WAAAAY overdue for a post!

So much has happened since I updated last!  We found out a few weeks ago that little dragonfly is another...B-O-Y!!  I had NO inkling of what baby was gonna be and I wouldn't even guess because I insisted to Brian that our little Bumblebee was a girl for half the pregnancy. Big surprise to me, we had a little bumblebee boy.  I learned my lesson and wouldn't dare mutter a guess this time.  Either way, I was ready to find out though!  This pregnancy has gone by so incredibly fast so far.  I've been running around after a toddler most of the time so it's easy to get lost in the weeks.  When it came find to time out the sex of the baby, it seemed surreal that we were already at 20 weeks!  I was thrilled to see little dragonfly was very cooperative and is a handsome little guy.  At the ultrasound, we got to see all his growing little features, which look so different than the first time we saw him.  He got a good report and is growing nice and healthy.  Brian and I also noticed that we can see a difference in his profile, he looks different than Evan already.  I can't wait to see his perfect little face in about 16(ish) weeks!
I'm so incredibly thankful that God chose Allan to join this family.  A lot of times people will answer the seemingly innocent question, "what do you want to have?" They expect to hear either "boy" or "girl" but most people will answer with the safe answer, "a healthy baby!"  I always resort to the latter answer but I truly mean it.  I literally could not care less whether baby was a boy or a girl.  I want them to be a healthy and happy child and one who God has chosen to place in our care.  I was not disappointed that this baby was a little boy, I'm disappointed that my girl is not here.  So, no, we were not "trying" for another girl.  We were wanting another child to join us, no matter what sex he or she be.  We felt God had placed it on our hearts to have another child right away and decided to do so.  I will say, I do think that God has plans for us to have another little girl in the future (eventually).  I just feel it in my heart.  My heart longs for the daughter I lost and I will never ever be able to fill her void, but for whatever reason, God has chosen boys to be in our lives right now and I am happy to be their mommy!
As you may have noticed, we chose the name "Allan" for baby number three.  There were a few reasons why we chose this name and why we thought God had given this name to us.  First of all, the meanings of names are so important to us.  When you speak, there is power in your words.  When we say our children's names, we want there to be meaning behind it, something positive.  Another reason we chose it, is kind of silly.  It's mostly on my account too.  We had the trend of Brian and I (Jordan) having names that end with "n".  After we named Lillian with a name that followed the trend, I had to keep going.  So I insisted that the rest of the children have names that end with "n" and we had to agree on something that had an appropriate meaning to it.  The meanings to their names are:
"Lillian"- Innocence, Purity, Beauty
"Evan"- God is gracious
"Allan"-Harmony, stone, noble, and handsome
I think they all fit them perfectly and I know once we grow to know Allan more, we will see that his personality will grow along with the meaning of his name.  He already brings more harmony to our family with his presence and I know he's already handsome!  Just look at this face!

My ladybug loves her bumblebee and dragonfly

Some time has passed by since I've updated the blog.  Here's a few things that have happened recently.

Evan (bumblebee) is almost a year old!!  I cannot believe how big he is and how much he's growing every day.  I miss that teeny little guy that fit in the crook of my neck.  I'm in awe of his little discoveries everyday and this little man is a momma's boy, it warms my heart.  He's currently crawling everywhere, walking along furniture, saying "mama, dada, more, ball, and bye."  He can wave bye-bye, clap his hands, patty cake, plays peek-a-boo, and high fives.  Sometimes if I'm lucky he'll even give me a kiss.  One of his favorite games is rolling/throwing a ball back and forth, he's pretty coordinated for an 11 month old!  The last few days, he's even taking a few steps!  He's fearless!  We may have a toddler on our hands pretty soon.

Little dragonfly is now 15 weeks along!  I'm in the second trimester and feeling great.  I have a fetal doppler that I can use to hear baby's heartbeat and it is soooo reassuring, especially since I have very little pregnancy symptoms.  We got to see dragonfly at my first appointment and everything looks perfect!  He/she was wiggling around and it was just the cutest thing.  I'm so in love with this little one already!

Dragonfly-11 weeks

Our little Ladybug has been busy too.  Not long ago, I had a conversation with my hubby talking about how Lillian seemed so much closer to us with Evan's pregnancy.  I know I needed her desperately to get me through his pregnancy.  This time around, we have Evan as a distraction and it helps the pregnancy go by quicker.  But, as I was telling Brian, it still doesn't replace our firstborn, I still need her close to me.  With Evan, I had ladybugs everywhere, all the time.  It was even in the news how there were record amounts of ladybugs that spring.  With this baby, I've maybe had a few here and there but they were very sparse.  After that brief chat, I prayed that God would show me that Lillian knows this baby too, and that she knows that she's still such a huge part of our family.  Low and behold, the next day I got 3!  Randomly throughout the day, they popped up.  My little girl is still right here keeping close to momma.  It felt so good to see some ladybugs after not seeing any for so long.  She always has a way to warm her mommy's heart.

