rattle.

I know, it seems ridiculous and there's always the thought in the back of my head that I'm just "looking" for them.  Well yeah!  I want to see them, but I KNOW they are from her.  I hadn't had many new ladybugs in a while, just a few here and there.  Whenever I asked Lillian to send me some and other people prayed that God would send me those special messages, I received them!  I think I counted 7 in one day!! That is just insane.  I love love love getting ladybugs but I try not to ask for them until I really need them.  It may take a day or two, but she never disappoints.

As far as a general report on how we're doing, we're doing well.  We miss Lillian. All. The. Time.  That will never change.  But what has changed is that we are healing.  We are on the mend.  Life is going on and we include her as much as we can.  I feel whole again.  I think my heart has accepted that she is my baby in Heaven.  We will always have the special aspect of having a child in Heaven and her siblings will grow up knowing that she is their older sister.  Our family wouldn't be complete without her.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  If I knew what was going to happen, what our life would be like, I'd still have her.  In a heartbeat I would have her.  There is life beyond this world.  I'd go through all the pain and heartache again to make sure she was with us in our future.  I love my precious daughter.  She has made us better people and brought our family closer together.  I will miss her until the day I die and I join her in Heaven, but I will live my life being the best mom I can be until then.

What's normal anyways?

Life is still going merrily along.  We're slowly easing into winter but when the weather is in the 60s and 70s it doesn't really feel like Christmas season.  I'm surprising myself with how gracefully this transition has gone as we near Christmas time.  I was honestly dreading this part of the year that revolves around family time and being thankful for everything.

 Somewhere downstairs there are adorable (read adorable as obnoxiously cute) tutu onesies that I bought last year after Christmas when they were on sale.  They are packed away with all of her other things that, God willing, will be used sometime in the future. I was so looking forward to dolling up my princess and toting her around in red and green tutus with bows bigger than her head.  I am slowly coming to terms with our new reality.  It still stings that Lillian won't be joining us this holiday season but I am starting to get used to the "new norm."

The new norm includes Brian and I making weekly trips to the cemetery to talk to our baby girl.  Sometimes with heavier hearts than others, but that's okay.  It also includes us spending lots of time together because I can't see myself being without my husband, because he's the only person who truly "gets" me.  Our norm also includes my heart skipping a beat and my palms sweaty when I meet someone new and they start a conversation because I'm wondering if they'll ask THE question, "So, do you have any kids?"  It means shopping for my daughter in the lawn and garden section for decor to put at her grave.  Our life revolves around ladybugs and prayers and time with family.  It is a new norm but I'm so happy to have a norm at all.

Not too long ago, our lives were shook up and we could hardly tell up from down.  Our lives are far from the average norm but I'm okay with that.  I'm claiming my life and wouldn't trade anyone for theirs.  There has been a lot of pain and sadness in our lives but God will always be there to love us through it.  We're looking forward to having a lot of good things and blessings in our future.  Like I said before, I wasn't too fond of Christmas creeping up on us but like always, God has other plans.  He's given me a peace that I know could only come from a supernatural being.  I'd expected to keep the Christmas decorations in the basement, avoid the chipper associates at the stores, and "putting up with the holidays."  Instead, God has given me joy for what we do have, and peace in knowing (once again like He's done so many other times) that my baby is alive.

