Bumblebee...... BOY!

A few weeks ago I had my appointment with our 18 week ultrasound.  I was so ready to know if we had another little girl joining our family or if I would break the 4 generation streak of all girls with the first boy.  We learned that we are, in fact, breaking records.  Bumblebee is a healthy little boy!

The day of our appointment was surprisingly uneventful.  I was of course so ready to find out but it hadn't quite hit me that we were going that day.  I've said it before, but we take life as it comes.  The morning of our appointment, I went about my work like normal and didn't think about it too much.  That all changed once it was time to leave and go to my doctor's.  I walked out the door and I called Brian.  I was so giddy!!  In less than an hour, we'd know!  Brian met me at home so we could ride together and he was just as psyched.  We had a nice, talkative drive up to the doctor's office and we could barely contain our excitement.  I checked in a little early and within about 15 minutes, our favorite ultrasound tech poked her head around the corner and called my name!  I hopped out of my seat and followed her to the back.  She asked, "So, are we finding out the sex today?"  In which I eagerly responded, "YES!"  I told her that we had a party planned right afterwards so I hoped baby would cooperate.  She told us that she wouldn't let us leave without finding out, especially since we've got a party waiting for us at home.  

We went into the dark little room which houses a reclining bed, a fancy computer, a big t.v. and some chairs.   I assumed my position and anxiously waited for her to squirt the warm goo on my tummy.  As soon as she put the wand down, it was in the PERFECT position to see the goods.  She said, "Oh, I think we're going to be able to find out right now actually!"  YAYAYAYAYAY, the moment I've been waiting for!  So, she moved it around a little bit and got a good angle and she didn't even have to say anything, we could see plain as day.  The first thing that popped out of my mouth was, "Oh my gosh... That's a thing!!"  She laughed at me and said, "Yup, it's a little boy!"  I was in complete shock.  Like, seriously, utter shock.  I was sure that it was a little girl and called him a "she" up unto that point.  Sorry little guy!  Brian just laughed at me.  All that ran through my head was how much shopping I needed to do.  We have everything pink at our house.  Our little boy couldn't wear any of Lillian's clothes.  So much shopping to do!

Our little son was so precious.  After seeing the "goods", we saw his heartbeat and feet and of course his sweet little face.  He was all curled up and didn't want to show us much more than that.  She couldn't get all the measurements that she needed because he was so shy.  At one point, the tech said, "Uhh, how's your bladder?"  I said, "I need to pee!!"  They told me to come in with a full bladder but I guess I was an overachiever because it was blocking the view to his face.  She let me go empty my bladder in hopes that we'd be able to see him better.  When I came back, we couldn't see him a whole lot better.  We got some good pictures and since I'll have more ultrasounds later, they can get those measurements later on.  

All the sudden, I remembered about the little blood collection.  I asked her about it and if the blood was still there.  She said that it was gone and that it must have dissolved.  Praise God!! I knew it wasn't anything to worry about but it sure felt good to hear that it was gone.  I walked out of that appointment with Brian holding one hand and the pictures of our son in the other.  I probably still had a look of shock on my face but all that mattered was that our little baby was healthy.  I was such a happy momma!

The little hand is pointing right to his little parts.

Evan means "God is gracious"

Scott is my dad's and father in law's middle name

My favorite pic!

I can't wait to kiss these little toes

 Now, here's a super cool story.  My gma cut this out of the paper and saved it for me.  I thought it was cute and I hung it up on my fridge.  The pic says "Mommy, is this a ladybug or a gentlemanbug?"  I didn't notice until I was looking at it yesterday that the date was the same exact day we found out the sex of Bumblebee.  Lillian sent this to us without a doubt!

Oh, how He loves us so.

I've been meaning to post this story for a while now, but life is taking off without me.  A quick update: We're at 17 weeks this week and I'm feeling pretty good still.  I have started experiencing the same back pain I had with Lillian, that is not pleasant.  I have many uncomfortable symptoms showing up more and more lately but I don't mind one bit.  Whatever it takes to get this baby here healthy and happy in October, I'll do it.
Okay, now for the real story.  It all started a few weeks ago when I attended a women's night out at our church.  The fact that I was even at the event was a little surprising, considering I wasn't able to attend the original date.  Brian and I had Lillian's memorial day on the original date that the women's night was scheduled.  There was a conflict in the scheduling so after I declined an invite to the dinner, I was happy to learn that the night was rescheduled to a later date.  I bought a ticket at one of the tables and showed up ready for a night out of the house.  The guest speaker was great, such a sweet woman of God and her story was so touching.  I enjoyed having some "girl time", eating a delicious dinner, and listening to a very powerful testimony, but little did I know that God had something big planned for that night.

