I recently celebrated my big 2-5. I had imagined that I would have a start on having a family started by now. I still can't believe that this is our life and we will never watch our first child grow up. I miss her so much and honestly can't believe we've made it this far. Really, it's not like we have any other choice. Life goes on. We are healing and growing. Each day has its own struggle within, but we are learning how to move forward. I can't believe that in less than a week, it will be seven months that have passed. Not too much longer following that will be 8 months. The same amount of time we had with her. I don't really know what to expect when we hit that milestone. It's a scary one. One that I hate going through. I cannot imagine getting to the point of being without her longer than we had with her. One big thing that brings me comfort is that her life was meaningful. She is acknowledged and she was here. Slowly, we are moving away from the time we spent together and I don't want that to mean that I'm getting further from her.
Brian and I are looking forward to our future (note: "FUTURE" I still have some healing to do, don't get too excited.) and when we can give Lillian a sibling but that will bring new obstacles. I'm sure it's similar to any parent's fears... "How will I have enough love for both of them?" It's a little different in our case since our love for our children on Earth will differ from our love for Lillian. But, I still know there will be an inner struggle of guilt and even more pain of realizing everything we are missing out on without Lillian. And I stress "we" because I don't believe for a second that Lillian is missing out one miniscule. I know we still have some time to go before any other children will be in our lives but I'm looking forward to that time as a time of healing. It's one of the things that keeps us going, living our life as fulfillingly as possible until we can pick up our parenting hats again. I know that we are still Lillian's parents but she really doesn't need anything we can offer her. So we send her our love and hearts and tell her we can't wait until we can embrace her when she welcomes us into the gates of heaven.
One of my family members who lost someone dear to them reminded me this past week that our loved ones who are in God's glory are no longer in our past, they live in our future and are waiting until the day we will be reunited. Amen for that! I don't know how people live without the hope of something more than this life.
I appreciate all of you sticking beside us and offering all your support and prayers. It seems like the pain of loss and sadness is hitting too close to home for many people lately. Just in my dad's side of the family, we have had 5 losses in 6 months. That is just WAY too much for anyone to handle. We are definitely taking a hit from the enemy, but I'm not buckling. I'm taking a stand for our family and telling the enemy that enough is enough. I would appreciate prayers for our family and I'll even make it easy..... Will you pray in agreement with me please?
God, please place your hand of protection on their (our) family and cover them with your love in their time of need. Send each and every one hurting from loss, comfort, peace and healing. I pray that you wrap them in your love and send them others to surround them with your love and guidance. Please bless those who are going through difficult times and take their pain and suffering. Send them lots of great things and open their eyes to the wonderful things you have in store. In your holy name, Amen.
Thank you so much friends (and family). We love you all so much and wouldn't know how to get through this without you.
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Mommy!
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Mommy!
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