1st appt

I scheduled my first doctor's appointment to be at 10 weeks.  My doctor offered for me to come in asap so I could check my blood work and hormone levels but I declined.  No matter if I were to see the heartbeat right away, or if my numbers were good, it wouldn't give me peace of mind.  I decided to wait until 10 weeks along, like normal.  I want this pregnancy to be as normal as possible.  I asked my doctor if it were alright that we wait until I was 10 weeks along like last time and she was completely comfortable with that.  Our appointment was March 20th at 9:00 a.m.  I was not really worried or thinking about it ahead of time, but the day of was a different story.  I don't know if you remember me mentioning it but we always take our lives a day at a time.  Never worry about anything until the time has come.  This was a perfect example because as soon as I woke up, it was as if a switch flipped and I was a bundle of nerves.  I didn't sleep well that night and even dreamed about it.  I was so nervous that morning and wanted nothing but wonderful news from our appointment.  Brian decided to take the morning off from work so he could join me.  He kept reminding me that everything was going to be fine and that we were going to get to see our baby today!  That held me over for the ride up to the doctor's office.

It was finally time for our appt and we checked in a little early.  The receptionist made sure that all of our information was the same and said that we had a copay.  I pulled out my card and handed it over.  She said, "This appointment will be the only one you have to pay for.  When you come back, you won't have any charge."
I had already knew this info but the fact that she was mentioning us coming back, made me so happy.  When I took a seat beside Brian, I was so happy.  Here, at the doctor's office, the norm is a healthy pregnancy which results in a lot of visits to check up on the little one.  At home in our little bubble, it's harder to be so optimistic.  There are so many things that can go wrong and it's hard to focus on being positive.  So, when the receptionist said that simple statement, it was as if I was given permission to expect to keep returning.  I was sitting in the waiting room grinning.  I think I knew that this was the beginning of a wonderful day.
I got called back almost right away and was glad to see my wonderful nurse again.  It's nice to have everyone know your background so you don't have to get everyone up to date.  I just wanted to focus on this little one today.  She took us back to our room and took my weight, blood pressure, and asked a few questions.  She let us know that our doctor would be in soon to talk to us before we did any testing.

After a few minutes, Dr. S came in and was all smiles.  She was soooo happy for us and the first thing she told us was congratulations.  Prior to the appointment, I was worried she may feel a little nervous about us not waiting a whole year before getting pregnant again.  But the second she walked in, all my fears were gone.  She was completely confident that we would be just fine.  I asked her a couple questions, one including us trying for a natural labor instead of another cesarean.  She was completely okay with that as long as everything was going smoothly and my body and baby cooperated.  I was so thrilled to hear that!  I really don't want another cesarean.  Then, after a little discussion, she mentioned what our appointment would entail that day.  I was crossing my fingers hoping that she would let me have an ultrasound that day.  She listed off all of the tests that we'd need, then she'd listen to the heartbeat with the doppler, and then she also wanted an ultrasound to be able to have a reference to look back on to track everything.  YES!  When she mentioned the ultrasound, she was a little wary and was maybe thinking that we would not want it.  I piped up, "I was hoping you'd say that!  We REALLY want to see the heartbeat."  She was very glad to see that we were all on the same page and said, "I'll go see if she's free right now"
Dr. S left the room and went to talk to the ultrasound tech.   The last time the tech saw us, was the worst time of our lives.  I'm sure that was an awful day for her too.  She was expecting too and was due 3 days before me.
Brian and I were goofily smiling at each other waiting for a knock on the door.  Any moment now, we'd see our little baby up on the screen, but more importantly, the heartbeat.  Our wonderful ultrasound tech knocked on our door and asked if we were ready.  YES!!! Let's run!! She was also so happy to see us.  She remembered us and was very excited for our wonderful news.  Brian asked how her baby was and she said that she was keeping them busy.  I think I hopped up onto the chair before anyone else sat down.  Hurry up, people!  She squirted the warm goo on my tummy and put the wand on my tummy.  There it is.  Our baby.  She had to zoom in because baby's only as big as a grape right now.  As soon as she zoomed in, I saw it.  The little pulse in the center of our Bumblebee.  Our little miracle.  I was in heaven.  I don't care about any other testing I have to do, I'll do whatever I need to.  Now that I know that this little one is safe and comfortable, it changes my whole world.  Bumblebee was laying on his/her side and started wiggling almost as if trying to snuggle in tight.  Soooo sweet.  My heart just melted for this little one.  She monitored the heart rate and it was about 183, which is perfectly normal.  Baby measured at 9 weeks 4 days which is pretty darn close to the calculation I had at 9 weeks 3 days.  Everything looks perfect!  We got the print outs of our ultrasound which I will treasure forever.  I looked over at Brian and he was all grin.  This was exactly what we wanted and needed.