Truth

Bleh.  I hate those times where I just can't seem to get out of the rut I'm stuck in.  There are a lot of emotions that go with grieving and loss and I've seem to hit every one of them.  Let's see, there's sadness, depression, anger, bitterness, numbness, confusion, more sadness, indifference, etc.  Rinse.  Lather.  Repeat.
Lately, I've been doing well overall.  The times of sadness are getting fewer and the times of happiness are getting more frequent.  There is the occasional "off" day that slips in there but for the most part, we're doing well.  A few nights ago, our day would probably qualify as one of those "off days".  There really was nothing relevant enough to make it any different than any other day but for one reason or another, I just felt upset.  I can't really specifically put my finger on what was bothering me, why I was feeling down, or what would make me feel better.  I will say that I was having one of those "What if my life is a lie?" type of days.  I'm sure you've had them and if you haven't, I'm sure you will.  But, mostly, I was thinking "What if I'm making this stuff up?  What if what I'm thinking is reassurance from God is just my head reaching for comfort that isn't there?  What if Lillian isn't waiting for me in Heaven?"   These questions aren't questions that I like to admit that I really had thought.  But, I feel like God's wanting me to share these very real thoughts.  I hated myself for doubting God and what He's done for us.  I DO have faith and know that He is taking care of us and will continue to do so.  I DO believe that Lillian is with Him in Heaven and that I will see her again.  But, in my time of sadness, the thoughts crept into my head.  I had mixed feelings because I felt like I was being a "bad christian" for doubting that God and wishing that I had some sort of proof or revelation.  However, slowly over the past few days, I'm starting to get some pieces to my puzzle.
I feel like God is laying on my heart to CHOOSE Him.  Always be in touch with your relationship with God, because that's how it will grow. It's okay to question your faith, it's alright to ask Him questions.  He's a big guy, and He knows a lot :)  I don't want to blindly follow a religion, I want to CHOOSE to have a relationship with the one true Almighty King.  I know Jesus welcomed my daughter into Heaven even before I knew she had left us.

One more thing to add to my ladybug list:
My mom sent me a message today that out of the blue at work, a new employee came up to her and greeted her with "Hi Ladybug!"
WOW!!! The lady had no idea of any of our story and of course my mom was delighted to get a ladybug from our Lillybug :)

God is real, He lives in our hearts.  He is there for those who call upon His name.  My daughter is in the presence of His glory and is awaiting the day we will join her.
Truth

Happy Thanksgiving

As we're lounging around today, the day after Thanksgiving, I'm thinking of all the things we're truly thankful for.  Although we've had a rough year and feel like we've been through the ringer, we still have so much to be thankful for.  I won't lie, some days are difficult, and some I really would rather not get out of bed.  It's those days that I need to remember be thankful for what we DO have even more.  Brian and I have been reading Jesus Calling to each other which has brought us comfort when we need it the most.  Today's entry is really fitting.
"As you sit quietly in my presence, let Me fill your heart and mind with thankfulness.  This is the most direct way to achieve a thankful stance.  If your mind needs a focal point, gaze at My Love poured out for you on the cross.  Remember that nothing in heaven or on earth can separate you from that Love.  This remembrance builds a foundation of gratitude in you, a foundation that circumstances cannot shake.
As you go through this day, look for tiny treasures strategically placed along the way.  I lovingly go before you and plant little pleasures to brighten your day.  Look carefully for them, and pluck them one by one.  When you reach the end of the day, you will have gathered a lovely bouquet.  Offer it up to Me with a grateful heart.  Receive My Peace as you lie down to sleep, with thankful thoughts playing a lullaby in your mind.
        For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  ~Romans 8:38-39
       You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.  
       I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord make me dwell in safety. ~Psalm 4:7-8"

I am really enjoying this book.   I especially love the part that speaks of tiny treasures placed in our lives.  It almost feels as if this entry was written specifically for us.  It almost seems that if life is getting too rough, I'll ask Lillian for some ladybugs and I can breathe a little easier for a bit.  Although I say the ladybugs are from Lillian, I know that God is allowing reassurance in our lives by sending us these little blessings.  I associate them with our baby girl and know that God is sending them for us.  I came across a little saying online today when I was perusing the web (no it had nothing to do with my search, ladybugs just pop up sometimes :)  It said:  Ladybugs bring luck, true love, and fair weather.
Our ladybug definitely brings all these things :)  We are still waiting for our fair weather, but I know it isn't far away.

