Dragonfly on the way!

Yep, you read that right.  Baby number 3 is on it's way and we have lovingly named this one "Dragonfly".  I didn't want this one to be left out so we thought we'd continue the bug theme.  Some of the important info:  I am about 7 weeks along.  My due date is unofficially February 25th, so it's a toss up whether we have a February or March baby.  By my track record, I would put my money on an early delivery.  I haven't seen my dr yet, but will update with new information as we get it.  I do know that my doctor will still consider this pregnancy high risk since I've had 2 previous high risk deliveries.  So, we'll get to do a lot of cautionary testing and ultrasounds.  I was really thankful for those since that's how Evan's dilated umbilical cord was detected.  For those of you who don't remember/don't know, at a routine screen when I was 37 weeks was when they spotted an abnormality on his ultrasound.  My dr made the decision that Evan would be safer out of my womb than in it, so he made an early appearance.  The only reason I was being watched so carefully was because of what happened to our little girl.  If it weren't for her, Evan's abnormality may have gone unnoticed. I don't even want to think of what could have happened to him.  I'm very thankful for my excellent medical care and will be very appreciative of the extra attention we receive this time around also.
Of course we are SO thankful for little dragonfly but we are cautiously excited.  We know how long it takes for a little one to become strong enough to join us on the outside world and are taking this pregnancy a day at a time.  Please keep our baby in your prayers that he/she will join us healthy and happy.

And, since we have been asked multiple times already and I know you're just itching to ask... YES, this baby was planned and YES we are crazy :)

Father's day

We recently celebrated Brian's first Father's Day with a baby here in our arms.  It was such a sweet and calm day.  He opted for us to hang out at home and just be a family.  We of course made a trip to the cemetery to celebrate the one who made us parents.  Lillian has been sending us ladybugs lately and all her lilies are blooming in our garden.  We are so blessed to have her presence still in our lives and to have the reassurance of her spirit so close.  I know that only through our Father in Heaven that this is possible.  He sends us the blessing of being reassured through her ladybugs.  I know a lot of the time I'll say Lillian sends us signs or ladybugs, but I know that it is truly from God.  He gives us the closeness to her even though she's in Heaven.  I couldn't have the hope or belief of ever seeing her again if it weren't for my relationship with God and His promise that one day we will all be reunited again.  It is only through that knowledge and strength that I can get through my days.  My baby girl is perfect, lovely, and with the one who loved us first.

 
I wanted to write a post for my hubby and thank him for the wonderful, irreplaceable gifts of our children.  I love you forever, honey!  Thanks for being such a great dad to our children and the best husband to me!

Lately I've been thinking of Lillian more.  I'm not exactly sure what's sparking it but I've been missing her especially when I look at Evan.  I watch him smile, learn, play, and grow and I know that I will never get to watch my little girl do any of these things.  I am so in love with this little boy who babbles and coos and calls me "dada" all day long (no matter how many times I say, "No, I'm mama").  However, my heart still knows that this sweet, precious little being is only half of my heart.  My sweet angel may be with us in spirit and I know she knows her mama, but I don't know her.  This is a fact I have to accept on a daily basis.  Every milestone and every giggle holds a silent grief in my heart for the loss of those experiences with our girl.  I can't get enough of this little guy and I know his sister is watching over him.  I thank God for the time we had with both of our children and pray that Lillian keeps sending us her ladybugs.  Thanks for the support and please say a quick prayer for healing and reassurance for our family.  Thank you, friends.

My Mother's Day was just fabulous.  I can't say anything extravagant or spectacular occurred, but it was my favorite so far!  My first Mother's Day was only a month after losing Lillian.  I can safely say that will be my worst Mother's Day of my life.  My family took special care to acknowledge the fact that I'm still a mommy, but it was still just heartbreaking. My second Mother's Day, I was about 4 months pregnant with Evan.  I loved being a mommy to two precious babies, but neither were in my arms!  This year, I got to celebrate with the sweetest, snuggliest, most handsome guy around.  He was my favorite gift!  We also had our dedication at church this day, which just makes the day even more special.  I got to stand alongside my husband and introduce our son to the church and pledge to raise our child to love God and raise him up to know Christ.  All of our family came to support us and pray over us, which was such a bittersweet moment.  I wholly know that one of the hands laid on us was from Evan's big sister.  We never got a ceremony to dedicate her to God, mostly because she doesn't need one.  She is with Him!  We couldn't raise her to know Him near as well as she does now.  She's the one teaching us!  I had such a sweet time with family and am so grateful for the wonderful moms in my life.  I'm especially grateful for the little girl who made me a mom.  She has and will always hold a piece of my heart.