As I listened to this woman pour her heart out and share her personal life with a bunch of strangers, I couldn't help but feel a connection.  She spoke about her background, family, and trials throughout her life.  Then, she mentioned her career.  She pointed over to some beautifully painted portraits and said that she is an artist.  There was this little moment of clarity in my head.  It was as if there was some sort of light bulb as I had the sudden realization that I was supposed to be there tonight.
A little back story...
Last year, after we had Lillian, I had a passing thought that someday I may have someone paint a picture of her for us.  We have photographs of her but those pictures aren't who she is.  Those photos captured the remnants of her soul and being after she left this earth.  Even when I look at those pictures today, the first thought that enters my head is, "That's not my daughter."  No, I'm not in denial.  I've seen my daughter and how she is now.  She is beautiful, happy, and perfect.  These images of her body after she's passed are not who she is.  The same reason we didn't spend much time visiting her when I delivered her is the same reason we choose not to share her pictures with everyone.  It isn't her and it's not how I want her remembered.  But, if we could have someone try to paint her, that would be different!  I would proudly display that in my home and show it off to anyone and everyone who would pay attention.  The problem was, if I were to want someone to paint her, I'd have to request that.  And how do you ask a complete stranger to look at a picture of your baby who's passed away and try to paint them as if they're alive?  That would be a little bit of an oddball request.  Not to mention, I would have to completely trust whomever we asked because this is our daughter.  I wouldn't blame someone for denying the request since it would be extremely difficult to fulfill such a task.  So, last year I let that passing thought go since there would be a whole mess emotions wound up in this idea.  Okay... fast forward back to women's night.
So, this little voice in my head reminded me of my passing thought of a year ago about having a portrait of our little angel and the same voice was saying, "This is her.  This is who you need to talk to."   I've learned to listen to the little voice, my daughter has helped me realize that there are some things in life that you can't deny.  This voice is one of them.  I was a little hesitant, only because of the fact that if I were to go up and talk to her afterwards, I was going to be a mess.  I knew I'd start bawling at her and seem like a crazy lady.  I still had a little time before I had to worry about that though, she was still speaking and there were a few door prizes on the table to give away.
Speaking of the door prizes, there was another little miracle in the making. There were roughly 100-150 women there that night and maybe about 20 door prizes to give away.  Everyone in the room bought one ticket to attend the dinner and all those tickets were in a basket.  The names were being picked from that basket to determine who the lucky winners were.  There were about 10 prizes left by the end of the night and I saw one gift bag that contained a Scentsy wax warmer and a little stuffed duck inside it.  When I saw that bag, the same voice I "heard" earlier said, "That's for you."  It's hard to describe but I wasn't praying or wishing for the prize, I just knew it was mine.  It was just fact.  (Sorry if I seem a little crazy, God works in supernatural ways and sometimes when you try to explain it, it's borderline crazy :P)  So, I continued listening and visiting and low and behold, at the end of the night, they called my name for that gift bag.  It was so awesome but yet it wasn't surprising since I already "knew" it was mine.  When my name was called, it was another confirmation that I needed to talk to this woman.  The little feeling I got telling me about the door prize, was also telling me to go talk to her after she's done.
The night came to a close and anyone was invited to stick around and visit.  *Sigh* This is my chance, I don't know what I'm going to say but I do know that there will be tears involved, but oh well.  Here goes nothing.  I put my gift bag in my seat and went and found a pen so I could exchange emails with her.  I waited in line for a few minutes and was trying to think of what to say when she turned to me and smiled.  I introduced myself and thanked her for sharing her story.  I then asked if we could exchange emails since I had a request for her.  I started trying to tell my story in the shortest way possible but I didn't get very far into it before the tears came.  I felt so overwhelmed with emotion after realizing all of the things that had to come together for our paths to cross.  This predicament couldn't be better.  I have a christian woman who has faced trials and loss in her life and who's also an artist.  Who better could God have chosen than her?  I tried my best to explain my request and still seem sane.  I'm not sure how much sense I was making at that point.  I must have put a few coherent thoughts together because after a quick prayer, hugs, and exchanged emails, I made my way back to my seat.  I tried to gather my stuff up as quick as possible and get to the car.  I knew I was going to lose it when I got there but I had to get there first.
I called Brian when I got into my car and started bawling all over again.  I tried to do my best to explain the situation but as he told me later, he "was not mentally prepared for that phone call."  Haha!  I love my man.  In the midst of our chaotic life, he still makes me laugh.  On my way home, I talked to him and recalled the night's events.  I told him about the speaker, her story, her being an artist, the gift bag, and the whole night.  I pulled into the drive and got off the phone.  I grabbed my gift bag and for the first time really looked at it.  The warmer that was in there was called "Valentine"  Oh wow!! We found out that we were expecting this baby a few days before Valentine's day and made our "official" announcement to the public on Valentine's day.  That's awesome!  I told everyone that we found out around Valentine's day and I'm due around my birthday.  This baby is the perfect gift for both!  So, if I hadn't had enough at that point, I read the little card tied on to the bag.  It read: "I'm sending this angel to watch over you in times of great trouble or stress, to wrap it's wings around you and whisper these words with the love of a friend- You Are Blessed"
You guys, I totally lost it.  Ugly cry!!  I came in the door and Brian was doing his best to calm down his hysteric, pregnant wife.  I was trying to tell him about the little card but he was trying to tell me to lay down and take it easy.  I was saying, "Noooo, you have to read this!  It's from Lillian!"  Poor guy.  He took the gift bag from me and was trying to do anything to calm my psychotic self.  That whole night was just overwhelming.  I couldn't fathom all of the things that God had to put into motion for all this to happen.  All of this was for me.  The only way I can explain it is overwhelming.
If all of that wasn't enough, I learned that this was the first time that our wonderful speaker has spoken publicly about her story in 5 years.  Thankfully, she obeyed the calling she had to do this event and I was able to attend.   And still, even more incredible, I realized later that this door prize wasn't originally intended to be a door prize.  I recognized it from the last event that Brian and I attended at the church.  It was at the silent auction that we were at a few weeks prior and it just so happened that no one purchased it.  That little duck was supposed to be for Bumblebee and this gift basket was for me.  I love love love it!

