Forever in our hearts...

This post has been on my heart for about a month now.  I keep meaning to sit down and tell the story, but it's really hard to get a free moment to sit down and collect my thoughts.  A little update on our life, our rainbow babies are continuing to bring so much joy and peace to our hearts.  There is no love like that of your own child.  I will forever be grateful for the healing these two boys have done in our life.  We are so utterly and completely blessed.

Alright, cut to the story before I don't have a chance to finish it :P

This goes back to last month when we were visiting our wonderful friends in KC (shout out to our counterparts!) and I was spending time with my best friend doing what we do best, bargain shop!  Those of you who don't know the art of garage saling, it is quite an addictive one.  My best friend and I made a day out of it after leaving four little ones in the daddies' care and fueling ourselves up on coffee.  We drove around and visited with each other about little things and life and the big things in life, and everything in between.  We'd get out and pause our conversation long enough to peruse knick-knacks and baby stuff, but then when we got back in the car we would pick right up again where we left off.  One particular garage sale that we stopped at had a bake sale which looked to be a fundraiser of some sort.  I grabbed a couple of books and spoke with the owner of the house and she prompted me to "take them all!"  I couldn't pass up that kind of deal, so I grabbed the stack of books and paid for them and then walked over to the bake sale table.  We visited some more with the owner and learned that the fundraiser was for a children's hospital where her daughter was a patient in years prior.  She then went on to tell us that she had started an organization that offered support for families that were in similar situations to one they had faced.  She also told us that unfortunately her daughter had passed away and showed us her two beautiful rainbow babies toddling around the driveway.  I don't usually tell strangers my story unless I feel God pushing me to do so.  So I mentioned Lillian, and told her that I, too, had an "angel baby".  I commended her for doing something so great out of their terrible situation and helping other people through something so devastating.  I had that feeling in my heart that tells me that God is prompting me.  I felt so fulfilled after talking to her, and handed her a couple dollars donation.  She offered a couple cookies to take with us since we donated and I turned down a bracelet, since I just wanted to give a donation.  My friend and I walked away with full hearts after hearing that uplifting story and started back towards her car.  As I approached the passenger side door, I looked down at the curb and there was one of the fund raising bracelets sitting in the grass.  No one was even close to the car, so I picked it up and looked at it.  It read, "forever in our hearts".  I got in the car and excitedly showed my friend.  "I think it's from Lillian!"  It warmed my heart so much to get such a perfect sign from her.  But of course, that isn't all.  I went through the stack of books that I bought.  My favorite one was titled, "Lily the ladybug"
Perfection.

3 years later...

Yep, you read that right, THREE whole years since our baby girl went to be with Jesus.  In some ways I feel every second that has passed without her, in others I cannot believe it's been that long.  I will say one thing, I would never ever in my wildest dreams would have thought we'd be here three years later with two beautiful boys who make my world turn.  Oh how I wish I could go back to talk to myself three years back and say, "hang in there, you have so much waiting for you."  I know there is a healing process and I definitely needed that time to grieve her, no matter how painful it was, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, debilitating pain.  That is a pretty good summary of how we were doing back then.  We were just barely surviving, doing what we had to do to get through the worst time of our life.  If I had to describe our life now, I'd say we are flourishing, thriving, loving, and best of all living!  We are living our life and enjoying our two beautiful boys.  Brian and I see eye to eye on almost everything, we enjoy each other's company, we have the same belief in parenting, and we are totally in love.  Our life isn't perfect, but we make it work.  No matter what struggles that come up or how many blessings we receive in the future, we cannot change what happened in the past.  Lillian is a part of our life and always will be.  I would do anything in my power to get her back, but unfortunately that's not how life works.  Since I have no power of her leaving us, I do everything in my power to keep her memory and spirit alive.  I am the best mom to her that I know how, and that's all I can do.  I mother my boys by taking care of them, showing affection, and providing for every need they have.  For Lillian, I still mother her, but in a different way.  We visit the cemetery every week to tell her that no matter what, she's still in our family and she is part of our lives.  We make sure to decorate her marker to include her with our holidays and milestones.  And lastly, we celebrate her birth.  She was here, she made an impact on us, and she is very much part of our family.  It's a very limited way of expressing our love, but it's what we have.  We celebrate the time we had with her and the fact that she's still with us in spirit, and one day we will be reunited.
We celebrated her 3rd birthday this year by having our closest family over for dinner and cake, and we ordered flowers from the same woman who arranged her funeral flowers.  It was a sweet day and I'm so thankful to be able to share her with those close to us.  Later, Brian, the boys and I went to the cemetery and put up some decorations for her.  It was a wonderfully beautiful day for our special little girl.  Happy third birthday, Lillian.  We love you!