2 Years Old!

Yeah, you read that right.  Our baby girl isn't a baby anymore!  It's so unbelievable that our precious baby girl is 2 years old!! I realize that outside our realm of time, she isn't literally two years old.  But since I have no clue how time works in heaven, she is a bouncing, bubbly 2 year old in my mind.  I like to believe she had the most wonderful ladybug birthday party in heaven, and one of these days I'm going to hear all about it.  Brian, Evan, and I celebrated her birthday by spending the day together.  Brian took off work so he could spend some time with us.  One of the traditions I started last year was ordering flowers from the same woman who arranged her funeral flowers.  She is a wonderful woman whom God placed in our path when we needed her the most.  We brought Evan by the shop to show him off and picked up our lily arrangement, which was beautiful.  Afterwards, we got lunch and then took a balloon out to the cemetery.  It was a very sweet and lovely day that I got to spend with the people that make my world turn.  Before bed that night, I looked up at the sky and told my daughter I loved her and to stay close to momma.  I also asked her to please send me more ladybugs.  I need them!

My little girl works in funny ways.  No matter what I'm expecting or wanting, I always seem to learn a lesson of patience.  I would have loved nothing more than to have a day full of ladybugs all over.  I had wanted her birthday to be a day of reassurance and understanding that no matter what, she is still present with us.  So, I may have been a little discouraged when I didn't get a single one on her birthday.  NOT ONE!  The next day we had a memorial day for our close family and I did end up seeing one, maybe two that day.  It was also a lovely day spent remembering and honoring a special girl who will always have a place in our family.  My family is awesome and didn't find it a bit odd when I asked them to come over for a memorial day for her.  Everyone showed up and supported us just as they always do, and I love them so much for it.   The next day, however was a ladies night at our church.  It was something I was looking forward to but I definitely didn't expect it to have anything to do with Lillian.  We sat down to a delicious dinner and then later had a guest speaker who had a very good message that was refreshing, yet hard to stomach all in one.

On our way in to the sanctuary, I grabbed my sister and the arm and said, "Oh look!  That bag is so cute!"  Sure enough, this girl had a gift bag that had ladybugs all over it.  I didn't really think much of it until later.  I should have known that my baby girl was gonna sneak into this wonderful message and open my eyes to something I needed to work on.  We found our seats and waited for the guest speaker to share her story with us.  As this very wonderful woman of God took the stage and started speaking, she mentioned forgiveness.  I sat there intently listening to her message as she said, "...I forgive you, now you need to forgive yourself"  As she said that, it was like I could breathe a little easier.  I could feel God's presence and He was telling me, "This part, listen to this".  I don't know how to describe how you feel when you know God is near.  It was loud and clear: I needed to forgive myself.  No "ifs" or "buts" about it.  I have always carried this "mommy guilt" around.  You know, that guilt that "if only..." you were to do this or "I should have" done that.  I definitely had major mommy guilt with Lillian.  You can tell me until you're blue in the face that it wasn't preventable and that it was only a freak accident, but in the back of my mind there's that mommy guilt that doesn't budge.  Well, I sat in church realizing that the ladybug bag was to get my attention as if to say, "Pay attention to this, mommy!"  I knew exactly what she was referring to.  I needed to forgive myself.  I let it go right then and there.  It wasn't necessarily a tear-jerking, gut-wrenching, kneel down and bawling moment.  I had a realization and simply just handed it over to God.  I can't carry the burden of our loss on my shoulders and the feeling that I could have done something different.  I choose to pass that along and will not let it weigh me down anymore.

I love that my little girl has done it again.  She never fails to make her momma proud.  I may not get my ladybugs right away, or even in the way I picture, but she does send them in her time.  I absolutely love my special connection to heaven and being close to her is all I could ask for.

daddy and evan at cemetery

such a cutie!