It's hard to believe that had this night not been rescheduled, I would have missed this all.  Now can you see why I was so overwhelmed by God's greatness?  His love is wonderful and even in my flaws and imperfections, He loves me and goes to great lengths to show it.

Lillian's Memorial Party

A couple weeks ago, we had the memorial party for Lillian.  I wish I could have had a huge celebration with anyone who wanted to be there but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.  My emotions were a little touchy these days and I didn't want a big group of people when I didn't know how the day would go.  We opted instead for our close family to come over for lunch and to plant some flowers.  It was a sweet day.  The weather couldn't have been more perfect.  The cake turned out better than I could have pictured and the flowers were exactly what we wanted.  There were ladybugs everywhere.  I ordered a container of live ladybugs and had planned for the release after the garden was finished but little did I know that Lillian had already sent us some.  The container of ladybugs was left inside while we went out to do some work.  All over the backyard everyone was finding ladybugs.  They were just crawling all over the yard.  We were walking around and it was as if they were swarming our backyard.  It was so perfect.  I haven't seen any ladybugs in the yard since that day.  Of course we still did our release of the container of ladybugs later on.  That was almost magical.  We all held out our hands and poured some ladybugs into them.  They crawled around for a bit and then when they flew off, they just went up and away.  It was almost as if they went straight to Heaven.  The day was perfect.  Everyone was so helpful and the garden looks so nice.  The weather was so nice out and allowed for us to comfortably celebrate and remember our daughter.

Our perfect cake

We ordered fresh flowers to match the arrangement on her  casket

Everyone getting started

Maybe this was a break :)

Ladybug release

Mom, Dad, and a ladybug.