Baby's head on left and baby is facing us.  You can see the arm buds and leg buds are tucked  in.

We headed back to the room for the routine tests and check up.  I was visiting with my doctor some and told her that I wanted to be safe and take her advice at having a year between pregnancies but I just couldn't wait anymore.  She told us not to be worried at all.  She didn't blame us at all and that we did everything perfect.  That made me feel so good!  She was perfectly fine with the time between pregnancies and was confident that we would be alright.  That ended the rest of my anxieties.  The last thing she wanted to do before we left was hear the heartbeat on the doppler.  She put the goo on my tummy and moved the wand around and around. She pushed on me and tried over and over but had no luck.  She literally tried for about 5 minutes.  I told her that I was glad we didn't try the doppler first because I would have had a heart attack.  She kept saying, "I know you're in there"  but still had no luck.  Finally, after a battle of who could be more stubborn, baby won out.  Dr. S said, "Okay, baby wins this one!"  She turned off the machine and told us that we could go back to the ultrasound and see the heartbeat so we wouldn't be worried.  We went back to the room again and saw that baby had basically done a flip.  We could now see the profile of baby's little noggin and the little arm and leg buds.  We got more pictures since we could see a different angle a little better.  Our tech told us that if we ever had any worries or just wanted to see the baby, to just call.  She would fit us in to give us peace of mind.  She is so sweet and it made me feel good to have all these people behind us and keeping this baby safe.

By this time, baby has completely switched directions and the head is on the right.  You can see arms and legs and cord in this picture.

After some blood work, I think I skipped out of there.  Brian and I were hand in hand with big grins.  He took me out to breakfast and said, "I don't want to go to work, I want to spend the day with you and baby." I told him, "Then don't!"  He called into work to see if they would be okay without him for the day and they said that it was fine.  Yay!  We later went to Barnes and Noble to get a pregnancy journal to write all of our special stuff down for this little one.  When we walked in, I saw the children's section and had another thought.  We needed a book for Bumblebee!  Brian's main connection with Lillian was to talk to her and read to her.  It is hard for daddies to be involved when they can't see or hold the baby.  Brian's way to stay close to our little ones from early on is to read.  I took his hand and walked back to the children's section.  The VERY first book I saw out on display was called "Little Bee"  Perfect!

We picked it up and kept looking.  I found a pregnancy journal and a baby book.  The baby book has both bees and ladybugs in it.  Very fitting :)  After a little browsing, we purchased our books and went home.  This was a wonderful beginning to a new chapter in our lives.