mommy and evan

our ladybug cake

beautiful lily and ladybug flower arrangement

I rarely find time to sit down and collect my thoughts anymore (go figure).  I feel a little guilty that I don't blog as much as I'd like, but I have to remind myself that blogging does not equate to how much I love my daughter.  Like I have said multiple times, I think of Lillian every day.  I try to picture what she would look like, how she would be as a big sister, and if she would have Brian's dimples like Evan does.  I cannot believe how much I can see her in Evan.  Last week, I leaned over the bassinet and watched Evan as he slept.  All at once a sadness swept over me as I saw my sweet baby girl's face in his.  His sweet little upturned lips looked exactly like hers did when we held her almost two whole years ago.  I cried because I missed my daughter, I cried because I love my son, I cried because I wanted them both here together.  I still miss her immensely.  I have to remind myself that in the times of my self pity and sadness, it wasn't meant for them both to be together.  It never was in God's plan for my two children to be with us at the same time.  If our sweet little baby girl had stayed here on Earth with us, Brian and I would have never decided to have another child so soon after a cesarean.  Since she went to be with Jesus, we both had a strong urge to be parents as soon as we felt it safe.  That's where Evan comes in.  He's only here because Lillian couldn't be, and she sent us this perfect little guy to mend our broken hearts.  He has been the BEST healing we could ask for.  Only Evan can make me smile through the tears with his big, gummy, drooly grins and huge dimples.  I tell him about his big sissy every so often and always mention how much she loves him.  It may seem silly but I think he's seen her.  I like to think that she is around us every day and that he catches glimpses of her throughout our day.  I pray that he will come to love her just as much as we do.  She holds such a huge part of our hearts.

I don't know the extent of how we will keep her in our lives and in her siblings lives.  I just know that I want her to be present.  I imagine we will just continue to parent just as we've been living our lives these past two years, whatever feels right.  One thing I do know, this is what we needed.  God has been with, carried, surrounded, and comforted us throughout this whole time.  I would not have chosen this path for us to take, but I will use our story to lead others to Christ and teach our children how their older sister helped us to see our way through.

I can't get over those big blue eyes!

*Disclaimer*  I wrote this post 2 whole months ago and didn't get a chance to finish it and am just now sitting down to finish writing (oops).  I need to write another post on what Evan's doing now at 4 months.  I promise I will not wait as long anymore :(

Wow, it has been entirely too long since I've tapped these keys for a blog post.  Our little man is 2 months now!  Every day, I fall in love with him a little more.  Even though I only saw Lillian for a few minutes, (by choice) I see her in him all the time.  They share the same chubby cheeks, wrinkled head, and beautiful pouty lips.  It is such a blessing for him to have some resemblance to her so I can see a flicker of her as he grows.

A little bit of an update Evan:  He is doing fabulous.  He does struggle with colic and acid reflux but we are doing our best to help every way we can.  He's been going to a chiropractor and we have already noticed a change.  It's helped his attitude even, since he's not so uncomfortable.  His new trick is smiling!  I LOVE seeing that big, gummy grin.  I also love the fact that he's got his daddy's dimples, so precious!  He does have a little bit of a ornery side, as he likes to flip us the bird on a daily basis.  I find it quite amusing for the time being :)  I love every second of being his mommy and can't wait to see what else he has in store for us.