Part of the finished garden

We later added mulch to finish up

Although this was a perfect day, it was not how I envisioned my little girl's first birthday party.  I remember even thinking about having her first birthday when I was pregnant with her.  I wish more than anything that this party could have been different.  I wish we were all surrounding a high chair watching a blue-eyed, brown-haired little girl making a mess of her cake and trying to figure out how to rip open presents.  Those were my dreams for her.  Life doesn't always go how we plan.  We've learned to accept things how they come and rely on God to get us through.  This horrible tragedy could have broke me, my husband, and our marriage.  We didn't let that happen though.  It did break our hearts, maybe even our spirit, but we didn't let it break our faith.  God has worked great things from Lillian's life, and still continues to do so.  This new baby wouldn't be here if it weren't for Lillian.  I will always hold that close to my heart.  Even though life doesn't go how you have "planned" it to, God is still right there.  He is working in our lives in more ways than we know.

Little Miracles

Pregnancy has still been treating me well.  Everything is going really smoothly and I couldn't ask for anything more.  Today marks 12 weeks which is also the end of the first trimester, a wonderful milestone to hit for sure. Every little step of the way, we will be celebrating these little accomplishments.  I know that God has his hand over this baby and He provides us peace especially when we need it the most.

Physically I've been doing well but emotionally it's been a little draining.  When Lillian passed away, we first had to learn to cope with it and make any sense that we could.  Then after a while, reality had set in and and we accepted our new norm.  Our baby was in Heaven and we would think of her often but we were far enough away from the situation that reality didn't sting as much.  Well now, ever since we've found out we're expecting, it's been a daily reminder of our last pregnancy.  It's hard to describe, but every little thing is a reminder of Lillian and how she was here once.  Every time Brian leans down to talk to baby, it throws me back in time to when he did that with Lillian.  When he reads Bumblebee books every night, I think about the books we used to read to her.  When I subconsciously lay my hand on my tummy, I'm taken back to Lillian's kicks and punches.  Everything reminds me of her.  Every. Single. Thing. 

Most of the time, it's nice.  I like to remember her and think of her.  Especially since I know she is aware of it.  Too many times I've thought, "I wonder if Lillian is with me?  Even here?"  And every time, she'll let me know that she's there!  Most of the time it's wonderful, sometimes it's heartbreaking.  I miss her.  I wish I could have her here.  When I'm having a hard day, I can experience emotions as if it just happened.  It's bizarre how easy I can be back in that place of devastation.  A loss is not something you "get over", you just learn how to deal with it.  A combination of the daily reminders from this pregnancy, my hormones, and the anniversary of her death approaching has been tough on me.  One day last week I remember telling Lillian, "I  love you Lillian." and then blew her a kiss.  "I wish I could give you real kisses.  Every time I kiss baby, I will be sending you one too."  

A few nights after saying that was one of my "rough nights".  All of the emotions that I've experienced with her loss came flooding back to me.  It was sadness on top of anxiety on top of grief on top of worry.  It was not pretty.  All these thoughts entered my head.  Literally what went through my mind was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions and I was just beat.  All the thoughts put together looked like this: "I miss my daughter, I want her back, I wish I could have saved her, I just want her back, What if this baby isn't okay, What if we can't find a heartbeat, How am I supposed to make it through the rest of this pregnancy, I can't do this!!!"   All of these things were going through my mind but it wasn't that organized.  It was more like they hit me all at once and I was a wreck.  Brian just holds me when I get like that.  He is everything I could ever ask for and never knew I would need.  I am showing you the honest and true side of grief because I don't want people to think it's ever easy.  It's okay to be distraught and devastated.  I could never imagine that this would be our life and that we would face such big obstacles.  Now that I'm here, I want to do my part to influence others in a positive light.  I AM okay only because of God's love.  Without the reassurance of His presence and the fact that she's in His care, I would not be okay.  I wouldn't even come close.  So, onto the point of this story.  You didn't think I was just gonna write this depressing post and leave it at that did you?  No, I wouldn't do that.  That isn't the way God works.  He conquers all in the end and this story has a happy ending.