I have another ladybug story from last night that made my jaw drop... I gave Evan a bath after dinner and used my apron-towel (I told you about winning this towel in THIS blog) to wrap him up and I came into the living room to snuggle with him on the couch.  All the sudden he sits straight up and points to something on
the towel.  I look down and whatdoyaknow? He's pointing right at the ladybug!! I am NOT even exaggerating, literally he was taking one finger and pointing directly at the ladybug on his towel.  He started jabbering in his baby-nese about something but still, pointed only at the ladybug.  I told Brian, "Look!  He's pointing at the ladybug!"  and told Evan, "Yes baby, that's for sissy.  Ladybug"  He kept pointing so I told Brian to grab his phone and take a pic.  It was so sweet.  This was the first time that Evan had ever made a gesture to acknowledge his sissy.  I wonder if she sends him ladybugs in his dreams or something... For one reason or another, he was drawn to that ladybug and my heart was so full in that moment.

Precious!

Dragonfly on the way!

Yep, you read that right.  Baby number 3 is on it's way and we have lovingly named this one "Dragonfly".  I didn't want this one to be left out so we thought we'd continue the bug theme.  Some of the important info:  I am about 7 weeks along.  My due date is unofficially February 25th, so it's a toss up whether we have a February or March baby.  By my track record, I would put my money on an early delivery.  I haven't seen my dr yet, but will update with new information as we get it.  I do know that my doctor will still consider this pregnancy high risk since I've had 2 previous high risk deliveries.  So, we'll get to do a lot of cautionary testing and ultrasounds.  I was really thankful for those since that's how Evan's dilated umbilical cord was detected.  For those of you who don't remember/don't know, at a routine screen when I was 37 weeks was when they spotted an abnormality on his ultrasound.  My dr made the decision that Evan would be safer out of my womb than in it, so he made an early appearance.  The only reason I was being watched so carefully was because of what happened to our little girl.  If it weren't for her, Evan's abnormality may have gone unnoticed. I don't even want to think of what could have happened to him.  I'm very thankful for my excellent medical care and will be very appreciative of the extra attention we receive this time around also.
Of course we are SO thankful for little dragonfly but we are cautiously excited.  We know how long it takes for a little one to become strong enough to join us on the outside world and are taking this pregnancy a day at a time.  Please keep our baby in your prayers that he/she will join us healthy and happy.

And, since we have been asked multiple times already and I know you're just itching to ask... YES, this baby was planned and YES we are crazy :)

Father's day

We recently celebrated Brian's first Father's Day with a baby here in our arms.  It was such a sweet and calm day.  He opted for us to hang out at home and just be a family.  We of course made a trip to the cemetery to celebrate the one who made us parents.  Lillian has been sending us ladybugs lately and all her lilies are blooming in our garden.  We are so blessed to have her presence still in our lives and to have the reassurance of her spirit so close.  I know that only through our Father in Heaven that this is possible.  He sends us the blessing of being reassured through her ladybugs.  I know a lot of the time I'll say Lillian sends us signs or ladybugs, but I know that it is truly from God.  He gives us the closeness to her even though she's in Heaven.  I couldn't have the hope or belief of ever seeing her again if it weren't for my relationship with God and His promise that one day we will all be reunited again.  It is only through that knowledge and strength that I can get through my days.  My baby girl is perfect, lovely, and with the one who loved us first.

 
I wanted to write a post for my hubby and thank him for the wonderful, irreplaceable gifts of our children.  I love you forever, honey!  Thanks for being such a great dad to our children and the best husband to me!

Lately I've been thinking of Lillian more.  I'm not exactly sure what's sparking it but I've been missing her especially when I look at Evan.  I watch him smile, learn, play, and grow and I know that I will never get to watch my little girl do any of these things.  I am so in love with this little boy who babbles and coos and calls me "dada" all day long (no matter how many times I say, "No, I'm mama").  However, my heart still knows that this sweet, precious little being is only half of my heart.  My sweet angel may be with us in spirit and I know she knows her mama, but I don't know her.  This is a fact I have to accept on a daily basis.  Every milestone and every giggle holds a silent grief in my heart for the loss of those experiences with our girl.  I can't get enough of this little guy and I know his sister is watching over him.  I thank God for the time we had with both of our children and pray that Lillian keeps sending us her ladybugs.  Thanks for the support and please say a quick prayer for healing and reassurance for our family.  Thank you, friends.