Back to our birth story...
I left off talking about our fav nurse ever.  That was my absolute favorite part of labor/delivery, of course that's not including getting to hold my baby.   It was just as if God was saying, "I'm here."  I knew that once again He sent our angel to take care of us.
After reuniting with our nurse and reminiscing about our little angel baby, we had to get on with business.  I remember telling my nurse that we do not do things very easy.  Our last pregnancy was completely devastating and this one was fine up until they found an abnormality and then it was panic time.  We got checked in and went through the million routine questions and waited for the doctors to come in.  After a little bit of chit-chat, it was finally time for my test.  I was having an amniocentesis, which is basically extracting some of the amniotic fluid from my tummy by using a big needle.  It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't really the worst thing ever. It did kinda stink that the first time they stuck me, Evan moved into the way so they had to take it out and redo it.  They extracted some fluid and sent it off to be tested to see if baby's lungs were developed.  We assumed that they would be but as luck would have it, the test came back "inconclusive."  Great.  I was so lost at that point.  The test coming back inconclusive meant that my doctor couldn't technically induce me.  The medical "red tape" has guidelines that you have to abide by in order to be eligible to be induced.  Basically, my wonderful dr was trying to find any way around sending me home.  Because, at that point, her hands were kind of tied.  The problem was that Evan's umbilical vein issue was not really critical, but it's so rare that there was not a lot of documentation on it.  It was explained to me that the times that it had been monitored in other cases, it has lead to infant fatality (although it was not a high number of those cases, it was still a very real possibility).  Since it's extremely rare, there hasn't been a whole lot of research on it.  Everyone agreed that the risk of him being born a little early was minimal compared to the risk of him remaining in the womb.  I could not go home and have peace of mind that he would be alright.  There's really no way of monitoring that condition to be sure he was alright.  The biggest risk of him to make an early appearance would be that he may have slight breathing issues, but as far along as he was, there wasn't a huge concern.  My doctor did all she could to "naturally" induce me (basically without breaking the water or using meds.)  Apparently it worked because within the hour, I was dilated from a 1 to a 3.  She could now admit me to the hospital and break my water to help speed things along.  I was so relieved to be admitted to the hospital because I knew that I was in good hands and our baby boy would be born soon.  But, I also knew that I had a big task ahead of me and I was NOT mentally prepared for it!
It was quite a loong night that night. I was admitted at 3:00 on Thursday afternoon and delivered him at 8:30 the next morning.  I tried my hardest to get things moving along on my own, but my body just was not ready.  I needed some help progressing so I was put on meds that would speed up labor and contractions were not very nice to me!  I was nauseated and shaky around midnight when I finally decided to get my epidural.  It was my hope that I could sleep a little bit that night and save my energy for the big finale.  That didn't go as planned either.  Sometime around 1 or 2 a.m. my nurse came in and told me that the baby's heart rate was dropping with every contraction and that if it were going to continue to do so, it could mean a cesarean.  I was definitely NOT having that!  I sat up in bed and Brian and I prayed through every single contraction that baby would be protected and that he wouldn't have any stress on him.  When Brian got so tired that he fell asleep, I continued praying through the night.  I watched Evan's heart rate monitor and I think it maybe dropped only twice after that.  I was so thankful that God was protecting him.  I really really didn't want to have to deal with recovering from surgery.  I think a lot of it had to do with our past delivery.  I really wanted this experience to be completely different from our first.  I couldn't really be too delighted to meet our little guy when one, I'm in the middle of a major surgery, and two, it just reminded me of our last experience.  Well, God heard our cries and pleas for protection over our son because I had no more issues with labor after that.  It was 6 or 7 in the morning when my nurse came in and told me that I was good to go and could have the baby within the hour.  Phew!  I was so thankful but so utterly exhausted.  I remember Brian coming over to my side and cheerfully saying, "This is it!  We're about to have a baby!"  I'm pretty sure I replied with, "Shut up."  Yeah, you read that right.  My cranky self had been up all night going through all these pokes and prods and contractions and I just wasn't exactly seeing sunshine and rainbows yet.  I was annoyed that we weren't about to have a baby, I was!  My hubby kinda chuckled at me and took it all in stride.  He knew it was just the lack of sleep talking.  I had been up for over 24 hours at that point while he had gotten some cat naps in.  When everyone started filing in and all the stuff started getting prepped, I was thinking to myself, "Okay, this is it.  Once we get this little guy out here, all of the worry and stress is over with."
All the nurses, assistants, doctors, (and I'm convinced there were a few other people who just came for the big show) decided it was go time.  After about 10-15 minutes of pushing, out popped the most handsome little guy I've ever laid eyes on.  Brian leaned over me as close as he could get and held us both.  We were in awe.  The doctor tried to hand Brian the scissors to cut the cord, but he politely declined.  They turned to me and asked if I would like to do it.  Sure!  I did everything else, I got this under control! :P  My hubby was not offended at all that he missed his opportunity.  All that mattered to either of us was that our little guy was here, safe and sound.  We loved hearing his screams because it was so opposite from Lillian's delivery when the OR was so quiet, I had to ask the doctor if she was out yet.  I held my little guy as close as I could and just stared at his face.  I remember that he was trying so hard to open his eyes but there was a bright light over the top of us and he was facing straight up at it.  I held my hand over his face to shade him some and he could keep his eyes open then.  He looked at me and just stared.  I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  This sweet little puffy cheeked baby was all ours.  I loved him so much.  