Allan's birthday part 2

I last left off with our birth story with the return of my all time favorite nurse!  What a huge blessing for God to place her in our life when it mattered the most.  We needed a sweet, caring, and understanding woman to walk us through each experience and she did just that.  I cannot speak enough wonderful things about her!  I pray that if there is ever a baby number 4, (waaay down the road!) that she will be there again.
Back to the fun part... Labor!  I was so proud to be progressing in labor all on my own with no pitocin needed for this labor.  My body was doing all the right things and so far, my birth plan was going perfectly!  We came to a point where my dr and resident decided to break my water so labor would continue to progress.  My nurse asked if I wanted an epidural and said that now would be a good time to get it.  She warned that if I had planned to get one, it would be easier to sit through now as opposed to after my water was broken.  Most likely my contractions would intensify and become even more frequent.  I didn't think I really needed an epidural at the time but figured I'd really be feeling the contractions soon so I made the decision to get my epidural.  I'm SO thankful that I decided to do so!  About 2 hours later, it was baby time!  After laboring all night the previous night, it only took about 2 hours after my water broke before it was go time.  I did a couple practice pushes with the resident and she decided that it was time to call my dr.  I could have had him right then and there if I wanted but instead we waited about half an hour for my dr to show up.  That is another reason I'm thankful for my epidural!  Otherwise I would have had to wait for my dr while writhing in pain, or had baby before my dr arrived.  Neither of those sound appealing to me.  When my dr arrived, she told me I couldn't have planned this any better!  She had just finished at the clinic and came to the hospital and later had a surgery scheduled for around 2.  I fit right into her schedule!  That's just what I had prayed for!  I really didn't want to pull her away from her family (even though she reassured me not to worry about that!) After everyone and their friend showed up for "the big show" it was time to push!  Poor Brian was parked in a corner but I think he was perfectly okay with this.  I'll spare the lovely details, but 4 contractions worth of pushing and out popped our HUGE butterball turkey!  Allan was 10 pounds 10 ounces, 21 inches long.  I fell in love with him immediately and didn't want to let go of him.  He cried a couple minutes but calmed right down when he realized he was on my chest.  Nurses offered the scissors to Brian to cut the cord, which he politely declined and directed them towards me.  I cut Evan's cord also, so why not continue the tradition?  I clipped his cord and continued to snuggle my chunky monkey while Brian snapped pics of it all.  I was on cloud 9.  This was the first delivery that went exactly as planned and had no major setbacks.  Last time, Evan was whisked away to his own room and I was left disappointed and alone, not to mention upset that my baby wasn't completely healthy.  This time was totally different.  Brian and I couldn't stop smiling and cooing over this sweet little guy.
The rest of the hospital stay was a whirlwind of people in and out of the room, making sure we were healthy and still doing great.  Day one was labor and delivery, day two consisted of lots of nurse visits, pediatrician visit, my dr visit, pictures, lactation consultant, billing, pharmacy, newborn pictures, birth certificate info, hearing specialists, and discharge procedures.  His second day of life was busy!  Luckily, we got everything done and were out of there just in time for dinner.  I was so ready to go home and see my other baby.  I had never been away from Evan so long and I was so missing him.  We arrived home to a clean house, hot meal, decorations, and a happy baby.  This was all thanks to our wonderful mothers.  Thank God for grandmas!  We were able to have an easy transition with our new addition because they took care of our other precious boy.  We all had a delicious meal and most importantly just relaxed.