So, today is  our 11 month mark since Lillian was born.  I started off the day feeling down and a little sad.  The closer we approach the one year mark, the more I'm thinking about her.  I'm sure these pregnancy hormones aren't helping either.  Along with it being 11 months since we've held our firstborn, today we start our 8th week in our second pregnancy.  Lots of feelings to go around.  With the combination of everything, today was just kind of a down day.  We made our weekly trip to the cemetery to talk to our little one and tell her that we love her and miss her.  Later, we came home to eat lunch, take a nap, and later get some groceries.
It was on this grocery trip where our little girl surprised us.  We were heading to the checkout lines and I was gazing at all the flowers, when Brian said, "Look, there's some ladybug balloons."  But, I couldn't look.  I had just stepped on something and it was stuck to the bottom of my shoe.  I steadied myself by holding his arm and lifted my foot up to see what it was and I could NOT believe my eyes!!! A little wooden ladybug was stuck on the bottom of my shoe!  Brian looked down and saw it the same time I did.  He started laughing and said, "Where did that come from?  Where did you get that?"  I couldn't stop giggling to answer him.  I finally responded, "From Lillian!"  I quickly pocketed the little bug (shhhh!) and we were laughing with amazement all the way out of the store.  I couldn't believe that she sent me a ladybug to step on!  It had a sticky on the back of it so it had to have been upside down for me to step on it and it stay on my shoe.  If it hadn't stuck, I would have just kept on walking.  I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!

The funny thing was, when we left the store, the security alarm went off.  I know that this didn't set it off but it still made me laugh.

Honesty

Today we are 7 weeks pregnant and I'm still feeling pretty good.  I know I say it every month, but I can't believe how far we've come since Lillian left us. We are a week shy of 11 months.  Wow.  Looking back, I can't even remember the people that Brian and I were during the worst time of our lives.  We both say that it most definitely doesn't feel like those are our memories, just some haunting nightmares that we will always live with.  

I'm so so so very thankful to be pregnant.  It is definitely a bittersweet feeling.  I'm in between two children and it's a very confusing time.  Honestly, I feel like I'm caught between two worlds.  I have a daughter in heaven who is with us in the most real sense possible, and now I have this little soul that I'm doing my best to take care of and love.  And as long as I'm being honest, I feel like I should share my feelings about this pregnancy.  I want this blog to be uplifting and encouraging but above all, I want it to be honest.  It is so overwhelming to lose a child and it can be such a devastating and depressing place to be.  In our case, it wasn't the end of our family.  My and Brian's relationship has never been stronger.  We have made it out on top and are not letting it get the best of us.  My daughter will always have a piece of my heart, but her death does not take her away from me.  All that being said, my heart is so full of thankfulness and peace for this little one.  I pray that this baby gets to stay with us and that we will never have to endure another loss again.  However, I am very reserved about this pregnancy.  I know that God has given us this wonderful blessing but we also know too well that nothing in this life is guaranteed.  I love this little one because he/she is my child, but it's hard to get excited when we have such a long way to go.  I think that God has placed this stillness over my heart because the feelings of being overwhelmed with happiness and excitement could also lead to feelings of anxiety and worry.  I don't need all those emotions right now.  I have thankfulness and peace and that's all I could ask for.

Our child does have a name.  Since we don't know the sex, we don't know which one, but he/she has one!  We plan on revealing the name as soon as we know the sex.  This is different than when I was pregnant with Lillian.  I was adamant about not naming her until we met her.  I could never really explain it but later I felt as though God would give us her name when it was time, and He did.  In fact, Lillian was NEVER on our list of names.  I only found it the day that we found out she was in heaven.  I found it a little before my doctor's appointment.  When the ultrasound technician said there was no heartbeat, as soon as I could speak, I stated, "Her name is Lillian."  I didn't even think about it.  God just put it on my heart and I said it.  The next day we found out that her name means "innocence, purity, and beauty."  So perfect.  I LOVE her name and it's so weird to say but I don't feel as though we picked it.  God chose it for her.  I'm not sure why we have names picked out this time.  One name, I feel as though God gave it to us a while ago.  If we get to use it, I'll tell that story when the time comes.  I guess we will just have to stick with bumble bee for now.

Bumblebee

As most of you already know, Lillian is a big sister.  I say "is" instead of "going to be" because this little baby is only 6 weeks old and as big as a sweet pea but he/she is here.  I don't believe in a certain time where a pregnancy turns into a baby.  This baby is a being and has a soul.  We have prayed many times that this little one will get to stay with us.  It is such a hard thing to describe on how I feel about the situation.  Deep down I want to believe that we deserve to have a healthy screaming baby in October, but another part of me knows that nothing in this life is guaranteed. Lillian definitely had a hand in this baby being here.  I have a wonderful testimony of how Lillian has helped this baby come into our lives.