I don't really know what everyone else was doing but for the first hour, Evan was on my chest and he looked so peaceful.  It was finally time to weigh and measure him so they took him away from me and did all the routine checkups.  I could not believe my ears when they said that my "preemie" baby was 7lbs 10oz!  I was a full term baby and was only at 7lbs 5oz.  I guess the Braums they put in down the street from our house proved to be a good placement for them.  Though our baby was good and healthy, he had a low oxygen level and his breathing was very labored.  You could watch his poor little chest working over time trying to get his lungs to get enough oxygen to them.  I was heartbroken when they announced they had to take him away to his own room in the special care unit.  In normal cases I would have been dismissed within a few hours and been able to go be with him soon after, but as I stated earlier, we do not go about things the easy way.  I had some complications myself and it confined me to stay in the delivery room until 3:00 that afternoon.  I think I was somewhat in shock and also a state of haziness from the lack of sleep.  All I could think of was that this was a lot like last time where I'm laying in recovery with no baby to bond with.  It was of course not the same circumstance but I had no idea how he was doing and what he needed.  I know more than once the thought crossed my mind that they would come back up to me and tell me something horrible had happened.  They allowed Brian to go be with him but he was shooed away after saying that they needed to place an iv in Evan's head.  Had I been less out of it, I would have fought harder for Brian to stay in there.  If I couldn't be with him, I wanted his daddy to be close.  I didn't need any support, I just needed to know my baby was okay.  The hospital staff promised that he could come back in about an hour but when I had my nurse call down, they hadn't even placed his iv yet.  I was so frustrated and helpless.  It was a long day that day.  It should have been a sweet special day but it ended up being stressful and disappointing.  I finally was dismissed from delivery room and my nurse that day wheeled me down to the recovery room.  I think I was in that room for 5 minutes at the most, long enough to put some socks on and grab a pillow.  I wanted to go see my baby!!  By that time, Brian was allowed back in the room and Evan was sporting a nice big iv on his noggin.  My nurse wheeled me in and gave Brian orders to not let me stand for very long.  I really had no thoughts on my well being.  I was fine!  My baby was the one lying there with cords all over him and not able to be with me when he needed me the most.  It makes me sad to think about how those first few days of his life, he was in bed, alone.  I would have done a few things different if I could do it over but I have my baby here now and that's the most important thing.  I only regret that I didn't push for more bonding time right at the start.  I only left his side for short periods of time and only left the hospital once to go home and take a nap.  The first few days of his life out of the womb were spent on a few monitors which really made it hard to hold him.  The nurses were really great with us but they all seemed a little wary of getting him in and out a lot.  I hated that I had to ASK to hold my baby.  He needed me but I don't think that was priority to them.  After he hit a few milestones like being able to regulate his own temperature and his oxygen levels stayed up, they weren't as concerned.  Each day he lost a cord that he was hooked to until he finally lost that nasty iv.  I could see my baby again without all the tubes and wires that he was attached to.  I felt for Brian seeing as how he hardly got any time with him at first.  Baby was on my chest for a bit right after delivery and then Brian got a few minutes with him.  When we were in the special care unit, we could only get him out for feedings at first so daddy wasn't really included there.  Needless to say we ALL breathed a little easier as Evan progressed.  When I was a patient also, it was difficult to remember when I needed medications (one every 4 hours and one every 8).  I needed to be back in my room to get those or I would be regretting it!  I also tried to be back in time for meals too. But, then I wanted to be available for Evan when he needed to eat too.  I told them that I didn't want him to have any formula which meant that I needed to stick close in case he woke up and needed to eat.  I also tried to pump as much as possible so that there would be milk in the room if they ever needed it and I was gone.  I was doing all of that on no sleep the first 2 days and minimal the next 3.  I didn't sleep well at night because Evan would go into an arching fit and would be coughing up fluids.  It was pretty alarming but since the nurses didn't seem concerned at it, I took it upon myself to make sure he wasn't going to choke on it.  Their reasoning was that if it was stressing him, it would show on his monitors and they would come check on him.  That wasn't good enough to me because after all he's been through, I was not going to let anything else "stress" him.  So, whenever he made any sort of noise, I woke up.  Some of the times it led to his arching fits and I shot out of bed to make sure he didn't swallow any of it.  Our hospital stay was definitely not sunshine and roses but I guess they usually aren't.  I was discharged after our 2nd day there but Evan was still there for 3 more days.  We stuck close to the room and only went home after Evan's nurse made me go home and take a nap.  I'm sure I looked terrible.  I was admitted on thursday afternoon and delivered Evan friday morning at 8:30 a.m. and then he was finally discharged Monday evening.  It was QUITE the ordeal!

This was not the way I pictured our rainbow baby entering our lives but I thank God every day for this wonderful little guy who has put a mend on a broken heart.  There will always be a scar where the piece that belongs to Lillian was torn away.  I know that the pain will never just go away and sometimes little things will make my scar ache for her.  As we go along our day to day life, I stop and think for just a brief moment, "Who is missing?"  I feel a little tug at my heart when I realize, that the little girl who should be running around and keeping us busy is only watching us from above.  A mother's heart will always long for all of her children and although we never had Lillian in our home, her name is written in my heart and could never be forgotten.  Even when I know that she is not here and have never experienced any time with her physically, I think deep down, I know she's here and present in our lives.  So since she's so very present, I'll look around and wonder who I'm missing.  For that split second I am a little confused and then I remind myself that although she is "missing" she will always be present.