My heart is overflowing with love for both my boys.  Of course my heart always will long for our sweet baby girl, but yet again God has helped heal my heart just a little more.  When I catch a glimpse of Allan sleeping, I can see Lillian's face.  He may be 6 pounds more than she was, but he has her lips and chin.  It brought tears to my eyes the first time I noticed it.  Having him in our life has already blessed us immensely.  I cannot wait to watch him grow up and become his own person.  For now, I will snuggle him close and whisper to him how much I love him.  He fits so perfectly into our family of five.

And baby makes 5!

So, as you can guess from the title, our little dragonfly has joined us (finally!) Although there was MUCH less chaos and drama surrounding his appearance, the experience had just as great of impact on our lives as our other two babies.  Our mighty God has used each of our kids to minister to us and others, and Allan is no exception.  I'm so happy to be able to sit here with my hubby and one year old, playing with playdoh and snuggling my 4 day old baby on my chest as I write the story of baby number three's journey to join the world.  I'm so utterly, completely, wholly blessed.

Let's start the story at my due date, Wednesday February 25th.  I was SOO huge and SOO pregnant and by week 40, I literally had given up on him ever coming.  I had stressed for weeks over when he was going to make his appearance.  At around 37 weeks, I thought he was going to be coming any day.  My body felt different, my instincts were kicking in, and all our nesting was done; I was just so ready.  Every day after I was at 37 weeks seemed to crawl by.  I was a ticking time bomb, and it was exhausting to wait.  Each week I would come back to my dr appointment and have some progress but still no guarantees for how soon it would be.  Even though I was getting very impatient, we decided against any medical intervention to deliver him early or before he was ready.  So no amniocentesis, pitocin, or planned cesarean section for us.  Instead, I hobbled around praying that he would come when it was the right time and that my wonderful dr would be able to make it to the delivery.  She is absolutely the most amazing dr I could have ever asked for, and I'm so thankful God placed us in her care when I had Lillian.  To have an incredible caregiver at such a devastating time meant more than she'll ever know.  She made sure to be there for Evan's delivery as well, but it was hard on her schedule, so I was hoping that this time would be easier for her.
I also prayed that I could at least run into our favorite nurse from Lillian's delivery.  She took care of me and walked us through the entire process of our c-section, and she introduced us to our sweet angel baby.  Fast forward to Evan's delivery, we got the call that Evan's ultrasound was abnormal and showing that he had an enlarged umbilical vein.  We all decided that it would be best if Evan was born a few weeks early as opposed to waiting it out.  In order to see if he was healthy enough to come out, I needed to go into the hospital for an amniocentesis.  When my nurse showed up to take me back, of course it ended up being our amazing nurse from last time.  I know God had placed her there to comfort us and let us know that He was with us and ensuring we got the best care.  I go on this random back story to tell you about this incredible experience with baby number 3.  Along with my prayer that Allan was healthy and that there would be zero setbacks, and that the timing would be perfect for my doctor and she would be able to make it, I also prayed that we could at least see our favorite nurse.  I wanted her to know how we still think of her and show her that we have another healthy boy on the way.

Okay, back to being 40 weeks pregnant.  I went in for my dr appt on my due date, and everything looked great and Allan was measuring perfectly.  My dr told me in my appointment that since I was basically dilated enough and was at term, I could go in to the hospital and just have my water broken.  I wouldn't need pitocin (unless labor never started after my water broke).  Brian and I had talked and said that it would be best if we let Allan come on his own, but if labor hadn't started by Monday, we would go in.  After my appointment, I ran to the grocery store to get some last minute stuff so our house would be stocked for my mom and Evan while we were gone.  I wobbled around with a one year old and a big 'ol preggo belly.  The cashier asked me when I was due and I replied, "today".  She was shocked and told me she hoped it doesn't happen in the car!  Lol! I think she thought all the sudden you just go into labor spontaneously and without warning right on your due date.  I finished checking out and packed our groceries up, then grabbed some lunch on the way home.  By the time we got home, Evan had slept most of the morning in the car so I knew naptime was not going to happen at normal time.  We ate our lunch and then my notification went off that our local PAT group was meeting in half an hour.  I decided, what the heck.. let's just go.  We finished eating and then packed back in the car to go to Evan's playgroup.  Had I known that I was going to go into labor that night, I may not have pushed myself so hard that day, but by then, I had given up that Allan was ever coming.  I thought I was just going to be pregnant forever!  Real dramatic, I know, but I was getting so discouraged.  We went to playgroup and read a book, made some crafts, and played with playdoh.  I visited with the ladies and told them I would be back in a couple weeks.  Even if I hadn't gone into labor before the next playgroup, I just couldn't get out anymore.  It was too much work!  We went home and relaxed the rest of the night and waited for Brian to get home.

