New year, new life...

I insist on having a wonderful year.  I want to scratch out 2012 and never go back.  I'm so happy to be able to start fresh with this year and I feel like there are many things in store for our family.  Most people are busy making resolutions about being healthy, saving money, and being better altogether.  All I can think of that I want to accomplish in 2013 is to be a mommy to a healthy and happy baby. Brian and I are so ready for a fresh start.  I believe whole-heartedly that we will have no complications with the rest of our pregnancies but the waiting is the worst!  I try not to think about it because we're still sticking with having short-term goals.  That's how you have to get through a crisis.  Well, that's how we get through a crisis anyways.  If I were to look further than a week into the future, I would either have a meltdown or panic attack, or a combination of the two.  So, we are still trekking along in life.  Happier as the days go on, but always missing our daughter.  I can say that the peace in my heart that I had for Christmas has carried through the new year.  I haven't felt the sadness and emptiness that accompanies the loss of your only child.  I feel her with me.  I know God is carrying us.  We're making it, slowly but surely.

I do, however, still have some struggles that I think I will always carry.  One of them being unappreciative parents.  I know that it probably wouldn't bother me as much had I not experienced what we have.  Sometimes I just want to go up to people and just scream at them.  So what if you're child is throwing a fit.  So what if you're tired after a sleepless night.  So what if they are being whiny.  They are here!! Do you know how lucky you are??  Ugh, I know I will have those days in the future where I'm tired, and stressed, but right now it's just salt in the wound...

Another thing that Brian and I have discussed is the pain when we hear someone else has gone through what we have.  You want to believe that after this, it's all downhill.  We just had to get through this one bad thing in life and then we will be okay.  But the truth is, this doesn't guarantee anything.  Sometimes people are dealt  bad hands their whole lives.  We both dread the day that we show up to the cemetery and there is another marker in Babyland.  Never, ever, ever would I wish this on my worst enemy.  I pray that Lillian is the last baby that is laid to rest there.  It's hard to see that others feel this same pain that you've had to endure.
God didn't make guarantees that life will be easy.  Just because you have devoted your life to him and the fact that He is a merciful God, it doesn't mean everything will be perfect.  We will continue to live our life in this sin-filled world.  Bad things continue to happen.  The one thing He has promised us is that we will not endure this alone.  He is with us.  We pray every day that He will protect us from the evil of this world and hold us close when we don't have the strength to stand.  This is why I know we will be okay.  No matter what happens, He is able.

I guess all this rambling is a few posts compiled into one.
1.  We're doing good so far in 2013.
2.  We're looking forward to our future.
3.  I know kids aren't perfect, but they ARE blessings.  I know they can be handfuls and tiring but I'm not at a place right now that I want to hear about it.
4.  We hate the fact that this happens to other people.  It's so unnatural and heartbreaking to have to bury your child.
5.  God is with us, through it all.

God bless YOU my friends.  Thank you for sticking with us through good times and in bad.  We appreciate continued prayers as we are 9 months out from the worst time in our lives.  We are looking forward to having a good, make that WONDERFUL, year <3