When Brian and I decided that we were ready for our family to expand, we discussed it with Lillian.  It sounds a little bizarre but I don't really care.  I talk to my daughter like she is sitting with me because I know she can hear me.  On one of our weekly visits to the cemetery we told Lillian, "Okay baby.  Mommy and Daddy are ready for another baby.  Can you ask God for a healthy little sibling?  Soon?"
We hugged each other and went home.  Later that day, I decided that I needed to go to Goodwill.  This is such a crazy part because I just got this idea in my head that I wanted to go look for a certain piece of furniture for a project and once I got the idea, I needed to leave NOW!  I got ready and was about to leave Brian at home because he wasn't getting around fast enough.  He decided to go with me in case I needed help.  I was looking for a table for the dining room to make us a coffee bar.  When we got there, we didn't have any luck finding furniture so I decided to look through the books to see if there was anything that I couldn't live without.  I found a children's book to add to our library and then got in line to pay for it.  I was disappointed that our hunt had ended with only a book and was second guessing whether we should wait in line to buy one measly book.  I turned around to talk to Brian and the first thing I saw was a little baby cap with ladybugs all over it.  I snatched it up and showed Brian what I found.  "Look!  A ladybug hat!  Maybe it's from Lillian, for our new baby."
So I decided to wait in line and purchase my book and baby cap.  I talked to Brian on the way home and wondered aloud if this was a sign that Lillian had heard us and that she was with us and wanted a sibling too. If that's not a clear enough sign, every SINGLE day until I found out I was pregnant, I received multiple ladybugs.  I have never ever gotten multiple ladybugs every day for such a long stretch of time.  It was as if Lillian was saying, "I hear you mom and dad.  I'll be here with you until you can see for yourself."  People sent me small gifts of ladybugs, I saw them online and in books, they were just everywhere.  It was about 3 weeks straight that this went on until I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  My heart was pounding and I was in disbelief that this actually happened.  My little girl does big things.  She still amazes me on how much she continues to influence our lives.  She is such a blessing to us and I know she's so happy that she is now a big sister to a little 6 week old sweet pea named Bumblebee <3

Ladybug cap

This is how I told Brian that I was pregnant again.  His face was priceless!

Also, here's the details:  I haven't been to the doctor yet.  I will call her soon and see when she wants to see me.  Last time I talked to her she said we could come in as early as 6 weeks but I'm leaning towards waiting until the normal time of about 10 weeks.  I've calculated my due date and I'm due October 20th, which is a week before my birthday.  We found out a few days before Valentine's day and I'm due around my birthday.  Perfection.

Right here, right now

I'm getting to the point of only posting about once a month.  It's not an intentional thing but I think it is kind of an indicator of where we're at in our lives.  We are going on with her in our hearts and never letting her memory fade.  I think of her every day.  Not a day goes by without her crossing my mind multiple times.  Lately she's sent me lots of ladybugs which is keeping her close to me.  I appreciate everyone who takes time out of their days to encourage me and give me a little token that reminded them of us.  I am so thankful of you guys.  It helps me heal.  It is reassuring that others (especially those who didn't know me when Lillian was here) step forward to be supportive.  I love when I can acknowledge the fact that I do have a daughter and that others acknowledge her existence too.  That being said, if you ever want to talk to me about her, feel free to.  Some people may not know what to say in fear of making me sad.  But, that's just the opposite. All I have left is to talk about her.  It makes me happy that others care enough to mention her.  The sad part is what happened to her, I live and face that truth on a daily basis.  I have learned that you have to face things  head on if you really want to get some healing.  I've intentionally pushed myself to keep moving on, keep going forward.  I want my daughter's life to make an impact on others and maybe shed some light into the darkness that we, too often, have to face.  It has also put some perspective on things in my life.  I know that when we do receive our future healthy children, I will have even more patience.  I know how sacred these little lives are and how I would never want to take it for granted.  If I have to endure the worst pregnancy symptoms and live a miserable 9 months, I would do it in a second as long as my baby was healthy and happy.
I have also learned how wonderful my husband is.   He has seen me through the darkest time that I could ever imagine and never once batted an eye.  I know I've apologized multiple times for being "crazy" and he calmly reassures me, "Honey, you're not crazy."  He has always held me when I'm upset and will drop anything and everything to take care of me.  He tells me that I'm strongest person he's ever met, meanwhile he's the one that has watched the love of his life collapse into hysterics from a broken heart.  I couldn't even fathom being this close to my husband but since we had to endure such a devastating tragedy, I'm thankful that out of it all, we are inseparable.  He is my rock and I could never picture my life without him.  He is my hero <3