I started having uncomfortable contractions that evening, and before long they were regular and coming about 4-7 minutes apart.  I messaged my mom to let her know it may be tonight so she could be ready to come over and watch Evan.  I wasn't quite ready to go in since my water hadn't broken, and my contractions weren't consistent for an hour yet. However, we did pray together that we would know when the time was right to go in and that everything would go smoothly once we did.  Not a half hour later, I started bleeding.  I was so scared that something was wrong.  I told Brian what had happened, and he told me that we were going in.  I stood there staring at him and started trembling.  I was so scared that something would come up yet again, and all I could think of was if my baby was safe.  Brian calmly told me everything was fine but that we were going in.  Luckily, I had already told Brian to pack the car up, because I had figured we were going in eventually that night.  We waited for one of our moms to show up and then headed to the hospital to get checked out.

Once we showed up and got checked in, they took us to a triage room so they could monitor baby and contractions and then make sure there weren't any problems.  The resident determined that the bleeding was just from normal labor, and there wasn't a threat to baby.  I was so relieved!  She agreed that it was good that we came in, since bleeding could indicate a problem, and there was no way to know without seeing a dr.  She asked us what we wanted to do, and we agreed that since we were already there, we wanted to have a baby!  I was in early labor, but it didn't seem to be slowing, so they talked to my dr, and I'm sure she was super relieved to hear we were going to stay.  She was just as determined for him to be here as we were.

We got to a labor room around 1:30 am on feb 26th, and Brian started unloading our bags.  I had steady contractions that progressed me along, and I was so glad that I wasn't needing any extra help.  Finally, a labor/delivery that I had expected!  Everything was going as planned.  Morning rolled around, and though I know I rested my eyes some, I never really slept.  My nurse came in around 6:45 am, and Brian had asked her how much longer she'd be there.  She said she was off at 7.  It popped into my mind to ask her about my favorite nurse and if she still worked there.  She replied, "Oh yeah! She is such a sweetie, she still works here.  Actually I think she works today."  She told us that her charge nurse was working on schedules and asked me if I wanted to see if she could schedule her in our room.  I said, "YES!!" I was as excited as I possibly could be while having painful contractions every 5 minutes or so.  Our favorite nurse walked into the room almost with tears in her eyes.  I felt SO relieved that I would be having this baby under the care of such a loving, Godly woman.  She came to give me a hug, and I would have hugged her a little tighter had I not been mid contraction.  I knew then that everything was going to be perfect.  I had my hubby by my side, a perfectly healthy baby on the way, a wonderful nurse who was going to take care of us, and my doctor would join us when it got closer.  God is SO good!

I will finish Allan's birth story with a second post.  This was a lot longer than I had intended.