My Mother's Day was just fabulous.  I can't say anything extravagant or spectacular occurred, but it was my favorite so far!  My first Mother's Day was only a month after losing Lillian.  I can safely say that will be my worst Mother's Day of my life.  My family took special care to acknowledge the fact that I'm still a mommy, but it was still just heartbreaking. My second Mother's Day, I was about 4 months pregnant with Evan.  I loved being a mommy to two precious babies, but neither were in my arms!  This year, I got to celebrate with the sweetest, snuggliest, most handsome guy around.  He was my favorite gift!  We also had our dedication at church this day, which just makes the day even more special.  I got to stand alongside my husband and introduce our son to the church and pledge to raise our child to love God and raise him up to know Christ.  All of our family came to support us and pray over us, which was such a bittersweet moment.  I wholly know that one of the hands laid on us was from Evan's big sister.  We never got a ceremony to dedicate her to God, mostly because she doesn't need one.  She is with Him!  We couldn't raise her to know Him near as well as she does now.  She's the one teaching us!  I had such a sweet time with family and am so grateful for the wonderful moms in my life.  I'm especially grateful for the little girl who made me a mom.  She has and will always hold a piece of my heart.

2 Years Old!

Yeah, you read that right.  Our baby girl isn't a baby anymore!  It's so unbelievable that our precious baby girl is 2 years old!! I realize that outside our realm of time, she isn't literally two years old.  But since I have no clue how time works in heaven, she is a bouncing, bubbly 2 year old in my mind.  I like to believe she had the most wonderful ladybug birthday party in heaven, and one of these days I'm going to hear all about it.  Brian, Evan, and I celebrated her birthday by spending the day together.  Brian took off work so he could spend some time with us.  One of the traditions I started last year was ordering flowers from the same woman who arranged her funeral flowers.  She is a wonderful woman whom God placed in our path when we needed her the most.  We brought Evan by the shop to show him off and picked up our lily arrangement, which was beautiful.  Afterwards, we got lunch and then took a balloon out to the cemetery.  It was a very sweet and lovely day that I got to spend with the people that make my world turn.  Before bed that night, I looked up at the sky and told my daughter I loved her and to stay close to momma.  I also asked her to please send me more ladybugs.  I need them!

My little girl works in funny ways.  No matter what I'm expecting or wanting, I always seem to learn a lesson of patience.  I would have loved nothing more than to have a day full of ladybugs all over.  I had wanted her birthday to be a day of reassurance and understanding that no matter what, she is still present with us.  So, I may have been a little discouraged when I didn't get a single one on her birthday.  NOT ONE!  The next day we had a memorial day for our close family and I did end up seeing one, maybe two that day.  It was also a lovely day spent remembering and honoring a special girl who will always have a place in our family.  My family is awesome and didn't find it a bit odd when I asked them to come over for a memorial day for her.  Everyone showed up and supported us just as they always do, and I love them so much for it.   The next day, however was a ladies night at our church.  It was something I was looking forward to but I definitely didn't expect it to have anything to do with Lillian.  We sat down to a delicious dinner and then later had a guest speaker who had a very good message that was refreshing, yet hard to stomach all in one.

On our way in to the sanctuary, I grabbed my sister and the arm and said, "Oh look!  That bag is so cute!"  Sure enough, this girl had a gift bag that had ladybugs all over it.  I didn't really think much of it until later.  I should have known that my baby girl was gonna sneak into this wonderful message and open my eyes to something I needed to work on.  We found our seats and waited for the guest speaker to share her story with us.  As this very wonderful woman of God took the stage and started speaking, she mentioned forgiveness.  I sat there intently listening to her message as she said, "...I forgive you, now you need to forgive yourself"  As she said that, it was like I could breathe a little easier.  I could feel God's presence and He was telling me, "This part, listen to this".  I don't know how to describe how you feel when you know God is near.  It was loud and clear: I needed to forgive myself.  No "ifs" or "buts" about it.  I have always carried this "mommy guilt" around.  You know, that guilt that "if only..." you were to do this or "I should have" done that.  I definitely had major mommy guilt with Lillian.  You can tell me until you're blue in the face that it wasn't preventable and that it was only a freak accident, but in the back of my mind there's that mommy guilt that doesn't budge.  Well, I sat in church realizing that the ladybug bag was to get my attention as if to say, "Pay attention to this, mommy!"  I knew exactly what she was referring to.  I needed to forgive myself.  I let it go right then and there.  It wasn't necessarily a tear-jerking, gut-wrenching, kneel down and bawling moment.  I had a realization and simply just handed it over to God.  I can't carry the burden of our loss on my shoulders and the feeling that I could have done something different.  I choose to pass that along and will not let it weigh me down anymore.

I love that my little girl has done it again.  She never fails to make her momma proud.  I may not get my ladybugs right away, or even in the way I picture, but she does send them in her time.  I absolutely love my special connection to heaven and being close to her is all I could ask for.

daddy and evan at cemetery

such a cutie!

mommy and evan

our ladybug cake

beautiful lily and ladybug flower arrangement