So, just like every other meltdown, Brian says a prayer over us.  We always ask for the peace that covers us and helps us get through life.  When I went to bed that night, I was exhausted and had no problems falling asleep.  When I woke up the next morning, I didn't want to open my eyes.  I closed my eyes and was trying so hard to relive my dream and see every detail that I could.  My dream was wonderful.  It was sweet and everything I needed... In my dream, I was in my bed and I was holding Lillian.  She was the age she would be right now (almost 1).  She was the spitting image of me!  I remember thinking that I have to show everyone her picture because she looks just like I did when I was little.  I had her in my arms and facing me and she was just grinning at me.  I knew in my dream that she recognized who I was.  She knew I was her mommy.  Such a happy baby and I was squeezing her so tight.  Now, here's the reason I woke up with tears in my eyes... I was kissing her.  I kissed her cheeks and her face and I'd pull back and look at her face and see her smile.  Then I'd do it again.  She just looked at me and was so joyful.  I kissed her and kissed her and kissed her.  That was it.  That was all I needed.  It wasn't just a dream, it was a vision God gave me because I desperately needed it.  I needed to know my daughter was alright.  Awesome story right?  It's not over!  The next day was the first time I felt Bumblebee move and KNOW without a doubt that it was baby.  BOTH of my babies, in their own way, let me know that they are okay.  I needed that so much.  God knows our hearts and our pain.  He also knows better than we do.  I trust that He will provide everything we ever need and more.  He knew that I needed my little miracles to reassure me in their own little way.

1st appt

I scheduled my first doctor's appointment to be at 10 weeks.  My doctor offered for me to come in asap so I could check my blood work and hormone levels but I declined.  No matter if I were to see the heartbeat right away, or if my numbers were good, it wouldn't give me peace of mind.  I decided to wait until 10 weeks along, like normal.  I want this pregnancy to be as normal as possible.  I asked my doctor if it were alright that we wait until I was 10 weeks along like last time and she was completely comfortable with that.  Our appointment was March 20th at 9:00 a.m.  I was not really worried or thinking about it ahead of time, but the day of was a different story.  I don't know if you remember me mentioning it but we always take our lives a day at a time.  Never worry about anything until the time has come.  This was a perfect example because as soon as I woke up, it was as if a switch flipped and I was a bundle of nerves.  I didn't sleep well that night and even dreamed about it.  I was so nervous that morning and wanted nothing but wonderful news from our appointment.  Brian decided to take the morning off from work so he could join me.  He kept reminding me that everything was going to be fine and that we were going to get to see our baby today!  That held me over for the ride up to the doctor's office.

It was finally time for our appt and we checked in a little early.  The receptionist made sure that all of our information was the same and said that we had a copay.  I pulled out my card and handed it over.  She said, "This appointment will be the only one you have to pay for.  When you come back, you won't have any charge."
I had already knew this info but the fact that she was mentioning us coming back, made me so happy.  When I took a seat beside Brian, I was so happy.  Here, at the doctor's office, the norm is a healthy pregnancy which results in a lot of visits to check up on the little one.  At home in our little bubble, it's harder to be so optimistic.  There are so many things that can go wrong and it's hard to focus on being positive.  So, when the receptionist said that simple statement, it was as if I was given permission to expect to keep returning.  I was sitting in the waiting room grinning.  I think I knew that this was the beginning of a wonderful day.
I got called back almost right away and was glad to see my wonderful nurse again.  It's nice to have everyone know your background so you don't have to get everyone up to date.  I just wanted to focus on this little one today.  She took us back to our room and took my weight, blood pressure, and asked a few questions.  She let us know that our doctor would be in soon to talk to us before we did any testing.