My favorite Christmas present

So I'm a little delayed on writing this post seeing has how it's been a few weeks since Christmas, but better late than never!  A quick update on our little boys: Evan is growing up so fast! He's a little parrot and wants to do everything we do.  He has such a sweet personality and seems to draw people over to him.  He loves to wave at strangers, which always brings a smile to their face.  His new tricks are dancing, shooting hair ties, building with megablocks, going to sleep in his crib on his own (we are super excited about that one!), being a huge helper, cleaning up his toys with help, and turning on the t.v. and ps3 (not as excited about that, haha).  I am so in love with this little guy, I can't imagine how fulfilling my life will be when our new little guy joins our family.  Speaking of, Allan is doing wonderfully too!  I'm 33 weeks along (already?!) and started doing weekly ultrasounds to make sure he doesn't have any surprises.  So far, so good!  He passed his "test" in about 5 minutes this morning so that makes it a lot easier to feel reassured that he's growing big and strong.  Now praying for a much less dramatic entry than his older brother's.  We have gotten to see Allan in a few ultrasounds and have seen a few glimpses of him and I can already tell he has the same adorable cheeks that his brother has.  I can't wait to see them in person!  We are going to be busy in a few short weeks, but i am so ready!

Now, back to Ms. Lillian... A little back story, I don't get ladybugs like I used to.  I get them occasionally, which makes them so meaningful when they do pop up.  There is no coincidence that now that Evan has joined our family, our ladybugs have dwindled be more intermittent.  I kind of have the feeling that now that we have her brother here, we can be even closer to her.  I know that all her siblings will have glimpses of her and that's the closest thing I could ask for if she isn't here with us.  Luckily, Christmas was a special occasion and I got a wonderful gift from her.  A few days before Christmas, Evan and I walked to the grocery store to get a few things.  I was pushing his stroller through the parking lot and I happened to glance down to see something red on the ground.  I bent down and found this ugly, dirty plastic ladybug that was missing a few legs.  I definitely did not hesitate to pick it up and pocket it!  I didn't mind its decrepit state.  It was a ladybug, from my baby girl!! I was very pleased to have this sign from her after having a conversation with Brian a few days prior that holidays were usually harder than other days.  I was definitely missing her extra, recently. I  continued my shopping trip and when we were on our way to the checkout, I walked passed the floral department.  The second I stepped past, the lady held out a rose and said, "Here, want a flower?"  She had accidentally snapped the stem off too short at the very second I stepped past her.  Impeccable timing, if I do say so myself.  I gladly took my rose and thanked her, then handed it to Evan to hold for me.  Then, I silently thanked Lillian for my flower and the reassurance that no matter where I am, or when it is, she is ALWAYS going to be my daughter and is always with us.  I will hold tight to that until I embrace her one day.

WAAAAY overdue for a post!

So much has happened since I updated last!  We found out a few weeks ago that little dragonfly is another...B-O-Y!!  I had NO inkling of what baby was gonna be and I wouldn't even guess because I insisted to Brian that our little Bumblebee was a girl for half the pregnancy. Big surprise to me, we had a little bumblebee boy.  I learned my lesson and wouldn't dare mutter a guess this time.  Either way, I was ready to find out though!  This pregnancy has gone by so incredibly fast so far.  I've been running around after a toddler most of the time so it's easy to get lost in the weeks.  When it came find to time out the sex of the baby, it seemed surreal that we were already at 20 weeks!  I was thrilled to see little dragonfly was very cooperative and is a handsome little guy.  At the ultrasound, we got to see all his growing little features, which look so different than the first time we saw him.  He got a good report and is growing nice and healthy.  Brian and I also noticed that we can see a difference in his profile, he looks different than Evan already.  I can't wait to see his perfect little face in about 16(ish) weeks!
I'm so incredibly thankful that God chose Allan to join this family.  A lot of times people will answer the seemingly innocent question, "what do you want to have?" They expect to hear either "boy" or "girl" but most people will answer with the safe answer, "a healthy baby!"  I always resort to the latter answer but I truly mean it.  I literally could not care less whether baby was a boy or a girl.  I want them to be a healthy and happy child and one who God has chosen to place in our care.  I was not disappointed that this baby was a little boy, I'm disappointed that my girl is not here.  So, no, we were not "trying" for another girl.  We were wanting another child to join us, no matter what sex he or she be.  We felt God had placed it on our hearts to have another child right away and decided to do so.  I will say, I do think that God has plans for us to have another little girl in the future (eventually).  I just feel it in my heart.  My heart longs for the daughter I lost and I will never ever be able to fill her void, but for whatever reason, God has chosen boys to be in our lives right now and I am happy to be their mommy!
As you may have noticed, we chose the name "Allan" for baby number three.  There were a few reasons why we chose this name and why we thought God had given this name to us.  First of all, the meanings of names are so important to us.  When you speak, there is power in your words.  When we say our children's names, we want there to be meaning behind it, something positive.  Another reason we chose it, is kind of silly.  It's mostly on my account too.  We had the trend of Brian and I (Jordan) having names that end with "n".  After we named Lillian with a name that followed the trend, I had to keep going.  So I insisted that the rest of the children have names that end with "n" and we had to agree on something that had an appropriate meaning to it.  The meanings to their names are:
"Lillian"- Innocence, Purity, Beauty
"Evan"- God is gracious
"Allan"-Harmony, stone, noble, and handsome
I think they all fit them perfectly and I know once we grow to know Allan more, we will see that his personality will grow along with the meaning of his name.  He already brings more harmony to our family with his presence and I know he's already handsome!  Just look at this face!