Tomorrow marks 10 months since our sweet girl was born.  I cannot believe that number.  10 months.  It feels like an eternity.  I'm so thankful that the pain is slowly fading.  Right now, we rarely shed tears or have bad days.  I think it's because we still feel her close but our hearts have accepted the fact of what our lives have become.  We are parents to a little girl with wings who loves ladybugs.  It wouldn't surprise me if she had red wings with black polka dots.  She gives us what we need to go on.  She's here with us and always will be.



I will leave you with a Valentine's present from our Lilybug....

Btw, this was the ONLY one on the rack.  I looked again and never found another.  

My Ladybug Angel is at it again :)

Today was the bridal expo in town and my sister invited us all to go with her to look around (and eat cake).  We were walking around visiting, eating, and critiquing dresses when my mom stopped me and pointed out this flower shop booth.  She informed me that this was the place that did Lillian's funeral flowers. Instantly I knew I HAD to talk to her. My mom had done all of the arrangements with that so I never met her in person.

Back story: When we had to plan our daughter's funeral, it basically consisted of us telling our parents what we preferred and then in turn, they'd go make it happen.  I was still in the hospital recovering from my c section and Brian would never leave my side.  Our parents took the brunt of the planning of her funeral.    So our moms went out in search of a florist who could provide what we were wanting.  They headed to our local Dillons and made all the plans and tried to fulfill our wishes as much as possible.  We had decided that we wanted to have one white lily on her casket spray and some sweet soft pink flowers included also. I gave them a list of "no no" flowers that I'm not too fond of, lol. So after talking to the people there, my mom had a feeling that it just wasn't the right place.  She left saying that she'd let them know if she needed them.  She ended up driving to a few different places before she stopped at this place. My mom went in and met with the owner and explained her situation.  The first thing the lady said was, "What's her name? " She wanted to know the name of the little baby she was making a casket spray for. This woman was exactly who we needed and who my mom was looking for. She drove around town feeling like she knew she  needed fo be somewhere but was reassured when she stepped foot in this shop. This sweet lady was a Godsend and was so loving and caring. If I remembed right, she had exactly one beautiful white lily in her store. It was to be Lillian's.

Fast forward to today. My mom pointed her out to me and I instantly felt lead to go to her. I just had to thank her and give her a hug.  So, I waited in line behind happy bubbly brides to thank her for the wonderful job she did on Lillian's flowers.  How depressing... I hate to be a mood killer. I feel like I do that a lot.  While waiting, my sister was flipping through her photo album and one of the first things she sees was this cute little flower arrangement. It was made out of red and black flowers and pipe cleaners and was shaped to be a ladybug. I smiled and thought it was neat that she had found it but didn't think a whole lot of it. I was preoccupied from trying to think of what I was going to say to the owner and not be too much of a downer. When it was my turn to talk to her, I just said, "Okay, this is a little random but you did my daughter's funeral arrangements and I never got a chance to thank you in person."  She was kind of taken aback but her expression turned to compassion and said, "What's her name?" I told her and I think it she vaguely remembered but didn't make the full connection until my mom came up a few minutes later.  I chatted with her a little bit and started to get choked up because those flowers really were so very special. I hugged her neck and thanked her a few times but I didn't want to take her time when there were lots of others who may have wanted to speak with her. She insisted that I wasn't bothering her so I stayed for a little bit more. Somehow I got on the subject that Lillian sends me ladybugs and I told her, "Yeah, my sister already found your ladybug arrangement over there."  She replied, "You know the funny thing about that, I don't know why I put that in there. I thought to myself a few times that I should take it out because this is a wedding expo. We don't really need it. But for some reason, I left it in there. Now I know why." 
I said, "That's my daughter. She's pretty awesome!"

