I've asked this questions many many times before. You think that you do all the right things and that you're living your life the way that is pleasing to God and fulfilling to you. Then, out of the blue life hits you with a whammy. I've pondered the whole thought of why we have had to go through our pain and grief. The thought has crossed my mind that so many unappreciative and not so deserving people go on to have their fair share of healthy children (and even more). Why then, is it us that have to lose our precious baby? Why can't we have the joy of hearing a baby's giggles or even experience the painstaking nights of a collicky baby? What did we do wrong? Why? Why? WHY??
It is during these times that I stop myself and pray. I don't know the answer to "Why?" and I may not know for a while. But, honestly, it doesn't matter. If I had an answer to why Lillian couldn't be here, it wouldn't really change much. She would still be where she is and we would still be here. All I know is that I need reassurance, love, and grace to get through the days. I get it from my husband, wonderfully supportive family, amazing friends who I adore, and of course through God. We may have done all the "right" things during our pregnancy and preparing for it, but we still didn't have our ideal outcome. We have an empty nursery, a quiet house, and longing hearts. However, I don't associate our outcome with us failing.
I know we can't be "good enough" to ever be held up to perfect standards but luckily in God's eyes, we don't have to be. I know that what happened with Lillian isn't some harsh punishment because we did something wrong. We live in a world with sin, pain, sickness, grief, and sadness. We are allowed the freedom of choice in a world with hurt and that inadvertently ended with our loss. It happens. I don't believe that God really "called her home" or "took her". I think that unfortunate circumstances resulted in her passing away and our loving Father comforted us in our time of sorrow and welcomed our daughter and rejoiced in her arrival. He's making the most of our hard time and suffering and we're clinging to Him for comfort.
All of this being said, I learned yesterday that two very wonderful, very loving parents had lost their babies (twins) that were due in April. It is heart wrenching to hear that you've not only lost one baby, but two. No matter how far along a pregnancy is, you are connected and bonded with your future and what it may look like. My heart aches for them as I look back a few months ago and see how far we've come. I am praying that God surrounds them with the peace He gave us and heals their broken hearts. I'm sure they would appreciate and welcome any prayers during their hard time. Love you guys.
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