My ladybug loves her bumblebee and dragonfly

Some time has passed by since I've updated the blog.  Here's a few things that have happened recently.

Evan (bumblebee) is almost a year old!!  I cannot believe how big he is and how much he's growing every day.  I miss that teeny little guy that fit in the crook of my neck.  I'm in awe of his little discoveries everyday and this little man is a momma's boy, it warms my heart.  He's currently crawling everywhere, walking along furniture, saying "mama, dada, more, ball, and bye."  He can wave bye-bye, clap his hands, patty cake, plays peek-a-boo, and high fives.  Sometimes if I'm lucky he'll even give me a kiss.  One of his favorite games is rolling/throwing a ball back and forth, he's pretty coordinated for an 11 month old!  The last few days, he's even taking a few steps!  He's fearless!  We may have a toddler on our hands pretty soon.

Little dragonfly is now 15 weeks along!  I'm in the second trimester and feeling great.  I have a fetal doppler that I can use to hear baby's heartbeat and it is soooo reassuring, especially since I have very little pregnancy symptoms.  We got to see dragonfly at my first appointment and everything looks perfect!  He/she was wiggling around and it was just the cutest thing.  I'm so in love with this little one already!

Dragonfly-11 weeks

Our little Ladybug has been busy too.  Not long ago, I had a conversation with my hubby talking about how Lillian seemed so much closer to us with Evan's pregnancy.  I know I needed her desperately to get me through his pregnancy.  This time around, we have Evan as a distraction and it helps the pregnancy go by quicker.  But, as I was telling Brian, it still doesn't replace our firstborn, I still need her close to me.  With Evan, I had ladybugs everywhere, all the time.  It was even in the news how there were record amounts of ladybugs that spring.  With this baby, I've maybe had a few here and there but they were very sparse.  After that brief chat, I prayed that God would show me that Lillian knows this baby too, and that she knows that she's still such a huge part of our family.  Low and behold, the next day I got 3!  Randomly throughout the day, they popped up.  My little girl is still right here keeping close to momma.  It felt so good to see some ladybugs after not seeing any for so long.  She always has a way to warm her mommy's heart.

I have another ladybug story from last night that made my jaw drop... I gave Evan a bath after dinner and used my apron-towel (I told you about winning this towel in THIS blog) to wrap him up and I came into the living room to snuggle with him on the couch.  All the sudden he sits straight up and points to something on
the towel.  I look down and whatdoyaknow? He's pointing right at the ladybug!! I am NOT even exaggerating, literally he was taking one finger and pointing directly at the ladybug on his towel.  He started jabbering in his baby-nese about something but still, pointed only at the ladybug.  I told Brian, "Look!  He's pointing at the ladybug!"  and told Evan, "Yes baby, that's for sissy.  Ladybug"  He kept pointing so I told Brian to grab his phone and take a pic.  It was so sweet.  This was the first time that Evan had ever made a gesture to acknowledge his sissy.  I wonder if she sends him ladybugs in his dreams or something... For one reason or another, he was drawn to that ladybug and my heart was so full in that moment.

Precious!