After a few minutes, Dr. S came in and was all smiles.  She was soooo happy for us and the first thing she told us was congratulations.  Prior to the appointment, I was worried she may feel a little nervous about us not waiting a whole year before getting pregnant again.  But the second she walked in, all my fears were gone.  She was completely confident that we would be just fine.  I asked her a couple questions, one including us trying for a natural labor instead of another cesarean.  She was completely okay with that as long as everything was going smoothly and my body and baby cooperated.  I was so thrilled to hear that!  I really don't want another cesarean.  Then, after a little discussion, she mentioned what our appointment would entail that day.  I was crossing my fingers hoping that she would let me have an ultrasound that day.  She listed off all of the tests that we'd need, then she'd listen to the heartbeat with the doppler, and then she also wanted an ultrasound to be able to have a reference to look back on to track everything.  YES!  When she mentioned the ultrasound, she was a little wary and was maybe thinking that we would not want it.  I piped up, "I was hoping you'd say that!  We REALLY want to see the heartbeat."  She was very glad to see that we were all on the same page and said, "I'll go see if she's free right now"
Dr. S left the room and went to talk to the ultrasound tech.   The last time the tech saw us, was the worst time of our lives.  I'm sure that was an awful day for her too.  She was expecting too and was due 3 days before me.
Brian and I were goofily smiling at each other waiting for a knock on the door.  Any moment now, we'd see our little baby up on the screen, but more importantly, the heartbeat.  Our wonderful ultrasound tech knocked on our door and asked if we were ready.  YES!!! Let's run!! She was also so happy to see us.  She remembered us and was very excited for our wonderful news.  Brian asked how her baby was and she said that she was keeping them busy.  I think I hopped up onto the chair before anyone else sat down.  Hurry up, people!  She squirted the warm goo on my tummy and put the wand on my tummy.  There it is.  Our baby.  She had to zoom in because baby's only as big as a grape right now.  As soon as she zoomed in, I saw it.  The little pulse in the center of our Bumblebee.  Our little miracle.  I was in heaven.  I don't care about any other testing I have to do, I'll do whatever I need to.  Now that I know that this little one is safe and comfortable, it changes my whole world.  Bumblebee was laying on his/her side and started wiggling almost as if trying to snuggle in tight.  Soooo sweet.  My heart just melted for this little one.  She monitored the heart rate and it was about 183, which is perfectly normal.  Baby measured at 9 weeks 4 days which is pretty darn close to the calculation I had at 9 weeks 3 days.  Everything looks perfect!  We got the print outs of our ultrasound which I will treasure forever.  I looked over at Brian and he was all grin.  This was exactly what we wanted and needed.

Baby's head on left and baby is facing us.  You can see the arm buds and leg buds are tucked  in.

We headed back to the room for the routine tests and check up.  I was visiting with my doctor some and told her that I wanted to be safe and take her advice at having a year between pregnancies but I just couldn't wait anymore.  She told us not to be worried at all.  She didn't blame us at all and that we did everything perfect.  That made me feel so good!  She was perfectly fine with the time between pregnancies and was confident that we would be alright.  That ended the rest of my anxieties.  The last thing she wanted to do before we left was hear the heartbeat on the doppler.  She put the goo on my tummy and moved the wand around and around. She pushed on me and tried over and over but had no luck.  She literally tried for about 5 minutes.  I told her that I was glad we didn't try the doppler first because I would have had a heart attack.  She kept saying, "I know you're in there"  but still had no luck.  Finally, after a battle of who could be more stubborn, baby won out.  Dr. S said, "Okay, baby wins this one!"  She turned off the machine and told us that we could go back to the ultrasound and see the heartbeat so we wouldn't be worried.  We went back to the room again and saw that baby had basically done a flip.  We could now see the profile of baby's little noggin and the little arm and leg buds.  We got more pictures since we could see a different angle a little better.  Our tech told us that if we ever had any worries or just wanted to see the baby, to just call.  She would fit us in to give us peace of mind.  She is so sweet and it made me feel good to have all these people behind us and keeping this baby safe.

By this time, baby has completely switched directions and the head is on the right.  You can see arms and legs and cord in this picture.

After some blood work, I think I skipped out of there.  Brian and I were hand in hand with big grins.  He took me out to breakfast and said, "I don't want to go to work, I want to spend the day with you and baby." I told him, "Then don't!"  He called into work to see if they would be okay without him for the day and they said that it was fine.  Yay!  We later went to Barnes and Noble to get a pregnancy journal to write all of our special stuff down for this little one.  When we walked in, I saw the children's section and had another thought.  We needed a book for Bumblebee!  Brian's main connection with Lillian was to talk to her and read to her.  It is hard for daddies to be involved when they can't see or hold the baby.  Brian's way to stay close to our little ones from early on is to read.  I took his hand and walked back to the children's section.  The VERY first book I saw out on display was called "Little Bee"  Perfect!

We picked it up and kept looking.  I found a pregnancy journal and a baby book.  The baby book has both bees and ladybugs in it.  Very fitting :)  After a little browsing, we purchased our books and went home.  This was a wonderful beginning to a new chapter in our lives.