I decided to that I wanted a picture of it so my sisters and I went over to take one.  When I got back, my mom was talking to her. She finally made the connection on who I was.  She had tears in her eyes and said, "I reconnected with your mom and now I know exactly who you are. You don't know how much I prayed for you guys." 
Oh my goodness you guys, we were all in tears then. Here we are in the middle of a bridal show, bawling! She pointed behind me to a little bouquet of tulips and insisted that I take them. She said, "from a friend to a friend." I thanked her profusely and promised I would take them to Lillian. My heart was (and still is) so full of joy.

New year, new life...

I insist on having a wonderful year.  I want to scratch out 2012 and never go back.  I'm so happy to be able to start fresh with this year and I feel like there are many things in store for our family.  Most people are busy making resolutions about being healthy, saving money, and being better altogether.  All I can think of that I want to accomplish in 2013 is to be a mommy to a healthy and happy baby. Brian and I are so ready for a fresh start.  I believe whole-heartedly that we will have no complications with the rest of our pregnancies but the waiting is the worst!  I try not to think about it because we're still sticking with having short-term goals.  That's how you have to get through a crisis.  Well, that's how we get through a crisis anyways.  If I were to look further than a week into the future, I would either have a meltdown or panic attack, or a combination of the two.  So, we are still trekking along in life.  Happier as the days go on, but always missing our daughter.  I can say that the peace in my heart that I had for Christmas has carried through the new year.  I haven't felt the sadness and emptiness that accompanies the loss of your only child.  I feel her with me.  I know God is carrying us.  We're making it, slowly but surely.

I do, however, still have some struggles that I think I will always carry.  One of them being unappreciative parents.  I know that it probably wouldn't bother me as much had I not experienced what we have.  Sometimes I just want to go up to people and just scream at them.  So what if you're child is throwing a fit.  So what if you're tired after a sleepless night.  So what if they are being whiny.  They are here!! Do you know how lucky you are??  Ugh, I know I will have those days in the future where I'm tired, and stressed, but right now it's just salt in the wound...

Another thing that Brian and I have discussed is the pain when we hear someone else has gone through what we have.  You want to believe that after this, it's all downhill.  We just had to get through this one bad thing in life and then we will be okay.  But the truth is, this doesn't guarantee anything.  Sometimes people are dealt  bad hands their whole lives.  We both dread the day that we show up to the cemetery and there is another marker in Babyland.  Never, ever, ever would I wish this on my worst enemy.  I pray that Lillian is the last baby that is laid to rest there.  It's hard to see that others feel this same pain that you've had to endure.
God didn't make guarantees that life will be easy.  Just because you have devoted your life to him and the fact that He is a merciful God, it doesn't mean everything will be perfect.  We will continue to live our life in this sin-filled world.  Bad things continue to happen.  The one thing He has promised us is that we will not endure this alone.  He is with us.  We pray every day that He will protect us from the evil of this world and hold us close when we don't have the strength to stand.  This is why I know we will be okay.  No matter what happens, He is able.

I guess all this rambling is a few posts compiled into one.
1.  We're doing good so far in 2013.
2.  We're looking forward to our future.
3.  I know kids aren't perfect, but they ARE blessings.  I know they can be handfuls and tiring but I'm not at a place right now that I want to hear about it.
4.  We hate the fact that this happens to other people.  It's so unnatural and heartbreaking to have to bury your child.
5.  God is with us, through it all.

God bless YOU my friends.  Thank you for sticking with us through good times and in bad.  We appreciate continued prayers as we are 9 months out from the worst time in our lives.  We are looking forward to having a good, make that WONDERFUL, year <3