I just love my baby girl.  I can't say it enough. Today in the middle of bathroom breaks at school I took station in the little girls room and did the usual routine of chatting and giving a few reminders on appropriate amounts of soap and paper towels.  As I was talking to one of the little girls, I called her by her name. Her sister chimed in, "That's not what we call her!" Thinking I just missed out on the memo of her nick name I replied, "oh you don't?  What do you guys call her? "
She happily stated, "We call her 'Ladybug Angel'.
I'm not even kidding! I was lost for words.... 
I have no idea of where she even came up with that, well I guess I do have a pretty good idea. But, really,I couldn't come up with this story if I wanted to. I will say that whenever I ask Lillian for ladybugs, she always keeps them coming. Sometimes not right when I ask for them, but I think that's just because she's stubborn like her momma. It may take a day or two but then I get a few all in one day...
Later today, the little boy I work with told me that he was looking for ladybugs on the playground... I know our little ladybug angel is hard at work :)

Life goes on...

Again, I don't have a specific topic to write about today.  I just haven't blogged in a while and I've missed it.  Even though I've slowed down on the blogging, life hasn't slowed down.  Brian and I stay busy with work, family, and spending time together.  Even though our life goes on, Lillian is still with me every day.  She is still on my mind all the time.

I recently celebrated my big 2-5.  I had imagined that I would have a start on having a family started by now.  I still can't believe that this is our life and we will never watch our first child grow up.  I miss her so much and honestly can't believe we've made it this far.  Really, it's not like we have any other choice.  Life goes on.  We are healing and growing.  Each day has its own struggle within, but we are learning how to move forward.  I can't believe that in less than a week, it will be seven months that have passed.  Not too much longer following that will be 8 months.  The same amount of time we had with her.  I don't really know what to expect when we hit that milestone.  It's a scary one.  One that I hate going through.  I cannot imagine getting to the point of being without her longer than we had with her.  One big thing that brings me comfort is that her life was meaningful.  She is acknowledged and she was here.  Slowly, we are moving away from the time we spent together and I don't want that to mean that I'm getting further from her.  

Brian and I are looking forward to our future (note: "FUTURE"  I still have some healing to do, don't get too excited.) and when we can give Lillian a sibling but that will bring new obstacles.  I'm sure it's similar to any parent's fears... "How will I have enough love for both of them?"  It's a little different in our case since our love for our children on Earth will differ from our love for Lillian.  But, I still know there will be an inner struggle of guilt and even more pain of realizing everything we are missing out on without Lillian.  And I stress "we" because I don't believe for a second that Lillian is missing out one miniscule.  I know we still have some time to go before any other children will be in our lives but I'm looking forward to that time as a time of healing.  It's one of the things that keeps us going, living our life as fulfillingly as possible until we can pick up our parenting hats again.  I know that we are still Lillian's parents but she really doesn't need anything we can offer her.  So we send her our love and hearts and tell her we can't wait until we can embrace her when she welcomes us into the gates of heaven.  

One of my family members who lost someone dear to them reminded me this past week that our loved ones who are in God's glory are no longer in our past, they live in our future and are waiting until the day we will be reunited.  Amen for that!  I don't know how people live without the hope of something more than this life.

I appreciate all of you sticking beside us and offering all your support and prayers.  It seems like the pain of loss and sadness is hitting too close to home for many people lately.  Just in my dad's side of the family, we have had 5 losses in 6 months.  That is just WAY too much for anyone to handle.  We are definitely taking a hit from the enemy, but I'm not buckling.  I'm taking a stand for our family and telling the enemy that enough is enough.  I would appreciate prayers for our family and I'll even make it easy.....  Will you pray in agreement with me please?

God, please place your hand of protection on their (our) family and cover them with your love in their time of need.  Send each and every one hurting from loss, comfort, peace and healing.  I pray that you wrap them in your love and send them others to surround them with your love and guidance.  Please bless those who are going through difficult times and take their pain and suffering.  Send them lots of great things and open their eyes to the wonderful things you have in store.  In your holy name, Amen.

Thank you so much friends (and family).  We love you all so much and wouldn't know how to get through this without you.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Mommy!