So, today is  our 11 month mark since Lillian was born.  I started off the day feeling down and a little sad.  The closer we approach the one year mark, the more I'm thinking about her.  I'm sure these pregnancy hormones aren't helping either.  Along with it being 11 months since we've held our firstborn, today we start our 8th week in our second pregnancy.  Lots of feelings to go around.  With the combination of everything, today was just kind of a down day.  We made our weekly trip to the cemetery to talk to our little one and tell her that we love her and miss her.  Later, we came home to eat lunch, take a nap, and later get some groceries.
It was on this grocery trip where our little girl surprised us.  We were heading to the checkout lines and I was gazing at all the flowers, when Brian said, "Look, there's some ladybug balloons."  But, I couldn't look.  I had just stepped on something and it was stuck to the bottom of my shoe.  I steadied myself by holding his arm and lifted my foot up to see what it was and I could NOT believe my eyes!!! A little wooden ladybug was stuck on the bottom of my shoe!  Brian looked down and saw it the same time I did.  He started laughing and said, "Where did that come from?  Where did you get that?"  I couldn't stop giggling to answer him.  I finally responded, "From Lillian!"  I quickly pocketed the little bug (shhhh!) and we were laughing with amazement all the way out of the store.  I couldn't believe that she sent me a ladybug to step on!  It had a sticky on the back of it so it had to have been upside down for me to step on it and it stay on my shoe.  If it hadn't stuck, I would have just kept on walking.  I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!

The funny thing was, when we left the store, the security alarm went off.  I know that this didn't set it off but it still made me laugh.

Honesty

Today we are 7 weeks pregnant and I'm still feeling pretty good.  I know I say it every month, but I can't believe how far we've come since Lillian left us. We are a week shy of 11 months.  Wow.  Looking back, I can't even remember the people that Brian and I were during the worst time of our lives.  We both say that it most definitely doesn't feel like those are our memories, just some haunting nightmares that we will always live with.  

I'm so so so very thankful to be pregnant.  It is definitely a bittersweet feeling.  I'm in between two children and it's a very confusing time.  Honestly, I feel like I'm caught between two worlds.  I have a daughter in heaven who is with us in the most real sense possible, and now I have this little soul that I'm doing my best to take care of and love.  And as long as I'm being honest, I feel like I should share my feelings about this pregnancy.  I want this blog to be uplifting and encouraging but above all, I want it to be honest.  It is so overwhelming to lose a child and it can be such a devastating and depressing place to be.  In our case, it wasn't the end of our family.  My and Brian's relationship has never been stronger.  We have made it out on top and are not letting it get the best of us.  My daughter will always have a piece of my heart, but her death does not take her away from me.  All that being said, my heart is so full of thankfulness and peace for this little one.  I pray that this baby gets to stay with us and that we will never have to endure another loss again.  However, I am very reserved about this pregnancy.  I know that God has given us this wonderful blessing but we also know too well that nothing in this life is guaranteed.  I love this little one because he/she is my child, but it's hard to get excited when we have such a long way to go.  I think that God has placed this stillness over my heart because the feelings of being overwhelmed with happiness and excitement could also lead to feelings of anxiety and worry.  I don't need all those emotions right now.  I have thankfulness and peace and that's all I could ask for.

Our child does have a name.  Since we don't know the sex, we don't know which one, but he/she has one!  We plan on revealing the name as soon as we know the sex.  This is different than when I was pregnant with Lillian.  I was adamant about not naming her until we met her.  I could never really explain it but later I felt as though God would give us her name when it was time, and He did.  In fact, Lillian was NEVER on our list of names.  I only found it the day that we found out she was in heaven.  I found it a little before my doctor's appointment.  When the ultrasound technician said there was no heartbeat, as soon as I could speak, I stated, "Her name is Lillian."  I didn't even think about it.  God just put it on my heart and I said it.  The next day we found out that her name means "innocence, purity, and beauty."  So perfect.  I LOVE her name and it's so weird to say but I don't feel as though we picked it.  God chose it for her.  I'm not sure why we have names picked out this time.  One name, I feel as though God gave it to us a while ago.  If we get to use it, I'll tell that story when the time comes.  I guess we will just have to stick with bumble bee for now.